Healing of a Phoenix

I think I need to visit Dumbledore's office. Yes on Harry Potter. I need to see Fawkes the Phoenix. He has Magical powers. His tears have healing powers and can carry heavy loads. When he dies he burns to ash and starts growing all over again. I need the powers of healing. It makes for a really rough day when sleep just is really nonexistent. I had the craziest dreams last night in the bits of sleep I got The only one I remember is flying Hannah and Holly in a small plane. There was also something about the Space Shuttle.

I would love for Scott to be a Phoenix but right now I feel like I am the Magical bird. I lost my life over those days ELEVEN months ago. Now I am rising from the ashes as a new person. I don't know who I am or what I want to be but somehow I'm beginning a new life. I can't say this enough! I will never just get over Scott. He is a part of my life forever. I am learning to live forward into this reincarnation of myself.

What am I and what do I want? I'm learning more everyday about this question. I have found so many answers but somehow that just always leads to more questions. There are things I know I am ready to attempt but I know how scared I am of trying things I never thought I would have to do again. I need the Phoenix to carry my heavy load. I wish this journey was as easy as delegating tasks at work. It isn't though I have to bear the burden of my own life. I do know that I have friends supporting me, holding me up and guiding me along the way.

I keep saying I don't understand God's plan for me. Yet among all of this, in the blink of an eye, I heard a descriptive word of me - Healer. The one word was very powerful. I guess that does make me a Phoenix in a way. Maybe my tears can heal another. I think I will continue to ponder the description and the power that holds. I spend so much time in my own head. My counselor always tells me I get it all worked out, then tell her and I always have the right answer. I know the right answer to several things I didn't have two weeks ago. I will continue to rise from this loss of life, praying and hoping along the way I will make a difference in another's life.

Open Arms, Baby!

What isn't there to love about DVR. I'm not sure why I ever waited for so long except I'm a cheapskate. Today is a dreary, windy, looks like rain kind of day. Hannah and I have snuggled up on each of our couches and we are catching up on the DVR. We both have this thing about letting too many programs build up and if I'm not careful she gets delete happy before I get to watch them.

Grey's Anatomy is one of our favorites. I watched it the other day but saved it so she could catch up on it. There are several quotes in Thursday show that really hit home once again for me. That seems to be almost always the case in my life. If you pay attention to life around you meanings happen to make you stop and go Hmmmm!

As it is for all dramas that involve relationships, oh wait that is really life, one of the MD's said to the other "if there is really only one soul mate for each of us in life then the systems is really messed up!" I have to agree. The end of the show ended with the Chief MD asking McDreamy to look at his wife because she may have Alzheimer's. The voice over of Grey comes on with "in life you take your vitamins, you try to stay healthy, you have love but when you get older and your love dies you only have vitamins left." Actually I'm paraphrasing but that is close. Yes I feel like all I have right now is vitamins. Yes so you see I talk to the TV. Hannah just looks at me strange!

Maybe I should get off the couch today and do the chores around the house. It's really a good thing the laundry can be done and I can catch up on my reading or wait I think I may get back to the DVR and then I have my Netflix movies! I have such a full vital life. You all know it's not true that I really don't just sit around doing nothing. Next weekend is a WICKED springbreak weekend! Those second row seats are burning a hole in my pocket. Hannah and Holly are ready to go. I had to have something to get through the week because it is a week that will be tough. I'm trying to be prepared! Maybe I'll need cookies again since Disney World won't be an option this year.

It really is amazing how the human brain works and the words or events that trigger memories, thoughts and behaviors. I have worked through this in so many different ways over the last year. I will keep living forward and as my friend Lynne says to me, "With your arms thrown wide open Baby!" I guess I'm supposed to capture more life!

Ordinary Life

"Every once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives you a fairytale."

I bought this wall art today while out spending a girls day with my friend Lisa and Hannah. I stood there and started crying. I looked at Lisa and said, "does this mean I got my fairytale?" Lisa said, "Who knows that could have just been a warm up." I want to believe that but I'm also okay if that was my fairytale because the love is more then some people ever find in a lifetime!

I also realized today that I'm not a bling kind of girl. Lisa and Hannah were trying on different very bold pieces of jewelry. It all looked so cute on them but it was funny because it made me feel outside my comfort zone. Why do I have such a hard time leaving that bubble. When you are in a couple there is always one of the two who will lead. Scott and I took turns being in the lead. I think so often now it is just so much easier to hide at home. I'm glad today we spent time doing and being part of a life outside of my little comfort zone.

It was time for toes again. I love that Lisa and I have started this tradition of pedis. I can't think of a better way to start of sandal season then always my bright red toes. They match my inner wild child and well just a little tribute to Scott. I think someday he'd be good knowing that another man in my life may enjoy that sassy side of me. It's crazy that I won't wear big bling but bright red toes are all good! I really am my own creation. Yes I hope that I'm the only mold of me too! It is so much fun to learn what makes each of us different and yet the same.

So here I go taking steps forward again. I will stretch my comfort zone and keep exploring life. I don't want to grow bored and tired. I still have much to give to so many others in my life and maybe I can add a touch of bling to my life and push a bit more to joy. I hope others continue to pray for me just as I pray for myself. Hugs, hearts, open arms with a bunch of love thrown in make my life all that more worth living forward.

Purple Laughing

"Oh I'm newly calibrated All shiny and clean I'm your recent adaptation Time to redefine me Let the word out I've got to get out Oh I'm feeling better now Break the news out I've got to get out Oh I'm feeling better now Oh I'm happy as Christmas
All wrapped to be seen I'm your recent acquisition Time to celebrate me" Collective Soul (Better Now)

These are the lyrics to one of my favorite songs by Collective Soul. I don't always feel better now but today I felt alive and ME! I have these two new friends in my life that are here for reason's I don't understand but I'm so very thankful for them. Neither one of them knew Scott but they know me! They have watched me live forward from the worst moment in my life. They have both allowed me to cry all over them and hold me up without a need for anything from me! I have so many friends like that but to know that I'm capable of living forward into new relationships is very powerful for me.

Yesterday Rhonda held me up without even knowing it. Today we started the day in a mood that only can be described as "whatever!" I sent an email to my other friend giving him crap about a commercial on TV that I now have memorized because of the woman across the hall plays her TV at top volume. The three of us have this inside joke that started the other day. Well needless to say I ended up laughing harder then I've laughed in ten months. I felt so alive and free. Free of all the stress of grief! Free to know that I am capable of living forward. That all my friends are in my life for a reason! And today most of the day my two new friends got to see a bit of my inner wild child. My mind does work in mysterious ways and I know these two people have joined my very special circle of friends.

I still have the power to love and be loved! I hope these two people understand what laughing until I turned purple means to me. I don't have enough words to express what this laughter gave to me today. I want to have more of those moments. I want to really be "feeling better now" all the time. I can't push myself too hard though because I don't need setbacks. I am living forward into this redefinition of me and well "It's okay! I love you!" is how I am beginning to feel about myself too! Now if I could really just get all the rest of the innuendos out of my head they would truly know I may look all sweet and innocent but well outside appearances can be deceiving sometimes. Read that book! It may just be a best seller!

Don't try this at home.

The cookie pick up was great! I was a bit overwhelmed just because I had to make the choice of what cookies to pick. I make decisions on a dime, know they are correct and move on to the next project in a second. I know I'm good at what I do but really picking out cookies made me just a bit flustered. Although, I was more focused on the fact I went in to that bright airy beautiful space and smiled looking at the chocolate pecan pies and Scott's favorite cookies. Maybe the next time I can buy his favorite cookies!

I was doing great. The day was beautiful and wow, my hair didn't get bigger today. My hair is my barometer of stress. I may be calm and cool on the outside but if I've had a crazy day I run my fingers through my hair and it just get larger, fluffier and/or frizzier by the end of the day. Not today! I still had cute hair day, curls but still cute. I am my worst critic when it comes to my appearance. It's funny because Hannah and I were playing with my hair the other night and she straightened it for me. She does a much better job then I do. After she was finished I asked if I was cute and a hot momma. She laughed and told me "Yuck! I'm not thinking of you like that!" Where's a flirty guy in my life when you need one!

This afternoon I was so proud of myself for making it and having the courage to achieve another step forward. I decided maybe I could conquer our grocery store. I needed gas and we were out of a few things, milk, bread, bottled water, food! It is Hannah's night with Mike so I pulled into the parking lot. My heart started racing when I found an immediate spot close to the door. I sat there trying to breathe. I made myself get out of the car and walk in! I was trying to stay focused on getting in and getting out. They had rearranged some of the produce section so that just threw me out of whack! I stood in front of the strawberries just staring. What was I doing? My mental list was gone out of my head and I was done! I walked around the store, put some things in my cart and made it out of the store before a full fledged panic attack hit!

It wasn't a complete negative! I did it on my own. Granted I don't know what I bought but I did put things in the freezer. I didn't buy what I needed. No water or milk! Hannah unloaded the groceries when I got home and I must have had a wild eyed look. The panic was just going crazy. I finally took matters in my own hands and reached for the Xanax. I've been so good at controlling me and achieving on my own timelines that I haven't need to medicate myself. I was out in sleep land almost right away. I didn't hear Hannah go with Mike and they were gone for a bit! I didn't hear her come home. I must have needed to block out that trip to the store.

Today was overall a success. I know I won't be repeating the trip to OUR grocery store anytime soon. I have to look for the positive notes! I bought cookies! I made it through the day and I made the panic attack go away. I'm calm and ready to tackle myself again. My thought though is like the programs on tv that say "Don't try this at home!" I'm an expert at this and I don't recommend making too many difficult steps forward in one day. It's a good thing I was able to pick up Simba's ashes yesterday! Breathe in! Breathe out! Take the moments of joy and surprise today and make those my first thoughts, not the bad times. Take the moments that gave me a smile. I managed to feed myself dinner tonight! I came home with Sushi. That WASN'T on any list I had!!!

Magical Cookie

I miss the days when all the world's problems could be solved with a cookie. It does, however, take the edge off and make the day a bit brighter. Especially when you get to be the first to pick the choice cookie! Apparently I can be bought with sugar sometimes. Do you realize how much emotion can be in a cookie! Today, I conquered a moment and the person who brought the cookies doesn't even know the power of those cookies.

The bakery recently located a branch here. Scott watched with anxious joy and would purposefully go out of his way to see if it was open yet. He made me go so often after it opened that I finally said "how much more weight would you like me to gain?" He then went on his own, would bring the cookies home and then NOT eat them!!! Our very first Valentine's together we went on a road trip to Louisiana. It led us on a purposeful stop for these special, Collins Street Bakery Cookies. He was one track mind when it came to this stop and a certain kind of cookie. Yes I was impressed he bribed me with a cookie or maybe two dozen! Who knew cookies could also be a romantic gesture. I'm glad Scott did.

This bakery has been a place I have avoided for the last year. I can't drive by it without crying. I look the other way and pretend like it doesn't exist! Today I did it! I said yes to the cookie offered to me! I hope you all understand the magic and joy that one cookie brought to me! I conquered once again. I know Scott has continued to give me gifts, guides me and protects me. This universe works in so many ways. The people who we have in our lives are here for reasons we don't understand. Things happen that we don't understand. An innocent gift of a cookie for an inservice that didn't happen, was for a reason.

That was the best cookie I've had in a year! Tomorrow I have to choose to go to the bakery on my own because some of my staff were jilted out of a cookie when our crazy, traveling therapist decided to touch them all! So you see I am living proof that messages happen and I am being pushed to live forward. Thank you for that cookie. Once again God listens to my prayers to be surrounded by his light and love, guided and protected and shows me the way! One more step forward and maybe one day I can have a tear free day. Not today but someday.

Inner Wild Child

My bad girl side is itching to get out. It's funny because so many people just assume I'm always sweet. I have my moments but generally I am a nice person. I just happen to have a side that not many people get to see. Scott was one of those people and it's a good thing too. I miss being able to share that side with someone who loves me and takes care of me. Who can have a bad girl side though when responsibility catches up to you everyday! I guess I'll just have to settle for destroying my eardrums and my spot on the couch all the time.

I have so much in my life but it is just funny the little pieces I miss. The things I keep looking for around the house. I want to hear the bathtub running in the middle of the night or waking up being smothered in a hug. So many personal things, shared secrets that are forever ours. I wish I had that person in my life who understood me that well. There were so many times we could be across a room and just be together. Gotta love those moments of the world disappearing around you.

These are moments in life that make your heart full of joy and celebration. Tickling toes, pillow fights, midnight Yahtzee games and well all that stuff that goes along with it. It keeps my heart going. I see so many happy couples. You would think it would be painful and make my heart turn. It is, in fact, the opposite. Seeing that kind of love does make me miss my love but I feel joy for them. I want to know that the world continues to exist because of the power of love. I still have all this love to share. So I find new ways to express it, a smile, a wink, a laugh, a big hug, or holding a hand in time of need.

That love in my heart doesn't stop even when I have moments that my inner wild child needs to be released. I will cope and make the most of all of the emotions I feel in a day. I will make the restless energy useful! I get so much more done but it can be exhausting. I just need to know how to make real sleep happen! Maybe someday but not today. I will find my answers. My gift of knowledge makes it possible to accept each step of living forward and not make myself a stick in the mud sad sack. I have a life to live and maybe soon I can be a bit bad again! Sweet works most of the time but I'm so sick of the description.

Bunco Googlies

Just when you think life is full of downright despair along comes BUNCO! I just want to say thank you for these ladies for making me laugh and watch the Bachelor! I still say she wants to embalm him! I know there will be more of these moments in life and I am so very blessed. Pizza, chocolate, dice and googlies! We all ROCK!

Bunco tonight was across the street from one of my bestest friends. You know you are true friends when you can stop by at 9pm and talk for two hours. You are my friend and I don't care if your bathroom is dirty or if your Christmas decorations are still scattered around the house. Thank you for making me feel wonderful! Where else can I decipher the fact I'm not ready for a real relationship, flirty is good but someday I will know what time is right for more.

I'm still fighting all of the crazy emotions and in one day I have gone from just breathing because I must to laughing and joking. My heart still hurts but I am living forward. I got in the car to drive home - shhh don't tell but I like to drive fast and hard with the music blaring. I love Rascal Flatts and there was Scott in a new song, "I Won't Let Go!" Scott you are "Unstoppable" and where ever or whomever I live forward to will be with your strength and guidance.

Happiness will be in store for me and I have no doubts about that. Baby steps and well maybe the Googlies can help too! My life matters to someone else - not just Hannah but so many others who love me for being me. I am more then what you see but when you get me - you get all of me! What's the point of pretending to be something I'm not! It is amazing what life and love mean with laughter added into the mix!

Trust and Truth

"Trust and the truth will show itself."

I watched a movie on the Hallmark channel this afternoon where this was said. I trust in so many things and so many people but most of all I trust in God to guide me, protect me and show me the way! Life has sent me on a crazy convoluted path but I trust in myself most of all to find the way for me. There are times in our life when we fight what we know is true even if it hurts because we don't trust the real path. Sometimes it is easier to wave the white flag but at other times you must fight with all your heart to do what you know is right for you.

I know the path I have traveled is not easy but it has made me who I am. I could easily give up at so many points or have chosen a path that was uncomfortable and been someone else. Scott loves me and we were supposed to be together. We were in our lives for a reason. We crammed so many things into that time and it was for great things. I have so many new friends in my life who are here for a reasons that I don't know yet. I will wait patiently to understand the reasons and trust in my heart to know I continue on the right path in my life.

I am where I am supposed to be at this moment in time and there is nothing I can do to make it go faster or change quickly. I trust my heart to listen to my messages from God and Scott to continue my travels. I just have to trust that patience is valuable even when I have the solution and just want to be done with the problem. How many times have you heard "Rome wasn't built in a day!" ? My life may not be an empire but the love in my heart is a gift to share while I learn to live forward.

Trust yourself, take time to breathe and enjoy what you already have. You may just missing that special person or moment that gives you a life changing moment. Don't set limits be open to all possibilities. Be ready to embrace something or someone new in your heart and life.

For everything there is a season

"For everything there is a season...a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance..." -Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

How fitting that in my daily grief book for Feburary 14 was a passage from the Bible that was in one of Scott's favorite movies. My life has been shattered by loss and I have been taking each moment as they arrive and coping. We have all at one point dropped a prized possession on the floor and it shatters into a million pieces. How often to we despair and try to piece it all back together but to no avail. There is nothing that can be done. That treasure is gone but the memory it gave rememberance too is in my heart.

Today I feel right back where I was all those months ago - numb. The things that happen that send you spiralling can be predicted but most often not. I have only made it once again today by the love of my friends.

"Grief dares us to love once more." - Terry Tempest Williams

I will make this hurdle because of the people in my life who love me for me! That love has been able to help me find the love in my heart to continue on my journey. I will be healed by the power of love. There are so many who are holding me close and will help me find my smile once again. There will be a laugh, a hug, a joke, a gentle touch that will pull me out of this numbness. Last night we placed Simba in her kitty carrier, gently wrapped in towels. She looked so at peace. She was there in my living room all night and it was the place for her to be.

This morning Rhonda came and took Hannah, Simba and I to the vet where I arranged for her to be cremated. I wouldn't have been able to make that trip without Rhonda and Hannah's love. I told her I was perfectly content leaving her where she was. We then laughed because she said "I couldn't let you do that because at some point she would start smelling!" We stood in the vet's office, told her goodbye and cried. We all hugged and I know the love was there. Just as all of you continue to support me and love me forward in my life. So I know that at some point in my life more love will continue to find me. I will know when I am ready! I will listen with my heart and trust myself. I will settle for nothing less.

Kitty Heaven

Tonight Hannah, Mike and I lost the fourth member of our little family. You see even though life has changed and lived forward Mike, Hannah, Simba and I are still family. Simba was our very first Christmas present after we got married. She was our first child and Hannah always said we loved Simba more when she was mad at us. When Hannah was born I made up a song that I would rock her to sleep singing to her. The last verse was for Simba. I am Simba, pes kiki(pesky kitty), I am happy leave me be.

This afternoon, I picked Simba up from the vet. She was more alert and talking to us. Yes she is a Siamese so she has quite a vocabulary and well leave it to a speech therapist to understand the cat. Hannah asked her if she was feeling any better and she flat out said no! We got her home and she wanted to be cuddled. She purred in my arms but then she began to be agitated. I laid her down in her carrier and she slept.

Hannah had a Corrigan event tonight of paint wars in the park down from our house so I ran her over there. When I came back in five minutes her breathing was more labored and she couldn't hold her head up. I gave her the meds and a sip of water but that was a chore so I let her rest. When it was time for the paint covered teens to arrive back at the house she was slowly fading. My funny part of the evening was seeing Hannah and Grayson come home covered in paint! Grayson looked like a smurf. Hannah looked like a rainbow. I needed that smile. I couldn't even pretend to be mad at them with the joy on their faces. Grayson headed off to his house to shower and Hannah came in and scrubbed.

While she was in the shower Simba's breathing slowed and became more labored so I picked her up and cuddled her. Hannah came in and we wrapped her in a towel. I took her into the bathroom and sat on the floor letting the shower run hoping to give her some way to open her airways. While we were sitting there I was singing to her and telling her "It's okay! I love you!" I felt Scott enter the room and then felt her leaving. I told her it's okay to go sit and cuddle with Scott and Grams in Heaven. I called Hannah and told her to come and say goodbye. The three of us sat in the floor of the bathroom. Hannah and I cried as we continued to feel her strong heartbeat. She wasn't giving up but breathing was almost gone. We called Mike and we all said goodbye. She died in my arms with the love of our family surrounding her. Just as she has spent the last 16 years. She was older then that by what we have always guessed to be about a year and a half so she was almost 18 years old.

Mike just said it best "There is a dish of ice water waiting in Heaven for this special cat , Simba wasn't really a cat she was a caretaker she can never be replaced and I will miss her greatly" Thank you Simba for loving us unconditionally for driving us crazy sometimes but never giving in when you knew we needed to be loved. I will miss my good morning and my thank you's. I know you will visit and sit on the arm of the couch with your head in my arm giving me comfort.

So now I sit here with her in the kitty carrier. My friend Angela came straight over after she reached out to ask if I needed her here. I didn't hesitate and she comforted me through this new wave of grief. I hope there will be a point that I don't have these ongoing time bombs in my life. I need peace. I don't want to be the expert on grief but why do I have a feeling that God has a plan for me that I need to embrace instead of avoiding it! Simba wasn't just a pet she is a family member but really she has just put a kink in my plans to be a crazy cat lady!!! And Hannah's kitty well she just has her own agenda so we can't count on her. Tomorrow I will take her to the vet and have her cremated. It only seems fair that Mike and I will share her and never have to fight over the cat again. I love you my beautiful baby.

More Loss

I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face trying to figure out how to make it through another loss. Simba disappeared the weekend before Scott died and he searched and searched for her. He held me in his arms as I cried in despair and grief. She reappeared two days later and we never knew where she was. The next week Scott disappeared and I was there when we found him. He knew I needed to be there when we found him. Over the last almost 11 months Simba has been right here with me. When I cry she sits on me and purrs. She gives me unconditional love. She has struggled to stay here for me.

Simba has been the Christmas gift that has kept on giving. She has been here through so many things. The night I went into labor with Hannah she followed me around the house making sure I was okay. When my mother in law lived with us she conned her way into fresh cold water from the fridge and gave her company and love in return. When Hannah was little she calmly let herself be dressed in all the bear clothes. There are so many stories of her in our life. We have so many pictures of her in the baby car seat, sleeping in the bathtub, napping in the sun that she has her very own scrapbook.

Mike and I sat on the couch tonight remembering all the fun stories and even the sad ones. We have taken turns holding her and crying. She is a huge part of our family. When we divorced she was the only part that we argued over. Who got custody of the cat! Really that is how it has always been. Mike comes to visit and she jumps right on him and they have a conversation. He always asks her if she wants to come live with him.

I don't know how to deal with more loss other then face it. I have become an expert in a life of grief. I just want to be in life that has some calm and not full of loss. I hate being sad and now I can't even end up the crazy old cat lady because my cat is going to hang out with Scott and Grams in Heaven. I am cycling through all of the emotions just sitting here. Yes there could be hope but she can't walk, she's not eating or drinking and she can't see anymore. There is only one right thing to do for her because we know we can't make her suffer. Except I really want someone to do that for me right now too. I have been doing so much better. Learning to laugh and love life again. I want to be so selfish but I can't do that either for some reason my true self is loving, kind and caring.

So please bear with me as I continue through this journey with an unplanned setback. You'd think I could write a book but all I can do is share my heart with my words and hope I make a difference in somebody's life now and for years to come. I'd better get back to giving her all my love for now. She needs it to share and pass on. I know with all my heart that our pets go with those who have gone before them. They are the most loving and giving unconditionally. They don't have expectations of us and give so much in return. I will miss that love just as I miss loving Scott everyday.

Twizzlers

I give up! Yup that's what I felt like today. I feel like Eeyore. One of my friends said, "some days are just not worth chewing through the restraints." Yup why do people put conditions on relationships in their lives? It drives me nuts when someone says one thing and does something else. Ahh, breathe in, breathe out. Where's that darn yoga tape. I just wish people would match their actions and words but well I just give up hoping that maybe someday that might happen. I don't have to live with someone else's restraints. My life is mine. If I have learned anything in my journey is how powerful the love in my heart is and loving myself matters! I am trying not to let others drive me crazy and just live in the moments of each day.

I don't want my future all planned out. I know what I would like to have but right now one step at a time. This marathon of life just doesn't happen in 26.2 miles because if it did I think I'd be with Scott. I think I've lived a daily emotional race and crossed the finish line so many times that Goofy medal should be mine just for courage. I can make it I really don't give up! I just have to make adjustments and focus on myself and what I need in my life. I want to smile, laugh and love.

I will make someone else feel important. I will make a difference in a life today. I will smile and reach out to someone in need. Today I made a difference and I recognize that my professional life is about that but it doesn't define who I am. There is so much more that I want in my life beyond my job. I know it is possible to have it all and feel important because your life matters to someone else too. So just get off the fence in your life and be there for someone! A smile and hug can make someone's day go beyond whatever is troubling to them! If you are reading this you matter to me and I want to make a difference in your life. You matter to me and the restraints you try to make are just made of twizzlers.

GROCERY STORE!!!!

I did it! I did it! All on my own! I went to the Grocery Store. Not just the little junky one down the street but I went to the HEB! Granted it wasn't the one that was where we spent our final date night but I went to the big store and didn't have a panic attack. I hope you all know what a huge step this was for me tonight. I'm jumping up and down for joy mentally. I still have things to address for my personal goals but I think this has been the biggest hurdle I have yet to cross.

I want to survive. I want to feel alive. I want to live forward - most days! Today I actually did more then just survive. Yesterday was a horrible rough road and today I made a step. I will make it forward. I just got off the phone with my wonderful, dear, darling, friend Lisa. Our lives are crazy and we don't always connect but we have the most amazing friendship. We can talk for hours in circles, understand entire threads of multiple conversations and end the conversation right back where we began hours before. I just got done explaining to her that I love Hannah, I love all my girlfriends but I miss guy conversations. Conversations are different levels among all of those but all very important. I miss spending hours talking about sports, movies and other things. I can't believe I miss my off season football lectures or my how to instructions (even though I'm better at fixing things then he was)! Scott taught me how to be okay in my own skin. He was so easy going and comfortable with who he was. He didn't care who you were he'd talk to anyone. It is so funny after all this time to have so many woman whom he would charm tell me what a great man he was.

I know that from the bottom of my heart and he taught me how to put people at ease and live. I miss my flirt. I miss being held in his arms and knowing he was there for me even in an argument. I miss that kind of attention. I try to block it and not think about it but I'm learning it is okay to try to understand those things that are missing. I will never move on. Scott has a part of me with him but I am learning to live forward. I am learning to express joy and laughter from crazy parts of me. I know he is dancing with me in the kitchen to the songs that play on the tv. I know he has to be standing there laughing when I tried to fall in the pool and this morning I felt like he was making sure my car was staying in the garage.

I continue to learn about myself through this journey and today I discovered I can do something that is still hard but on my own terms. I am the guide to my soul. So today I again pray for God and Scott to surround me with their light and love, to guide me, to protect me and show me the way. Things continue to happen for me when the time is right. Scott only wants happiness for me and he won't break that promise. He will find a way for me to be happy again. I have not a single doubt of that in my heart. So if you find me smiling and dancing, please join the party it sure makes the heart soar to new heights!

Dearest Heart

Here I am with a beautiful glass of wine, Pretty Little Liars and my computer. Oh what a beautiful date. On the way home Scott took control of my iPod, it was funny because I kept trying to change it and he'd change it back. Yes go ahead think I'm crazy but until you've experienced it your allowed. Needless to say I had a nice drive home and took the long way again with the sunroof. It is better company then me, myself and I.

Hannah is out to her second night of Corrigan activities with Grayson and the gang. She is a truly amazingly beautiful, smart, funny young lady. I proud to call her mine. I just wish I could have spared her from all of the suffering. I realized today when I got home that I didn't get her a Valentine. I never forget and I was so lost in my own anger and angst today that I just blew it all off. I'm so sorry sweet baby.

I tried to think of it as just another day of work but that didn't work. All of the flowers, balloons, candy and stuffed animals just made it a mean spirited day for me. I finally found humor to move toward the other direction. I tried to OD on peanut butter cups but that just made me full. Then for dinner I made my own romantic meal of mac and cheese paired with a nice Riesling. I needed some mellowing out for today. I did go look at my picture of my roses and tulips from last year. Memories are wonderful! My favorite memory from last year was taking the girls to Austin for bowling and dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. Scott and I had a fight over cheesecake flavors. If you know me, you know don't mess with my food. I would give it all to have those moments again. I would love to fight over cheesecake again.

So now I work on the song that was stuck in my head today, "If you can't have the one you love, love the one your with." I love you Hannah, Simba and Jazzy. You are my Valentine's. You have my heart forever. I found a place to be comfortable in my own skin today. I will find my wings. I have my smile it will make it further each day. I can live forward. I will live forward. Someday a Valentine will arrive just for me again and I won't have to envy all the rest of the world for their days. I know I will have Scott's love to infinity and beyond. He shows me that in so many ways and keeps pushing me to live my life not hide from it. I will make it because it is what he expects from me.

All Gone

I'm not really ready for the future. I got a bit of it today and I don't like it. Alone and sad. Hannah went out on her first date (chaperoned in a group) and I don't like it at all. I don't get a say in this either. She is growing up and I let her have a bit of wings. I just am going to have to learn to not be so sad. It's not hard I want my world back and I don't get that. I am trying but why isn't there an easier way to get through all of this? I like interacting with people but then I like quiet times. I just can't seem to find a point in my life that is a good mix.

Today I am not in a good place. Lots of things run through my mind but I can't do any of them. I can't ever let anyone feel the pain I feel. I will do anything to ever have anyone feel this over me. I'm stuck again and maybe I will climb out but not right now. I'm shedding tears and I can't stop them. It's another day and today and tomorrow should have been fun and romantic. I found under Scott's beside table Valentine's candy from three years ago! He loved candy but for whatever reason put it up and didn't eat it. Then in his stash of gifts is the empty candy box with Buzz Lightyear on the cover and his Valentine Beanie Baby that shared his birthday.

Loneliness is just a pain in my caboose. That is the one feeling I'm not sure how to conquer. Music makes me know once again Scott is here with me. I will make it but tonight I am stuck in the hole and don't really want to climb out. Let me stay there don't make me have to keep surviving. I not in the mood to have courage and survive. There needs to be a song that says here come the tears again because really where do they all come from. I shouldn't have anymore of them available. I'm ready to disappear from the map. I need to avoid the world. I'm really happy for everyone that has someone to love but in the same breath I just want to throw rocks at the tv with all the flowers, hearts and chocolate. I was happy just leave me be that doesn't exist for me anymore not that way! Stop the commercials and find a way to bring me to love!

Love's First Kiss

Music. Music. Music. How does he do it? Why do I always feel like Scott is surrounding me with his love through music. Today I managed to go shopping for myself in the store that was always something for us. He always bought me a gift card for Christmas and then would go with me when I used it. He would insist on helping me and make it fun. I hate shopping and today the girls went with us. You see I know Scott was with me. I can't explain the feeling of just knowing he was with me. Today I bought smaller clothes. Wow! Not a weight loss program I recommend but I know he is proud of me. He always told me "I love who you are not what size you are!"

Later I heard a song that made me wish so many things. I hold in my heart the memory of Love's first kiss. How can a relationship be so powerful and be taken away so quickly? I go about my life now and I feel so empty in a part of me. There are other times I do feel alive and hopeful. Will there be more moments of time to stop for a memory? I think so just not the way we expected.

Tonight Hannah and I made a memory. I will forever remember sitting with my beautiful daughter at dinner when the waiter sat down our food. He was asking who had what. I said I'm soft and she's crispy. He looked at Hannah and said "is that a fact!" He grinned and winked at her. She turned 10 shades of red and we laughed. My baby is growing up. I know there will be memories in the making because they will be about Hannah.

I know I am "Unstoppable." I have the courage to continue making memories and exploring my life. I have the courage to take the memories of five wonderful years and keep living forward. We were together for a reason. Scott taught me true love isn't about just a physical place but emotional planes that transcend all of life's boundaries. There will be many more moments that take my breath away just as that first kiss. I know I can continue to make a life and learn to live a path that wasn't planned. Someday I might even get to have another Love's first kiss. That had better be a moment that Scott doesn't make his presence known because really that would just be comical! Then again I do love laughter. It has been a very powerful healing force in my heart through all of this.

Fast Lane

I have these restless moods and there is nothing I can do to relieve them. Today I have all this excess energy and no place to put it. I cleared what for another would be two weeks worth of work off my desk in eight hours today because of this energy. I drove home the long way with the sunroof open (it was 60 degrees)and rotated through my restless mood music, Collective Soul, CCR, Aerosmith, Gavin DeGraw. I have a playlist just for these times. I drove for an hour. I think I should have gone further but Hannah would have started to worry. She is the only reason I just didn't get on the highway and head toward San Antonio. I always wonder what it would be like to disappear for a bit but I can't give anyone else the feelings I had for those 36 hours looking for Scott.

I had a conversation yesterday with Rhonda and another friend about the things they did as teenagers. I wasn't one of those teens. I don't know how to be anything but myself. Today I wanted to be the wild child but I just don't know how to do that. So here I am stuck with this insane restless feeling. I even went outside and pulled a few weeds. I made a phone call for work and swept the pool at the same time. Needless to say I almost fell into the pool! I'm on multi-tasking overload and I can't stop. I wish I could have gotten into that pool and swam laps until I was exhausted. It's too cold and I'm not willing to have a $700 electric bill.

Another friend sent me a text asking if I was covering for my cheerleaders of if I was really doing so much better. I have to say I'm honestly doing both. I'm trying so hard I'm wearing myself out but then I do have a genuine smile and laughter. I'm my own worst enemy and if I could find a solution to that problem I could sell it a never have to worry about money again. My friend told me she was proud of how well I can explain my emotions and grasp what is happening in my heart and head. She wished she could take that approach to her life.

I need a rollercoaster because that is the only thing that currently is available to fulfill this need for adrenaline. It has been the only place that I truly feel free and alive. The only place where I feel like Scott is taking me to the places only he has ever been able to go with me. So really why does Disney World have to be so far away because I need a RocknRoller coaster, Space Mountain, Expedition Everest triathlon! It's just going to have to be ziplining across a rainforest in Alaska! But I really need to come up with something else before then before I lose my hearing from playing the music so loudly in the car! Football where are you when I need you? I must get out some of this energy soon!

Sandcastles

"In the midst of winter I discovered that there was in me an invincible summer." - Albert Camus


Is it okay to talk of the past. My comparison to the world is what I know. I try not to talk about Scott all the time but sometimes I think of something that hits the conversation. I know but how to I not talk about him. I've decided it's okay. Just as long it's not in every word out of my mouth!

I love the little moments in life that make me know it is fun to keep moving forward. It is fun to smile and laugh! I like feeling like spring. I know that I am moving to a life of sunshine and warm sunny beaches. I miss the thought of building sandcastles and sharing a fruity tropical drink. The only time I've ever been okay with getting all sandy. I know there are more sandcastles waiting for me here on Earth. I loved that birthday. Turning forty should be amazing and special and I'm glad I have it in my heart forever. I know that ultimate sandcastle will be there because it was shown to me by the most amazing man with open arms. It's not my time to be there because I've got more sandcastles to sculpt.

The spring will be here and the end of this year of torture and tragedy of firsts will be over. I know it's not the end of grief. I don't think there is an end just an understanding and coping. I can make it just as I have all of the months before. I remember the times when it was days and then weeks. I remember thinking I will never be to a point that I will be living a life. Now I have been able to count the months. I'm still not past the months. I know every Sunday that hits. I hate Sundays and I know you are thinking that it is silly to hate a day of the week. Most people hate Mondays but well I hate Sundays. They come once a week and I pick myself off the floor and live forward.

I like the reasons I have fun and can smile. Can there be more days like these? I hope so because I feel alive again. I like taking a breath and feeling like I am actually getting air. I like knowing that I can really smile from my heart. Those sandcastles will be built again. How else can it not happen. I want to keep feeling alive. I'm will keep ticking off the Sundays and someday time will have passed and this blog will show me who I was and why I am who I've become.

I am a Survivor

I spent the day home alone listening to the shrill of the wind whip around outside and my thoughts rolling through my head. It wasn't a sad day of contemplation but a day of reflection on the past months. I'm still finding my way in this new image of my life and knowing that I'm not the only person in the world struggling with new challenges or paths to take. Each of us have parts of our lives that we choose to change or have change thrust upon us. It is how we handle those moments that define our souls.

I have a belief in God but I struggle with the religious aspects in my daily life. It is a very closely held path I choose to take on my own spiritual enlightenment. I don't find it necessary to attempt to sway others to whatever path I have chosen because I think I have a very eclectic view of many outlooks. This morning I drove Hannah to school because the bus didn't come through our neighborhood but yet we still had school! It took me 45 minutes to get back to the house in what should have been a five minute trip. During that time I did as I'm sure we all do - PRAY!

As I made the turnoff to our home I seriously considered driving the path Scott took on his last drive. I wanted to stand out there and feel the spirit of God in that pasture! I avoid that road at all costs but this morning was as if I had a need. I decided to exercise my own free will and choose not to take that path. Why did I need to send myself into despair? I came home and pondered my life and what is possibily in store but I have no answers as usual. I know that I made it today and that is what matters. I know I can smile, dream, wish, hope and imagine a future. That future will be awesome because I have chosen to learn the lessons handed to me for my soul.

I want to know happiness again someday. I want to know that I am loved in that very special way. I know I'm very fortunate to have such a vast amount of love in my life but to have that person that you support no matter what and that holds you up through any storm is worth it. It's not about diamonds on my hand or I do. I walked that path with Scott because it was what he wanted. I knew we were happy without all the three ring circus. Marriage is a bond that doesn't happen because of two signatures on a piece of paper. It happens because the smile that you receive that belongs to you alone shares the love that has no rules. It is the hand that is held in a crisis of life. It is in the person who follows you around picking until you spill the beans about what is bothering you because they want to make it better even if they can't. It is the person who doesn't mind seeing you in your sweats and no makeup but can make you feel priceless when approves of the fancy dress. It happens in the moments of looking at your children doing something wrong and trying not to laugh. It happens when that person can make you blush and you don't mind but you pretend you do. Those are the moments I want to experience. I don't want to replace Scott that is never an option. Whomever joins me in my life will just know that our pasts are what made us right for each other.

I have more life to share and the past events of my life have changed my view on things I could not have appreciated 20 years ago. I'm not perfect but I know I can give my love warts and all! Just don't make me get out my broom. I am a survivor. I am not alone in life's challenges but together we can support each other through it all! I don't need to go stand in that pasture and look at that damn pond, it has no meaning to the love that matters. It isn't the place Scott hangs out now and he really does push me forward to keep living. Today my place is here. Someday my place will be different but I will remain positive that Love is all that matters in life, however it is given!

On/Off Switch

I think my brain needs an on/off switch for tonight. I had a very busy day and for some reason that is okay but when I have days like that I can't turn my brain off when I get home. I'm in that why mood again. Not just why this happened but all the other thousands of why questions you can come up with. I feel like the kid who is learning about the world and drives Mommy nuts with the questions. My only problem is I'm the kid and the mommy all rolled into one! Makes for a schizophrenic kind of day.

"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars." - Charles Beard

I can stand outside in the cold of the night of winter and see the most beautiful sight. The night sky in Texas just goes on and on. I miss the nights of being bundled and looking at the floor of Heaven. I imagine all the possibilities that are up there. I ask all of those why questions and my answers are slowly being answered. Now really is it okay to feel my fun self being silly and goofy? Is it okay to know that I have possibilities but not know how to make them happen? I'm at it again asking too many questions. I need to go soak in the hot bath and delve into a good romantic mystery on my Kindle. If that is my extent of my love life this Valentine's weekend I know it is okay.

I know my mischief making spirit was at it again last night because when I woke up my big Buzz on my bed was cradling Dream bear in his arms. Then when I walked into the bathroom a certain over the shoulder holder was slung across the room. He is here with me. Scott is here and giving me comfort forever as I continue to make it in the land of the living. I am living forward to a new life. I'm taking the small steps to smile and visualize the possibilities that I'm really ready to continue forward. Somedays it is okay to pause and regroup but isn't that what a strategy is about. Isn't that how wars are fought and battles won? I will conquer this journey in my own space and time. I just have to stop and look up at the Stars of Texas and know I have possibilities for more in my life then being the crazy cat lady.

Colors of Life

So what does being responsible get me. A beautiful daughter and a lonely life. So what do I do when I wanna be a bit bad? I can't throw things and slam doors. I can't go get drunk since I don't drink. I'm not a bar scene girl and well whatever that gets you isn't anything I want. So I do what I do best - be Mom and work. I love both of them. I think you get the idea though.

I guess I feel a bit pathetic again. Yup these darn bipolar emotions are nuts. Ugg! Is there a time in life that will be comfortable again in my own skin consistently? I'm trying. Today, one of the ladies at work told me she sees a twinkle of life back into my eyes. She said that the process of seeing colors again after the loss of someone in your life takes time. Yes I see colors. I don't see all the colors all the time but there are moments when the rainbow is complete.

Someone needs to give me a smile again. I need a fix. I need a rainbow moment where it's okay to be myself. I really feel like I'm in here and I like it when I can be fun. I like knowing that somewhere along the way I get to be happy again. I don't know who, what, when or where but why I do know! I know why because I am a nice person with love to still give. I know I have to settle for turtle speed for the rest of the answers to this screenplay of my life. Apparently I have the makings of my own Hallmark movie. Can someone supply the happy ending? I'm too tired tonight to think someone really would decide that I'm worth the effort. Yup I'm a mess but sleep may help - I hope!

Superbowl Bunk!

Superbowl Sunday. Another day that I woke up saying we should have been doing this and we did this last year! Can someone just get me through this first freaking year! Enough kicks in the hiney and slaps in the face. I get it! I have to live my life differently. I have to live forward. I know my heart still works because I know I'm not dead. I tried but you can't cry yourself there!

I've not cried today. It is more of the anger kind of day. I told Hannah the only reason I would watch is because the show is on FOX and that equals my favorite player/announcer! Yes I have always had a crush on Troy Aikman. Which is funny because I could care less about someones famous life! Scott thought it was funny and always teased me.

Last year Superbowl Sunday ended in lots of fun. I'm pretty sure that isn't happening. I've done a really good job avoiding it today except the halftime show. It was funny watching the girls yell at the TV. We did better then that and we stood right there! It is funny the little stuff in your life that brings enjoyment. I'm trying not to be angry today. It seems a bit foreign because I don't generally feel that emotion. I know Scott had wanted to be at this game. That was the plan. We were supposed to be in that stadium. A bucket list item = attend a Superbowl game. I guess it can stay on the list. I'd like to go someday but for now it is okay that I'm avoiding the game.

I learned a long time ago - if it is important enough someone will share! The score is being shared. I will know who wins but to me it doesn't really matter. This is the first year ever that I haven't rooted for one of the teams playing. So today I root for my Chiefs. Shh! I know they aren't playing but I can pretend! It's more fun then being angry over a death and a football game! I have to journey through these emotions it is just funny how they arrive in strange packages!

Home Depot

What a day. Not busy but we had family time. My Mom came over and spent the day with Hannah and I. I can tell you really didn't do much but I loved being with Mom and Hannah. They are so much alike. They enjoy hanging out and I just kind of sit and watch them. I did some things for Mom on her new computer and set up her Skype account for her so she can talk to my niece. It was so funny watching Hannah and Mom talking to each other across the room and then from across the house but we got it working.

Mom was looking for something at Home Depot so today I made my first trip into that store in a year! The day Scott died he went to HD to pick up fire ant killer and yard stuff for the weeds. All of those bags are sitting in my garage exactly where he left them. It's not like I don't need to go to that store. I really do have things I need. Today I wandered around by myself and struggled to keep a panic attack under control. We spent many hours there. Great memories! How many times have you been kissed picking out fence boards! I made it. I survived! It is going to be okay that memories happen and I continue to conquer my demons.

"Courage, bravery, fortitude, will, and intrepidity, is the ability to confront fear, pain, risk/danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. "Physical courage" is courage in the face of physical pain, hardship, death, or threat of death, while "moral courage" is the ability to act rightly in the face of popular opposition, shame, scandal, or discouragement." -definition of courage

I'm okay with knowing I have courage to live through this battle. Ten months ago tomorrow I lost a love and a life that was made of dreams. I'm afraid. I'm very afraid but I have the courage to journey into the unknown. Does that mean I get to be happy? Does it mean I get to have a life? Does it mean I can someday go to the grocery store alone? Does this mean I can do things around the house to fix things and go to Home Depot alone? Yup I still have to have courage, the little things still hit me, even on a good day.

Sight of a Future

I'm not a very patient person sometimes. When I want something I want it to be done and moving forward. Hannah tells me it drives her nuts. My psychologist just tells me I make decisions, stick to them and that's not a bad thing. I do change my mind but sometimes it is as if I have a little insight that I can't explain. It was a beautiful day today. My body cooperated with the snow and cold weather. Darn MS it is rarely predictable and temperature extremes just make my arms and legs do their own thing. Today was good. I hate mornings but I was up and dressed and going very early. I was a smart cookie and waited for the roads and sun to be a bit better before driving to work.

I love the peace of the quiet after a snow before everyone is up and around. I just don't like to be wet and cold! I can only say I felt arms again. It isn't always and sometimes just out of the blue. But those arms will always be welcome. I can only say that the powers of beyond are comforting. The comfort of the love we share keeps helping me live forward. I was treating a patient this morning. He was very focused on his life and marriages. He kept asking me about mine. I told him of my loss but he kept saying it is okay to find happiness again, your life isn't over. I don't know what that will mean but when he said it with his wise twinkle in his eyes I knew he was correct.

I made it home with the great need of a nap. In my dreams was a visit. He seems to be there when I need him but I don't spend my day obsessing. In one of my many readings I found a passage that spoke of learning to live your life with the presence of your lost loved one. It is a new form of the relationship but I don't feel as if it effects my earthly interactions. Everything each of us has ever gone through shapes our lives. From death to muddled relationships each of us have our own stories to share and forgivenesses to make. We each must journey to live forward. Today, Scott held my hand and showed me a place that my journey holds. I must be patient. It will take time but yes I will live forward to continued happiness. I know I'm alive and he is gone. I'm not in forever morning. I am patiently making it out of this. I like smiling. I like laughing. I like knowing I am alive and have much to find in my journey. It isn't over.

1-800-Flowers!

"On this day, God wants you to know
... that well done is always better than well said. Actions are deeper than words, and intentions deeper than actions. Keep on focusing on the deepest level of your being, that's the one that God is listening to..."

Yes once again there are things in this life it is better to just move on and not be obsessed about. It is time to finish the last of Scott's estate stuff. You really can't get out of taxes even if you die. You just don't have to be the one to do them. Did you know that? I didn't but somehow I think I should have looked into a second career as an estate attorney. I know all kinds of seemingly useless Texas Estate Law now. It seems ironic that the taxes were the last thing I had done for Scott the night before he died. I'm sitting here right where we sat as I sent the email to the IRS and his little smile on his face telling me that money was for our honeymoon. Little did he know it would be paying for his funeral.

So today I borrowed a friend's "Message from God" from her facebook page. It is funny because we always talked about intentions and actions. We love each other. I not forgetting that ever. A friend who didn't know Scott but has been a shoulder on a few occasions in this process said to me yesterday that you two had a short but intense relationship. We did. I don't think I want to repeat that. I want to know that I can be with another person for a long time without that being ripped from us. There are no guarantee's though but I know I'm not going to say no to the possibility that love is still out there. I'm not going to be the lonely old cat woman. I love my kitties but I think I will outlive them. I'm not ready to go to that thought though so let's push aside my poor blind baby leaving me anytime soon.

It was really funny because last night when I came home my XM radio wasn't working until I pulled into the garage and suddenly the only station I had was the LOVE station. I rarely listen to that channel anymore because it always makes me cry. It was funny because this morning once again the only channel I got was LOVE! I just started laughing because Richard Marx was on. The song was him. Music is so powerful. I just wish I was better at remembering artists and song titles. I'm not sure why I needed those messages today but I just accepted them.

I'm so ready to try something new. I'm tired of sitting on the couch. I'm tired of being my own company. Hannah is here but really date night was always a blast and I don't think she wants to hold my hand across the table and make plans. I really know she doesn't even want to sit next to me in the movies. So for now I will take my "date nights" with my girlfriends. I have the bestest friends in the world. A little gossip and lots of laughs is always fun. So should I send myself flowers after a great weekend alone? I'm making myself laugh but I think I'm only smiling at my jokes to make myself feel better. I actually do feel better but days are still hard.

Accepting a Smile

Random Waving! Shh I'm watching iCarly. I know I promised but actually it was just on when I finished the show I DVR'd. Scott and Hannah used to go all kinds of places and do random waving versus random dancing. My face would turn all shades of pink. I am so easily blushable. I miss the family time. All we ever wanted was our family. I have Hannah and the rest of my amazing family so I will hang on but really who else will ever get a kick out of surprising me or making me blush ten shades of red?

I got a great cheering up today at my favorite burger place. Nothing solves the doldrums like food and friendship. I got my usual hug and a complement about the hair. It is fun to find my smile and I have little baby steps to the future. I am living forward and I will find my own wings. I don't like hearing I am strong but I am good with hearing I have courage.

After lunch today Mike called to tell me church Wednesday stuff was cancelled for Hannah tonight. Something was said about voices in the head. My immediate answer was, "No I'm the one with Scott's voice in my head all the time." He just laughed. Nope things happen and people end up in your life for reason we don't get. It is okay to just smile and go with it. So I keep trying to live forward. My other choice is apparently not an option and crying really does ruin the makeup job and makes me all bulgy eyed. I can laugh at myself so hey that is progress. I am living forward. I found answers to several of my questions today but there are more. I just have to believe in being the turtle. "It's okay. I love you!" will always float into my head at all the right moments. He stands beside me guiding me with light and love. I found my smile today. I will understand why someday but today I'm okay with just accepting the smile.

Daddy Love

Well it's cold windy and yucky. Fits my mood. I seemed to have slipped from my happiness and I'm struggling to those happy moments again. I was doing so well. Last night I cried myself to sleep. I haven't done that in sometime but it's okay this too shall pass right. It's just realizing that people take for granted what is right in front of them is heartbreaking. The stuff in your life doesn't matter but really when the crap happens you need to forgive and love. I didn't say you have to like but well forgiveness is within your power.

Today the most important man in my life would have been 71! My life has always been hard. There are so many things I would wish for, Scott and Dad are the two that I can't have. It is really funny because they were so much alike yet they didn't meet until Heaven. I would like to have seen that meeting. When Scott talked I could hear my dad handing me love.

Today my sadness continues and I will fight how to deal with the sadness. I will help someone realize that life is precious and forgiveness is the only way to live life to the fullest. Love matters; being loved and giving love are a must for my life. I have been reminded of that love numerous times today. Yes music is magic and friends are unstoppable. Scott always knows when to send the right song even sitting in the orthodontist's office and I was reminded today that I matter to more people then just Hannah.

Where's the "I will survive" song right now? If you love someone never leave them behind! Daddy and Scott are always in their spaces in my heart. I think I will make it but it is okay to have down days. I know my Daddy would have given the world to have lived further into his life. He didn't choose to leave my brother and I behind. We were his world but not the only part of his world. That I understand but he taught us to love. I found love that I don't ever want replaced but I do believe when and if I'm ever ready I will find the courage to live that life again. Not yet but I can do with all the friends I have in my life and I always have room for one more!