I Mowed the Yard!!!

I mowed the grass! Do you hear me jumping up and down and screaming! I mowed the yard without anyone around - no help, no one holding my hand! I'm so proud of myself. I made a left turn. I had to fill up the gas can all by myself. That required me leaving the house today. I tend to be a complete hermit when I don't have Hannah unless someone makes me leave the house. Today I stayed hidden but then I just couldn't stand hiding anymore. I put on "I can leave the house clothes" versus the "lounging clothes" and went to the gas station! While I was at it I filled up the car too. My organizing self still works.

I got home filled Scott's prized riding lawn mower! I stuffed my headphones in my ears and cried my way around the front yard. Then I sprayed the weeds in the front yard. The sun was starting to set but I kept going. Our backyard may hold a very large swimming pool but there is enough room out there for a tennis court too! The sunset was beautiful, the music blaring in my ears was talking to me and I turned on the headlights and finished a chore. I can't explain how this task ranks right up there with dating and the grocery store.

Someday there might be someone who I want to date or maybe I might go to our grocery store but for now - I MOWED THE YARD ON SCOTT'S LAWN MOWER!!! I'm patting myself on the back. After I did that I did some exercise in the pool under the beautiful Texas stars! I miss him very much but I'm climbing the hills! I am living forward with a lot of help from all kinds of places!

Onward and Upward

Have you ever wanted something in your life but you just don't know how to go about getting it? I'm trying and I guess patience is the best answer. I can feel it just out of reach and untouchable. Does that make sense? I always love a challenge but getting on with a life is a bit much some days. I can feel life tickling my toes. Tempting me to make those left turns that I have avoided all year.

I know exactly the things I need to do and somehow there are those people in my life who keep giving me a hand. I want to leap frog over some of this stuff but well that just isn't happening. I like the moments that make me smile and laugh. I love the people in my life who make me smile and laugh. There is nothing more healing then having those moments in your life. I love moments of being silly and laughing. I miss the moments of acting my shoe size and not my age!

The other day, Rhonda and I were laughing, not just a chuckle but a deep laugh about how cute one of our resident's was that morning. It felt so good to feel that in my soul. One of those left turns that just happens. I love the feeling but laughter and light heartedness are just on the edge of being there more often. Reaching so very close to the me that is stuck sometimes. Putting myself in a place that could bring heartache but also being a part of life. I go through so many ups and downs through the days but I have realized my smile and laughter matters to other people. I like being happy. I'm not so sad but I can't explain how terrifying that is!

I miss me too along with missing Scott. I feel like when Scott died all of me went with him yet here I am left behind making it day by day. There are huge things I want in my life and I will reach them with patience and guidance. It takes time and I keep trying. I won't give up because I'm not that person. I want to be happy. I want to prove to myself, the world but most of all my daughter that loss of love doesn't mean loss of yourself. It is possible to be happy in silence, quiet or with others in your life. It isn't a forced feeling with some people. It is as natural process and I'm happy to have at least one person I don't feel left behind. Slowly others will emerge but I must have patience that life doesn't happen overnight.

Believing in More

"When you believe a thing, believe it all the way, implicitly and unquestionably." - Walt Disney


 
I quote lifted this from a friend tonight. It immediately spoke to me and I just knew I had to use it tonight. I believe so many things that I don't waiver very far from these days. I believe in the power of love and prayer to heal broken hearts and lift you up into a life you didn't know was possible. I still have to believe that there is more for me in my life. I'm in a very thoughtful strange crazy mood tonight.
 
I guess I shouldn't sit in long spans of time I end up thinking. Today I bruised my foot. Don't ask me how because I was driving out of the drive this am and my foot was the recipient of a sharp stabbing pain. Over the morning I watched the bruise form and my foot swell. I can't put much weight on it so I did what any responsible person would do - see the MD. It wasn't broken in x-ray but I received orders to rest and elevate with ice on my foot. That is what I have done all afternoon and evening. It sure made for a nice nap but word of caution don't answer the phone when you have been dozing. I may have to ask for a repeat of the conversation. Then again that might not be a bad thing. Now the swelling is down until I try to walk!
 
I can hear the heavenly laughter! Scott was so used to me doing crazy medical things to myself. How else would he stand by me through a liver blood clot, being rear-ended by a 91 year old man, a surgery, almost dying after surgery all within six months. Now here I am again doing something crazy to myself. I'm bored sitting here. I am amazed how much I do around the house. I'm bored and lonely. For the first time in a long time I need to keep believing that I'm "in it to win it!"
 
You can only watch so much tv and DVR programs. I need to move and go but I know the rules. I need to keep believing that loneliness can be combated. I am good with me, myself and I for the most part. So I have thoughts and ideas. Dreams that will be realized and dreams that come from sleep that give me hope. So I believe in all the world has to offer! I believe that the support of friend from a phone call comes from somewhere even when I'm groggy. I can't stop believing that I have a life that matters to at least a few people. I believe that my life will keep growing beyond.
 
When I sat in the MD office today I saw the new Nurse Practitioner. She is new but was very nice. We had a lot in common including the same first name. Not only that her husband died two years ago. You see I have to believe that more people keep entering my life for reasons that are of a heavenly power. I have been stressed about the loss of my amazing physician and finding someone else to care for me all because of a bruised foot that happens for no reason I found my MD! I believe and that power of light and love will continue to surround me!

Letting Go of Emotional Baggage

"Injuries hurt not more in the receiving than in the remembrance. A small injury shall go as it comes; a great injury may dine or sup with me; but none at all shall lodge with me... Grief for things past that cannot be remedied, and care for things to come that cannot be prevented, may easily hurt, can never benefit me. I will therefore commit myself to God in both, and enjoy the present." - Joseph Hall

There are so many things in life that hurt. I've been hurt lots of times. I currently can say the loss of someone you were expecting to spend many years of love with is an injury that bears many scars. I think it is okay to release the grief most of the time to God. I still have times of "if only" but I know it is self-torture to dwell on those times. I don't know of anyone who hasn't had this experience even if the person you know is alive but most certainly when you lose a loved one in death.

I take so much comfort in the possibility that the next plane of life is more then we can imagine here on Earth. That the possibility that all answers will be given, that the "what ifs" are gone, the people we encounter have more compassion and love for one another. In my current life now I wish that more people would stop and look at how their actions of "throwing under the bus" just to save themselves isn't the way to make the world a greater place to live.  That putting rules on new people in your life for the mistakes of others doesn't give you a new experience that may be life altering.

We have all been hurt in life but I am at peace. I have found the peace to have a lighter heart and make each day better. To know I can touch other's lives for the good. I don't believe my life is over or that I'm forever alone because of the loss of my love. I have so many things I want to do that guilt wears me down. I have to believe in my heart that Scott will always honor is promise to love me to infinity and beyond and in that love he taught me how to love others. There will be a day that I look around and realize greatness has been thrust upon me. It could be in so many ways but I still have love to give and touch so many lives for the better! My grief still fades in and out. I still have tears each day but I'm still standing. At the end of the day I still have a life with a purpose.

Tornado

I went to bed at 7:30 tonight only to be aroused at 8:30 by Hannah telling me the tornado sirens were going off in the neighboring community. We can't hear ours in our house even if they were going off so we took shelter in the bathroom just in case. Times like these really make prayer even more welcome but then I feel the peace surround me as Scott surrounds us. He was my hero! When it stormed even the tiniest bit of lightening I was freaking out. He would get all the blankets etc and send us to the bathroom on nights like this where the weather just didn't know what to do!

We have sat through many a storm in the bathroom but he would hover. He wouldn't stay with us - like he could conquer a giant funnel of wind and force of nature! You know what he can now!!!! He will always be there protecting and somehow I have a feeling that will never stop. I don't know what my future holds but I know he can hear me and will do whatever he can to keep protecting us.

Hannah and I are hanging out laughing, talking and watching the cat go all crazy nuts with the storm. Great bonding time but I'd much rather have a good night's rest tonight. When we went into the bathroom I grabbed the picture of Scott and I, my laptop so I could watch the storm on the net and all the pillows and blankets from the bedrooms (that tub gets hard!) It is amazing to me the power of technology and not feeling so alone tonight. Texting and facebook keeps you connected and alleviates some of the fears.

It was funny to be able to post pics of the crazy cat confined with us in such a small space. She kept moving so when it calmed down she relaxed and rested. I have so many people that care about us. I know I'm not alone when I get texts and worried FB posts from so many people. As a matter of fact I just got another text. I know there is power beyond what we can see. There has to be just a thin veil from one world to the next but we haven't reached the point in our soul development where we can see it all. We feel the light and love and if you are quiet enough you can hear it too.

I guess once again it isn't my time but I can keep living and finding my peace in what is the life I have been given. I do know that my journey in life matters! Now I think I need to have a discussion with God and Scott about these storms. I understand nature and all of that but can they see if they can lesson the storms and just send a peaceful calming rain! We need rain not Tornadoes!!

Guilty Pleasures

Guilty Pleasures! The theme for tonight's Dancing with the Stars. It is amazing to me how much music touches all of our lives. You can be a celebrity or just one of the common man. It makes me think about how much music is a part of my life now. I have this soundtrack that plays all the time. Music in all kinds of genres find it's way into each day in all kinds of places. I think that is one of my guilty pleasures. I treasure thinking that I will forever be surrounded by music.

Now as I sit here watching DWTS I think about other guilty pleasures in my life that are from Scott. German Chocolate Cake which I had a piece of tonight! Some of those things I miss so very much. The little moments of life and guilty pleasures. I guess it is time to find new guilty pleasure or you know what is even better to focus on my own guilty pleasures. Driving around singing at the top of my lungs, you don't want to hear it but it gives me joy. I have other things I enjoy; reading my romance novels on my Kindle, sitting in my place on the patio. These are things I truly enjoy and some of them are from before Scott and some of them are after Scott.

I like that I am finding myself again. That I can have a life free of guilt from being alive when he is gone but filled with things I like to do. I want to keep living. I want to keep experiencing my life's guilty pleasures and maybe find some new ones! I like things and people in my life who make me smile and laugh. I am a new person in the same body. I like learning about myself each day. Is it okay to say that finding this new person inside of me is one of my guilty pleasures? I feel like I have been infused with the self-confidence Scott was always pushing me towards. Now just don't expect me to be all wild though, that might just be a bit over the top with guilty pleasures!

Bring on the Ferro-roche! That is my ultimate guilty pleasure and one that Scott supplied me for last Easter with two giant bunnies full of candy. I still don't want to eat the candy but I know he would be so very disappointed that I was so sad I let it spoil. Maybe tonight I will read my book in the tub full of bubbles eating a truffle! Now that sounds like a fitting ultimate guilty pleasure to my future. I can do this one day at a time because I am only promised today.

The Hereafter!

I tried to sink myself into a hidden abyss today. I slept and slept and slept. I tried to do that all day but eventually the meds wear off. I wandered around the house moving things from one spot to the other. I'm not sad or depressed just lost. Does that make sense? I feel lost wandering around the house. I'm not sure I have a purpose today. I tried to make sense of my space and where I belong. I am so very different then I was before.

I looked outside the front window and found my Cardinal in my yard. I was able to capture his image and suddenly my spirit felt lighter. I can't explain the feelings but I felt love. I sat for 30 minutes watching as he would look straight at me. I was in the house sitting on the floor looking out the window. I was much better and not dwelling on life and the pain.

I rented the movie Hereafter! I'm sitting here feeling so many things watching this movie. Most of all I understand but yet I don't understand. I don't know what I should be doing today but I like to step out, smell the air and feel the warmth of the sun. I want a life to lead. I want to make each moment count. I'm glad today was a day that ended up counting. I was lost but I found myself somehow today. I found myself in my heart. I can make it. I will make it. Today was the last day of all the firsts for the year. I have a place in this world I am to be. I know I'm guided. I know we each have a reason for being in each other's lives. Take the time to touch another. Find the time to step outside your box and reach for a hand to hold.  It will be worth it sometime when you least expect it!

Joyous Heart

"Joy comes from simple and natural things, mists over meadows, sunlight on leaves, the path of the moon over water. Even rain and wind and stormy clouds bring joy, just as knowing animals and flowers and where they live." -Sigurd F. Olson

I like the days that are filled with joy! Even when I am woken by a work call on a Saturday! Really I didn't know Therapy was a life or death situation. At least I know I did my part and took care of the "situation!" Then I spent the most wonderful day with Hannah. Lunch, shopping, mani/pedi, swimming and movie watching. It is the small joys of the day that make it easier to live.

I know how important it is to stop and find the joy in each day. I have come so far and yet the days that I battle the grief are fewer. I understand what it takes to live forward. I want to be able to keep going. If that means I continue with a few setbacks here and there I will be good.

I try very hard to let my joy guide my days and not be overwhelmed by the sadness. I like that I am able to smile and laugh with others. The really great part is that I can make others smile and laugh too! Strangely enough my heart is joyous today. I think the day spent was worth far more then joy. It means I keep healing.

Hannah and I sat talking about the upcoming football season. We are both ready for that season. I'm not wishing my life away but taking the time to enjoy each day. I do need the adrenaline! Nothing like a beautiful Friday Fall Football  night. I want to continue enjoying each day that I am given. I want to keep living. I also want to find something to do that isn't always alone. I can't expect H to always be my entertainment. I like doing somethings alone but really I'm not meant to be alone all the time.

Yesterday I ran into some girls that Scott and I used to work with at another place. One of them was someone Scott was always worried about. The other was one he was always teasing and joking with during the day. There are so many people in this world who were charmed by that man. I'm so very lucky to have been loved so deeply by him. One of the girls asked me if I had a new man in my life yet! I thought to myself that requires me to be in a spot to meet one but then again it will have to be someone who will understand that I'm not just a random dater. I told them I'm not in a hurry.

So today I am happy with the joy I have had in the little things for today. I can only control what is in my own heart. I take it one moment at a time and keep going! Now who has ideas of a possible companionship for me? I know one day at a time but I have to keep stepping forward out of this box and that seems like something that might be fun! There is more to life then grief. I have to keep living forward.

My Toolbox

Wild week is all I can say. I need a shot of adrenaline again but I don't feel like driving anywhere to get it so I use what coping skills I have in my GIANT toolbox. Work helped deal with today. I not only have the fortune of passing a year mark without Scott on the dates but I also get the holiday that MOVES each year as the day he died. You know it would be okay if it were on the fourth Sunday of the eighteenth month or something like that but no I get a rotating holiday of the celebration of Jesus' Victory over Death and the promise of eternal life. I can see the irony but it doesn't make me want to celebrate. It makes me cry, it makes me angry and then I feel guilty because I'm still angry and frustrated with that part of my faith. Yes I pray everyday but sometimes I would really just like to ignore all the symbols. I have faith and I know that is how I have survived but suffering the loss on a day of celebration of Life is hard for me. Scott has eternal life but I have had to learn to not be jealous that I got left behind.

Do you know that Easter was originally a pagan holiday of renewal and rebirth? It was celebrated in early spring to the pagan goddess Eastre. When the pagans conversion to Christianity occurred the celebration was around the same time as the celebration of Jesus' resurrection so the two holidays were merged into what we as Christians now know as Easter. I've never said I don't believe, don't misunderstand I believe but in my own time I will find a way to move past this irrational behavior. Maybe one day I will allow someone to take my hand and guide me back into all of my faith and religion. The tool that I need to fix what is broken will appear when I am ready or most importantly when God believes I am ready.

I have changed this last year in ways that I have only let a few people know how. I may write this blog each day but I don't share it all. There are so many things I still need that tool box to repair and sometimes you can't fix it yourself. That's when you call in the repairman. It's not important that I fix everything myself but I also have to be on board. When I find the person to guide me it will be someone I trust will all my fears and joys. I know I have God on my side because he keeps putting tools in that toolbox and people to help me learn to use them!

Like I said this week has been crazy and stressful. I learned of another loss in my life this afternoon. You have to admire the power of the Internet and facebook! The most influential teacher in my life passed away. It is how the circle of life works but I seem to feel surrounded in personal loss. I know she touch hundreds of lives and in those touches she helped shape lives of decades of overachievers! I was blessed to have her touch my life!

So my toolbox took me outside tonight for a swim under the stars of Texas. I used the exercise and time with Hannah to regroup and destress. I'm less angry for the holiday weekend and will remember to celebrate life not morn it. To accept the gifts I have been given and continue to live forward. There will never be a cure for grief because it is part of the growth of my soul and my ability to make the difference in the life of others! I know I matter in life right now to others, therefore, I must keep living forward. Now I don't know if I'm ready to face Church and religion but I must be close because I'm talking about it. Please surround me with your light and love, guide me, protect me and show me the way. Keep adding to my toolbox and continue sending people to help me use the tools I have been given. My path will continue to unfold and I must live forward!

Angel Day

I'm very sure today has been an Angel Day. I'm not sure why but I guess I must have needed it because there was a lot of negative energy floating around and I kept being surrounded by light and love. My day started off just like any other day - it required me leaving the comfort of my bed! I dread bed at night and can't get out of it in the morning. I'm sure my mother would tell you it is not any different then when I was a kid. I know it's different because I dread for different reasons. Back then I was afraid I was going to miss something now I KNOW I am missing something!

I got dressed and got in the car! I guess it is a good thing I didn't get dressed in the car! The radio started right away with it's thing. I didn't have it on my ipod just the radio and there he was. One right after the other. I must have needed the support. My life will forever have a soundtrack! You hang out with me long enough you experience it for yourself. Most of the time I enjoy, sometimes it drives me crazy. This afternoon one of our little sweet patients was tooling to her room in her power wheelchair passed my office.  She drives really slow and suddenly stops. She starts singing "God Bless America!" very quietly at first and then full force. Rhonda and I stop and listen and I for no reason burst into tears. As she finishes I stand up and walk into the hallway. She sees me and gets this huge grin on her face. I tell her what a wonderful song that was. She reaches out for my hand and pulls me into a hug. She then tells me she just felt like we needed that. She then looks up at me and says "We need a hug and a kiss!" as she is looking to my left. There isn't anyone standing there but I hug her and kiss her cheek. She tells me "we think you are the most beautiful girl in Waco!"

I guess I needed the light and love. I pray for it daily and there it was. My heart was filled with joy. I do love what I do and it gives me great peace and joy to know I have been given a gift to make other's lives brighter! When I reach out to touch someone else I am rewarded a thousand times over. I know that if I just stop to listen or reach out with a gentle touch or hug I have made someone know they matter to someone else. Life isn't about how much you have but how much you give of yourself.

I am once again sitting in my world of time out. My place of peace. I puttered in the yard and cleaned the pool and just as the sun began to set my cardinal stopped by for a visit. I almost had his image captured but he was sneaky and fluttered off. Everyday since Saturday I have seen a Cardinal. When I went to the cemetery I saw one near it, I saw one on my way home from work and tonight I saw my Cardinal land in the little tree that Scott planted for me two years ago. It was my fault he flew off because I wanted that picture.

I just know that my life matters not just to those living around me but to those who surround me from beyond. I have a purpose and I will find my way. I will not waste it on anger and frustration. I will continue to ask for peace. That always makes me chuckle because I think of a beauty pageant. I have found the will to live forward onto a different path. I will take the love from my Angels and share with those around me. My heart has an endless well of love to give in all different shapes, sizes and types. I know I have been given a chance to accept the differences inside of me. I am slowly able to describe them but some of those changes I am not yet ready to reveal. I will be where I am supposed to be when I am supposed to be there because I have help all around me!

Protecting My Daughter

How do you help your own child deal with grief when you are on overload? I've worried about her through this year but last night something happened that deserves it's own blog. We attended the visitation and put the flowers on Scott's grave (that words gives me the creeps). I know that had to be horribly hard to see my name right there with Scott's - knowing that life is not endless.

We spent the large part of the trip there talking about life and things that are happening. It has always been great place for us to talk and have fun together, riding in the car! I love my daughter so very much. I wish with all my heart I could have protected her from ever losing someone in her life she dearly loved. Scott was a great father to both girls but you know Hannah was with us more often then Laynie. I can still see them sitting on the floor in the living room doing Algebra homework and memorizing "Oh Captain, My Captain" for English class. He was such a huge part of her day to day life also!

I know she has been strong and stoic at times but I know her heart misses him too. She misses knowing he was there for her and held her up when I was dying. He would hug and kiss me and she would walk up and hug me from the other side. She taught Laynie how to say "ewww gross" and try to separate us. She helped him plan the perfect spot to propose and then gave him grief after he couldn't wait. She taught him to swim! The hardest part was knowing how much pain I have endured.

She keeps worrying that there will be someone there to take care of me. She worries about me being alone and not having a life except for the cat when she is gone. I am working so very hard on proving to her that I can live alone, be alone and not be lonely! My beautiful, smart, funny, incredible daughter is an old soul. She doesn't get ruffled easily but she keeps things inside too much.

After we left the cemetery we were headed back through town when Hannah watched a puppy get run over by the truck in front of us. She saw the dog run into the street, the hit and the blood and the bouncing. I heard immediate crying. I couldn't do anything to comfort her. I drove and talked. I told her to do what we know is right - PRAY. We finally got to a point where we could talk. She just kept crying and telling me she was going to have horrible nightmares. We talked about how accidents happen and that just as with Scott's accident there was nothing we could have done for the puppy. I keep thinking how the person who hit the dog must have felt. I just makes me grimace with the thought.

Sometimes I just don't know how to help her other then be there for her. I love her more then my own life. I would love to make it all right and be in the life we had. I know she feels the same way. I don't know what I will do with my life in three years but I do know I will keep doing what ever I can to let her know she is what matters in my life. If I could protect her from all the pain in life I would but I also know she will be one strong woman in life because of all that she has been handed in her short life.  I love you Hannah!

Not Forgetting the Pain

"We cannot afford to forget any experience, not even the most painful." -Dag Hammarskjold

Tonight I did a lot of remembering of the most painful experience in my life. Hannah and I attended the visitation for Scott's Dad in the same funeral home where Scott was. I keep saying I don't recall much from back then but then again I do. I feel the immense pain and loneliness standing in a room full of people and just wanting to scream to leave me be. Bring him back. This shouldn't be happening and I shouldn't be standing here in an outfit Scott picked out for me for our honeymoon. Those were all the feelings that floored me today. The panic was just below the surface and the fear of reliving those nightmare days over again.

I think a huge part of my problem is the lack of sleep still. I don't know why I'm still standing most days or even how for that matter. I guess I should just thank the drug manufacturer's for giving me that. It is, however, possible for me to outwit the drugs sometimes in my brain. I can never forget the pain of all those days, weeks, months, I'm still not up to years yet. I don't think the pain will ever go away but here I am surviving it on a different level! I am at peace in my heart. I can feel the light and love surrounding me from some strange people at times but who am I to judge why I have the support I have. I just accept it.

The pain is just as much a part of me as the love! I'm just glad I'm able to give love to others. I am thrilled that love just doesn't come in one little shape or size. Tonight when I walked into the funeral home, I saw for the first time in a year, one of Scott's best friends. He made me remember happiness and made me feel good about being able to live forward. I still have tons of living to do and I'm not giving up even when I have to remember the pain. I try to thank each of you individually for holding me up but sometimes there are so many that I may not get all the words out. So thank you for touching each day I have been given.

Tonight I was there for support. I met a friend in person that I made because of losing Scott. She is always so kind and it was nice to be able to hug in person. Tonight I couldn't walk near the casket but Amy, Hannah and I were able to take the casket spray out to the cemetery in the dark to place on Scott's grave. We got stopped at the railroad tracks and had to find a different way around just as the sun was setting. Scott's message was "there is always a different path to face an obstacle!" As got out of the car Hannah looked at me and said, "How does it feel to know this is where you will be buried?" I'm good with that! It is where my body will be when the time comes. Scott is my forever to infinity and beyond. If there is someone else out there for me that would be God's will but Scott and I were given our time for a reason. 

I can face the pain because of our love. In that love there are so many things that happen that seem unimportant. The best thing I can continue doing is living forward in my time with God and Scott surrounding me with light and love. Giving me hope through friends and family to keep going. My heart is at peace for the moment because I have been able to face the pain and sorrow by walking straight through it. I am forever changed for the good because of a love of a lifetime crammed into five years! He is there waiting across the bridge behind the thin veil with his arms wide open for me when I get to make that journey. I know it's not my time but I am at peace and will be living until I do get my wish!

Greenness of My Heart

"Who would have thought my shrivel'd heart
Could have recovered greenness?" - George Herbert

I have never thought my heart was shriveled but some days it has sure felt like it. As I sit out on the patio breathing in the hot humid summer weather on an April day I think about the people and things around me that I have touched that continue to grow. I nurture my daughter, my family and friends, my plants why is it so hard to nurture your own heart at times.

I have travelled this road at a time in my life when I should be living life to the fullest. Scott and I never did anything in the right order in our relationship. It's probably a good thing kids were out of the possibility of our relationship because we probably would have done that all out of order too! Is there really a timeline for life and love or is it just something that some type A/OCD person like myself has dictated that we must do in order to conform to society?

I think the different me was a bit hidden but there inside me all along. Is it crazy that there are somethings I want to do to step outside of my comfort zone? No I'm not going to go all Harley girl, tequila swilling, party hopper! That would be on the opposite side of my normal. But then again maybe zip line in Alaska is all I need! Maybe flying to Fiji on my own is all I need. This is my life now. I have Hannah but you know what those four years I had before she left the house has turned into three! I know I've got the alone thing down. I don't feel lonely but companionship would be good at some point.

I was watching a movie on Saturday night with J. Lo. "The Back-up Plan" Cute movie but in it her "Nana" has been "dating" this man for 23 years! He is 92 and she finally agrees to marry him. It was so cute. They had found a life together and she had been afraid for all those years to just take the plunge. I'm not saying I want to take the plunge ever again but I don't want to be 90 and have just wasted the rest of my life. Scott will never be replaced in my heart but geez it would be fun to have someone to go do things. Yes Girls you are great and I love my girlfriends but we all know that conversations are different! I am saying I'm open to these steps I'm supposed to take when the time is right.

I just figured out that I'm alive so I'm not really pushing the envelope yet but my fingers are just sharing the words in my brain. I'm not planning out a future because I'm living each day as I've been given. Besides, I'm not sure my family genetics will help me get to 92 plus they need to find a cure for MS. I, however, have found the cure for grief! It hasn't killed me because I faced it head on! I am stronger each day because I continue to live forward surrounded by God's love given to me by my friends and family. I will always have infinity and beyond. Now I guess I'd better get back to planning the nature I can nurture. I need flowers out here to complement my roses!

Kitchens

Why is it that when a loved one dies the kitchen always gets cleaned? Today Amy and I spent the afternoon busying our hands with tidying the kitchen and cleaning out the refrigerator. I'm worn out and exhausted but I feel like I know how much Scott wants his momma taken care of and loved. I have that in my heart. At one point I looked at Amy and said I feel like Scott is laughing at us and about that moment the dog ran into the kitchen and started barking.

When Scott died I was surrounded by so many people but the one person I remember was one of my four Mother-in-laws. Bertti was my kitchen cleaner. I don't think my kitchen has ever been so tidy. I just have fleeting moments of memory of her in the kitchen and taking care of me. How many women get four mother-in-laws? Mike came with three and then Scott's mom. I love them all.

I know you are all very worried about how this bit of change in the world is effecting me and my memories of Scott and our life together. I am still standing strong. I  know I have made it to a place in my life where I have been able to keep going. I am a very different person then I was a year ago. I am a very different person then I was a month ago. I don't know how to explain the difference but I am making it still living each day I have been handed. I know what I need in my life but as always I must be patient with what I know is waiting for me. I know it is there because Scott promised me. I will try to remain patient even with my type A personality and OCD!

Today I went to the cemetery alone before I came home. I sat on the ground as the sun started to set. I know Scott is in my heart forever but I know I understand the point of continuing to live forward each day. I used to want to waste away with the pain in my heart. The pain remains but I have learned to live each day I have been given. My heart has promise for continued love.

Today when I arrived home I took my rings off and laid them on the bedside table where they go everyday before I go to bed.  I stopped and read my little bookmark that tells me each day I have the strength to go on. I just know that my Angel gives me strength once again to do what I didn't know I had it in me to do! I cleaned the kitchen. I wish I could do more but I know Scott is happy I was able to be there for his mother. He didn't want any of this to happen but we live with the days we are given. I will keep living forward into each day that is mine. I have a purpose and apparently I'm really good at holding hands and cleaning kitchens.

Adore Always, Remember Forever, Love to Infinity and Beyond. Today I ask to be surrounded by Your Light and Love, guide me, protect me and show me the way. I will listen in the silence for your answers to where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to do.

Family Love

"The love inherent in the human family is available to me." - Martha Hickman Wicks

I don't know how to blog today. All of my emotions are all in turmoil. Scott's sister, Amy (my sis-in-law) called and let me know their Dad had passed away. They took him off the life support. He suffered a massive stroke on Wed and today he joined Scott. I know in my heart Scott was there to greet him. I still don't understand why Scott had to leave a year ago but today I know he and Charles made peace in Heaven.

Amy and Carolyn I will do anything for you because I love Scott. We didn't get forever yet. I got left behind but I'm here living forward. I don't know what my life holds. I walked around the house looking at all the pictures of Scott. It was funny to see him with all that hair. I've seen them before but today I was in a place that I was able to see and live.  I hugged Carolyn and tried to be there because I understand what it means to lose the person you love. It puts you in a fog and you don't want to know what is happening around you. I made sure she had her favorite drink because Scott told me to make sure.

Tonight Amy and I went to the cemetery. I needed to see our headstone. The headstone I chose because of our love for each other. There is an entire story behind the headstone. It will be there for me when it is my time or it just be where the date is engraved. I don't know what the future holds. I really don't know what happened a year ago. I just know that our love is different and here I am.

I do know as we stood out there at twilight we could both feel the peace and love surrounding us. The peace was with us. The birds were singing, the train off in the distance. I stood holding Amy as we both cried and told her to listen to the quiet and feel the answers from God. It has been the only way I have made it this far in the year. I didn't take a step backwards today. I held my ground. I listened to God. I felt the arms surrounding me and Scott's love filling my heart.

There are people in our lives for reasons we don't understand. There are people who are supporting me as I support Scott's family. I have the power to keep going even when I don't understand how. I have the power to face grief anew. I was thinking on the drive home tonight that if we were in Victorian times we would have just finished the year of morning for Scott and dressing as such but yet here we are again - morning. Scott and Charles please surround Amy and Carolyn. Help them walk the path of living forward. I will ask to continue to be surrounded by light and love, guide me, protect me and show me the way.

There are purposes for each of us. Our souls are connected. Each of you is in my heart for a reason. I have love to give and tonight I will keep surrounding Scott's Mom and Sister with my love because it is the place I am supposed to be for Scott because I love Scott. I am making it forward even when you think the world just needs to swallow up all the grief and sadness. I will keep giving them my love and you know I may be giving it to you someday too!

Bad Punchlines!

I am in charge of my own happiness! I know that but have you just ever had one of those days where you just want to choke someone. I've had one on those days. Remember that negative Nelly widow whose husband died five years ago? Well she WAS one of my employees. Today, this am more specifically she walked into my office, told everyone to leave and proceeded to tell me she was walking out on her job. Her reason was that it was not a good fit for her and I was not any good at being a boss. I was too young and maybe in some years I would find out how to be a better boss. Now on Friday's I have deadlines! I don't just mean one but so much that by 11 am I have done a days worth of work.  I just looked at her after her tirade on my character and said, "I need to get these reports done." She looked at me and proceeded to start in on me again. I was impressed with my ability to bite my tongue and say "I wish you well."

My heart just doesn't work that way. I feel so sad for her but I will not let her inability to live a joyous life effect me. I know that in my life I touch many lives and there has to be just one I matter to and for. I know that because I see the future in her. In the life I helped create. The one thing in my life where I was the ultimate carrier of God's love of life.

I reached out for my friends today. I took my staff, whom I count as friends, to lunch. I asked another friend for a joke. I'm still groaning over that one but hey he tried and it did make me smile. I have so many great people in my life. I called my boss. We had been talking about the problem all week. Trying to come up with ways to make it work, to help this person succeed in her job. She didn't want to succeed. My boss is wonderful she started laughing and told me I was one of the best Directors she has. I have done with a team and a building that could never find peace. I can't get along with everyone but I sure try.

I will just keep trying. I will keep trying in each day I'm given to look for the positive and keep trying to make a difference in lives of the others around me. I have only walked in my shoes. I don't walk in anyone else's shoes because mine give me blisters every so often and I don't have enough bandages for my feet to do their marathon! 

So here it is Friday night. I'm home alone. I'm stuck in my world but I'm happy in my world tonight. I have my Netflix to keep me company. I am finding my inner peace and listening for the cues to keep me on my path. I may sleep but I doubt it will be for longer then two hour spurts. I have a life to live and even if it is a quiet day I need the mental break. I need to keep living forward into each new day and treasure each one I've been given. Even when those days include negative Nelly's! Now if someone has a way to get the punchline to a bad joke out of my head I'm open to suggestions!

Our Daily Gift

This day has been an introspective crazy day. I'm not sure up from down today. Scott's Dad isn't doing well and all I keep praying for is that he finds peace. I don't know what I'm thinking other then I'm numb. I want to help. I'm just waiting for the word. So all I can do is keep praying. I'm really good at that. My faith was shaken a year ago but I prayed. It wasn't the answer I wanted but it was the answer I received. I have learned that the best thing is prayer. I can do just that keep praying. It is all I can do right now. I know I have to step over my own selfish barriers to a new wave of grief that this has brought upon me. I know I'm not alone with the pain but I'm so scared. Peace that is what I pray for Charles and the rest of the family.

I have to keep tackling all the bumps in the road but sometimes my heart just hurts for a life that should be here making the family come together and making the choices. That isn't what happened but I know in my heart Scott is helping Charles. How can he not be? Maybe that was one of the reason God took Scott from us on Earth. His plan for Scott is greater then we can imagine. I just have to accept that when it is my time he will be there for me in our castle in the sky.

All of this makes me deal with my emotions but they keep coming out in physical ways. I am a mess. My body feels like it is dying and I can't sleep still. I need to find my place for sleep. I have ideas but it's okay if that still is another place to reach for. I can't fix it all over night!  I just keep living forward. Hannah was out with her Dad for their Thursday night time so I went outside. The pool was 82 so I grabbed the suit and stepped in. I took a bit because I'm such a wienie when it comes to cold water but before I knew it I was swimming. I was really swimming laps! I was in a place that I LOVE to be.

I have struggled with water since Scott died. Even the bathtub took be a long time before I could sit there and not just cry. We loved being in the water together, the bath, the shower, the pool, or the lake. It has been a battle but tonight I got in the pool. I felt him with me. I could see those crazy orange swim trunks but I didn't panic. I swam hard and fast. I wore myself out. Maybe now I can sleep! Maybe the exercise will let me really sleep for an entire night. I don't know but I'm trying. I did it on my own. I am doing this. I am doing things without thinking. I am doing things without asking for a hand to hold me up. I am doing things with lots of prayer. I have to keep finding my own strength and will to survive each and everyday.

I know I wouldn't have made it this far without the love and support behind me. I know if I try something and fail I can ask for help. I can reach out and I will be surrounded as always with love. I just keep taking each day as a gift. We are not guaranteed a tomorrow so we must embrace the life we live today and be thankful for the days we have already lived. We have a Daily Gift to give and receive. Take a moment and lift for the answers to your path.

Created Anew

"At every point in the human journey we find that we have to let go in order to move forward; and letting go means dying a little. In the process we are being created anew, awakened afresh to the source of our being." -Kathleen R. Fischer

I seem to keep stepping into quotes without skipping around from one point to the other in my daily grief inspiration book. I haven't finished the year of the book when I bought it so I do still read. I may also continue to read long after I have finished the first year because I do believe that I will have more to keep learning and growing. I'm pretty sure that once I read the quotes again, first I won't remember great spans of time and second they will now mean different things to me.

I am finding that I have been having an awakening of sorts these days. I am who I am but I am different! I'm not sure that makes sense. I feel like a turtle peeking it's head out of the shell checking around and getting the lay of the land. I know it would be very easy for me to step back but right now it might be okay if I keep inching out someday I will be there and like a friend says I will have made a left turn and not even known it! Yes I can connect a turtle and a left turn! My brain just works that way and the good things is there are actually people in my world who can follow me!

I don't know what will happen in the rest of my life. There are times I would like to better understand how I got here and what it all means but I think if I keep trying to live forward it will someday put me somewhere else. Scott and I shared a beautiful life and a relationship that I treasure. He gave me a love that will never die. We always knew that we had to step forward to be together and for that I have no regrets. I may be here on this plane of life alone but Love just doesn't die. He is and will always be a thought, prayer and love away.

I guess what I want to say is that no matter who you are right this moment and the life you have been given you have a choice about how you handle the path you have been given. I'm not always perky and cheerful. I still have things that drive me crazy nuts but I do know if I step back and breathe I can then live forward again. I don't always like sitting out here alone. There are thousands of times I wish with all my heart Scott was sitting here with me -he'd be going stir crazy just sitting though - or even that I was doing something else. I'm trying not to bury myself in life's activities but still take the time to listen to my journey and my heart.

I can hear the crunch of the cat eating junebugs. I can hear the chirp of the crickets. I can hear the bark of a distant dog. I can hear birds tweeting. I can hear cars off in the distance. But in all the sounds I can hear answers to my prayers. If you take the time to sit in the stillness of the night, clear your mind and just listen you can hear the answers. You can feel the love and light surrounding you. I know the path I am on. I know where I am supposed to be right now at this time in my life. Last year I would have given my own life to not have to deal with the pain but I knew that choice would only cause more pain. I am a person with a giving heart. I still have much love to give and I know there are people in my life who understand that part of my soul.

I have recently met a person who lost her husband five years ago and I feel the negative energy and pain radiating from her. No matter what I say or do I can't help her. She doesn't want to live the life she has been given and for her I feel nothing but sadness. I can only offer her what I have to give but I can't allow her pain to become mine. Right now I still need to focus on my own ability to live forward. I still have my own baggage and burdens to bear. I keep trying but sometimes walking away and knowing you have offered love may seem selfish but I can't control the lives of others.

I am where I am to be at this moment in time. I have a journey to continue because I recognize the power of love from this plane to the next. I am reaching for peace in my heart. Yesterday one of the maintenance guys I work with looked at me and said, "Where you going this weekend?" He also lost his wife years ago and he knows I flew away without any planning! I told him not much when he laughed and said, "Let's go to the coast and drive in the sand!" I know my life is about helping others as I learn to help myself. My smile matters to so many and in my peace I find my smile grows.

My soul continues to find the path of life with all the bumps and "chuckholes" (that one is for Scott!) He will never be gone from my heart and yes I still believe our love is for infinity and beyond but my heart still has room. Someday I may find the path for religion but I don't think God minds as long as I still have faith in the power of His light and love. I know I will keep listening for my answers to continue this difference this being "created anew!"

More Steps Forward

More life is happening. How have I done this. I have really just taken myself out of whatever box I've been in all these years and changed. I have just taken a giant leap in the last two weeks. Tonight I have officially become part of the executive committee for next years Band Backers, as the Hospitality co-Chair. I love all those kids. Like I said really outside my comfort zone. I guess it is time to put my social skills to the test but it's all good, right? After 20 years as a Speech Therapist I can do all that entails it is my comfort zone but joining the parents after I've spent all these years running from the PTA. Just call me crazy. I'm sure it will be fun but I guess I need some kind of social life. What better way then feeding the band! I'm ready for football season again. I love that adrenaline!

While I was at the meeting tonight I was social, smiling and talking. I started chatting with the nice lady next to me. I found myself sharing part of my story. I had tears as always but I was lifted by another new person in my life. You see our girls have been friends for a while and she is an Occupational Therapist. This is a small town and I think I am glad I live here. There are so many people who have held me up with a support system you wouldn't get anywhere else. It is amazing because we even talked about religion and the Augustine Sabbatical. A point in a person's religious life where you take a break to regroup and then come back as a changed person. I think I'm there right now. I haven't lost my beliefs or spiritual faith but I'm at a crossroads in my life. Along came God handing me more guidance as I ask for daily.

I started my day out wondering who stole my starter for my body engine and now here I am, once again, another step in my journey to living forward. I guess if this is where my path is taking me then I guess I will keep accepting my journey as it is presented. I'm not afraid of what life has to offer. I'm ready to keep going until I can join my life on the other plane. I know it isn't my time just a thought that enters my mind from time to time. Tomorrow is a new day and I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to a day of lots of smiles. Maybe those smiles can be more then just the few moments that have been real. Maybe one day I can have more then one person I talk to without thinking about Scott. Right now I'm good with knowing it is a possibility because if I can do that with one person why can't I keep learning to be different then I was two weeks ago? In God all things are possible! Surround me with your light and love, guide me, protect me and show me the way.

Now if I can ever find a way to sleep! Anyone have any suggestions because I'd sure like to know a secret for sleep that doesn't include meds. I'd like to sleep longer then 2 hours at a time. I've done it once and well I must say it was worth it with the dreams but well sleeping once a year isn't enough! So let's see what I can do in all my extra time I have not sleeping!!! I keep going not just for Scott but for myself. I know I have it in me to being this new person. If I didn't I wouldn't have taken so many steps living forward.

Grab a Smile

"Because humor brings us back to earth, it helps us to use it well what is left to us even when we are keenly aware of what we have lost or been denied. Only those who know how to weep can also laugh heartily." -Kathleen R. Fischer

I know how strange this seems but is it so very true. In the first few months of grief laughing always brought tears of sadness but as time has passed I find myself looking for ways to laugh. I think it is a treasure and gift to laugh. It has been in my moments of joyous memory that I remember the laughter we shared. I love to continue to share the laughter with others. Scott would laugh at me and most often he would be making me laugh. I can hear the song from the Jungle Book and see him dancing so many ways. I can see him flirting with my friends at WDW. Sheryl swooning over his cute little Texas twang and MJ finding her "new" man!

I loved telling him korny jokes and no matter how many times he heard my favorite joke he would laugh, smile and tell me the punch line. I love when other people have stepped into my life and make me smile. I feel his love through other people. I keep saying there are people that have been added to my life that give me hope, love and laughter. Laughter truly is the best medicine. I think that is why I have been able to live forward. Tonight I was doing a load of laundry. I had hung one of Scott's sweatshirts over the door to dry about a month ago. When I took it down I hit myself in the head with the sleeve and inside was the measuring lid. I just started laughing. I could hear him giving me grief for not hanging up the clothes. I'm still smiling as silly as the moment was.

Just don't ask me to share my favorite joke or Hannah may grown loudly! She gets so upset when I tell the same one over and over. I just love the punchline and well who doesn't love a good pun every now and then. I am certainly better at laughing then making others laugh. Thank you to all of you who keep me full of hope with laughter! I love to smile and Scott always said it was my smile that caught his eye after he looked up! He's not the first nor will he be the last to tell me that! I just keep smiling and sometimes the smile is real and the laughter from the heart!

A Year Passes

Today it has been one year since I laid my head on Scott's coffin wishing I could change it all. I kissed him goodbye for the last time and I have learned to live forward. I'm not always very good at it but for better or worse here I am. I don't regret my life or the choices I have made. I do, however, miss my love. I know he is here with me in my heart, my memories and the life I continue to live forward.

It seems fitting to pay the last payment on our Alaskan cruise today of all days. It will be a part of my bucket list for our life that didn't get to be long together. We were meant to love. It is with that love I have been able to live forward. I have a strength and courage to keep taking the steps each day. My journey living forward will continue past this first year into the rest of my life. It has formed the me that has become different then I was last year on this day. I think I would have climbed in next to him and asked to be lowered into the ground with him but I knew that wasn't an option.

Scott's headstone was placed a week ago. It isn't just his headstone but it  is also mine. I know many think I am too young to make that decision. I am tired of hearing that I will find someone to share my life. I may or may not make that next step but it will mean my heart is ready to find that next step. Scott is a part of who I am forever. Our love has given me the strength to grow and change in this year. I will continue to ask to be surrounded by light and love, to guide me, protect me and show me the way.

Today I was surrounded by friends being the person Scott knows I can be. I will keep walking forward into my new life and my new self. I have a life that is worth living not just for Hannah but for myself. There seem to be other things I have to do in my life. I have more steps to make and places to be. I can make it there. I will make it there! I am ready to spread my wings and keep trying new things. So I guess my next adventure will be a journey of a lifetime. One of many I know I will take! My bucket list has many adventures planned and who knows where I will be as this next year passes!

Spritual Healing

If you get tired of staring at something long enough you finally do something about it! Or just you keep walking around it like it doesn't exist and hope someone else will do something about it. To bad I'm a type A personality and if I can't close a door on it for out of sight out of mind I will eventually take care of the issue. It's the palm trees. They used to be my pride and joy. Scott and I used to fight over who got to trim them. Well we all know he won that battle last year and this year I've been just hoping they would fall over and die.

The palm leaves are dead but for some reason they stay attached to the tree and come off in bits and pieces! The problem is where they land! The swimming pool. So I end up with fits of anger over something that I could just take care of the problem instead of acting like it doesn't exist. It is really more frustrating to fish the leaves out of the pool and the Polaris then to just get out the clippers. Now I have to brave the dangers of the gigantic thorns on the palm leaves but I think the pain might help me.

It is dark outside now but at sunset I went out and was trying to get the Polaris to sweep up all the dirt off the bottom of the pool but the palms were stuck in the bag and it wasn't doing it's job. I am in no way shape or form dressed to do yard work. I'm looking all cute in my summer top but I decide to take out my aggression on the trees. It's not like I have Scott to fight with anymore. It never lasted long but making up was the best part! I can't take out my frustration on Hannah, even though I'm sure she thinks I do all the time. I did the next best thing I snipped, sliced and scalped the palm trees. Two of the five anyway. I feel better emotionally. My arm aren't happy with me but in a way I do believe it was another step in my choice to live forward.

I know there will be a day when I won't be able to do physical yard work as a therapeutic intervention. I guess at that point I will have to learn new coping mechanisms but it sure was nice to deal with my frustrations about a few trees. It is a new season and I can't stop the world from spinning and I can't stop the trees from growing. I guess I could have them taken out but that isn't something Scott would have wanted and I know Mike would be just as upset with me because he planted the darn things in the first place. I love my secret world in the backyard by the pool. It does give me a place to reflect and grow.

Those who are lucky enough to be invited back here can hopefully feel the peace and love that radiates from the creations that may be of my placement but God's hands. His love is under every tree, flower of every rose, thorn of every palm. Nature is a very powerful gift and I'm glad I have a place to reflect on my own emotions and listen to the messages during quiet times in God's arms. My frustration didn't last long because I took a step to keep living forward. I am at peace again. My left arm and shoulder may think otherwise right now but in the end it is my spirit and soul that will grow beyond my physical limitations!

A Curve in the Road

Today I was crying one moment and angry the next. I had no control over my emotions even with medicines. I did the best I could do and stayed out of other people's way. I hid in my office with poor Rhonda. I'm so thankful she is with me all day. She does more for me then I deserve most days.  I didn't have the best day but you know what I got through it. I have done really well this week but well today just not so great. I finally left a bit early.

I have been dealing with a tire that goes slowly flat so I finally went to the Honda dealer and got it fixed. I had a small nail and they fixed it for me for free. It was a good part of my day. It is horribly sad that I need a pick me up from the service department. I'm really thinking a bottle of wine at 10 am would have been a good thing. Too bad it's not really my thing. Too bad over medicating myself isn't my thing either. I thinkj I could have used a day of covering my emotions up.

I left the dealership and I drove. I drove hard and fast. I drove with the music blaring. I drove to a place I haven't been in a year. I drove to the curve in the dirt road and walked and cried and screamed and sobbed. I was standing in the road staring at marks that you can still see in the side of the hill. I finally looked, took a real long look at where he was. I don't remember that day. I don't remember anything about standing out there. I only remember the truck. The white truck, seeing the white truck. That is my only memory. I don't remember anything else.

I stood there looking at trees, an electric pole, a fence line and a little rise at the top of the hill. I couldn't even see the pond. I stood there crying, kicking rocks and dealing with my own emotions. You see I took another leap. I stepped outside of my box once again to deal with myself. I faced that $#@%$!# curve in the road. As I stood there crying when two beautiful butterflies that are out of season floated by on the breeze. The tears just kept coming. I stood there and a woman came walking up with a horse. She asked me if I was okay and if I needed anything. I needed to face that spot but Scott didn't want me out there alone. I was there for about an hour. I still don't understand how or why but I faced the curve in the road.

I left the spot. I drove home and my email dings. I stop and answer. It is a good thing. It grounded me again in my now life. I made it home put on my pj's and had a few moments on the phone with a friend who doesn't even know how much an innocent phone conversation cheered me up. To talk about our teens and laugh, flirt and smile. I made it today to the curve in the road on my own. I made it around the curve in the road and handled myself with friends and a stranger's hug! Life is one very powerful situation and I am able to conquer because I have so many wonderful things to keep going for. I really have changed. I really am a different person.

Live Like You're Dying

Apparently my new self is unable to sit still and veg in front of the television for long periods of time. I have all these things floating around in my head that I want to do but yet here I am sitting in front of the TV with the DVR watching. I think I need to keep going and explore outside that realm a bit more! That is a really good thing for me. Now can I find something spontaneous to do! I'm not sure that 9 is a good time to do anything spontaneous. I'm getting old if I can't keep my eyes open.

My thoughts tonight are about what would I regret not doing if it was my turn to go. I'm still thinking so I can't expound but if I give others food for thought then good. Why haven't you done what you wish you would have done? I have lots of different options but some of them are now impossible. I do know I don't feel like I have a heavy brick on my heart anymore. I know I can live like I'm dying. I'm working on that bucket list!

I want to have more of life's ah ha moments. I want to keep stepping out of this box even if it is just in my imagination. I can keep working on this new life of my own. I can enjoy not just a run of the mill boring evening. I can wander and wonder at the marvels around me. So what would you be doing if you were actually living like you were dying? Is there someone you'd apologize to? Someplace you'd like to go? A hand you'd like to hold or a kiss to give? Learn a language? What's on that bucket list? Take a leap of faith and "Just Do It!"

My Life

"No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change." ~Barbara de Angelis


I didn't blog last night. I slept instead. I must have been in great need because I fell asleep at 7:30pm and awoke at 4:30am! I checked my email, played a game and then laid in bed thinking until it was time for H to get on the bus. My mind is more at peace.  I know I am a very different person after this past weekend.
 
I can't explain all of the details in one quick blog but I know I am in charge of my own happiness. I have always know that but it has been something that I have struggled with for a very long time. I am at a place in my life that isn't where I wanted to be a year ago but I have come to an understanding within myself.  I am actually proud of myself for the first time EVER! I can do and be whatever I want to be. Right now that is first and foremost a fantastic Mom or as H says when she is mad at me "MOTHER!"
 
I now know how to follow the path I have been given. Today has been one year since I sat on the ground on a dirt road pulling wild onions, praying for a different outcome. I watched as they slowly pulled his truck out of the pond and I knew instantly that he was there. I knew I had done what I had prayed for all those many hours. I prayed to find him. Now I know he is with me always that we had what some only dream - love. I am okay with where I am in my life. I am confident in the path I am on today at this moment in time.
 
I really am different! I am in control of my life and the how I conquer the obstacles I have been given. I know the grief will always be there but it is and always will be up to me to stand up and fight for me. I have never needed somebody else but it sure was nice to have a partner by my side. I am good with who I am at this moment in time. I know I have all the possibilities and my heart is open. I was hurt in the most horrible way possible but it doesn't mean I have to never feel again. I will do what is right on my continued journey living forward. I have love left to give to all my family and friends. I wouldn't have been able to make it this far without you and I will continue to need you in my life!
 
Today Rhonda and I toasted a very special man, the best Father, Friend and Love a person can know with a burger from Dubl-R! Scott is proud of who I was and who I have become. I will always love him and the life we shared. He never doubted but always encouraged me. I know have to keep those feeling open for myself. I am happy with the life I have been given. I can step outside of this box and continue to learn, love and grow! So here's "To Life!" My Life!

I Won't Let Go - Unstoppable

"It's like a storm
That cuts a path
It’s breaks your will
It feels like that

You think your lost
But your not lost on your own
Your not alone
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
If you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go \

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do

 And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight

And I won't let you fall
Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I wont let you down
It wont get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go
Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I won't let go
Wont let you go
No I won't"  - Rascal Flatts song "I Won't Let You Go"

I arrived back to Texas soil and turned on the car. I have satellite radio and this song comes on. I know in my heart I have him to lean on. It is a different feeling but he won't let me fall. He will always be there to protect me and help me find new happiness. Today I feel stronger. I can't explain it with words but I have reached a point that I feel the power in my heart. I know I will have moments that I will still battle but today I feel surrounded with love.

When I pulled onto my street the song that popped up on the radio was once again Rascal Flatts "Unstoppable." I am loved forever. I know this because I will always be surrounded with "It's okay! I LOVE YOU!" I am forever loved not just by Scott but God and so many others who hold me upright each day of my journey of living forward.

Tangled

I know I have once again evolved and changed. Not because of something that happened to me but because I choose to make a change. Today I had a beautiful day with an old friend and a new friend. I flirted, smiled and laughed with our tour bus driver. I am happy and sad today all at the same time. I heard a funny that reminded me of a friend. I sat at dinner with tears in my eyes. I laughed. I lived! I am so much more then I was a year ago. I am me! I have the strength to live a life that wasn't one that I choose for myself.

I think about Scott nonstop but it doesn't keep me from living. I miss my daughter horribly but I haven't lost her. I love the power of technology. I can send her crazy pictures all day long and feel her love always. I know that my life is for her but also for me. I have found inside myself the thing I have been searching for all year. The power to live for myself! I have lived for everyone else. I have held myself together for everyone else. I have crumbled but pulled myself together for everyone else. I needed to figure out how to live for me.

Scott and I had our last date tonight one year ago. We went to the grocery store! We kissed and laughed and loved all in the HEB. We held hands and enjoyed every moment. I can still see him standing with me in the produce aisle! I can still see him standing with me in the laundry detergent aisle. I can feel him walking up behind me touching me and hugging me. I will forever be in those memories. I know there will never be a day that will go by without a thought of him. That, however, has taught me how to live for myself.

I have done so many things in three days that I have not done in an entire 40+ years of living! I'm not saying it has been easy! Not by far! I'm know the rest of whatever my life holds will be good and bad but I CAN SURVIVE! Even when I want to leave and hide! I am not saying I will ever be healed. I will always have the baggage of my life with me. I am saying that the load is mine to bear not alone but with the love of GOD who has given me so much in my life. Most importantly my daughter! I also have a system of family and friends that amazes me daily. I do have a life that is mine.

I knew we all have people we look at and wish we could be them or have the things they have. I don't! I have looked at the homes and admired the history but I don't want to be the people in them. I don't want to learn how to be anyone else because we all have our own struggles and battles to be the best we can be. I want to be surrounded by light and love. I have the power to keep that feeling alive and share it.

Tonight we watched the movie Tangled. It is certainly a new variation of the old story. The Princess was strong and found where she was to be. She found the life she wanted. The fairytale that isn't fair is she had the power to bring back her love. She had the ability to live the life she wanted. This is the story we all want when we lose someone we love! We all want the power to keep them with us forever. The true power is finding the strength to live after they have moved to another plane. Scott is with me always because he loves me to infinity and beyond. His love has given me the power to find how to live for myself.

April 4 will never be the same but I have the power to ask God to be surrounded by His light and love, guide me, protect me and show me the way. The path I have been given is part of my soul. I take my memories and live for myself. If others join me along the way (friends, family or another to love) then I welcome them with open arms but you get me warts and all. I  am the Princess that has broken out of her shell to conquer her fears of living!

Power to Survive

I have learned something about myself today. I spent four hours outside my comfort zone. I went somewhere without plans and walked around amongst total strangers without someone close by that I knew. I had lunch by myself. I took pictures and marveled at the wonders around me! I have led a very sheltered and protected life. I have panic attacks thinking about doing new things.  Today I survived and enjoyed myself. Small steps are best. I haven't gone some where yet that is completely unfamiliar without help. I am with a friend and knew I had an anchor if I needed it! I didn't need it! I am truly a homebody but now maybe I can find a spot to really disappear and not be afraid of  my own shadow.

I don't know if it will ever mean I will be able to move alone. If I will be able to move past that spot. Once I've done something once I'm generally good and can manage to go alone. It certainly is more fun to do things with someone else in your life though. I know I still have Hannah and we make great travel buddies. I was told yesterday that the next step my friend is afraid for me is when Hannah goes to college. She thinks I will be stuck again and be frozen in a life that I live because it is comfortable. I'm trying to learn how to get out of that zone before it is time for Hannah to go to college. I explored a large downtown city area on my own and I'm still alive! I'm still breathing and I had fun!

Tonight we drove to see another friend about 90 minutes from where where are. Joe has been a constant support and I got to meet his lovely wife Cathy for the first time! I went to dinner with two other couples and I didn't feel alone, I felt so much love from my friends. There is something wonderful about a kiss and a hug.  I didn't feel as if I was missing out on not being a couple. I still miss Scott but I know he loves me. I know the answer for the question "What does Scott want you to do?" Scott wants me to keep living. I can tell you that I am trying! I will keep trying.

I am working on being me. I have taken the dare and I think I have proven I have some power inside myself just as Margaret Brown "The Unsinkable Molly Brown" proved not just in surviving the sinking of the Titanic but in her lifelong support of the underdog in all areas of her life. I may not be the first woman to get a driver's license in the City of Denver. I may not fight for the rights of women to vote! I may not be a survivor of the sinking of the Titanic. I am, however, showing the world I can survive and come out the other side stronger then I was before. I did lose the man I love but I am surviving because I know I haven't lost the memories of the love. It will do me no good to ignore the next days because they keep coming. They have meaning but I think the focus on his love is more important then the actual loss itself. I have a purpose and I will find the place I am supposed to be surrounded by light and love, with protection and guidance to show me the way. My communication with God will not just be about what I need but taking the time to listen for the answers on my journey.

Dared to Step Out of My Box!

I am safe and I am in the place I'm supposed to be!  I am surrounded my light and love and I will find my way with continued guidance, protection and a lot of hand holding. I am doing exactly what I should be doing and that is being happy. Scott always made me promise that I would never sit at his grave and cry if something happened to him first. I am supposed to be living but I know he is here with me and he has sent some people into my life who I know have reason yet unknown.

I am out of my safety net. I have done something so completely and totally out of character for me! I have done something spontaneously and I think I'm glad I did. I kept thinking I would be best just to hang out alone at the house but yesterday - THURSDAY I bought a plane ticket for today - FRIDAY! I got on a plane tonight as a spur of the moment crazy idea. You ALL know I'm an OCD when it comes to planning and organizing. If I can't do something right I just won't do it at all!

I feel the love and support and NO I am not (second out of character) in DisneyWorld! Even though it was really funny when everyone thought I was! An unintentional April Fool's joke! I think I've been challenged by a friend to step outside of my comfort zone! I won't go into details but if it is true I think I may have double dare on that one! I feel alive and it has nothing to do with the fact I know how to work my anxiety meds now! 

Tomorrow I will do EVEN more things that will change me forever. I am a new person and I am a survivor. I don't have to understand it all but I am following our house rule! You MUST try something (except if it will lead to death) at least once. If you don't like it you don't have to do it again! So if you ask me about my crazy eating habits that means I have tried it and don't like it so I'm not doing it again. I do have somethings on my list that I want to try that are out of my comfort zone. There is almost nothing in this world that I can't survive after living this year of firsts! Now I'm off to try some more year of firsts that are happy! Although I don't think picking up a strange man in a bar after drinking tequila is on that list! Just fair warning! I think that might lead to death!