Mail

Today the mail was all for Scott. How can mail hurt so much? One piece I need to deal with but the rest of it is junk. I'm glad I can toss the junk mail because I'd be buried under it all. It is just another reminder of a life that touched so many but everyday he was with me. I'm sad yes. I have thoughts that are up and down but I don't act on them. The only thing is all this horrible stress is messing with my physical abilities.

After this past weekend I feel calmer. Not sleeping but calmer. My friends took care of me and provided me with support. I know he is gone physically but I felt him knowing that he still loves me and would do anything that would make me happy. I know I won't be sad forever. I'm not sad all the time. I have moments of laughter that isn't painful. I'm just trying to understand how to keep living forward and what to do without the man I love.

Love has so many different forms. It can be the love for your friends, your animals, your children, and your parents. The love for your partner is such a different feeling. The day to day activities that connect you. The support, the hugs, holding hands, fights and making up are all part of sharing your life. I'm becoming such an introvert. How do I risk life again? I smile and I'm polite but it is very hard for me to initiate conversation with others. I know I have issues getting all my words out in the right way when my MS is acting up but the pain is all compounding those problems.

I am making progress. I am understanding everything but it does hurt. Someday I will learn how to be happy again in longer periods of time. I know the times are longer then they were 12 weeks ago. I miss him and I know he was a huge part of my life but I am trying to find who I am in this mess. Our connection is based on love that can never be broken. So as I sort through the mail, I smile and know his life was with me and his love will always be with me.

I have learned

I have learned...

1- stress is my enemy
2- I don't know who I am but I'm trying
3- I can't do it all
4- I'm a nice person who has had horrible things happen in my life.
5- I have to survive.

I learned number five because I know Scott watched Laynie and I fight for our lives. He begged God to take him instead while we were both sick. He loved us that much. I still remember the look on his face when I woke up in ICU. His look was of pure pain at the thought of loosing me. I'm not the stronger one of us but I don't have a choice right now. Anxiety attacks, panic attacks, fear, anger all cause my MS to flare up. I have to find a place in my heart and mind to combat this time in my life.

I have moments of quiet. Moments of peace and they are getting larger but this time has not been one of them. I think the pain in my life is causing me horrible psychological problems. I'm trying but at times I'm not succeeding to walk through this pain. Not without help. I need to find peace and how to get through this time. I have learned that there are really wonderful people in my life and then some that need to face their own demons before they judge others.

I pray for God to help me find the peace to live my life forward. I pray for God to help me to the place I'm supposed to live without fear and anxiety. I want to be happy again. It isn't today and it certainly hasn't been the last 12 weeks but I do find myself having moments of smiling and helping others. I'm not a bad person. I have a disability that I work through each day and apparently I have added the psychological trauma of loosing my love. I'm trying to learn how to cope but it is not possible to do on my own.

I really shouldn't be alone but I have no place to go right this minute. I will continue with my counselor and lean on my friends and family. I will send my needs to God and be open to my faith. When I forget to pray I am overcome with it all. Scott is in God's love and through that continues to love me. Scott's life had meaning and joy. He shared that with me. It is very hard to be courageous and strong but I'm not giving up even when I want to. I have to stop and find my ability to breathe so that I can live forward.

I have learned I can't do it all and others can't dictate how I should be feeling. My true friends are here with open arms. Thank you to all of you who reach for me even if we are far apart. I will make my way forward each day at a time but on a bad day it is okay for me to stop and find my center of balance again. If I don't I will be gone and just living in a shell of a body with very little spirit or desire.

Pictures

Just got done looking at pictures I've never seen of Scott and I in WDW. It wasn't easy but I know just from the pictures how much love we share. I miss my partner in life. I'm mentally and physically drained but still getting out of bed each day.

Tonight is a thoughtful night. I'm not exactly sure where I am with all of this other then I've made it another day. I do know the place I'm going to be in for the time has to be one of less stress. My physical self is loosing too much. The dpression is deep and the panic attacks can be overwhelming. I know what I must do to conquer each day.

I am finding my way at my pace. There are so many people I can count on. People who aren't always next to me in person but are there on spirit. I let their love and positive thoughts continue to support me. I will make it through the rest of this day because that is all that matters. I live forward one day at a time and one second at a time. It isn't about time. It is about my soul and spirit finding peace and acceptance of the events I can't control. The life that I had is no more but the love will never die.

Our Day

Today is OUR day. The day Scott and I chose to celebrate with our friends and family our love. The date was picked to join us through our birthdays. It will always be our day. I see it all. I see us all. Not just Scott and I but all of the people we loved in our lives.

I have walked through today with friends who have held me up. They were supposed to be there to hold me up in my joy but they got my sorrow. You can't replace friends who have done the things for me that they have. I know I am only standing because of them. I still don't know what the plan for my life is to be but I know I have to hand it to GOD and my angels to provide for me. I ask for guidance and love to light my path. I hand over my worries and fears and know I will walk this road. I will not be alone. I have not been alone through this tragedy.

There is comfort in taking this to the light of love I am surrounded in. I choose to not be a victim to those in life who try to hurt me. I choose to embrace those who love me even in my new self. I may not know who I am to be but they will help me find my path. I may not like my life right now and it has been full of ongoing changes but I will continue to be in the place I need to be. I will be taking it one day at a time.

Today will always be our day. My dress stays in the closet and Scott went to his final resting place in the clothes we picked out laughing and lovingly for him. I know that sign says "employee of the month!" my love. I feel him whispering his love and holding me close. He will always love me and I will always love him. My heart will be forever changed because we found each other. He may be physically gone but he is never far because he always calls me "my heart!" as he wraps his spiritual arms around me. There are things only he and I know. Secrets that are in my heart for the two of us.

Where I belong?

Today was to be... stressful, beautiful and fun. Tonight Scott was insisting we were staying together that we belonged together. In my brain we have done the day together the way it was planned. My beautiful Hannah has her what ifs. I know she is being cared for better then I could do this weekend. I hate that I am struggling with my emotions. I have good moments and bad moments.

I don't know what I am or where I am supposed to be. I miss the love of my life. I miss the things were had planned. I don't really care that my life is supposed to have another meaning. I want him back. This sucks. The pain isn't nice. I have so many things in my head. I love him. I need him but I know he will never hold me in his arms again. I know he is here. I know I am the love of his life. I know he will give me infinity and beyond. Someday!

Right now I continue to work through the worst pain ever. I know there are people in this world who are cruel and stupid. I choose to give these people no power and find the place where I belong. It is sometimes easier said then done but I am in charge of me. How I make someone feel well anyway. I have to get the worries out of my head and know I will conquer so many things.

Today I am thankful for the life Scott and I shared. The memories we created, the planning we did to get to these days were important to Scott. He was a giggly bride! He picked out flowers. He didn't care who knew. He picked out cake. The day we tasted cake - need I say more! It's Scott. The man could eat and never gain, except he had gained. He was happy. He made a point everyday of telling me how much he loved me and that I made him happier then he ever had been. The life he wanted was with me.

Yesterday we walked around the grocery store here. It's easy when it isn't my own store. We were walking down the cookie aisle and his favorite cookies were there in abundance. At our house they were hard to find. He is in everything and everywhere. I can't change that! I don't want to change that! I won't change that! It is helping me face my grief processes.

So tonight my love I will be in your arms just where you wanted me to be. You are here. You surround me with love always and forever. The power of love will continue to infinity and beyond. We got our physical days together in too short of time but we will get our forever. I love you.

Lead and I follow

Everything that happens to you is your teacher. The secret is to learn to sit at the feet of your own life and be taught by it. -Polly Berends


Yes I am learning. I am learning I have to make my life a different place. I'm am forever changed by my relationship with Scott and by the loss of his physical vessel. I am calm today after a night of no sleep. I tried but with and early morning call and a fantastic space that he would have enjoyed in the king suite. It was perfect but lonely. I got to the airport for a beautiful sunrise. I know I flew but I was asleep before the plane took off. I never sleep on a plane but I did today.

Walking off the plane and finding my friends to support me through this weekend in a new place that I've never been. I had tears - lots of tears but I know I can be lead and I will follow. He is here with me. I know he is here. I haven't listened to the radio but darn it if the TV doesn't have my favorite show in FIJI. I've changed the channel before when I can't watch but tonight I can watch.

I'm having a beautiful time and will make it but I will figure out all the changes for myself and what I need to reduce the stress. This weekend I will follow and be loved in person. I will make it forward but it is nice to pause in my life for the moment to figure out what I can do to continue to live forward.

Tonight

Today has been what I could say is crap. I won't go into the details but change seems to be everywhere. I have to progress in my grief. This week was supposed to be one of the happiest times in my life but well we all know what happened.

The only thing with this week is that I'm not in shock anymore. I have to face everything head on and not have the coping mechanism. So in this time I have learned the people I can really count on. Surprisingly it isn't all the ones I would have expected but I am facing that change. I will face everything eventually but at 11.5 weeks and "wedding" weekend I would really like someone to explain what they THINK I should be feeling because I can't say it wouldn't work because every person who is making it through this process has there own feelings. If you have never done this don't tell me how to act and feel. I am doing it ALL but I refuse to stop feeling because if I ignore the bad stuff it doesn't go away it just gets stronger and I know I would snap.

Tonight I have the joy of feeling Scott's love once again. When I need him this overwhelming feeling of warmth enfolds me as if I am receiving a hug of love. Tonight I made a call to a person who is only an acquaintace and simply asked for his prayers. It wasn't a long call it wasn't meant to be but I need the power of prayer this week as I face the fact head on that the love of my life is only here in the afterlife. I have true friends who I can count upon and for them I hope they know the power of my love.

Doing

I'm still just trying to get through today. I'm exhausted and I'm tired of my thoughts. I'm tired of being. I'm not really functioning. I'm don't know who I am. The thoughts of me are not so much fun anymore. When I choose to be alone I was good but I didn't chose this. Nobody would choose this. When you divorce or break up or change your life on your own there is still grief but I had the life that was mine. We weren't perfect but he was perfect for me.

I am not the only person to loose a spouse. Not even at this moment in time. People die it is the circle of life but insert curse word here it could have happened a lot later in our life together. I'm certain I'm nowhere near a possible healing. I have decided that I will never be healed I just have to live with the wound in my heart.

I've been doing things on my own. Hannah is very helpful but I've been doing things he would always come take over if I was trying to do things for myself. I've sprayed weeds, I've sprayed bug spray, I clean out the pool, took out the garbage. My Dad taught me things and life skills as far as basic repairs and taught me how to use tools! Scott was so funny because he would be trying to do things and end up calling for help or asking a bunch of questions at the home improvement store. When we were putting up the fence we worked together but he'd get so mad if I would go outside and work on it without him. I miss him so very much. Now if I can bring myself to spread the season long fire ant stuff he bought in the hours before he disappeared.

Tonight when I was in the garage I found a pair of his socks he had worn while doing the weed eating on "that" weekend. He'd taken them off because they were all grassy. I brought them in. I didn't throw myself on the ground and cry. I'm sure I will wash them and put them away in his drawer. I miss doing all those things together. All the chores that are part of daily life. I miss cooking for him. I miss fixing the computer for him and programming his iPod. I miss the sports conversations and the bath time chats. Most of all I miss cuddling next to him every night and talking. I still talk to him but that physical touch is so missing.

Fantasy

Every fantasy, every dream was to come true this week. I'm having a very hard time today not thinking about what I should be doing this week. Last minute details, things that shouldn't be in my house that are. My wedding dress has never been worn! Literally it has never even been tried on. I had it picked up and was waiting for the fittings to begin. I didn't even get to schedule them. My craft room is full of plates, cups, silverware that we picked out together in the party store. The trip to IKEA to pick up the lanterns for the table decorations. I can't do it. I can't keep the tears back.

The formal "see I love this woman with all my heart" was his idea. Last summer I wanted to get married in Hawaii. I had it all planned. All the details. He wanted the castle. I went along with him because he had amazing reasons to want to share that with everyone. We sat on the beach in South Padre on my birthday under the full moon talking about all the reasons we were married already that the castle was just the icing on the cake. What happened to the rest of my life? I'm really trying to put one foot in front of the other and make it into a place of peace.

Not any offense to my amazing friends but I want my fantasy back. I will embrace the love my friends give me and try to continue making it to where I can live without so much pain.

I found this today looking for comfort one of the books I found in Grandma's stuff this weekend, "The Angelspeake Book of Prayer and Healing"

You never have to explain.
You are doing the best you know how to do today.
You do not have to justify.
You are doing the best you know how to do today.
You do not have to defend.
You made your decision with the best information you had at the time and ...
you are doing the best you know how to do today.

I am doing the best I can I can do today. I need to find the place of peace in a loss that has ripped my heart out of my body. I still have love for others but Scott was my other half. If I figure out how to be happy someday with another it will be a gift from above. I'm not asking for that. I'm not looking for that but I will find hope and peace in my life on this physical plane as me. I only know that I need to continue the process of bereavement. This week is like loosing him all over again. I have to fight the days that seem so backward but I'm doing the best I know how today that is all that matters - TODAY.

Letter to Friends and Family

I found this on a Young Widow Forum it fits...

To My Friend

I have lost the one I love, the one I cherish. My lover, my best friend, my whole life.
Either you have stumbled across this because you want to find out how to help me,
or I have given this to you.

How I am Feeling
• I am numb. I am in shock. I am emotionally exhausted.
• I am in pain. A horrible, gut-wrenching, intense, unimaginable, and indescribable pain.
• My mind is totally occupied with processing my loss. I am trying to understand what has
happened. I am attempting to make sense of it all. I am trying to comprehend the incomprehensible.
• I can't sleep. I want to sleep all day. I am physically exhausted.
• I can't eat. I can't stop eating.
• I can't be bothered cooking. I can't be bothered cleaning. I don't want to go shopping.
• Everything is overwhelming. Small tasks are overwhelming. Small details are overwhelming.
I just don't want to know about it right now.
• Nothing sticks in my mind. I walk out the door without my keys. I forget what I was going to do.
I forget everything except that my love has gone.
• I am going through tidal waves of emotion. One minute I might be laughing, the next I may be
in tears.
• Sometimes I want to talk. Sometimes I need to be alone. Sometimes I need silent company.
Sometimes I need all of these things in the space of 5 minutes.
• Some days I just want to curl up in bed and do nothing. Some days I will keep myself totally
occupied in an attempt to escape.
• Sometimes I will be intense. Sometimes I will be irrational. Sometimes I will be snappy, and
often I will be totally lost in myself.
• Often I may not have a clue as to what I want, but it only takes a moment for me to realize
what I don't want.
• I am hypersensitive and will often be offended by things you say to try and make me feel better.
• I want to wail. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to just sit.
• I have no choice how I react. This is coming from deep inside me and intelligence and self
control have no effect. It comes from the basal self.
• Sometimes it so hard for me to respond to phone calls or letters or emails, but I truly appreciate
that you are doing it, so please don't stop just because I don't respond.
• I will not be fully-functional at work for a long time. In fact, I may never work with the same
intensity again as my perspectives of what is important and what isn't has been changed permanently.
• I still want to laugh. I need to laugh. I may suddenly go quiet mid-laugh, when hit by a sudden
reminder, but I desperately need to continue to laugh.

Emotional Things You Can Do
• Let me talk about him/her. I want to talk about our love. I want to tell you how we met, our last
days, and everything in between. I want to show you his/her picture, tell you how wonderful (s)he was.
• Let me cry. Your acceptance that I need to cry and your permission to allow me to is one of the
best gifts you can give me. Hand me a tissue, and do your best to sit quietly and let me cry.
• Once you have allowed me to open up or cry, please don't change the subject or try to stop me.
I know you feel uncomfortable that I am in pain. Don't. Changing the subject, trying to stop me
crying just makes me hold everything inside, and eats away at me.
• Tell me all your stories of when my love was sweet, courageous, rotten or funny. I need to hear
everything about him/her. If you don't know many, find out some from those who are too scared to
approach me now.
• Let me try to tell you what is going on inside me. I won't succeed, but I need to try. You don't have
to do anything. Just allowing me to do it, and allowing me to feel what I need to feel means so much.
• It is really hard for me to tell other people about my loss. I'm working full time to deal with my
emotions. Trying to deal with someone else's reaction or discomfort is the last thing I need, so if
someone needs to know it would be good if you could explain it to them.

What Not To Do
• Don't tell me you understand how I feel, or that you can imagine the pain I am going through,
unless you have lost the love of your life. Trust me, you can't. If I can't, and I am going through it,
trust me, you can't – your mind will just not let you voluntarily imagine this much pain.
• Don't try to compare my loss to the loss of a parent, or a friend, or an acquaintance or pet, it's
not the same. I understand that all of these things are painful, but it is not the same.
• Don't ask how I'm doing unless you really want to know. I am assuming that as you know, and
as you have asked, you truly want to know.
• Don't try to save me from my feelings or make me feel better. I know you can't bear to see me
in so much pain, but I need to go through all of these feelings whether I want to or not.
• Once you have "given me permission" to talk or cry, please don't try and distract me with small
talk. I know it makes you feel better if I appear happy, but my pain is ever-present and it makes
me feel like you don't care.
• Don't tell me everything will be okay.
• Don't tell me "(s)he's always with you".
• Don't tell me "(s)he's no longer in pain".
• Don't tell me "(s)he's looking down on you from heaven".
• Don't tell me "you're lucky that you had such love, some people don't".
• Don't tell me "(s)he's in a better place".
• Don't however be surprised however if I say these things…
• Don't ever tell me "you must be strong". If ever there's a time I should be permitted to be weak,
this is it. What's more, if I only "need to talk" to you once every few weeks, chances are I have
been strong and right now I really need you to understand that I am exhausted and need help.
• Whatever you do don't tell me "If I were you I'd…." Until you are in the same situation, you
have absolutely no idea what you will do. Your logical brain has absolutely no control.
• Never try telling me "life goes on", or "(s)he wouldn't want you to cry", or "God will never give
you more than you can handle" or any other meaningless platitudes.
• Don't try to solve my "problem". Unless you can bring him/her back, it can't be "solved".
• Don't feel the need to fill in silences. I know the silences are hard for you, but if you can accept
them, you are helping me immensely.
• Please don't try and help me find "closure", or tell me I need to find "closure". Closure is an
obscene word for me right now, as is "moving on"/"move on".

Practical Things You Can Do
I understand that a lot of you find it hard to cope with my emotional pain. Hate to see me
hurting so. If you can't help me emotionally, you can help me practically.
• Don't ask me what you can do to help. I have no idea, I am overwhelmed.
• Bring me some meals that I can just put in the microwave.
• Find out what sort of bread, milk, toilet paper, etc I use and bring me them to me. I have
no idea I need them until I run out, so don't bother asking me if I need anything.
• If you are an organized person offer to manage my bills. Collect the bills as they come in
and let me know when they need to be paid, and make sure I do. Time has no meaning for me
right now. It's only when the cut-off notices come that I realize I need to do something.
• Get copies of photos I don't have from family and friends and put them in an album for me.
It will be one of the most precious gifts you could give me.

Practical Things I Need To Do
• I need to surround myself with beauty.
• Sit in the sun and just soak it up.
• Enjoy nature. Look at the majesty of mountains, and enjoy the miracle of a blade of grass.
• Have a massage.
• Write in a journal.
• Cry when I need to. Tears are a release.
• Not make any big decisions for a while. A big enough life change has already taken place.

Remember
• Grief is an emotional injury that requires time to heal. Not a week, not a month, not even a year,
it takes as long as it takes. It is similar to major physical injury. You may not be able to see the
wounds on the inside, but they are there.
• Real-life is nothing like TV.
• I will not "get over it" - I will learn to live with my loss and incorporate the lessons into my life.
• I will get better over time, but I will never forget him/her. The pain ebbs and flows, but never
goes completely.

Restless

Today I've been very restless. I woke up at 7am and tried to sleep. My dream was very vivid. Scott was there. He was holding me and hugging me and telling me all kinds of things. I tried to stay there in my dream with him but as always I have to wake up. It was beautiful. I will always feel his love.

I laid in bed dozing off and on. I wanted to stay there but I finally got up and took a shower. The water is very comforting. I go there when I'm on overload, physically and emotionally. I laid back down and dozed. I made myself get up and join my parents in the rest of the house. My mother and stepdad are my rock in all of this. It is where I can go even though it is a huge reminder of Scott. My Mom and I talked about grief for a bit. She continues to struggle with all the loses in our family just as I'm sure the rest of us do but Grandma lived with her. The loss of Scott compounds everything for not just me.

I continued to be restless. I couldn't sit still. I couldn't lay still. I couldn't read. Today was the longest day of all of this. I miss my Dad. I miss Scott. Scott loved being Daddy more then anything in this world. He hated that we couldn't have a child together but the girls were ours. We didn't have a choice but we did have a choice in loving each other. He loves Laynie and wanted to be there for all of life's events. He will be there just not how he wanted. I can only keep telling myself that Scott was needed by God for more then what was here on our phyical Earth.

In my Grandmother's things I found a book about Angels. How amazing when I needed it the most. It talks about taking the time to ask for the help you need. The only barrier from most people is feeling worthy of receiving the help. We spend our lives asking for help for others. It is okay to ask and feel worthy of receiving God's love. In my spiritual world God isn't mean and punishing of all things I've done wrong. He is kind and loving but most of all forgiving. He didn't take Scott to punish me. Scott has a higher power of love and the ability to guide.

I spent a great deal of the drive home in reflection. I prayed for a place of peace. When I receive any moments of peace I will always say thank you as I hand my life over for continued guidance because apparently what we had planned isn't where I was supposed to be. Happy Father's Day to all the amazing men in my life past, present and future.

On Hold

I can't tell you how I feel like everything is in limbo. The best laid plans of mice and men. I am trying to live but there are some days I don't know how to do that. I really have gone to a passive place. My decision making skills are significantly limited and any little bit of sensory stimulation sends me into overload. I'm needing things to stay as orderly as possible. I can function in slow with my life but I can't handle anything that is any bit stressful. I guess I am handling the stress of loosing my Love. I'm living forward but anything else is too much.

Last night my parents were sorting through boxes of my Grandmother's stuff to sell at the community garage sale. She had tons of stuff! Boxes of stuff none of us would want to continue to store. Last night there were empty decorative gift boxes in this one box! It has been over a year. I found in that same box a piece of glass etching my Dad had made for my Grandmother that had to be at least 15 years ago. I kept it. Like I need more stuff in my life. As we went through that one box I kept thinking I should go through my own stuff just to make it easier for my family when the time comes. The only thing you can take with you is love. I recognize that. I've always recognized that but that would just be another stress that I'm not up too handling yet. Let me get through some of the crappy emotions and find my balance.

I'm on hold right now. In all of this I'm finding my spirit and deciphering what I'm supposed to learn from my crossroads. I know that I'm forever grateful for the love Scott and I share. That kind of relationship doesn't just happen because you make it happen. Now I have to take the memories and the love I feel for him and deal with the quiet and continue my self reflection. I am growing. I haven't just "made my mind up" to live forward, I wasn't given a choice. How long I'm in my physical life is partially up to me. Feeling the desire to be with Scott and actually doing that are two different ideas. I don't know what the future holds for me. I do know that he wants me to be happy. That was what he wanted in life why would it be different in the afterlife? I am taking the steps to get through all the firsts without him physically by my side but his love I will always know.

Toy Story

Too Infinity and Beyond. Scott's shirt that he had made at DisneyWorld a year ago said it all! "I'm your Hero!" included was a picture of Buzz. It is so funny how things start as a silly thing and then progress to a forever loving gift. My last gift from Scott was on Easter morning. The card attached he signed Love Buzz. He does love me that way, to infinity and beyond. I walk through so many reminders each day. The one thing I do know is how very much he wanted to show our friends and family the joy of our love and that he would do anything for me. It was the same for me. I would do anything for him. We fought windmills for each other.

Today was a day highlighted, circled in red and reserved because of a movie! I know people love the Toy Story series but he was so excited because it was coming out at the time we had selected to share our love. My niece flew in last weekend. Originally it was for the wedding celebration. We were taking Kennedy and Laynie to see the movie. He'd been watching one and two over the last few weeks. I can fond our copy of one but I've torn the house upside down looking for two. It was there I know it was since he died. How does a movie hide? It is really upsetting me not to find our movie. Because of the release of three the merchandise is everywhere. I can't even explain how I have to stop myself from buying all the Buzz stuff. We have tons of it already! Like I said something that started as a joke turned into meaning! But seeing Buzz everywhere is like having Scott around me all the time. We were so funny with the Buzz stuff even Laynie told Scott she had to get a picture with Buzz when she was in Disneyland because that "is you Daddy!". He loved hearing that from her. We always told each other the girls came first. Their needs and loving them was always the priority. That means not just his and hers but they were OURS!

Talking about him is good for me. Tonight Kennedy said "I wish I could see you in your wedding dress and I miss Uncle Scott too!" I just told her, "I miss him too!". My Mom says she has been talking about him a bunch. I'm so very glad he touched her heart. She would call my phone, not to talk to me but to talk to Uncle Scott. She then told me she hoped Laynie wrote him a letter for Fathers Day because he would love that! Wisdom! I take with me the comfort of knowing his love and that he will continue to reach for Laynie, Hannah and I because of his love for our family. Even separated and pulled apart by tragedy will never take away the memories we created and the bonds we formed. This weekend I'm where I was supposed to be. I may not be doing the thongs I was supposed to be doing but that doesn't change the love I have in my heart!

Even More

Lessons. That's right I keep getting them. I've never said I didn't want to keep learning but I've had enough grief in my life. Over my life I've lost Grandma Mary, Grandpa Claude, my Dad, my Grandpa Hilmer, my Uncle, my Aunt, Grandma Ruby, my step grandmother, Earl- my grandfather and now Scott. Four of those were within 10 months of each other this last year. There are others but they are the ones straight out of my brain. I get it I'm not supposed to understand. I lived 15 years of my life grieving the future loss of my Dad, wondering how or if he was going to be there for all those milestones. He made it to most of them. I believe in God and being spiritual. I know Grandma Ruby welcomed Scott with open arms and introduced him to my Dad. I know without a doubt in my heart the power of Love is amazing.

Today I asked for a quiet trauma free day. I worked and stayed in my little world. I made it. I don't like the continued fatigue but I made it. I told my counselor about how my only goal is to get out of bed and when I make it to more then that I'm an overachiever. She agreed that was the best way to handle life right now. I'm working on myself and figuring out who I'm supposed to be.

I had some free time, yes I know I have more then my fair share, so I finally scheduled an appointment to get my hair cut and highlighted again. The last time I was to get my haircut was in April but we didn't make it there. I took the scissors to the my hair the afternoon of Scott's visitation at the funeral home. I don't really care how I look but Scott liked when I felt good about myself. He made me feel good about myself. He would tell me how beautiful I was laying in a hospital bed with tubes all over or when I was all dolled up. I keep trying to do the things he wanted for me to continue living.

My hair stylist asked me how I was and then had to ask why I was so down. I had to tell the entire story. After the zillionth time telling the story I can do it with a few less tears. I still have them but I'm not sobbing. Yup a hairstylist makes a great listener! I also ran into one of Scott's work buddies. Scott talked about Jimmy everyday. He loved teasing and joking with him. He always came home with stories about doing this or that. He said work was so quiet without him there. I had to say I feel the same about our house. There are so very many people who miss him. So many people he loved and touched. I have to believe God and Scott are supporting me through this. I don't know what is beyond life in our human vessel but death is a transition into a more loving place.

Take the time to love. Throw your hurt, anger, jealousy, and pain out into the garbage. Reach out with a kind heart and a gentle touch and it will return to you over and over.

Big 12

The last few days with all the Big 12 issues has had me thinking a lot of Scott's words of wisdom on sports. He talked a bunch about sports and surprisingly I asked relatively intelligent questions. He loved him some Longhorns. He had a head full of sports statistics but all things Longhorns were there. I can hear his comments. My mind has been full of his words. Several times over the years we talked about how the Big 12 was formed. He knew I would sometimes just nod but I did always listen. We had a big family feud when it came time to play Kansas. Not with me but the other Big 12 supporter in the family - my Mother. He liked teasing her but he was such a good sport that he voluntarily bought a KU shirt at the Final Four basketball tourney in San Antonio when we went with Mom and Bob a few years ago. I feel like he is having fun with this turn of events. Now when football season gets here I don't know how to make it through that season.

We rounded each other out. Not just in sports and theater but so many more areas of our lives. I miss teasing him about his Texas twang and good 'ol boy sayings. It is hard to see the stack of books he was working on reading that I had finished. He gave me such a hard time about how fast I read. He would read a book months after I'd finished and then quiz me for comprehension!

I went to grief group tonight. Getting through each day requires ongoing help. I'm not turning it away. Afterwards I had been invited to a friends house for a gathering of what Scott called gaggle party. I made it but I couldn't stay. I quietly snuck out when the panic attack feeling started again. I loved seeing my friend but I'm still learning how to make small talk all over again. It isn't something I'm against trying again but I know after the mental exhaustion of support group it was more then I should have tried.

Afterwards I did have to run to Wal-mart for a few things and I did that ALONE! I think I found the trick doing going there without going overboard. Now if I hadn't gone to the "gaggle" party I wouldn't have made the Wal-mart goal! So I think they may require a thank you card for letting me sneak out. So the the trick I should mention was going in the other door. Normally I park on the grocery side, unless I'm going to the pharmacy. I tricked my brain. Silly maybe but if a change in the door I enter gets me into the store alone without a panic attack I've made progress.

I know I'm my own worst enemy. I know the expectations from others and how I deal with my grief aren't there or if they are it doesn't matter. I try not to be hard on myself but I'm need to figure out so many things and everyday it seems to be something new. I've gotta give myself credit because I really am doing more then just getting out of bed but that is the only expectation I have for myself. If I end up doing something more then that each day then I'm my normal overachiever self.

Television

I'm worn out. Emotions are so very tiring in grief. I guess I'm doing all the things I supposed to be doing. I'm facing all of my emotions. I'm not ignoring them. There is no set way to face all of the pain. I can read all the books on the subject. I can't hide and I won't hide from what I'm feeling. I'm just so exhausted. I want relief. I can't tackle anything more for now.

I can look pictures. I can remember the good times. I can feel his love. I just need a break for a bit from all of the whirlwind of emotions. Our home is my comfort zone for now. In a bad day if I can make it home I know I made it another day. On a good day if I can make it home I know I will make it another day. His bathroom counter is the same. The notes he made about the med changes. His hand towel with toothpaste marks. I can't clean it out. I'm not ready. Yes I know he is gone and never coming back. I know it is just stuff but there is still pain in going through it all and cleaning it out. Someday I will do it just not yet.

I sit tonight in front of the television. I have a routine of programs that I can watch without thinking. I have some movies I try to watch but that is a bridge that I start to cross and then come back across. My romantic love. He loved to go to the store and pick out fun things to eat. Well he was always eating but we would make a picnic and spread out the comforter and pillows and have a movie marathon. We had so much fun just being together, doing nothing or crossing off the "honey do" list.

The television isn't a very good date but it numbs the pain for a bit so that I can rest my body and prepare for another day. I like the times when friends give me a break with a call or dinner. Someday maybe things will be different but my heart will always have a hole that can't be repaired but that doesn't mean it won't have room for more love. The only thing I can do is face my grief and learn to make it through each day. My only goal in life continues to be getting out of bed each day. What happens from there I try to go with where my feelings lead and work through them not mask them. Now if I can eat and get hunger back - I'll just leave that for another day.

Face First

It really is good to admit I'm not strong. I'm not invincible and that word implies I can't be defeated to me. Scott and I had tons of things that we overcame. Our personal journey was not one without battles. He always told me I helped him through events that he would have failed on his own. Right now it is good for me to admit I'm not okay.

Yesterday's Meditation ironic on Scott's Birthday -

I must learn to: open bottles, move the furniture, open stuck windows, go home alone, investigate the noise in the night, eat alone, make decisions alone, handle money alone, go on trips alone, fight with service companies alone, be sick alone, sleep alone, sing alone. - Sonja O'Sullivan

Hannah left tonight to go for the week with her Dad. I was not alone for a few days but truly I am. I have lost my partner. Hannah is my daughter and it isn't her responsibility to be there in the little stuff that I'm so used to sharing. I have been searching for a place to be and find comfort. Today I found an online support group for young widows. I can continue with the "brave" face for those around me. I'm am a strong reminder to others that life is short. I don't think people mean to feel that way but who wants to know that life can end without warning at 37.

There are people that I know are still here for me. I do know that! I just know that the house is empty of human contact. He isn't sitting next to me tickling my toes. He isn't lounging in the bath with a book. He visits. I know that LOVE is magic, light and power. This process isn't about climbing a ladder. There is not a right way or a wrong way to grieve. For me there is only MY way. For everyone else there is only THEIR way.

The overwhelming "how are you doing?" has no true answers. I can't really tell you but the socially acceptable answer is OK or making it. I know the pain is in my eyes because it is in my heart. A hug and "no your not, but I'm here to hold your hand" goes a long way. I will have days were I'm on the bottom. This process is about the circle of infinity and beyond. Today just happens to not be a day that a happy smiling face gets plastered on. There is not a way to fake it until you make it in grief. I have to face these days head on and get the feelings out of my heart and the thoughts out of my head. If I didn't you might as well start collecting to pay for an extended stay padded cell.

Happy Birthday, My Love

I got through it. Scott's birthday. He would have been 38 today. He was so looking forward to making it that far. He was always looking forward to 40. We used to talk about how I almost didn't make it there. He wanted to grow old with me. We used to laugh about being the couple in the nursing home who drove the nurses nuts because we loved each other so very much.

I don't know how I'm supposed to handle today. I didn't know what I wanted it to be. All I know was what it was supposed to be. I can't live in what it was. It doesn't get me living forward. He was always looking at our future. He said the past made him who he was for me. Our connections are beyond words and I know he hates me living in pain. Even when I was the one at deaths door he kept me here. He was sitting at my bed in the ICU with a look of terror when I woke up. I wasn't to be the one to go first. Now I have to figure out this process of living.

My Mom asked me what I wanted to do today. I didn't know. I have no answers. Today I just needed someone to guide me around but that didn't happen. I needed a celebration. It didn't happen with anyone except me. I crept out of Mom's house. Everyone was busy. They didn't notice I went outside. I picked a rose and walked down to the dock/lake. I sat on the dock. The lake was where we were supposed to be today. I still have trouble with large areas of water but I went. I wrote out my birthday wishes for him and attached them to the rose. I wished him Happy Birthday and sent the rose onto the lake.

The tears were heavy and fell onto the concrete of the dock. I watched the note separate from the rose. It floated around a bit as the waves from the boat traffic pulled the rose out towards the lake from the cove. My words of love were carried under water and the rose swam ahead. It was like our life. I have to keep floating on in this life. He knows my love for him. He took that with him but his loves continues to surround me. We will forever be connected. I have to learn the process of living not just barely surviving.

This was one of those days when I was alone while those around me had their lives to be in. I'm trying to learn. I'm trying not to be stuck. It isn't easy to live but here I am. Doing stuff alone that I don't want to do. There is no one here to hold my hand. It is a day of missing a life and trying to grasp a life that I didn't want. Accepting will never happen. That means I'm good with all that has happened. I will never Accept but I do acknowledge. I acknowledge that I have to live. I will continue with the rotating emotions there will be no timeline. He will always be My Love. Today I celebrate his life and send him my love.

For the Birds.

I was up really late last night picking up Hannah from her fantastic vacation. It was 2am by the time we pulled into the house and headed for bed. In normal times I would have been great. I've always been a night owl but these days. I tried to nap. I watched TV and the clock. I didn't spend much time online and flipped channels. Read a bit and tried to work on myself and my grief.

My craft room is full of stuff for the wedding ceremony. I keep the door closed most of the time but my printer is in there. I went in there and stood and sobbed looking at bags of plates, forks, knives, cups and serving items for the reception. Who knew plates could make you cry. I need to clean them out but it's like everything else. Someday... not yet.

I counted the hours until Hannah needed to be picked up. I was great to have her home. I know the trip was good for her. It got her out of all the reminders. The radio did it's thing when we were almost home. Scott is glad she is home safe too and has new life experiences to share. I doubt I ever make it to NYC. Hannah keeps telling me how overwhelming it would be for me. The only thing I want to see is a Broadway show and the Statue of Liberty. I'm such a small town girl. Exploring new places was exciting with Scott. We really did do some great trips in three years.

Tomorrow is one of those days I need to find a way to celebrate. His birthday! This would be the sixth time we celebrated together. Each were individually amazing. Now how do I celebrate. The birthday's were more about being together then gifts and stuff. Although I think his favorite was dinner at Emeril's. He kept telling me I changed his life and gave him experiences he could only dream. It worked both ways. We did it all together. We lived life to the fullest.

I couldn't be at home. Home is comforting but I still can't do major chores. The list of "honey do's" is still there. I will get to them. At least I can do laundry, dishes and the trash. Now cleaning carpets, fertilizing the yard, putting out fire ant stuff, caulking the shower... you get the idea. Hannah and I came to Mom's instead. My niece flew in for her summer time with Grandma. It was originally for the wedding but well we all know what happened to that formal ceremony. Nope not going there right now.

The family all headed to a rodeo. I stayed back to rest and keep calm. The last rodeo was enough for me. I don't really have to cross that bridge of memories. I can keep the one with Scott alive in my heart. It's not like some stuff I have to learn to do. As I'm sitting there watching some tv the cats bring a bird into the house. It is alive and flies around. It makes it to a safe spot and rests for a bit but this has continued all evening. A Mexican stand off with the cats and the poor bird. It is still alive and has itself in a high place where the cats can't reach but it won't let me shoo it out of the house.

I'm really okay with the bird signs I receive all the time. The one that sat in the yard all day and all the others that show up are good. It's like the music on the radio! Not so much when it is one in the house. I've been having a long conversation with Scott about this sign . I'm promise I'm not crazy. I'm not imaging things. I just smile and know it is ok. He loves me and will never be far away. The love we all share in life with people is a power that does keep those of left behind living forward. Someday will be my time but I'm not rushing to get there.

I think the lesson I have learned in these past few weeks is the art of protection. Hiding behind a facade is safety mechanism because after a while seeing the sadness on others faces and hearing the sorrow for me in their voices just adds another dimension to enough that is there. I'm just trying to live forward but living a daily life without Scott is miserable. I miss the arguments. I miss the smiles. I miss it all. My heart has a hole in it but that doesn't mean I get to stop living. I have to be open to the signs from a love that can never be recreated but continues to help me live forward.

Winding my way

Above all, do not lose your desire to walk. Every day I walk myself into a state of well-being, and walk away from every illness. I have walked myself into my best thought, and I know of no thought so burdensome that one cannot walk away from it. - Soren Kerkegaard

How do I do this? Last night I was up late getting some work done. I couldn't take my sleepy med that late and still get up for work. It was a horrible night. I had nightmares of trucks, water, and loosing all kinds of people. Nope that doesn't help me. I don't need to wake up all night. So I will stick with the med for now. I guess I have to say I tried but it will have to wait for another day.

At work, my team sent me to Wal-mart for ice cream. We have reward Fridays every so often for our patients. I came back with not just ice cream but a panic attack. I can't handle groceries alone. It is horrible to feel that way. I'm normally a get in, get out and get it done kind of person with the food purchases. This is the crazy fear to have. I'm sure my team thinks I'm nuts but I told them I'm not ready for the store alone. Another thing I tried again. I'm okay with going to the pharmacy section to pick up meds but I think it is because I'm not in there longer then 10 minutes.

The mornings are the hardest for me but I do just as the quote says and walk myself into a state of functioning. I get myself there because I have to not because it is what I want. During a work lunch I found that I was laughing and telling stories about my favorite place, Disney World. I was able to tell how Scott proposed and smile. The ladies with me told me I could be a person who takes others to Disney and plan vacations and guides them around. I laugh when I think about it because it is a happy place for me. I know when I return I will have tears but my memories of Scott are very strong and comforting. The music overhead in the tea room/shop was busy talking to me. I can listen and hear the messages and find comfort in the knowing he is never far from me and my life does have a soundtrack.

I can't handle everything and I'm not completely without tears.If I wrote this blog throughout the day you would truly be able to see how I can go from normal to nuts in 2 seconds. It isn't a process that comes easy. I have to work hard to put myself into a comfortable place. I am home. I got through my day. I picked out shingles for the roof. I have learned so much about insurances. Things I didn't ever really want to know. It must be part of my living forward program. I am forever changed. I am forever wrapped in the arms of my newest guardian angel bringing me to infinity and beyond.

Red Hot Celebration

Today was one of those days of celebrating life with Scott. I have been moving forward without thinking of these days. I have lots of those days coming up. Years of them but these are the first of them without him. We always celebrated the first week we met because that week also turned into the first week of our future more then once. This is the last day of that week. Hard to explain the details but each year this week was something big. I woke up this morning and got out of bed. Wasn't easy but I did it. Life's celebrations from family birthdays to personal events are not going to stop happening. I was feeling the pain. I've been hanging on by my fingernails.

I was managing to get through the day. I didn't want to just like the rest of the week. It just means that there are more celebrations to come along. Two years ago I got a dozen purple roses with a card that said "To the beginning of our life." He loved sending flowers to me. I got them for all kinds of occasions. I have all the cards and most of the flowers. I saved some from each bouquet. He loved to celebrate. Not just us but big and small events. This week was more then just our own private celebrations but has many family meanings for Scott. I can't forget those things because he always made sure he remembered the woman who is most important for all of his life. He and I shared a part of it and crammed a lifetime into a few years but I'm not the only person he loves.

The answer was given to me. My friend that teaches kindergarten called me and asked me to go with her to get a mani/pedi. I rarely do that for myself. I gladly accepted. I had work to do tonight but I have discovered there are no coincidences. I enjoyed the time and realized that I was celebrating. He gave me a celebration tonight. When I was asked what color for my toes, I could immediately say red. Lisa laughed. I had to explain when I got my toes done he had a specific preference. I laughed. I enjoyed the laugh. Scott and I could carry on an entire conversation in code. He understands the meaning of my toes. He gave me a place to smile in a memory that was a silly one for us. It is okay for me to laugh and cry at the same time. This year of firsts will continue. There are more to come in the next few weeks. Very big ones. Now how to celebrate and rejoice in his continued love as I live forward with my memories.

Foggy

My brain gets a lot foggy these days. I am positive I go quite numb. I know it is my mind and body's way of protecting and healing itself. The stress of life is too much some days but that is part of the experience. There are so many things in this road of grief that aren't understood. Feelings and thoughts that I didn't know were possible are there. I made today work because I can go into autopilot mode. I can be a Rehab Director and a Speech Therapist because I have done it for so long. I can put on the smile and move like nothing is wrong. That is the furthest from the truth. The loss of Scott isn't a punishment to anyone. The grief isn't something that can be "gotten over" or "move on." His death isn't any one's fault. There is no one to blame. It was just a freak accident.

Grief is a process of learning to live forward. Right now autopilot is functional. If I didn't have the work and a purpose the pain of the grief would take over. The few hours in the evening of quiet and TV before bed are hard. It is also a time that I can be foggy again. I write to work through all that is in my heart and head. Talking and sharing are very important for me. The tears that continue to happen all the time are a release of my sadness. If there are people who are tired of me I can't make them be there for me anymore then they can't make me stop the grieving process.

There are so many people who are still there for me. A support system that is complex and beyond belief for me at times. I accept that without question. I freely take what is offered with open arms. It makes me know that I'm not alone in the process of grief. There are things in this world that I'm done trying to understand. As I sit here writing, I go back and forth to Facebook. I see a post about one of my childhood classmates who passed away last night. I can see his face when we were teenagers. There has been too much of this lately. There have been many people lately. Lots of people that Scott and I knew. This person was not a person Scott knew but shared the same first name. Someone just stab me in the heart again. I guess it is a really good thing I'm so very numb right now. There was a purpose when it seemed earlier today that it occurred out of left field.

Every time I see another person has gone into the light of God's love I keep thinking that must be one heck of a party going on. It really does need to slow down for a bit. I need to figure out how to live forward at my own speed to learn how to rebuild and reformulate my daily life. Someday I will get invited to that party, we will all be invited to that party but for now I will continue to find comfort in the messages and love I will always receive from Scott.

Once in a Lifetime

There will be times in each of our lives that we feel something can only happen once. Not that something similar is not possible but that particular event can never be recreated. Scott was a once in a lifetime kind of person and the love he brought to me was once in a lifetime. Tonight I had dinner with a friend Scott brought into my life. He collected people! Who couldn't love that smile, the big caring heart and the silly goofy stuff he would do. I love hearing stories about him. He wasn't perfect he had his moments but if we all don't then there is something wrong with you. I can say that three hours sitting in a restaurant was something given to me from beyond. He doesn't want me to feel pain and loneliness.

I don't know what my purpose or soul path in life is to be. I can't question but I can live onward. I continue to read. I'm devouring books on grief and love from God and those that have passed on. I have one book that I started but it was too hard at the time I bought it so I put it aside. Today I pulled it back up on my Kindle, "I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye" by Brook Noel. The place where I had stopped reading says, "remember, if someone says something like, "It's time now to get on with your life," you have the right to say, "In my time and God's time, not in your time."" I continue to learn from each day of this journey. I have a path to follow. It just isn't all laid out with shiny yellow brick. I can affirm myself. I know who I was and who I am meant to be are insignificant to who I am right now.

We bought a plaque over Christmas that says, "Cherish yesterday, Live today, dream tomorrow." It hangs in our living room over our family Christmas photo and the girls individual Christmas photos. Right now I can cherish and live. I'm working on dreaming. The other sign we bought on our New Year's trip, that I have yet to hang and had at his funeral says, "Love Never Fails." His love continues in all the lives he touched. He continues to send me love to send out to others and I receive from others in large and small ways - a patient who checks on me daily, a friend who picks up the phone to check on me, a new friend who takes me to dinner, talking for three hours and a daughter who sends me texts and photos on a trip.

I am transforming from who I was in my life with Scott. I am thankful for our love and can only live for today. I know not what tomorrow brings but I pray for continued love and kindness from others and a way to live forward in each day.

Solitary

Life is sure quiet in the house. Susan left this morning and I went to work. I have plenty of work to do to keep me busy at work but life is so much more then work. I could hide there but Scott wants me to be happy and live forward. I work with my patients to empower themselves, I need to learn to empower myself. I'm working on myself and a big step for me is being alone. Other people are alone. I've been alone before. I have something now that I didn't have before - a relationship with a Scott. I know how he wanted us to have happiness together in our life. We had happiness, not a perfect romance novel relationship but we were happy.

He wants me to continue in happiness. I shouldn't fear the future but embrace it just as he did. Today I embrace myself for the day. Another book I'm reading says, "Smiling and laughter are often keys to opening one's heart." My heart hasn't closed but finding myself and who I'm supposed to be in all of this quiet is a challenge. That hole in my heart has forever changed me. I didn't need Scott to make my life better but he certainly did enhance it. I think right now my life feels less full. It isn't fun to go from all the planning into this quiet.

All the plans and arrangements were so much work but leading to a future. It didn't stop us from enjoying each other and our magical moments. There should have been more for us but I can't change that. We can't go back and make Scott have a physical body - hairy guy. He has to be somewhere else. His spirit is here and he loves us. I'm not completely alone. I will never be completely alone. I just have to adjust to a slower pace and find new things that make sense to my future. Right now I know I have to be strong, hold on to my beliefs and live forward. I am my own person. I can do this and honor Scott's memory and our love.

Fly Birdy Fly

Well I just sent Hannah on a trip for a week. Scott and I were so excited for her and the chance to explore the world and expand her horizons. I'm still excited for her but I'm being selfish too. It's just another stupid bridge to cross. I know I can't be perfect. I know I have to walk through just one step at a time. I'm told I'm being hard on myself, that I'm making it, that I'm stronger then I give myself credit. The only thing I know is that I get out of bed everyday. I don't have a timeline for trying to be anyplace with my emotions. I just don't like me at all. I just want to like myself again.

Susan is still here and that is helping so very much. I didn't make her eat Mexican food tonight and we made it to the grocery store. Food for a single person. She understands and gets it.

Today's meditation: "Learning to trust will be for all of us the means by which the root system grows firm and nourishes the tree of life." - Elaine M. Prevallet. I don't trust myself to get through each day. Each day hurts. I'm not ready to expect anything less. I am having moments of smiles but most of the time it really doesn't reach my heart. I love my daughter. I love my friends and family but I'm trying to love myself again. I'm trying to trust myself.

I sent Hannah off on her trip. I want to hold her tight and not let her out of my sight but that isn't okay. I can't hold her hostage in my personal prison. I'm sending my little birdy out to fly. Someday I will be able to find my own wings and soar. It is too soon. I still need to be held close and guided. I just don't know how to ask for help. Other then to say, the panic keeps attacking.

Living

I'm living slowly. Susan is still here and it is very comforting to have her just hanging out. Taking time away from her own life to help me live. I didn't want to get up but I did. We stayed up late last night playing Bananagrams and watching a movie. Susan brought this game to Hannah and she is addicted. I was able to live and not stew concentrating on creating words in this game; a mixture of scrabble and your own crossword puzzle. After that we watched "Leap Year." The hardest part of the movie wasn't watching them fall in love, I've done that and very deeply, but the part where their car lands in a pond.

I have fears. It is a sad human state that I have to conquer one at a time. My own personal quest. We got out and toured the town again running errands. I'm usually very organized with errands but I find myself criss-crossing town. My poor brain can't handle this sad state of affairs. It has been very interesting hearing all of the things about the East coast and the comparisons to this part of the country. Someday soon that will be our next stop on the "Wicked" friends tour. This certainly isn't how I ever expected my friends to visit my home.

We came home this afternoon and did some computer time. Just like having Scott here. Susan, Hannah and I each on our laptops but still having great conversations. I did reach a point where I needed to try to nap. I still don't actually sleep without the meds. I attempt for a nap but I'm not going to risk it at bedtime. I rested but my brain went into overload. I started to have an anxiety attack. In the meantime, Hannah and Susan went out to swim. I have sat on the edge of the pool but I've been afraid of the water. That isn't me - EVER! I have always loved hanging out in the pool. Scott was so excited about the coming summer and opening the pool. He loved water but when we started dating couldn't swim. I think mostly because he had zero body fat. We always laughed about his inability to float but we taught him how to swim.

I got out of bed. I was trying to live past the anxiety attack so I went outside and sat on the edge of the pool. I finally got up the courage to put on my suit, another new piece of honeymoon clothing and get into the water. Susan and I talked and talked. The best thing for me is talking openly and honestly about all of the junk that is in my head. This process can't be done alone. It is personal but not possible to do without great ears and hearts of others. We watched Hannah scoop some dead creature out of the pool. Now if there is ever a snake in the pool again that will have to be forever Scott's job or someone else will have to take it over. Yuck!

I've been teasing Susan about Mexican food. She talks about not really experiencing it on the East coast. Taco Bell is about as wild as she knows about. So tonight we went back to where we were going to eat last night. We walked right in and had a wonderful time at dinner. It has been so nice having a break from my sadness. I cry still but I can walk through memories in conversation without always being uncontrollable. We have came home to more game time and another movie. The house is my comfort zone. The couch is my haven but the company makes living possible. Susan will have to return home. I have to figure out how to do things without anyone around. I have more demons to conquer. I don't really want to but I wasn't given the choice. I feel like my free will was taken from me but then again when we are children most of us are taught that we don't always get our way. There are battles to be fought to find some form of peace but I don't get the choice to have Scott continue to physically be present with us. I will always live with our memories and that is today's meditation. I have the free will to call upon our good times and bad to continue to feel his love.

Friendship

True friendship powers life. True love powers the universe. Today I got the love of a friend who flew halfway across the country to hold my hand. She isn't the first friend to hold my hand. I should truly say family. I have lots of chosen family. I haven't survived this without the help of birth and chosen family.

I worked this morning and realized that my choice is about my patients. I know lots of things. I'm not the only person that knows lots of things but you there is room to meet in the middle. I'm not inflexible but I do matter and something I've worked hard on is important to me!

Susan arrived here to make our weekend a lot less lonely. We had several errands to run for Hannah and for some reason my bank card had decided to stop swiping. When my friends get together we always try to do things that are different and something regional to the visit. Did you know Chick-fil-A is unusual? We took Susan there for a quick lunch- something new to her.

A few hours passed in minutes. I would like other parts of my life to pass in minutes. It just takes time that I don't want to spend to get to the next corner. I want to feel happiness again like we shared. That's not possible because Scott was a mold that can't be recreated. Amazingly I was hungry again. I haven't been hungry in almost 9 weeks. Friday nights for our little family was usually Mexican food. So much so that my friends teased us about our predictability. The place we were headed didn't pan out. I had to cross another roadblock.

The restaurant we decided upon was the last Mexican food Scott and I shared for lunch on Good Friday. Did you know it is possible to walk into a restaurant and immediately know every place you have been seated and see some one's face sitting across the table from you? I crossed another bridge with the help of Hannah and Susan. Tonight was quieting and peaceful. I still had tears. I still have pain. I will never be whole again because my heart will always have a piece missing but Scott joins us in happy times and continues to give us love. He sends our friends and family to hold our hands. Another day might be different. Not today but for a bit I'm a little lighter because I'm not anticipating days. I'm living in the moment and suddenly I will live forward.

Compassion

I got myself out of bed today! How couldn't I be proud of the fact I can do that most days! I was in a good quiet place then I had to deal with another's view on what I should be doing and feeling. I've worked really hard to achieve professional goals in my life. I'm not always perfect and I do make mistakes. I try to move past the mistakes and accept them. I've been trying to say for days I'm feeling stepped on and judged that I'm not doing my job correctly. My goals for my team and my department are to provide the highest treatment and help as many people as possible by thinking outside the box. I know there are always going to be people you don't see eye to eye with. I have always been the bender and trying to get everyone to get along.

Scott was always the one who I would have to say step back and think. Just because you want to explode doesn't mean it's not easier to give in. I can't do that. I can't be stepped on. It is okay to not always do things just the way you've always done them. It is okay to approach teamwork from a different point of view. I inherited a mess. I created a program that is supposed to be about thinking outside the box. Today I lost my cool because someone else wants to do things the way they did it before. That person then in what I heard that they "shouldn't have to watch what they say and not make me cry. That we all have stress in our lives and I need to get over it and just deal with it." Yes that really makes me want to do things your way. Works has been my safe place to be. It gets me out of bed daily.

Not so much now. Even if you have a poor filter and things just spill from your mouth, there is no OK in saying that to a person who just lost the love of their life, soulmate and spouse. Yes I lost my cool. Yes I'm beyond listening to anything and the more said the more attacked I feel. If as I was told communication is working what part of let's not make changes let me learn to live and breath without crying wasn't heard. I know I didn't handle anything well right now. All I hear is you don't know what your doing and I know more then you so I'm going to step all over you and tell you what to do. That may or may not be what was meant but it is what I heard. I was done. I lost it.

I can tell you that June is going to be horrible. I'm trying not to anticipate events that just cause me grief overload. I'm trying to continue to be at a point I can get out of bed on a daily basis. I can tell you how many days until things were supposed to happen. I can tell you exactly what we did at the same time last year and the year before and the year before. Oh heck for the last five years! I can tell you exactly what I was wearing the day Scott and I met but I'm not anticipating that date next week. I can't go there it hurts to much to face until the day gets here.

There are times when people don't know what to say to you. I can understand that but I never knew that shoving grief into some one's face was possible. I reached out once again for the friends I know have compassion. I continue to try to "turn the corners and face the fear of the unknown" Today I also loved this "Toast always lands buttered side down, cats always land on their feet, but over time we learn that our grief does not mean that we will always land face down. Scott's passing is still a very recent event and you are going to have some very rough days; that's a measure of the love you shared."

So what happens if we put the toast on the cat? I had to work really hard to get to place where I could do my job. I made it. My mind was back to the slow function. Multiple tasks at once - didn't happen. Tomorrow I will try again. Tonight my friend Angela took the time to go to dinner with me. We can commiserate in our grief and not have people not know what to say to us. I can say to her "yes I do feel like I want it to be my time!" Don't let me shock the rest of you because I would never do anything to make it my time. Scott would be kicking my rear. We listen to each other. Our loved ones are encouraging us as they live in the light of God. We help each other.

I read forward into my Daily Grief Meditation book. I needed to try to find calm. So tomorrow I will leave you with this thought "Truly, it is allowed to weep. By weeping, we disperse our wrath; and tears go through the heart, even like a stream." - Ovid. The book suggests that crying is a way to relieve the pressure of grief. That she has never seen anyone turn away in impatience or disgust from someone who is crying genuine tears. Someday it will happen. I can get through a day without crying. I am still working on that.

Coping

I can't seem to write tonight. I can't seem to live today. I started out well and then stress hit. I shouldn't have had such a reaction but I did. I need things to happen without change. I need the things that are continuous to just be the same for a bit longer. I'm not ready for anything else to change.

I have a rough week my counselor is on vacation. It really does help me get to a place where I can cope with the little stuff that happens during the day. I have to get to Friday when my friend Susan will be here. I'm very happy that she is coming to support me. I really do have lots of people out there for me. I'm just not being very good about being there where I was before. I need to focus on something besides the grief. I have wonderful people in my life. I have joyous memories that include not only Scott but others as well. I need to put myself in that room where those memories are and lock the door. I've been working on the place that is a mental positive place.

I can't be good. I can't be strong. I don't know how to be happy again. I cope for moments at a time. I can be quiet and not so into the grief. I am trying to figure out how to not let the grief take over and make my memories of love and joy forever sadness. He loves me. He will never stop loving me. He will continue to be there as I try to live forward.

Today in my grief the entire Kinder class from Laynie's school came to my work today to sing to our residents. I didn't know the event was going to happen. I got a gift from Scott. Laynie got a gift from Daddy. She will always be in my heart and I know she will always know how much we both love her. I'm the arms to give her a hug from Daddy and I got one in return. I was doing great in that knowledge. I will try to hold that knowledge and work past the stress others try to hand me. I don't have enough hands right now to juggle anything else. I don't need anymore change right now. Let me learn to cope with what I have in my path for now.

I'm not making a lot of sense even to myself for now. Let me learn to cope. Let me be the person I am but I have to find her first. The real me, the person Scott loved is hidden inside me for now but sometimes I catch a glimpse.

Illness

So stress and grief can lower your immune system. This morning I woke up with a fever and tummy junk. I curled back up and called in. I'm not giving anything to my patients. My fever finally broke but then I was dizzy and had a migraine. I was actually going trying to get to work. I have stuff to do and it helps my mind stay active.

Today's meditation is "We must allow ourselves to be interrupted by God." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

It is truly correct. Life was going along at a predictable pace and now I have reappraise my priorities and reset my life. I also have to be thankful for each day we had together. Each moment we created a memory. I don't regret our life together. I only regret that he had to leave before we could finish all the plans, live our life at the predictable pace.

This afternoon I laid down on the floor at the foot of the bed and sobbed. Being sick and grief just make it all heavier. I'm try to get where I'm supposed to be but today I couldn't even reach out for help. I just want to curl up and go too. The depression is intense sometimes and then I try remember how he wanted us to live. It's not helping today. I'm better thankfully the fever broke but my emotions are frail.

Guilt, regret, blame, fear are all the emotions that will bring me down. I don't want any of those feelings. I can be positive and move forward, someday. In all that I learn in this path there is no timeline and that the process is very personal. It shouldn't be done alone but it is very personal. How do I live forward today? I think it is okay to let my body heal and then live forward tomorrow. I think the hardest of the danger emotions is fear. It has been my own personal demon even before all of this. I will learn to not fear living forward. Scott didn't fear what we had created together. He lived with gusto and embraced each moment. Now my immune system needs to cooperate!