Past, present and future

I've had a busy and long day with such times that are very lonely. Hannah had to register for band today. That basically means we, her Dad and I, gave out large sums of money and I signed my name a bunch. I'm so proud of her. I know she will have a great time. It was strange to not be there with Scott in tow, along with Mike and Pamela. Poor kid having four parents. Mike, Pamela and I talked about how Scott was right there with us. He was just as excited to see her to this next step and had planned so far ahead talking about seeing her graduate. We confuse so many people because we are all still close. Hannah has four parents. Sure will save on the carpooling.

Then I came home and I've spent the day on the couch catching up on my Netflix discs sitting here. It was very hard to watch TrueBlood - season 2, disc 1. Scott was so looking forward to continuing our cuddle time with these discs. I watched and talked to him as things happened. It makes me feel more comfortable when I'm doing things that I know he wanted to be a part. So from that to Love Boat. Yes I know you can hear the theme song in your head right along with me. It is like hearing "It's a small world" So I've passed many hours today without words. I texted Hannah and we talked for a bit. She told me she was bored too.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I miss Scott getting me out of the house. I miss him never sitting still and always working on this or that. I miss taking an afternoon nap on our quiet weekends all cuddled together. I miss him so much. It is very hard to be doing things in life without him. It is amazing how important he was in all the little tiny things that happen in life and that we were never far apart. He is a one of kind and I know he is still here but it is hard. Now what do I do tomorrow. I will probably just hide from the world again because I can't come up with taking care of myself. I don't like being alone anymore.

Days and into the nights

I'm sitting here watching my favorite show - House Hunters, alone. It is okay to be alone but it is just not as much fun as it used to be. Spending quiet alone time was rejoicing now it is overwhelming. I am home alone but I don't want to be here at all. I hate the weekends but I do have parental responsibilities to make sure my daughter gets to grow up happy and adjusted. Dinner was okay. I cooked tonight for myself. Last night was the first time I didn't just microwave something. Tonight I did make pizza in the oven but then I sat and ate frosting out of the tub. Chocolate still upsets my tummy. I may be losing weight but I don't need to put it all back. I like having baggy clothes.

I have learned to keep my mind busy and occupied. It makes it less painful to sit here in a house of our things and feel him all around but keeping my mind busy stops me from dwelling. I have time to feel but sometimes feelings need to be a bit quieter. I'm not going to stop feeling but turning the intense pain of the quiet down a notch is good. The meds walk me down and there are times when the feelings break through but I'm handling them.

I have a dear friend that is needing support in her life. I told her tonight I understand and providing her an ear to get some of her feelings out helps me too. I'm not selfish enough to think that the world is all about me. I would rather stand back and take care of others but right now I get to stand up and take care of me. Selfishly being there putting my arms out for another does make my days and nights move faster. I've had to get myself away from counting time. I have to just keep going.

I'm making it happen. I'm making my life happen by putting myself out there for others to help me along the path. Today I had help from a friend to achieve a goal I have set. There really are times in life where who you know is more beneficial then what you know. Being nice to others and being helpful for others gets me to a living spot, allowing people I love and trust to help me gives me arms of support. I have a new life that is heading somewhere and when I find the path with the rainbow leading me I will know I am where I'm supposed to be. The rainbow comes in many ways and is very symbolic as well as literal. The rainbow is a demonstration of the power of light and love.

I should go to bed and keep my schedule but those darn nights always turn into a new day with other hurdles. It is hard to close my eyes and try to flow into another day. The next day will be here and then I have to figure out getting out of bed all over again. I don't get to hide from life. If I tried I would have a house full of guests that I wasn't expecting from not just here but from all over the country. I don't know about you but a mad Italian woman from New York is inspiration in getting me out of bed. I love you all for keeping my backside from literally out of the water.

Kindness

I'm so very worn out. I don't have the strength some days to even breathe. I have had a bad day today. I'm doing what I can do to get out of bed and I have lots of healing to get done before I can do things for others. There is no timeline on my grief and I have had a lot of learning to know how to be myself and work for what I know in my heart is the right path to follow. Scott is the love of my life. There will never be another someone in my life to give me the love we have for each other. There are things we know about each other and our histories that make me positive of the path I must follow for him.

As I was working with one of my patients today, who loves me and finds all kinds of ways to get back into Speech Therapy even after discharge looked at me this afternoon and asked in his speech that I'm can sometimes only understand and said, "Are you ok today? You look like you are having a rough day!" I told him that today was not my day. He said, "That's okay maybe tomorrow or even next week. It's okay to have those moments." He lost his son several years ago. He has told me on several occasions that loosing his son wasn't easy but knowing he had children and a wife that lost was even harder on him to watch them suffer. I have so many people that are here to support me and reach out to me when I can't even figure out that I need help myself.

There is no competition for grief. There is no medal in life for surviving all of this. The reward has to be solely internal and only dictated by yourself. I may have others around me who have grief but I will be the only one who knows how I feel on any given day. I will be the only one who can fight my own grief. I will face it as I can and someday I will be there with new lessons about my path. I have learned through this process great patience. Yesterday when I was dealing with one of the multiple problems it takes to sort through a life based on pieces of paper someone said to me, "I am so amazed by how you have been so nice through all of this, just trying to get it all sorted out. I admire your courage and strength!"

My own response to that is I will get through all of this trying to treat others with respect and kindness. I have been given a light within that continues to grow from the power of love. Someone once told Scott that "I had to be fake because no one could be this nice." Scott was hot about that comment. I do have buttons that can be pushed but I have learned I have the strength to fight for my beliefs and not be bullied but you don't have to be mean to get there. I will do what is right to honor Scott to infinity and beyond. Those are our vows to each other. He kept his promise to me. I will keep my promise to him.

Love Transcends

Ahh joy and memories. I love my friends. Tonight I had dinner with a friend that I only know because of Scott. We sat there laughing and talking and as she said to me, "I remember the day I realized that you were in love with Scott." That's a good thing to hear. She told me how good we were together. She had run into him a couple of weeks before he died at Wal-mart. We hadn't seen her for awhile so he came home happy and bubbling. "We need to get together with her and her husband soon." was his comment. She went on to describe how happy he was when she talked to him and what a change being in our relationship was so good for both of us.

I remember when Scott and I fell in love. He was just suddenly there for me. I know the exact moment looking at him and just knowing. He would tell me the exact same moment. He told me the exact same moment he loved me. I will always know that moment. I will also know the rest of the moments of our time together. All of those add up to a love that transcends.

Then dinner tonight took me from a place that was so very topsy turvy to a place that is comfort and joy. I have never doubted my love for Scott or his love for me. I thank Monica for giving me continued support. I have so many words that don't express the power I feel in my heart for all of my friends. The arms of love are so powerful. I get to know that I making it forward because of the love from the other people in my life. After I left the restaurant I got in the car and Leanne Rimes, "Unchained Melody" started playing on the radio. Scott is supporting me to infinity and beyond. There are so many people who are here for me. I will take each day with patience and kindness. I have learned that there are people and events in life that I can't change. How I deal with them effects others and I choose to be me as I learn who me is these days. I'm not going to let others dictate to me how I live my life. I get through each day with the help of people who will never really know the feelings that are in my heart because I can't find the right words.

Weight on my Shoulders

I woke up this morning at 4 am. I haven't been to sleep since. It is almost 11pm. I had my mind whirling and twirling all day but mostly in the three hours before I got up to go to work. I have this guided imagery recorded on my phone in a soft, quiet voice that I played many times to get to a dozing space in those few hours. I guess I could have gone to work but Oh how I wasn't ready to do that.

I had hours of thoughts swimming around in my head. I think some of the thoughts started yesterday with several things that happened. I am learning to cope. I am learning to make it to a place that is calmer for me. I know my life is still broken right now. I know I'm still broken and I feel for the most part detached from the world around me. I can carry on a well spoken conversation but I think that is years of training more then actually being engaged sometimes.

I have decided I'm a relatively social person but I am shy too. Not withdrawn painful can't speak to another human shy but the initial anxiety of getting to know another person. I love small groups and one:one conversation. I'm not so good at large groups of people I don't know without someone there to find in a room full of people. With Scott I had it all. We could be in different places in the house and still know exactly where the other person was and know what they were being done. Just that comfortable loving relationsip. In a room full of people he was there to hold my hand but I could look at him across the room and be in an instant just the two of us. I miss that connection and companionship.

I go to the grocery store with Hannah every so often but seeing people is hard. I look at others and knew EVERY time we went to the store with Scott he would find someone to talk to and introduce me to. He was so very nice to everyone we came into contact with. Now when I walk through the store I feel invisible. We used to laugh and tease and joke our way through the store. It was a fun time. Who would ever think the store would be a place to go on part of a date. I miss that last night we were together at the grocery store.

I think the weight on my shoulders is the fear of actually getting to a place where I could ever enjoy being in another's company. I fear that if I even let myself go there with my thoughts that I would lose in the end. See I'm so hard on myself. I need to stop myself but I know that if I don't get the words out right now they can escalate into more panic. I also fear the other side of the coin that I'm going to be in this state forever. That I will be 80 and continue to be stuck in this half-life. So with all of this I'm off to the quiet space of our bed to try to sleep longer tonight.

Moments that push me

I've decided there are things and people that say things that just don't get it. No this isn't the first time nor will it be the last. It's just that sometimes you just have to say well ok, shake your head and laugh. This morning I checked my email when I got out of the shower and I had an email for a comment on this blog to moderate. I don't get many but this one was a just don't get it. Let me be very frank when I say yes grief is something that we all universally have to deal with but I am coping with all my powers that I possess. I've had MORE then my fair share of grief since the age of 9 then most people survive in their entire lives.

Sadly, I do understand grief but this grief is different and more overwhelming then anything I could ever imagine. I don't need a written lecture on dealing with grief. My blog is just one of the ways I try to get up and cope each day. I truly am finding my way through this. I have support from my beautiful daughter, my amazingly crazy family, and my wacky wonderful friends.

So there is my soapbox. Needless to say I didn't let that post through. Tonight I ran to the car dealer to get my brake pads changed and my inspection done. As I sat in the waiting room the TV was on and I glanced up just as CSI: Miami was starting. The opening of the show was that of one of the agents running of the dirt road at a high rate of speed and landing in a pond. The truck was underwater instantly. I tried to move but I was frozen in place. It took me 20 seconds to listen to the background noise, focus on my phone and the kids whose mother wasn't watching them to ignore the rest of the program for the next 45 minutes. I did it but I was so overwhelmed with the new onslaught of trauma. So in my continued search for the positive things in life, I DIDN'T cry in the dealership. Progress I made progress.

I will continue to do things for myself and conquer events in my life that will always remind me of the good things and even the sucky things that defined our love and his last moments. If I can sit on my back patio or my spot on the couch the last places I saw him alive then I can continue living forward. More baby steps and my expectations for my life are to get out of bed and learn who I am all over again. Thank you to each of you that let me share my DGI moment and the hit of trauma again.

Asking Questions

"People in mourning have to come to grips with death before they can live again. Mourning can go on for years and years. It doesn't end after a year; that's a false fantasy. It usually ends when people realize that they can live again, that they can concentrate their energies on their lives as a whole, and not on their hurt, and guilt, and pain." - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross


I can't even begin to tell you how very true this is. I have to continue to figure out how to deal with death. The death of the man who held was so much to me and I to him. I am trying to get to a point where it doesn't involve my entire life. I am trying to get to where it is not the first thing I think of when I wake up or the last thing before I go to sleep. I don't know what the timeline is for this. I don't have the answer. When you live with the someone and they are in every breath you take and every moment big or small it is really not something that comes easily.

I am living but I'm not really living. It is still more of going through the motions of being in life on Earth. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to not cry each day. Maybe someday, just as it happened that I don't cry each hour. I make myself do things just to get through each day. I have coping strategies that make a difference for me. I continue to try. I'm not giving up. Someday I will find out where I'm supposed to be. I used to go into the bookstore and there was this book that you would ask it a question and then open it to a page to see what it said, like a magic 8 ball. I would go in and pick it up and ask if Scott and I would be together forever. It always said yes - everytime I opened the book! I'm not even going to ask why! It doesn't matter I wouldn't change anything in my life these days.

Vivid Dream

Dreams that are vivid can have good and bad to them. I dream sometimes now a bit more then I have over the last few months. I think I must be able to handle the despair parts of the dreams a bit better. In the wee hours of this morning I clearly saw Scott in one of his golf shirts in red and blue stripes, of course, that is hanging in his closet still. He was smiling at me. He had a little bit more hair in the front filing in his balding just the way he wanted. Still in the short clipped close style. He was clean shaven, just for me he said. He walked up and held me close looking into my eyes filled with love and that look of adoration that was always there before. We walked and talked and loved. I knew in my heart it wasn't forever, that he was just here for a visit. To remind me that he's not very far and that's he's not going anywhere.

Yes there are good and bad to these dreams. He is here for me. I have no doubts of that but I think you know that. The bad parts of the dream comes now. We were interrupted by someone saying it was time for him to go for now. I was then suddenly left searching for him and signs that he had indeed been there. Someone was there to comfort me. I'm not sure what her name is just yet but she was there to walk me to a large ottoman of brown leather. It was like a waiting room. I could feel others around me but didn't really focus upon them. She handed me his wallet. She told me he said to find comfort there. It is amazing but I do have his wallet and the things that are in it speak of his love for me. The lists for the wedding he was taking care of. All the little notes of things he needed to follow up on and the pictures of our girls.

To wake up crying isn't easy but to feel his love and see him looking so well. He is healed. He has no more seizures. He is still with us. The other day he was in a hurry when I felt him around. He didn't stay long. Later I was able to figure out he went to Laynie. She needed him with her. He isn't always around but I can feel him when he is. He protects us and guides us. He will be here until it is our time to join him. So until then I make it with the good and the bad of the dreams, the sudden words that pop into my head telling me not always what I want to hear. Our love is to infinity and beyond. More powerful then words can describe. I choose to accept that which cannot always be explained. I am at peace for today even with the tears. The good does outweigh the bad. The loss of his physical being in our world was bad for us but he is healed and doing the work of God for which he was called to do. In that love and kindness I will live forward into the work I am to complete before I can be in the arms of God and my love, Scott.

Touching

I found a new place to cry today - the bank. I did another step in making sure I take care of things the way Scott wanted them done. We promised each other to infinity and beyond - not until death do us part. He is living up to his end and I'm living up to my end just in different realms of the meaning of life.

So back to the bank. I had been in a few weeks ago fixing the problem with my mortgage and got to know one of the Personal Bankers and then the VP of the bank branch. These two people were very caring and compassionate and helped me through this process. They made sure they had it all done correctly and showed genuine concern about me. How often have you gotten teary eyed at the bank? They told me I was amazing and handed me a box of tissue. I will be writing a nice letter full of compliments to the bank because these people need recognition. I knew what we needed legally to get the process started weeks ago but I can't believe I got another step done today. I will continue to honor Scott's wishes.

I am only being myself. I am who I am. I don't know how to be fake and I genuinely care about the welfare of others. Sounds like the old joke of the beauty pageant contests, "I want world peace!" Sometimes it is hard to be nice but I bite my tongue and just keep going because in the end if I feel good about how I've lived my life and treated others then it will be okay. I know that is the person Scott fell in love with and I don't want to be any different. I'm not perfect, far from it! I do make mistakes and I try to own up to them for the most part! My relationship with Scott was never a mistake. Our love has a power beyond words.

I'm going to keep trying, not only for myself but for all the lives around me that I continue to touch each and every day. Sometimes I don't even know that I have but I'm trying to live forward and find myself, my new self that is because I have a huge lesson in the growth of my soul and spirit to continue to learn from for the rest of my mortal life. I hope you know as a person reading what I write that you have also touched my life that words can't do justice.

Attempting to make it

Oh such sweet relief! My trazodone in a lower dose fixes the crappy anxiety attacks and some Melatonin to aide with sleeping. Oh can I explain all the crazy thoughts that attack - I don't even want to try. I would never wish the images that have flooded my mind on anyone. I am so grateful for a few things though. That I was there for him when he needed me to know we had found him but that I didn't have to do any identification. I will get to a point with lots of love from so many wonderful people and hey a few meds along the way will help.

Yesterday's Daily Meditation for Grief:

"...all those who try to go it sole alone, Too proud to be beholden for relief, Are absolutely sure to come to grief." - Robert Frost

I have to say that this is so very true. I can't get through any of this without everyone. The discussion part about the passage talks about how no one will fill the particular space that is missing in my heart nor would I want them to but the emptiness does make me more needful of loving and supporting relationships in the rest of my life. This is so very true.

Tonight I hung out with my friend Lisa. I called her because I knew I had to do something other then what I've done for the last three days. Sit on the couch, cry, veg, cry.... You get the picture. We can talk for hours and somehow I don't think we have ever finished a conversation! We still follow all the threads in the jumping jumble of words. It is so very wonderful to be able to go from tears one minute to laughing the next. Lisa's life is certainly never dull.

So once again I have beautiful bright red toes for Scott. I hope it makes him smile. I can tell a difference in my mind and nerves based on the television and the programs I watch. When I'm really upset I can only watch iCarly and House Hunters. When I'm calmer or should I say more focused I can do things around the house without the TV. Who knew scooping the kitty boxes and taking out the trash was rewarding. I worked on paperwork stuff that needed to be taken care of for Scott's estate. It was less painful then it was on Monday after opening the mail but darn if trying to through out the ruined stuff from the truck is happening anytime soon I'd be surprised.

I did manage to toss the ruined first aid kit that still had pond water in it after 3.5 months. I had huge meaning but there wasn't a reason to save it. I'm trying to refuse to turn into a hoarder but darn it he bought that kit for our trip last summer. Tears over a first aid kit. He had my drill bits in the truck too. Yes really my drill bits. I promise I'm handier with tools then he ever was. They are a bit rusty and there was still water in there too.

So if you wonder why I'm fighting so hard to live forward it is making the choice to face all this head on when I can. I can't avoid it. He never let me avoid. When I was sick and in the hospital for 12 days he was there every step of the way making sure I got better, that I didn't give up. I hear him now when I least expect it telling me to take care of stuff but to do it as I'm ready. If I hide from these things I won't learn how strong I can be and find what I'm supposed to be learning in something that I don't want to learn but I don't have a choice. I have to do these things for him. Our love was about forever to infinity and beyond. Just because he left his physical body doesn't mean our love stopped. Everything was possible together. I am living forward each day because of the love we shared with each other and our daughters.

Traveling along

Can I even begin to describe what it feels like to be antsy, agitated, anxiety and sick to your stomach for days? That's what the past few days have been like. Tonight I get to try a little bit different cocktail and see how I feel. I hate this mess. It has been such a short time in the scope of things and I'm trying not to be hard on myself but I've got to be able to function in a somewhat normal feeling to make it to each day. There is no one here to take care of me. I have to be responsible for myself. I have great support from wonderful family and friends. I would have not made it as far as I have without you all here for me.

I had an offer for dinner tonight and with this crazy anxiety going on there was no way I was leaving this house. I asked for a rain check for next week. I am trying! I just wish it would all come together in some sense of order. I know I'm being hard on myself. I'm not ready to move forward but I have to be able to functionally deal with life without the massive panic attacks. It is horrible to have that feeling of ongoing dread and fear. Scott would be physically kicking my rear if I weren't trying to get myself living forward.

Last night in my reading I found a way to quiet my brain somewhat. I found a meditation passage where the author suggested taping yourself reading it. So I used the voice recorder section on my phone and did just that. I then played it backed and walked myself through in a quiet calming voice to a place of meditation. It is enough to relax my mind and listen. I love my technology. There are so many ways to keep living forward. I will find my way. I have to find my way. My heart is broken but I don't see that stopping my life. I love Scott and I know he is helping me get through this. I have no doubts about his love.

I know Scott is missed by so many others but I can only write for myself and what this physical loss has done to me. I have a journey that I didn't want to travel but here I am. It will not be a yellow brick road paved with gold instead it is a dirt and gravel road filled with potholes (or in Scott speak chuckholes) that makes me hope my tires stay fully inflated. It is slow going and I can't speed it along or I will lose control and be stuck on the side of the road. Thank goodness for great friends who keep pulling me out of the ruts.

Hiding

Well I guess I can say my new med isn't working. I'm not doing well with it. It isn't giving me the relief I need and I'm having side effects. How do I survive all of this? I'm trying. I just don't like feeling like this. I want emotions but right now I need a bit of a break from the emotion overload. I'm not happy with this panic feeling. It's not okay.

I had an assignment for counseling today. I had to find an activity to do alone because she was on vacation today. I used my massage gift certificate from my birthday. It was very emotional but I felt the relief in my muscles. I cried through most of the massage. Too many memories it brought up. I dealt with them but now I'm planted on the couch hiding from the world. I know I'm struggling because I can't even sit and play my games. I will make it. I just have to deal with the bad and the good. My life has never been all good but my times with Scott were beyond words. I still smile at the fights because they were over fast. I grieve for all our love.

Today I read, "Life is a gift not a promise. Be grateful for everyday you have with each other. For you never know when it will be taken from you." I'm so grateful for the time we had together - amazing and unforgettable but I'm here trying to live without my partner. Alone just doesn't seem to be a good place for me to be right now. The TV is on and the computer is running and I only have 1.5 hours to go to bed and get up and start the day over again. I don't like living this way it isn't me. Just when I was finding who I am and was feeling like I was getting to a point of living forward - UGGG.

Worries

"I accept my mood swings as part of the process of healing." Daily Meditation on Grief

I have lots of these mood swings. Today was not any different. I don't like the change in medicines. I am back to being a yo yo. I miss the stable side of the med I was on. It was working. Now I'm not so sure that this is okay with me. It will get straightened out but not today. How do I keep getting through each day?

There are so many things that have happened over the last few months. I'm home alone this week again with the kitties. I don't know how to be any better tonight. I took a nap when I got home. I just wanted to sleep for the night but that didn't happen. I tried to eat but that didn't happen either. I think I'm really backsliding today. I sat and sobbed opening the mail. I just don't know how to feel. I think I was making progress but it really is true that it will rear it's ugly head when I least expect it.

I need a bunch of TLC but there isn't any here right now. I'm watching Big Bang theory right now and Leonard built a hugging machine. I need one of those. Loneliness is a bunch of crap. I think it will be a night of early to bed. Now let's see if sleep works for me and I wake up in a better place. The times of each of the steps of learning to live forward. I'm not even sure how to explain all of this. These emotions go back and forth. I'm living but I'm not sure sometimes what that means. I'm still in a place when I'm left alone for long periods of time I get crazy. I try to keep myself busy and do things but tonight is just sad place for me.

I don't want to bring others down but sometimes I just need to be entertained. I used to be so very good at that but for now I'm learning all over again. There is a place in life that I'm in but I still don't always understand this life I'm in. It is my life but I'm not so happy with it right now.

Rainbows

I haven't written for a few days. I've been in my own little world. Friday morning my blood pressure was really low when I was in the doctor's office. She changed my meds and I have to do some more tests because apparently telling her that I've had dizzy spells for years is not a good thing! Hmm. Okay we know I'm strange medically. We laughed and I told her we all have an expiration date stamped on us and we can't read it. Yes she told me I avoided mine two years ago. Yes I know I almost died and by everything she told me "I'm amazing!" So here I go around the medical tree again.

On Friday evening we drove to my parent's house again for the weekend. I picked up one of Hannah's friends who joined us and we made it just fine. It was nice to drive down with them. Before we left I had to stop by the pharmacy to pick up my new drug supply. I had a little trouble with them. There is this one chick in the pharmacy who is the worst in customer service. She always looks mad and the line always grows to beyond out into the other aisles. Hannah called my Mom on the way to tell her we were running a bit late but headed there. She started to say we stopped and were fighting with the pharmacy but it came out we were "farting" with the pharmacy! That was a good chuckle.

On Saturday I took my time getting out of bed. Then we went out on the boat. It was a fear I'd been combating. I don't like large bodies of water that you can't see down into but I did it. Last summer was so much fun with Scott and the girls on the boat. Holly and Hannah road the tube with my parent Shitzu lucky. It was so funny. When he was ready to get off he waved at me. When he got on the boat he does the whole titanic thing. It was okay. I was okay. We pulled into a cove close to the house. At first I didn't even want to get into the water but I finally did. I was struggling with that and flooded with images of my love. I hate the way he died. I hate that he died. I hate that I have to live forward but I have amazing support. There are so many people who are here to support Hannah and I in this painful journey.

They all went out on the boat again this morning but I stayed behind. I didn't want to be an early riser today either. Holly and I drove home into a funny rain. It was pouring on our side of the street and not on the other. We drove out of it and we could see more storms building. As I was driving I saw a rainbow form and grow. Then suddenly there was a second one. I stopped the car and took pictures. I felt his love with me. Then when I looked at the picture it was amazingly beautiful. I'm making it one step at the time.

I don't know how to breathe all the time. I don't know how to live all the time but I am conquering life one step at a time. I miss him with all my heart but he is always close by. There are so many things that happen in each day that reinforce to me how much we are connected and always will be connected. So I keep up with the good moments and the bad moments are dealt with. I will make it to a place that every moment isn't thinking about him. But geez the Scott toilet paper commercial makes me laugh and cry. Go figure.

Quiet night -

Busy Day. Lots to do. I took care of a bunch of things at work then got Hannah to the orthodontist 5 minutes late. They are always late but the one day I'm late I get a phone call two minutes after the time Hannah was to check in. Ugg. Go Figure. We made it through the appointment and then back to work for a while. Then off to counseling. She will be gone next week and I don't have the stress I had last time about going a week without seeing her. I love my medicine but I wish it would help me sleep.

We went by our fantastic wonderful insurance agent's office to pay our bill and start the process for finalizing the truck insurance stuff. It has been a hands off thing but now we can move forward. I am in a better place for the settling of all the financial stuff. I don't want too but it's what Scott wants. He knows I would always be there for him in life. "It will be ok, I love you." He will get me through anything in the afterlife. I release all my problems each day and pray for guidance and assistance to the next step. I have learned something new about myself. I like things organized and in place but I refuse to have others try to control me when I can't deal with stuff as well as I should. I have a responsibility to face my grief and pain head on. I refuse to reduce the physical life of the most amazing man to something that can only be computed by others in money. I would trade all of it in for Scott to hold me in his arms.

I have so much in my life that has changed me over the last few years but this is certainly the kicker. I will survive this for the moment but I have to continue the grief process and face my pain and sadness head on. I recognize the need for tears and time to just sit and stare off into space. It helps me get to a place that I can function. I will get there. I don't have a choice because apparently my expiration date isn't here yet. Now where's my massage gift certificate from my birthday. I think I need more TLC.

Working Hard

I'm so tired from not sleeping. I need to sleep and even taking the meds I'm not sleeping very well. So I'm going to head to bed now and read for a bit. I should try Scott's method of sleeping, read in the bathtub. I'd not be able to read my Kindle because I ruin it if I fell asleep and dropped it. I have a bookshelf full of books we had shared that are fully wrinkled after a trip or two in the bath.

I can't even begin to tell you how much I miss laughing and teasing him, amoung other things. He is physically gone but I feel him always. I went to see Fr. Brad at the Church this evening. It was a nice visit and next week I will go back to see him. I will attend Wednesday services as he leads them and see if I can find the Church home Scott and I had been searching for our own spiritual needs as a couple and as individuals. I know my relationship with God is strong. I am able to ask for help and guidance with love and light as I journey forward but I can do that anywhere. I just wish more people were able to realize the impact of the energy of love. I do my best to make it forward one step at a time and anything that I worry over I ask for help and continue to receive it. I thank God and my Angels each day for the love and support they give me.

As I was paying bills on one computer earlier, my other laptop switched into the picture screensaver mode. I was sitting on the couch and looked over and images flooded into my head, more then what I was viewing in the pictures. I could hear him talking to me as we did things together. I didn't break down and sob but the tears rolled down my cheeks as we shared memories together. I love him and miss him everyday. That won't change but I can't just stop living. I have to find myself and the inner power I have to be involved in my life. I can't just sit around and wait for my invisible expiration date to be with him. It isn't what he would want from me and I know he hasn't stopped sharing my life.

Sad or Good?

So I don't know if this is a sad state of my loneliness or the fact that I'm learning to work around the pain. I went back to work after my counseling session today and had trouble getting up from my desk to go home. Not that I didn't want to but I just didn't relish the thought of going home. Even though Hannah was here I was having a horrible missing Scott day. I wasn't crying because the new med has lowered that level. I hate that I have to use the med but right now it is as my counselor said "If you break your arm you wear a cast! The med is a cast for your emotions right now. It won't be forever!"

So I made it home and the roofing team was done. I checked the shed and it looked like they hadn't changed it out. How would I know that you ask? I'm very handy. Scott and I roofed the shed all by ourselves. It was quite comical and I do have pictures. The guys also left a battery and charger on the front porch. So is it sad that I was excited to call Jared. Hannah's comment must have struck a cord about my state of loneliness. He came by and walked around checking for nails, made sure that yes they did in fact roof the shed (still looks the same to me :D) He teased me about my shoeless state. He made me smile and laugh and I wasn't thinking about Scott the entire time. It was so nice to talk to someone in a normal conversation without feeling like the pain was so overpowering. So it isn't like I'm ready to date but flirting was fun. I don't even want to know if he is single right now but it was nice to talk and we didn't just talk about the weather and the roof!

So I don't know if I'm in a sad state or this was a good thing to feel. I don't know if the med is just giving me enough of PSYCHO management to feel like myself again. I felt like myself for 45 minutes, talking and laughing. When I came in I felt like I could actually go to the grocery store by myself. I didn't I made Hannah come along but the thought didn't cause a panic attack.

My day started out with an early morning wake up call but it was a nice day. When I went out to the car after the first drive in the bathrobe, not a pretty site, I was ready for work and on the car door was a flower. It was perfectly placed like I was meant to find it. I will take that as a sign. The radio did it's thing again. I will take that. Several other things happened today for me to know Scott is in his Heaven and I am part of his Heaven. He isn't very far away very often and when I talk to him I get answers. He wants me to be happy and he is guiding me each step of the way. I will love him forever. He was my other half but we didn't get very long together. I have to learn how to be happy in my life without his physical presence. I would have wanted no less for him. I don't have a choice and I'm not looking ever for someone to fill his shoes. That isn't possible but I can be social and let my life evolve. I didn't look for Mike. I didn't search for Scott. Life is what happened and I was happy. Mike and I are friends and had more then some people ever get but something was missing. I found that with Scott and now he is physically gone.

I have empty spaces in my heart where my future was supposed to be something different. My grief is for two things: the loss of Scott and the loss for myself. I will find myself in all of this and right now I must have the medicine cast for my broken heart. He wants me to be happy. I'm trying. I've never stopped trying because he wants me to be happy. The more I try the more I feel his love. He is here because he wants to be. He wants me to be happy and I will continue to let things happen. I will be the only one who will know that I can move another step in my living forward. Good or bad adult companionship was wonderful!

Pound Away

I had to get up really early to move my car out of the drive into the street this morning because they were finally starting the roof replacement. They weren't here when I left and apparently came later in the day. I got a text from Hannah telling me it was loud and the youngest kitty was going nuts. Well yeah she is always nuts anyway. I got home and they were working. They didn't finish but they made progress. No I just have to say in this process I have a strange assortment of neighbors. You know some of those "we go to Church every Sunday" but don't act like it all the rest of the week. So he calls to tell me that they need to move the trucks in the cul-de-sac because they blocked the mail boxes and oh some of the trash blew over the fence into my back yard.

I just shook my head. Okay well I didn't tell them where to park because I wasn't here. I'm just laughing. I called Mike he understood. Scott understood. He always killed 'em with kindness. So I passed along the message to the roofers. Yeah this same guy told me they sold shingles to put on the roof of the shed when we were building it. Really it is 100+ outside. We finally got the roof on it and now it gets replaced. There is something sad in that to me. Now this same neighbor can't even bother to offer to mow at anytime but can put a stake in the property line to tell Hannah she is mowing too far over. Tonight I was reading on a widows board where one woman went and bought lots of plates at Goodwill to break when she was angry at someone's stupidity! Hmmm I think I need a big box of plates.

Now in this day I made a decision to stay where I am at work and try to make it through. The person who stepped on me still doesn't get it all the way but she does realize she is up a creek without me. I left the option open for the other place but there were other signs. As I was sitting there trying to decide a man walked in to put in his application for a job and he was from the place I was going. He talked about what a mess it is there and all they are struggling with. I decided at least where I am I know what I have to fight.

When I got home I had a package from my fantastic circle of friends. Yes the circle of friends are a group of women from all over the country. We did a circle of scrapbooks over a year. It was an amazing process and some very wonderful friendships were built that continue to sustain me throughout this process. Also in the box was my warm hug in the form of a beautiful afghan. I've been cold since Easter Sunday. I wrapped into my blanket and Hannah wrapped her arms around me. I love her. She is my world now. Tons of pressure so I try to have other things in my life. I'm getting there. I'm not sure how but I am.

I had contacted a gentleman who writes a grief newsletter a few weeks ago. He is not from this area but lives here now and has contacts. He was amazingly helpful and found Fr. Brad at one of the Episcopal churches here for me. They are working on starting a grief support group and are trying to coordinate times. Fr. Brad and I talked for a bit of time and I set up an appointment for a visit with him. I'm not sure where I'm supposed to be but I am taking all the guidance I am handed. I know this is a place that our society doesn't have a grasp or understanding and that is a sad state of affairs. We need to be here. I have a job that I help others. I know about helping others but I need help and I try to accept it.

I make it each day. I have other worries in my life but I just work on each day. I got out of bed but when I got home I collapsed on the couch. I have stuff I need to do for work but I just can't get motivated. I want to feel again something besides pain. I don't cry every hour on the hour these days though so I know I have progress!

Passion of life

I'm so in a hole today. I haven't left the house. I don't want to leave the house ever. I will go to bed soon and then get up in the morning. I have to I don't get to hide. There isn't a place for me to hide and not a person to take care of me. I have to take care of myself and I don't want to. Somedays I feel like I don't exist anymore. Yes I'm still here physically but my spirit is so deflated. I don't know where I belong or what I'm supposed to do. Hanging out in the dark house on the computer watching TV seems to be a good place again today.

I must say it is lonely to be here. Now I know why I don't stay home on the weekends. I have stuff to do but I didn't do anything. I didn't do laundry. I didn't cook but Hannah did for me and handed me food. I'm so lost today. I'm hanging out on another Sunday. I hate Sundays now. I try to not think about them but they keep showing up. Time is going by but he is so much a part of my heart and soul. I just want my spirit to soar again.

I try to be me for some times of the day but I don't know who I am anymore. Life as I knew it forever changed. Now I have to be someone but after 40 years of becoming the person I was before April 4, 2010 at 7:30pm life is not joyful. We were happy, even when we had to deal with our baggage, we still loved the life we had created. I never had a day that I didn't know I was loved. He knew how much I loved him and the joy we had in all the moments of each day. The good and the bad were still joy. I'm just a bit lonely for the day. I felt his love just as I do everyday but I don't like the emptiness of not having his physical self. Passion just doesn't translate well from the other side.

Television Day

It's a Saturday and SURPRISE I'm at home. Hannah wanted to have a friend over and had a birthday party for another friend last night so we stayed home this weekend. I spent most of the morning in bed. It was an adjustment day for my medicine and it really made me drowsy. I laid in bed reading for some of the morning and enjoyed the comfort of my haven. I did get out of bed and I did shower. The owner of the roofing company stopped by to tell me they will get the new roof on Monday. Hannah asked me if he is cute and single. Um I don't know. I think my daughter has decided I need someone that me being alone isn't good. Maybe someday but I don't know the answer to that question right now.

We actually cooked dinner at the house tonight. We made our famous pizza and also our guacamole. Strange combo but hey it works for Hannah and I :D It's not like I'm cooking much. Wait I haven't really cooked in three months. I'm not sure how I can cook right now. It's not fun when I have no interest in anything. I wish I could find the spirit and joy inside of myself to enjoy an activity. I'm slowly doing things but I don't like life alone. It just seems so empty but I can smile and I can laugh around others. That hasn't ever hurt. I know Scott loved my smile and laugh. It just hurts to be missing my best friend and the crazy things we shared.

When I'm at my Mom's she makes me do things. When I'm home I don't really have to do anything and I know it's not good for me. I'm so not the best but I try to make myself do things. I enjoyed some movies today that Scott wanted to watch. The TV was always on when he was home and I liked to do things without it on but now I need the background noise. I don't watch it always or I glance at it while I'm playing games on Facebook. I look at it as progress though because I'm not just sitting and crying. I actually ate dinner, not much but I do eat. This continues to take time. I know Scott is around. Today as I was reading this was said, you are part of my Heaven." I know that I'm am part of Scott's Heaven. Our life together was exactly where he wanted to be. He told me that before he left the house the last time. He believed in our love and the life we shared together. He will protect me and love me to infinity and beyond.

More grief

Yesterday I thought oh I didn't get a phone call from my Aunt Tena for my birthday. This morning I woke up with that feeling of goneness. I knew she was leaving us today. I hate that I know these things before I'm told but if I gave it back I also would loose my feelings from Scott's visits. I got a text from my cousin to call him as soon as I could. I knew what he was going to tell me. He didn't want to have to tell me but he did. I called him back as soon as I could from my breaks in my meetings. We could barely get through the conversation enough to get the basics.

This woman was a huge part of my life. My Grandmother (paternal) died when I was ten. Tena was her sister and I grew up living three houses away from her. Her house was a haven. She was my grandma too! I spent hours and hours there. She would take care of me and we did all kinds of things together. On Sunday's we would load up in the car with the other sister's, the twins and go on a drive all over the southwest Missouri countryside. She was glue for all parts of our family. Not just me but the rest of her nieces and nephews. She was the coordinator of all the family news. She had an amazing life and cheered me into bigger and better places in my life. She always told me how proud she was of me.

She lived a long full life. She has been failing for years but she always remembered me. I always remembered her. She always said I was the closest namesake she would ever get. Now I have another type of grief again. The grief is different but it is still grief for me. If I weren't taking the new meds that cover my panic attacks, insomnia, pain and depression all in one hit I'd be on the floor in a ball. I recognize the need for help. I reach for help all the time but I really am angry at God right now. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to be good. Am I supposed to be an expert on grief because this is the fifth death in my family in just over a year. I understand the process. I don't know how I can help someone else because I have to keep picking myself off the ground.

Back to Work

I've been off on Medical leave for the last two weeks to get my meds somewhat straightened out. They still aren't quite there but I'm trying. While on leave I turned in my resignation and used a lot of prayer to help me choose to get out of a place that has two DGI's. That is a term I've learned on my widda forum for "don't get it" or my preference "dog gone idiot"! Here's your sign! I have learned that yes I have strength. I don't like the word but I have learned to walk forward to find myself. My life is forever different. I really am learning how to crawl, walk, talk all over again.

Tonight Hannah and Mike took me to dinner for my birthday. I'm so very lucky to have a friend in my exhusband. He and Scott were great friends. They understood how to get along and be there for not just me but for Hannah and Laynie. We talked about lots of things over dinner but as we were standing outside to leave there was a white Toyota Tundra sitting there. Hannah made a comment and I watched Mike get tears in his eyes. He and his wife had it on their list for looking at trucks but they removed it immediately and can't even test drive one! I'm not the only one who is struggling with seeing the number of that truck around. When Scott bought the truck we had to take it to show Mike right away. He was so excited. They were like kids talking truck. I'm so very lucky to have both Scott and Mike willing to be friends.

We ate PeiWei tonight. Scott started the tradition of always getting two fortune cookies for each of us. Hannah and I have continued this. I never understood why he did this except that he liked the sweets. So I had my two fortunes but as Hannah was reading one of hers she handed it to me and said, "this belongs to you!" I love my daughter. Wise beyond her years!

So with that tonight my three fortunes are:

1- Set the right example. It will inspire others.

2- (From Hannah) Hope is the most precious treasure to a person.

and I opened the final cookie to find this!

3- The best times of your life have not yet been lived.

I love you my heart is what I heard in my head after I opened that last fortune. I know he is here. Protecting me and guiding me because I have prayed for him to continue to do so until I can find my feet and learn who I am in my new life.

It's My Day

Well I don't know if I started the day off right but I did start it. I had three hours of sleep. I was awake and couldn't doze off again. I dislike the insomnia but I'm working on it. I headed to my morning MD appointment to get the panic attacks, depression and insomnia addressed. By the way the weight loss is up to 26 lbs, not a diet for anyone to use, but with no appetite it is hard to make myself eat. We have tried with other meds but this time it is something new. I, of course, showered before I went. It is a place of connection for me with Scott. I pray and meditate there each time I'm there. I have a new ritual that is a combination of things from Scott and then my own stuff. Today I prayed for many angels to support me and guide me.

I got it all today. Scott sent me so many Angels to hold me up. I got so many I can't even tell you all of them. After the MD I went to drop off my script at Wal-mart. Hey I can do that without help! While there my dear friend, Lisa called me and invited Hannah and I to lunch. I roused the sleeping child from here beauty rest and picked her up. There is a new place that we tried. I stole the idea from my young birthday neighbor and her choice yesterday! Five Guys Burgers was good. The company was even better. True friends really do support you in your time of need.

I was supposed to return to continue my Bank battle but the time got away from us we were having such a nice visit. Lisa and her antics of life really make me smile. She reminds me of Scott's love of life. I need to hang out with her more. So I missed the bank but then it was time for the dentist. I have used the same dentist for so many years it is tough to count. We have attended church together and his staff is fantastic. Who would expect one of my Angels for the day to be him. Scott had also become one of his patients in the last several years so he knew him too.

Jeff had sent a sympathy card immediately after our loss of Scott, so I thanked him. The tears of course are rolling down my cheeks as he tells me he prays for me daily. He then takes the bib and wipes my tears. Fast forward through the Hannah consult and as we are leaving we get hugs from him and the hygentist. I treasure my Angels of today. He honestly told me to call if I needed anything.

Now I do have more Angel visits today in the way of my parents and my niece. They weren't supposed to make it today because my stepBob had a colonoscopy this morning and they weren't planning on being here. They finished early and were able to make the drive up to take us to dinner. Hannah kept asking me where I wanted to eat. I kept saying I had no clue but I did finally pick my favorite food! Let's say it all together - MEXICAN :D So today I had both of my favorite foods :D

I made it through the day. I kept myself busy and I had my Angels supporting me. We all have it in us to be and Angel to someone for the day. Take that a pass it on. Love someone without conditions. So today I made it through the first birthday of my new life. That means I'm not really 41 today :D I get to start counting over with the wisdom and love from my memories and taking it one day at a time. I missed my birthday kisses at midnight but I feel them in my heart. We had five spectacular birthday celebrations together each year better then the one before. He shared with me and will continue to be here until we meet again.

Happy Birthday to me!

Small Stuff

Yeah right it is hard to not sweat the small stuff when it all adds up. I've been fighting with the stupid customer service phone people at Bank of America about my mortgage for over six weeks. Today I finally just gave up and went into the bank and wow they couldn't even find my stuff in the computer. Oh but don't you know the mortgage people they got on the phone could find my account. I have to go back again to get them to figure it all out.

I don't know what I'd be doing without my counseling because that got me through some thoughts in my head about my life today. I go back to the doctor tomorrow to change some of my meds. I hope it gets me out of some of this funk but I really don't think the loss of my other half will just go away with meds. This morning I crumbled into the floor of the bathroom and sobbed. I don't understand why he is gone and I do know I will never understand why but it doesn't make the pain stop. It comes in waves but I can't understand any of this.

Hannah took me to see Eclipse tonight and I kept thinking of Scott. When Edward proposed I closed my eyes and remembered the love in Scott's face as he asked me to be his wife. He loves me and I won't ever see that look again. He never stopped loving me. He told me everyday. I keep asking for his help and guidance to love me and get me through all of this.

There is a new movie coming out with Julia Roberts called Eat, Pray, Love. A true story of a woman's own journey to find herself. I'm on the journey but I don't like where I'm going with this. I have choices to keep making but some days I just want someone to run over me with a bulldozer. No I'm not throwing myself out in front of one but geez can someone keep the piles to a minimum for me for the rest of my life!

I Know

I know lots of things. I used to know even more but these days I have to keep reminding myself that I am intelligent. I know that I drive the car Scott picked out for me. I know he would only buy his truck after I okayed it. I know I wear the rings he picked out for me. I know I sleep in an empty bed. I know I stand in his closet and cry. I know I miss my best friend, my love and the person I could tell all my good news and bad news without judgement. I know I miss being held, touched and kissed. I know I can stand in my driveway and look up at the shed and hear him giving me grief while we were putting shingles on the darn thing. I know I have managed to get to the grocery store with Hannah. I know Scott wanted the best in life for us. I know we had that and now it's gone.

I know I had the life I wanted, the life we picked together. I know that life is gone. I know I have to live forward but I don't always know what that means. I know there is a higher power, God who isn't mean but forgiving and loving. I know there are things in my life I have to hand over and not worry about. I know I'm not sure what I'm doing these days. I know everyone keeps telling me time will tell but I know I have moments of wishing, anger and pleading to give me my life back. I know I still have my beautiful daughter. I know I have fantastic parents who let me hang out with them so I'm not lonely in our home. I know I have a loving supportive family and friends who will get me to a place in my life that I can find a new kind of happiness.

I know I'm making progress because I know I'm learning how to hide myself from the rest of the world. I know my smile doesn't reach my eyes and I know I will keep trying. I know I kiss Scott goodnight every night and hug my pillows knowing how much he loves me. I know I will love him for the rest of my life on earth and I KNOW WE WILL BE TOGETHER AGAIN, just not today.

Happy 4th

I'm so lost on this fourth but I'm out of bed. I can get to happy memories today without being horribly sad. I pulled up pictures from our trip to South Padre Island last year. Our plans for this holiday were quieter but now it is super quiet. We worked really hard to enjoy our time together. It wasn't a chore but sometimes we had to take baggage along with us. It wasn't always easy to work through the stuff but we did it. I don't like the anger I have at myself for the things we fought over.

I left the house tonight because my mom made us. We went down to one of her neighbors and watched fireworks. Hannah and I laid on a blanket under the giant Texas sky. One of my absolute favorite memories with Scott does involve fireworks. The last night in Disneyworld watching Wishes. I always made a wish but that one won't come true. I need to find a new one someday.

Right now I'm trying to figure out how to sleep without meds. Not going so well. I close my eyes and try to sleep but I awake to nightmares. I guess I have questions that can't be answered by me ever. This is true trauma. To know I'm the one who was powerless. He always forgave me when he was alive, the afterlife is not any different. I know in my brain I couldn't stop him but my heart I want to turn back the clock. I know I can't do that either.

So under the night sky at three months I looked for reminders of him. I don't have to look very hard my love is never far from my heart.

Football

So our NFL Sunday ticket automatically renewed today and I called and cancelled it. I couldn't see spending that money each month for something that was for Scott. I watch my Chiefs but I don't have to spend the money. We watched together but I don't see doing that know. I can watch all the old movies I want to now and it sucks. As the current book I'm reading, "Love Lives On" by Louis LaGrand, says to deal with all of the emotions I am feeling in the primary grief but also in what he refers to as secondary grief. Secondary grief come in hundreds of different ways but he groups them into categories.

These categories are financial, social, physical, intellectual and deeply emotional losses. I'm dealing with them all. I think that is what makes living forward so very hard but I really am trying. Each day presents a new challenge that I have to face. If I don't I get lost in my own world. This book also suggests to do exactly what I have done naturally; read books on grief and the afterlife! Who knew I was so smart about this already. I didn't! I'm just trying to learn to cope.

Bemoan not the departed with excessive grief. The dead are devoted and faithful friends; they are ever associated with us. - Confucius

Everyone can master grief be he that has it. - William Shakespeare

The second quote is from my daily meditation on grief book. It also suggests that when someone tells you that you should have gotten over it by now to calmly quote the above and seem like quite the scholar. I actually found myself laughing at the thought of some of the people who have said that to me. I know the problem is for them not enough brain power so what good would that quote do. Yes I'm smiling.

Today I faced many secondary challenges but I had a great comfort from a friend for the last 20+ years. She and I have not lived in the same State since college but she told me she was sorry she didn't get to meet Scott in person. I told her she would have approved because he treated me kindly and always wanted the best for us. She knows all my life secrets. I don't know what to make for the future, not yet but someday. I continue to use this as a place to remove all that I fear and find all that I love in my life. Scott's presence and love continue to help me live forward and our memories will forever travel with me.

My friend assured me I am still who I was but I have a greater presence in life. I know this will help me find myself and be the person I need to be. Scott's heart is part of my own. Our souls knew from the moment we met we already knew each other and someday our souls will meet again. There are many people in life we can be connected to in this way but the willingness to be open to the experience is powerful. Scott was just one of those people. I have many other friends and family who are also part of my soul.

Medicines

My research and reading today have led me in several directions. I realized when reading the side effects of the med prescribed by my MD to assist with my inability to actually sleep for the last 12 weeks is compounding a bunch of my other symptoms. Armed with that knowledge I realized that I don't just have to deal with grief I have to deal with traumatic grief. It doesn't change how I'm feeling but reading the descriptions makes far more sense to how I have to continue to attempt to find coping strategies. That there will never be timelines to any of this.

The most amazing thing that I have to find comfort in the world is that we were able to find him. That I know it in my heart he needed me to find him. Now does that make any of moving forward easier? I can say yes and no to that question. I have had the other kind of grief - expecting, grieving while you slowly watch the person you love fade away. Now to the no answer. The shock of losing in an instant a person has all kinds of other feelings attached to it.

The article I read today on this specific subject addresses how to help with those who are dealing with sudden death of a loved one. I was amazed that I am doing the things I'm supposed to do to help myself. For others to assist it says the hardest time will not be at the beginning but after a few months is when support is most needed. I see that for myself. I got through the beginning on pure shock. Now I have to face life and all that goes along with it. I have saw some family this week and I have to tell you not one of them mentioned Scott to me. That was the hardest thing for me. I know they care but I want to hear about him and how much he loves me. It feels like the world is moving forward and I'm left with my own memories and I don't want to experience the loss of those too.

I see little things that will always remind me of him. Last night Hannah got the golf cart stuck in the mud at my parent's house with my nieces. I could hear Scott laughing and trying to help. He would have helped Hannah. I sat and held the baby of my cousin on my lap while the rest of them went to help Hannah. I quietly spoke to Scott and all of the sudden the baby looked up a bit and puckered her lips in a kiss and jabbered at the air. It was just the two of us sitting on the porch waiting on the rest of them. He isn't ready to leave us for long. He wasn't ready to leave when he did but he didn't have a choice. He will help me get through this nightmare, this living nightmare. Now I just have to figure out how to sleep because like all the meds I've ever taken my body just doesn't know what to do with them.

Kindness

Life goes on. Yes it does! Do I want it to each day? Not really but I don't have a choice. I don't like the days I start out bad but like I've said before I work myself to a point where I make my only goal of getting out of bed.

Tragedy is a place I would never wish on another soul but we will all be there at some point. It doesn't just have to be a horrible car accident. There are so many ways each of us can be touched my this part of life. In theater there are tragedies and comedies. I prefer the comedy. I can make the smiles easier then I used to be but the panic attacks are still here. I had reached a point where I wasn't having them as often actually almost never but that changed last week.

Today I made a choice to change my life. I have had a week to think about it and I'm okay because I got to make the choice. If you ever touch a person in life who has been where I've been don't judge them by how fast or slow they are taking this process. There is no expiration date on grief! It's not like the milk in the fridge, it just can't be dumped because someone tells you that you have to leave it at the door.

I'm trying to empower myself. I do have an inner strength but it waivers at times. That doesn't make me a bad person and well I can tell you I don't have to be sorry that my grief makes you recognize life is short. You can live to be 93 and in the scope of life it is short. I choose to walk myself to a place that I can understand who I am while I'm helping others. My light in my soul has a dimmer switch. The energy will be found but for now I am okay with being on low.

I challenge each of you to find a person in your life, besides me and do something that makes their day better. Don't ask for anything in return because then your soul will be receive a reward! This is my life. I have to live in it but I have free will to make choices that will lead me to a better day.