New Habits

I find myself doing things at times I never would have done before. We all have little things we have picked up from other people but I now have habits that weren't ever mine. I, however, used to make fun of Scott for some of these things and I find myself doing them. Not because of anything I understand. I don't find comfort in them but it is like an intuition, a voice, a feeling asking me to do this. I'm sitting here right now doing one of them. I'm not paying attention but the TV is on the Baylor football game. I mean really I know he's heard of Angels in the End zone. We always talked about stuff like that so why am I sitting here with the game on the TV he can have front row seats. I think there really has to be something to the power of love and that bridge into the spirit world.

Ok so I know the difference would be our actual rear ends planted in seats in that stadium. I'm not really a fan of college football. I like high school and NFL but I don't watch the college stuff. I just don't know why I'm still sitting here with it on. The remote is right next to me but when I try to change it I hear, "I'm watching that!"  Okay I will leave it on. Now the other things I don't get are really strangely personal but seem to be an odd connection. I will just keep going, it's not even worth analyzing. There is so much that I don't understand in my life but I just take it as always one day at a time.

My day was a bit better. I know when I need a break. I know when I need a pick me up. Sometimes I don't understand how or when that will happen but it will usually arrive. I have the bestest people in my life. Even on the days when they unintentionally give me a grief moment. The same people then bring me out of it without ever knowing. Fate is an amazing part of life we don't get to understand. I think over the years I have learned the more you fight where you are supposed to be the more push you get to be where you are supposed to be. I think the only fight I have now is when I become overwhelmed with where fate has dumped me and I have to shut down for a bit. I try not to be angry. I have more tears then anything else but yesterday I think I would have punched someone really hard yesterday. I don't have those moments much but I did know it when it was happening.

Oh well I got over it. I made it through the anger and moved back into smiles. Now Baylor really needs the Angels in the End Zone not sitting here on my couch making me watch a college football game. This is a night I don't mind hanging out on the couch with my music and my book. I'm not so bored in a bit of me time. But I guess it is the season of bowls, college football bowls games that is. How do I know I'm such a silly mood now. I guess it is better then my angry mood last night. So here is my thought for the day:

Anyone can carry his burden, 
however hard, until nightfall. 
Anyone can do his work, 
however hard, for one day. 
Anyone can live sweetly, patiently, lovingly, purely, 
till the sun goes down.
And this is all life really means.
~Robert Louis Stevenson

Night my friends. I love you all even in my crazy bipolar moments!

My Seven Dwarfs

I'm such a bipolar person today. Up and down, around and around. Whatever world. Let's just say I'm trying but really world do you have to be so full of to put it bluntly - shit! I'm not sure what the point of some of the stuff I see is about. I don't really care anymore. I just want to have a life that matters. I think it sucks that I get to live in this half life but honestly I am trying. I have so much to be happy about. My life didn't end and I know how important it is to keep going. I know I matter but really spent to much time alone with myself today. That makes me so melancholy.

Then I get the texts from H that she cleaned the house just so her boyfriend can come over for a bit. They miss each other and can only spend time together chaperoned. They mowed the yard and we went to diner. When we came home he wanted to see some of Scott's baseball cards. I love that he was talking sports. I miss those moments of being bored to death by repeat conversations. Who knew the moments were so magical. The kids were goofy off and Hannah challenged him to arm wrestling. Which is hysterical because she is such a weakling and kept losing. Oh to have those moments again with Scott. I miss being silly and fun.

See bipolar. I'm smiling and laughing with them and crying inside. I know he would have loved spending time with the kids too. I know I would have to remind him not to take over the conversation and let the kids spend time together. Now I get to sit on the couch with a computer as the kids are "stargazing" sitting out by the pool. So let's see what do I get to do with my life. I don't get to have a romantic weekend at our favorite place. I don't get a kiss in the middle of the day or a lunch date. I just keep trying. I find silly ways to amuse myself but it just isn't quite as much fun as sharing with someone. I try. I guess whatever! I guess it should be right but I just don't think I will ever be in a place to live more. I look at 'matches' and I can't imagine dating anyone else. I don't even want to know. So I guess I'm where I'm supposed to be tonight with my own seven dwarfs, Grumpy, Cranky, Crappy, Tearful, Lonely, Fat, Lazy and Frowny. I just so love these rollercoaster moments as I was sadly reminded today that I have no life and get to once again just remember kissing in the new year!

Braver Than You Believe

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... 
there is something you must always remember. 
You are braver than you believe, 
stronger than you seem, 
and smarter than you think. 
But the most important thing is, even if we're apart...
I'll always be with you.”
― A.A. Milne


I'm so lost without him but I can hear his heartbeat when I sleep, I can feel his touch and see his smile. I'm lonely but I know what I'm supposed to do and be and achieve. I'm focusing on the hear and now. I'm trying to keep going and fly. He just wants me to learn and live. I'm getting there and I'm proud of myself for coming so far in the last months. I am not alone. I don't know what I would be doing without some very important people in my life. I just have to remember I'm braver then I know, stronger then I feel and smarter then I realize. 


I have moments that I have moments that are a struggle to hold it all together but I don't know if that will ever change. I have decided I'm going to try to be all out there. The one thing I want to do is achieve the things we set out to do together. I am making it my priority to live and love. I will conquer my fears and leap. It may not be from a plane physically but living life sure feels like it could be. 

Join me for the thrill of living life. Join me in capturing the moments of magic and love. I promise no matter the end result the experience will be worth it. I know that as I keep living and finding moments of silliness and laughter that living matters. I don't know how I feel or what I do to get out of bed most days but I just keep trying. I have to matter to someone out there. If I'm not around somebody will notice. Those are the words I say to myself. When Hannah isn't here it is harder because I don't know how long it would be if I didn't make a silly statement or send a funny text or email. I feel the need to be completely alone but I've such a goody goody that I don't want to worry anyone. 

So here we go. Let's make this life worth the journey. Let's keep the moments that matter alive and going. I have a list to conquer and I feel a strange need to get it done quickly. There is an urgency like in the tasks Scott had on his to do list that last month he was alive. I'm so grateful that we got to do so many things together. I have the memories to keep me going. There will be a day when all I will have will be my memories and I want to know I did the most I could do in the little time I have been given here in this part of my life! I want to share the love and laughter that Scott taught me how to experience. Magic! Bring It On!!!

Gift Giving

Tis the season to be incredibly busy! I think this year is crazy because of the great time had by all going all the way to the State playoffs. Who knew adding three more games to our season could make such a difference. For me it was the perfect thing I needed. It kept me occupied without dwelling on Christmas. Now here we are! Someplace completely different. I need to be here. Actually I just needed to be anywhere except home. It is still a bit much to handle but I have learned coping mechanisms.

Isn't that really what this whole crappy grief process is about, COPING? I don't miss him less. I don't love him less. I don't wish he was right here everyday less. I don't smile at the thought of him less. I don't look for him everywhere less. I just cope better. I had a great lunch today with one of Scott's friends from college on our way here. She is now my friend too. I think Scott knows what he is doing when certain people have been brought into my life. I still feel like he's here gently reminding me how to just be me. I am learning how to be me more and more again each day.

Last night we had our family/friend Christmas and I was laughing the deep tears rolling down my face laugh at the dog, Lucky's antics. Today my Mom sent me a text telling me how good it was to see me laughing again. I've never really stopped laughing but it is easier now. When we got to the hotel tonight I was myself with the bellman/valet. My flirty smiling self. I have realized how much of myself I have been missing. Scott is still with me. He always will be but I'm not hiding behind him so much anymore. When he was alive I didn't hide behind him, we were equals. Our relationship was based on trust and love. There were never moments when I doubted his love just the rest of the crap from others trying to interfere. I don't ever want to play the martyr. I am stronger then that type of person. I don't want to be poor pitiful her for the rest of my life. I'm trying to be out there.

I have also not been working so hard at trying to make my life move faster. To get back to what I lost. That life is gone. I've always known that just don't like it. My life is new, maybe not improved, but different then I expected. A friend of mine and I were having a discussion about his calender being changed because of others. He is very task oriented and wants to get things done but has to accept when it doesn't always work that way. He was very stressed on Monday and as I watched him I could feel exactly what he was experiencing. We are both the same type of personality and it is hard to step away from those moments. I know the biggest thing I can share with others it the importance of here and now. I may have to accept my fate that I am where I am supposed to be even if I don't like it. I have to keep learning to find the memory making moments of where I am for now. We both matter to our kids and if we don't take care of ourselves who will be there for them?

So with that I'm glad I have spent the day with Hannah traveling. We are taking the time to make new memories. I'm glad I get to include others along the way. I'm proud of myself for being out there and not just hiding away. I'm proud of myself for not making up rules for my life because I'm afraid of my past. I have made mistakes and I will make mistakes but giving and receiving of love in the right ways can never be a mistake. I hope Hannah and all my friends and family know that it is with all my heart I give them love. It may be in a hug, a random act of kindness or even a silly inside joke gift but it is always done with love. It is always done with the intention of making someone have a better day. I don't hide behind walls. I am just me waiting with open arms.

Success is Sweet

I put the gifts in the boxes and I've wrapped one. I'm sitting here watching sappy Christmas love movies feeling sorry for myself remembering what it was like sitting here with Scott after each box was wrapped getting a kiss as he put on the name tags. "Life is worth living and when you follow your heart good things happen" is what the television is telling me. I know what my heart says but it is time I can't control. I know how to manage time. I can teach you how to remember time but I can't change you or time. I can't go back and I can't make the time go faster. I'm living in each moment.

Last night I sat here watching the lights, curled up on the couch and dreaming. I had finished watching movies and it felt good to just be here but lonely too. I miss so much and I'm trying to find the happiness in all the moments of my life. That means I have to face the quiet alone times of the holidays just as much as the frantic business of the past. I used to be the one that got everything done for everyone else. I miss those moments being there like that. The family, the love, the magic of the memories. I have regrets of the things that didn't get done but I do have the memories of all the amazing moments we shared. As I was sitting here dreaming Scott's stocking started moving. The ceiling fan is off and there isn't a breeze in the room. I know the answer. I wasn't truly alone. My house is always full of  love even when it is full only me.

On Friday night our football team came in second. That is nothing to be disappointed about! They played hard, they tried hard and they are amazing. They shouldn't be sad they should know that next year the success will be even sweeter. How could it not be? I think I keep trying to look at my life the same way. We almost made it. I had a great taste of the life I have always wanted. It will be that much sweeter when I reach that point. It is worth the wait. I may have been alone last night but I know I'm not. I'm learning about the sweetness of all my moments of life. I know I am loved. I know it will all happen. Isn't it true that good things happen to those who wait. I know I'm worth it! I'm a good thing!

Not a Tear Well Maybe for One Song

You see there are these things I've done in the last few days that I never thought I could get through without crying every moment. I still feel the tears but I can keep them in better check. You see it started on Friday night with a football win, then into Saturday night with a home grown Heisman Trophy winner. I felt the tears and I couldn't stop them but I got busy. I forced myself into nonstop action. I baked and baked and well baked. I stood in the kitchen for hours on end for the better part of two days. You see that is me. That is my normal. I didn't really have the initial desire but I decided I needed to keep busy and MAKE myself be part of the things I love to do for Christmas.

Hannah told me I was turning into a chocolate chip. I guess at one point I was covered in chocolate. I laughed and said I just needed a chocolate massage. I felt like myself. Working on a project with my hands that comes from my heart. I am at my best doing things for others. I always said I would have made the perfect 50's housewife. Maybe in a previous life there is a smidgen of truth. I didn't know baking could make me feel so much lighter emotionally. The funny part is when I bake I don't eat. Go figure! Baking could be my diet plan. I made gifts for all my staff and a few special people in my world. I hope I made their days a bit brighter with a few little goodies.

Then it was time for the Fall Holiday Concert for the Band. I have been dreading this moment but love to hear the kids perform. They are amazingly talented and can warm the heart. I cried the entire time last year. I realized today when we were with a patient that I don't carry tissue with me everywhere I go anymore. I think that is the best Christmas gift I could have ever given myself. So our Band Director chose some of my very favorite music for the Season. I was smiling and applauding. My heart was full of love and happiness. It was as I keep saying, music is a gift from Angels. My Angel seems to know just what gifts to give to me. I shouldn't be surprised he did alive too.

There was only one moment where I started to lose my control on my tears but I felt the love from the kids in the beautiful music they created. There is so much peace and joy in this world. I'm really trying to find all those moments that make my world special. Tonight was one of those nights. I want the kids to know the gifts they give with their music made the world a little bit more special for me tonight. I miss Scott everyday but I am trying to make what time I have here on Earth matter. There will never be another Scott but that doesn't mean my life ended. I may feel it so often but maybe the choice is to just keep baking when I feel that powerful loss. I know at least one person I can ply with chocolate. Now back to decking the halls and all that falalala!

Joy of Giving

I love days like yesterday and today that I know Scott would be dancing, cheering and on cloud nine. Our football team is going to Sate and RGIII wins the Heisman Trophy. I just have this really big feeling he would be stalking about town trying to get a glimpse!  I like the moments of joyful reminders. I wish everyday could be like this. I just keep smiling and knowing the feeling like Heaven has to be closer then we can see.

I know how much I have to keep believing. Not just in my Angel but where I am in my life. I know if I keep focused on where I need to be the great things in life happen. There are moments where it is bittersweet but I know the silver lining is still there too! Lots of lives have changed as dramatically as mine have and those people also had choices to make. I'm getting there. I promise I am.

Today Hannah and I went to do some Christmas shopping. I found the perfect gift for a friend just by accident. I wasn't looking but I looked down and there it was. I am trying to believe in the Magic that is Christmas for me. Scott got the importance of those moments for me. I like the gift of giving and not just the gift itself. For me the gift includes the thoughts and love that make each gift just right. It may have just been an accidental moment today but I must have had something in my heart already to just know in an instant it was the right gift. I'm trying to find that Magic that has been buried in my heart.

Tomorrow I'm going to try to put up the tree with Hannah. I think we both need the feeling that we are being embraced. The love is in all the ornaments from our lives. The tree isn't just something that stands there but it is an emotion. The stockings are made with love not just something I bought. Christmas is here and for me it is about love. The spirit of love is all around and I have to believe there will be more for me. I will make it back into the Magic. I just miss knowing Scott got how important finding the right gifts was for me. I miss sharing my love with someone who gets me, someone who appreciates what I give of myself to provide joy, love and happiness to others. That little bit of me is showing through. I just can't be afraid of the possibility of pain. If I don't give how can I ever learn to receive the love again? There is so much joy for me in giving.

Jump

"Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have or could have had. No one lives forever."


I got a big dose of reality this morning. There was a horrific car accident on the highway. It was in the southbound lane as I was traveling north. I realized tonight when Mike brought Hannah home what I saw was bad enough but compared to what he saw was worse. He saw the flames and the truck on fire. He was driving past as an explosion occurred in the fire of the vehicles. I saw the aftermath of the fire and the accident. I was immediately in tears. I never want to see an accident where someone dies again. It sent me all back to watching them pull Scott out from the pond in his truck. I'm afraid of the emotions of grief still. I survive and live. I enjoy my life and those in my life. I smile, laugh, flirt and laugh but I'm still afraid of the moments when my emotions come out unchecked. I am truly thankful for the moments that I am alone when my tears happen. 


There are points that I want to take the risks but I'm afraid. I know things about life. I have a connection to answers I don't always understand but the part of taking the risks anymore. There is a part of life where I have to come out of this back into who I truly am. I know Scott wants me to take the leaps of faith into life but I know I have to be ready to accept all that means. Scott took the leap and I flew with him. I know there will never be another relationship like that in my life. I can say with all honestly I don't want that type of relationship again. Scott promised me so much and the only time he failed was the day he didn't come home alive. I know he didn't truly fail though because he taught me what love is all about. What it means to be in a grown up forever type of relationship. You can really have it all. It doesn't matter the circumstances of life that put people together. The piece that matters is to grab what is right in front of you and go. 


I don't ever want to look back on my life and wonder what might have been. I know I am where I am supposed to be, most of the time, because I have taken chances and made choices. I have made a choice but I have also learned I can't get be the one to make choices for others. The pieces of my life matter to me. I know I matter to others but sometimes it is hard waiting for the new pieces to fall into place. For the things you know and where you want to be it is worth taking a chance because once again I was shown today that no one lives forever. Reach for it all! Don't be afraid of what  you life has been, don't hold the past against your future, live in all the moments of today!!

Hammering Away

Look at a stone cutter hammering away at his rock, perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it.  Yet at the hundred-and-first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not the last blow that did it, but all that had gone before.  ~Jacob A. Riis




I have a project I've been working on for 20 months today! You see I didn't even realize it until this afternoon that today was the day we found Scott, 20 months ago. I've been sick. I love having no immune system. I get whatever goes around. I slept most of the day and this afternoon I woke up from a dream with Scott present. It was one of those very real moments that I just know he was there. This time my dream took place in the supermarket. Seems crazy but we all know that I am that! I wouldn't have it any other way. Being a little bit crazy and silly makes life so much easier to live. Anyway, in the supermarket we were sharing our moments like we always had when all of the sudden he took my hand and placed it into another's. It was like he was telling me there is more to my life to come.


I know there is more but I also miss those moments with him. So I keep chipping away like the stone cutter at living life. I'm not giving up even though there are thousands of moments where I would gladly give up but I don't. Even sick I'm living. Hey and the good thing is I've found a cute doctor who knows I know what I'm talking about when I'm sick. I was awake laying reading my current little romance novel when the book talks about the main female character losing her husband and dealing with her grief. The lead male and her love interest are discussing life after loss. When the lead male tells her, "you will always love him as that part of your life but you love me in the here and now. I respect that love." Gotta love a well written romance novel! 


Isn't that what life is all about, living in the here and now? I have moments where I dwell on the what ifs and whys of my life but I'm continuing to live. I still have hurdles like the grocery store but apparently in my dream there will be another to love me through that task. I love how the messages seem so very real. I don't know how the world works or what is just over that bridge but I have to believe there is more to life then we can see. I feel the power so often. I matter to those who have crossed. I feel the love and know I will be able to conquer the things in my life that still feel impossible 20 months later. I have to believe because someday soon I will hit that stone for last time and break through. I just have to keep trying. Love matters! I will be there in the store laughing, loving and living. Now to the current task - CONQUERING THE CHRISTMAS TREE!!!

Leftovers

I went to bed at 3:30 yesterday afternoon and got up at 11:00 this morning. Somewhere along the way I think I got out of bed and ate a cupcake or two or three but for the most part I slept. Exhaustion was the only word that fit the bill for me. Today I didn't do much. I did work for a few hours. Thank goodness for laptops and remote access. Can I get out of doing 16 hour workdays this week? I hope so  because I do need a break. I feel vacation planning coming on.

Today my biggest achievement was cooking for myself. That is two weekends in a row that I have cooked for myself. Wow is all I can say. Normally I do the quick drive thru or my favorite, PBJ but nope I cooked actual food from scratch. A recipe that I have tweaked over the years. The hardest part about cooking is leftovers. I'm not much into leftovers but there are a few things I will eat that way. I really miss cooking. The thing about cooking is that it is more fun when someone else enjoys what you create. Or when it's not the best then will tolerate the oops and smile.

I guess I could have done some other things today but it is nice to just hang out on the dark dreary day. I watched a movie but couldn't wrap my brain around reading today. I could have decorated for Christmas but it's not something I want to even attempt alone. It doesn't mean nearly as much without the family joy. I'm not so sure how to take care of this chore this year. I am very task oriented and when I do set my mind to tackling the to do list I achieve greatness but not with things like this. Christmas shouldn't be a chore. It should be full of fun, laughter and love.

I'm trying. I know where I want to be and one day at a time I'm getting there. I'm trying not to be sad and lost in the world. It doesn't work all the time but I'm trying. I'm cooking I guess that is a huge step into the right direction! Let's see what else I can make. I guess I will have to take a trip to the grocery store with Hannah soon though because the cupboard is bare. That is another thing I have to conquer all my own someday but not today. One more step at a time. That is what my days are all about.

Christmas Marketing

Welcome to the Season of "What the H*&& am I doing here?" Yes I'm so happy to celebrate. Can you hear the sarcasm in my typing? Actually it's not all true. I love driving around alone listening to the beautiful Christmas music of Silent Night and others while enjoying the twinkle of the magical lights. Those are the moments I feel the connection to the reasons that are really why we celebrate. What I'm sick of is the marketing, commercials and stuff of cranky, crabby people.

I want my Christmas joy back. I want to be able to put up ALL of my decorations and feel the love and laughter. To lay under the tree listening to the Holly channel, looking up at the lights holding hands. It doesn't help that I'm the only one left in the house who cares about the magic of Christmas. I would sit for hours if I could looking at the lights and magic of the joy in my heart. How do I capture that joy again? I'm worn out. I guess the decorations will stay in the spot in the garage for a while longer.

The funny thing is I can't stop buying ornaments. I have an ornament for every occasion. I have bought at least 10 new ornaments this year! Hard to believe but right now they are hanging out in the boxes and bags they came in. I'm afraid of the memories in the box. I know they will be easier then they were last year but it doesn't mean I won't cry. I'm a mess and that is all there is to it. I don't think I will ever not be a mess. I can smile real big, tell you I'm good, life is better and move like a whirl to get the day done but that doesn't change the big picture of where has the real me gone? Where has my joy and fun gone?

Oh well I guess I've lost my rose colored glasses of life. Oh well I guess I will keep it going, just not doing Christmas on my own. I guess I get to be a bit grinchy again this year. In my own time right? I'm better then I was last year. Who knows in 50 years I might enjoy the season once again. I will get things going in my time. This isn't my time for the tree and stockings hung with care. This isn't time for my lights and twinkles. I may watch my White Christmas over and over but you won't catch me singing along and loudly to the Christmas carols in my car. My only goal this year is to continue to put one foot in front of the other.

Games

That which a man willingly shares, he keeps.
That which he selfishly keeps, he loses.
       - Anonymous

Scott and I used to play games. Not emotional games. I'm not that kind of person. You know when I love you and I'm an all in kind of person. Scott was very much the same way. I was remembering today disappearing in his eyes and how wonderful that feeling is to have, to share. That place that connection. No Scott and I used to play real games. Yahtzee, Trivial Pursuit, and of course Toystorymania on the Wii. I was looking for the cat the other day and I found two of the games under the bed. I'd forgotten they were there. It is funny the things that trigger great memories. I left them there. It's not like I need to put them back in the game closet. They aren't much fun to play by yourself. It wasn't the games, however, that made me smile. It was the competitiveness that was part of our relationship. We were always trying to outdo each other. The fun part was there was never a loser. We could spend all day together working, keeping life professional but still have that competitive drive to tease and torture each other without others knowing it was going on. 

I think about all the things we could say or do an no one else would understand. It is very possible to have a life and love that is made up in all areas of living. As I was getting ready this morning I was looking at the mementos of our relationship I have kept on my bathroom counter. One of those was something he kept in his office at all times but it would seem like just a random sticky note to someone else but to us it was love. The other was a game we used to play when I was out of town. I would leave notes around in places for him to find. The note he kept says "I Miss You!" It is there with the other that are truly love notes. I love the rewards from our games. I miss those moments. I miss myself too. I miss the person I know I truly am. The greatest gift I have to give is love. 

I don't care the hurt involved I can never stop sharing my love. I love in so many ways to so many people. I'm glad I was given the chance to share love in the way it is meant to be. Life is more then what I can conquer on my own for myself. It is about what I can be and what I can give of myself. There was another quote I found tonight:

Every man goes down to his death bearing in his hands only that which he has given away.
       - Persian Proverb

I know in my heart Scott knows the love he gave to so many. I know the power of sharing the love he gave to me. It didn't matter to him that I have a few "ehhum" extra pounds, a bit of a temper when upset or moments of melting into an emotional mess. He loves me for who I am and my love for him. Whatever it was he saw in me was for the good! He always told me I made him a better person. I know the same was for him with me. I want to keep doing that. I want to continue to be that person he fell in love with. That person that made a difference in his life. He may be gone but I am still that person. When it is my time to be in the loving arms of God it will matter that loving was my priority in life. It comes in so  many different forms that no one is right. You just have to take the time to give of it freely. If it is important enough it will be returned. It has to be it is the best gift in the world. No amount of fear of failure, heartbreak or loss will ever convince me otherwise.  It is ok to take a chance. The stars will never be in just the perfect place you just have to leap with all your might and find a way to make it work. Games of love are always worth the risk. 

Not So Much

Survival! It seems to be the way of the world for me. I could do so many things but sometimes I chose to sit back and retreat. The world is celebrating and I'm hiding. I did the football/band mom thing. It was a great high but as all good thing I had to bounce back to reality. I've tried to be positive and focus on life but I have a few choice words for myself and a few choice words for Scott for leaving. It is really hard to hang on when Hannah isn't here.

I haven't left the house since I got home on Friday afternoon. I watched three movies, read three novels, ate lots of leftover, played on the computer and cried. Lots and lots of tears. Lots of anger and sadness. I'm in charge of my life and myself but this is crap. I have a patient that talks about how is life is so lonely. His is very self imposed and I'm trying not to do that to myself. How do you keep from it when the rest of the world seems so together. It is times like these that I know I'm not where I'm supposed to be. How could this be where I'm supposed to be?

So I've done what I know I can do - Prayed! Lots and lots of prayers. With that came more tears and some very strange answers at some very strange moments. I'm trying. I'm on the stupid rollercoaster and  the seat belt is loose. I don't know how to hang on and sometimes I don't know if I want to hang on. I know who I am and I know where I am. I'm not crazy! I'm grieving. I don't know at what point my life will be different.  It is times like these that the anger and sadness come out all at once. Do you know how horrible that makes me feel? The people who see this the most are the ones closet to me. When the smallest thing happens and I can't cope anymore. When the bottom of my life drops out and I have to deal with changes. I do really well most of the time but at what point to I get a break.

I realize I'm not the only one in this world who has experienced these sensations but when you spend enough time with your own thoughts rationalization and acceptable behavior gets tossed to the curb. There are so many times I just want to walk away and start over but that doesn't change who I am or where I've come from. Sometimes I just need someone to stop and listen without me having to ask. I just need to have someone hold me up so I can melt for a bit. Let me melt and I will find my feet again. I just wish the world wasn't so overpowering with all the things others think we should be doing. I'm trying not to listen but it's hard to get through one holiday when the day you finish the next is being pushed at you. How do I cope with one day at a time? I don't know but I've come this far. I guess I just keep trying, sometimes just not so much though!

Heaven is for Real

Hannah got a gift for Confirmation of the book "Heaven is for Real." Tonight I have started and finished the book in about 4 hours with a few breaks in between. I have had a rough day. This morning the overwhelming sense of loss and why me. I spent of few minutes in self pity and asking God to help me through, to be surrounded by light and love. I know at one point I asked for proof that I was only in a nightmare and I was going to wake up and Scott would be grinning and using his little boy charm that I love. I guess I'm awake and working my way through the day.

I managed to make a meal for Mom, Bob and myself. It was nice and quiet and I enjoyed a time in the sun on the patio. Clean up was a breeze and the food was just want I was craving. I have a nice life. I try really hard  not to whine and complain but that piece will always be there. In the book I read today. The little boy is describing his trip to Heaven as his father tells the story to us. The Dad is a pastor but even this time answers many questions for him too. For me I found what I have been searching for in my spiritual journey. I've never lost my faith in all of these months but I have wondered how to know the prayers are heard. I know when Scott left us here on Earth. I know he won't be back in his human form but I also know the prayers I said were answered. We found him. Now I have new prayers and I know they are being answered. Maybe not as fast as I would like but they are there.

I know in my heart the words we say to God in our prayers don't need to be all flowing and wordy. We can ask for things in a simple form. It is okay to pray from our heart. It is okay to live life with the wonder and joy of childhood. We can fulfill our societal adult roles without losing our wonder and joy. It is okay to reach for God with simplicity. I know my prayers are being answered. I just have to continue to trust in the Lord's plan for my life is what I feel in my heart. I have to be willing to continue in my daily prayers and allow time to happen in it's own pace. My wishes aren't that very far away. My heart feels the answers. I know Scott will always give me to infinity and beyond. I know where I belong. I just have to trust the places I am headed are the rainbows of answers for my prayers. So now my heart is lighter then it was when I started out my day.

Thanksgiving Eve

Thanksgiving Eve:  Is that really a term? I'm not sure but I guess it is true since it is the day before Thanksgiving. I have worked very hard at being thankful. It seems like it should come easy. I have a great life, a beautiful daughter, wonderful friends and a supportive family. I get to do fun things and enjoy a fruitful life. It really isn't as easy as it should be. I know I'm still here living a life but holidays are so full of memories that are joyful yet painful.

We all know I have food issues. It is even worse then it used to be. I don't know what my poor daughter is going to do with me when she has to care for me. I hope she doesn't do to me like Mom does. "She'll find something to eat." Holidays are very much about sharing and families but all my memories are tied to the darn food. I was thinking about all the memories of my childhood Thanksgiving celebrating with my family. It is funny to me how my meal for tomorrow has evolved from my personal favorites. I don't mind cooking things I won't eat for others. I love having a huge family gathering. I miss sharing those moments.

I'm just stuck in Scott's last Thanksgiving. I know it was a good time for both of us. This would be our year to celebrate without the girls. I'm trying not to be sad. I'm trying not to struggle so I have stuck to the things I find comfort. I baked a pumpkin pie, prepared the green bean casserole, mixed my pink fluff salad, chopped onions and celery for stuffing. Now the part I'm not so good at is the turkey but I will try. I miss the kitchen dance, laughing, joking, teasing and loving. Those are the things that make the food important to me for Thanksgiving. It is the last little bit I can control. The big smile as we set the table for two with the good china, crystal and silverware. The planning of the next year after the wedding. I'm stuck in the holidays of the past.

I know I still have holidays to celebrate but I'm learning. I'm trying in all the rest of the days. I do more then survive in all the rest of the days. I have a life but I don't think I'm ready for more. Sometimes I think I can leap then slap in the face makes me know I can only do life in small spurts from Hannah and I. I'm in a routine. I don't know if it will be a good thing to have more changes. So I make choices that work for what I can handle with as little stress as possible. I may be stuck here forever but I'm comfortable. That is more then I was last year. The panic about the holidays is less but the loss is still very real for me. One holiday at a time. Christmas seems to be easier this year because I have found a way to step out of the normal because that holiday is about Hannah. I can't do that with Thanksgiving yet. Maybe in 20 years I will find a new life.

Sweetness

It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude. 
       - Ralph Waldo Emerson


There are times and places to make due with who I have become. I enjoy my own company. I do have moments of loneliness but I am only trying to please myself and what is right and wrong in my own world. I work for myself and for Hannah. One of my patients enjoys visits from myself and calls my office just to chat. He keeps telling me the thing he misses most in his life is companionship. He forgets he tells me and we have an ongoing discussion about how I do understand because I lost my love. I don't want to be like that in my life, sad and lonely. I don't want to be starving for attention. I am very fortunate because I do have some great people in my life who make each day better. 


I realize I am who I am. I don't know how to be anything but me. I know I have changed but my life isn't about the things I have, the size of my body or how I climb the ladder. I try very hard to treat others as they want to be treated but I also expect from myself to be the best I can be. I know there are moments where I need to have tons of support but there are times when I have to step back and use my own brains to make my life better. I have reached a point where I am comfortable in my own skin and the life I have. I don't know if it is sad or lonely but I can picture myself exactly where I am. I don't know if there will be the companionship in my life or I will spend the rest of my days with my Angel as my company. I don't know but I'm comfortable where I am. 


Yesterday I sat in Church as Hannah complete her Confirmation. I struggled with where I was but I felt where I needed to be in my Spiritual journey. I know in my heart I have the support of God. I know in my heart Scott is a part of the Love I feel in each day. My panic is so much less. I know what I want and I'm trying so hard to get there and be there. After we finished with celebration lunch I took Mom and Bob out to where Scott died. They had never been there. They never got to see what I saw. It never made sense to them until yesterday. There was nothing that could be done. So many places where a well placed what if could have changed a horrendous outcome but here I am. This is my life. I have so much to give to the world. I have learned that without the love for each other there is nothing else in this world that will make a difference. I have more love to give. It is where I will be. 

Briar's Roses

Today I pulled into the driveway after a very long and stressful day. Oh heck who am I kidding it has been a long and stressful month! As I pulled in I see a glimmer of pink winking at me from the flower bed. I had picked up my kitties from their weekly bath at the vet. Don't ask another stressful event but they don't mind going anymore! It is my quiet night home alone, once again. I don't mind so much anymore. Somewhere somehow it has gotten easier. I miss the companionship but well maybe I'm supposed to learn how to be this way.

Anyway, back to my story. I pulled into the drive and saw the little twinge of pink. That bush is the one Scott used to pick a flower and bring it in to me. I still have the first one he brought to me. That little impish grin, so proud of himself for being so thoughtful to pick a rose from my own shrub. I miss those moments but then I see the rose in the crazy Texas November weather and I know God's magic is at work for me. I pray for those moments and there they are. There is my joy just like the friends that know the right time to show up or call. There is a higher power and we don't get to know all the answers just yet because we are still here.

I believe there are people in my life for reasons I don't understand. I know where I want to be, I just don't always see the path. It isn't as easy as a yellow brick road leading the way. That yellow brick road wasn't trouble free either, flying Monkeys, trees the thump and a misunderstood 'wicked' witch! Hey maybe I do have a yellow brick road in my life, it is just hidden by a bit of moss. I have so many positive golden moments in my life. The pen fairy that visited my office for a drive by, a thank you from a coworker, a text from my daughter (because I'm the only one she can text right now) and even a "hi mom" from the damp kitties in the carrier. My life is a rose peeking out from the thorns.

Discipline is Love

"Only those who do nothing at all make no mistakes... but that would be a mistake."
       - Anonymous


I have learned all kinds of things in my life because I make mistakes. I am by no means perfect. I don't want to be perfect but I do try to do my very best. I'm not the perfect rule follower all the time but there is a time and place to do the right thing for others without thinking of myself first. When I think of where I am in my life I see so many things I have learned at such a tender young age. I spent a lot of time in reflection today while I was driving. It's a good thing I can drive and think at the same time. I have many challenges to face today was not any different. 


There are right and wrong choices to make. Today I had to help my beautiful daughter face some of her wrong choices and face the consequences of her actions. I love her dearly and wish for her to never know the pain I feel daily. However, in my life, as I just told her, I love her more then Scott. Scott knew this and was in complete agreement. She is my reason I have the strength to keep going each day. I hope someday she will read these words and I know I chose to be here because of her. My life only matters because God gave her to me. I will always be there for her even when discipline is the correct path for that love. She is a beautiful, smart, funny and talented young woman. I want only for her to be the best she can be! 

Bait the Hook

Unless we think of others and do something for them, we miss one of the greatest sources of happiness. 
       - Ray Lyman Wilbur


I believe in doing for others to make myself happy. I achieve, I conquer and I am who I am. So I was feeling silly and crazy last night and I have done something completely out of character - let's just say a dating profile was created. I don't know why but oh well I'm trying something different. Who knows if anything will come out of it and it's not like I have to keep going with it. There has been nothing there but well you know trying something completely out of character is another hurdle for me. It feels really strange though. 


Hey it gives me something crazy to do instead of doing something that might be really stupid. I keep picturing our sandcastles and know that I still have more building to do here on Earth. More lives to touch and more happiness to create. So today I smile, tomorrow I will conquer more fears and hey let's see if trying something completely out of character works for me. Since I can't just tell 'em to shut up and kiss me! Maybe it is time to see if there really are plenty of fishes in the sea! Too bad I have such an irrational look at my own looks. I know that isn't what is important to anyone who knows me. I just have to keep remembering my light comes from within and try to love myself.

Get It

"It's a very funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it. - William Somerset Maugham




I will continue to give my best. I have hurdles that make life a battle but I chose to keep running and   jumping. The obstacles that I have to combat have made me a stronger person. I want to keep doing my best and make a difference. I work hard to stand each day and face what I have been given. I may not make all the rules, I may not always follow all the rules but I do my best to be my best.  When I look around I don't see myself. I see a place where I'm supposed to make a difference. 


There are so many times when I have wanted to give up. I wish I could just bury my head in the sand and focus on only myself and Hannah. I can't do that. It's  not who I am or will ever be. Last week a friend of mine was at a football game across town. She was sitting next to a woman who knew Scott. Scott mattered to so many people. He never gave up and worked to make a difference in others lives. He believed. He believed in my too. 


Another friend and I have had conversations the past few weeks about how we wish we could just do what we wanted and ignore the needs of others. To skip out and just be about our own wishes. Life doesn't work that way. We have both been giving callings into places where we make a difference even when our frustrations get the better of us. How do I give up on my responsibilities and run away? I'm not supposed to I guess. God has given me gifts that I can't ignore. I was told today that my light shines from within and those who know me see that in me. I believe in so many things. I know there is more to this world then we see but sometimes we have to take a step back from our own selfish needs and find the right path. This world isn't about money or things. It is about love, kindness and helping others. I am where I am supposed to be at this minute. There are things I can't change just yet but someday.


There is a reason I am where I need to be right now. I do make a difference. I can't change others but I can do my part. I just wish I had all the answers to my own life but who am I to judge? I keep going and I will make find where I belong someday. I will find where a life of companionship and love will guide me to the next plane of my existence. "It's okay, I love you!"

Love and Other Drugs

I don't want someone else. I want you. I want to be there to take care of you, to carry you. - a paraphrase from the move Love and Other Drugs by Jake Gyllenhaal character to Jamie Randall to Maggie (Anne Hathaway)

I remember words very similar to that being said to me. The reason I was able to be okay is that Scott was sick too. Two stupid sick people who loved each other very much. We didn't have a chance to make it but I'm happy for what we did get together. It taught me the magic of being loved and loving. I sat here watching a rather extreme end of the "R" movie spectrum that turned into something very poignant for me. How is that possible? Messages everywhere and I can't seem to ignore them. So I'm sitting here at 2:30am trying to get thoughts out of my head. Isn't this the best place for me to do that?  The words just flow from my fingers.

I don't know where I'm supposed to be or go but yet here I am with my thoughts racing again. Movies are they just out there to mess with our minds. Just like all those skinny models who make my life crap when I look in the mirror. Do you know how much it sucks to have an MS day and the person who made sure you were good, boasted your ego, helped you to the bathroom, washed your hair, massaged your tremoring arm and loved you just because isn't there anymore?  I don't feel lovable right now. It's at times like these I'm very frightened of the future. I'm alone and I never want to be a burden on my daughter. Yet here I am. At least with Scott we muddled through. We were rarely sick at the same time. It was always as if we knew we had to be there for each other.

I woke up this afternoon from a real sleep. Not a drug induced dead to the world sucks sleep but a real life rest. Do you know how often that has happened in the last 19 months?  I can count them on my left foot if I were missing toes. I had amazing dreams that were fun and full of laughter. A big burly guy friend dressed i a clown costume and another girlfriend sitting at a counter ordering a cheeseburger making friends with others around us. I was happy when I woke up this morning. You would be too with the clown I saw in my dream.

Our other movie selection tonight would have been the movie that arrived for Hannah, The Time Traveler's Wife. That is the last movie Scott and I watched together with our carpet picnic. I sat in this very spot crying. We had a discussion that night about death and how that would feel to lose each other. I'm the one that got to experience that pain. He will never know the heart wrenching ache that will forever be in my heart. The nights of sitting here crying wishing for a life of bickering, laughter, love, teasing but mostly companionship. I want to grow old in the rocking chairs on the porch watching our grandkids while we hold hands. Cliche' yes but it is still a dream.

I want to be told that I am loved for me! I want to know that it doesn't matter that my weight is a problem. I want to be see for me but I'm afraid of losing my life again. Of finding something so special and it being torn from me because it wasn't where I was supposed to be. The only forever we are guaranteed is death. My Mom and  have been having this conversation about me taking care of her. I notice how much her memory is failing her but somehow in my heart I think it will be the other way around. What do you do when you have hopes and dreams? What do you do when your image of yourself inside your head doesn't match what you see in the mirror? I can only keep hoping. I can only keep praying. The last few weeks have been incredibly stressful. I know there are people who are here for me every step of the way. It is just the times when I'm alone and my head goes to work on itself that I become trouble. I want me back. I want my life back. Is that too much to ask. I want to make life move a bit faster but I don't get that choice. So I work with what tools I've been given. I will make it but darn it can someone find me Love and Other Drugs!

Hope Whispers

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown

I smile and try again. "I'm gonna love you through it!" I see it, I hear it, I feel it! I know it is there. I know I am there! I just gotta believe in the magic. The people in my life that matter and keep me going are my magic. There are some amazing people I trust completely. There are people who let me down everyday but those moments teach me who to be and where I should be. I can keep conquering mountains one pebble at a time. I can give the world my love one smile and hug at a time. I'm not fearless. I'm not perfect! I just keep trying to reach with my heart and soul to the goals that are my life. 

It may be November and time to be thankful but I have to be thankful each and every day that I have been given. Yesterday someone asked me if I was okay and if there was anything they could do. I asked for prayers. I then told them the choices in my life with my health will be time to join Scott into his welcoming arms or stay here and continue on the whatever path I have to complete. Either choice doesn't hurt for me. I win either way. I know others may think otherwise but I am open to all possibilities that I am given. I know I try each day to make a difference, to be the best I can be for all the lives I touch each day. I have fought an ongoing battle recently not just about myself but it made me realize there is a time and place for everything that happens. I just have to understand I am where I am supposed to be even when where I am means I can't have what I want the most! 

Smiles, laughter, hugs, love, dreams, magic and more! I continue to be where I'm supposed to be good days and bad. How could I be anywhere else when I continue to ask to be surrounded by light and love, guide me, protect me and show me the way. I know Scott will always be here for me. He promised me to infinity and beyond. He knows how to help me to where I'm supposed to be! I know he has a lot of help from the arms of God too! How can I lose with that combination!! 

The Best of Now and Here

No longer forward nor behind
I look in hope and fear;
But grateful take the good I find,
The best of now and here.
John G. Whittier


How else does one get through were they are? It is so hard to be grateful at times when looking at life makes it all seem hopeless. There are things and people in my life that I look forward to seeing and spending time with. My life didn't end. I've always known that. I haven't made the choice to stop living my life. I have kept going. It is, however, hard to accept that new dreams are there. I have new dreams but I'm afraid of them. I'm afraid to trust myself to have them. The fear in my life is letting go to fully live this new life. How else do you reach out? 


I keep looking for the happiness in each day. I have found that life is all those little moments. The little moments where looking at pictures and teasing a friend matters, a smile to someone you pass in the hall matters, a good morning kiss to my beautiful baby matters. Each day of life matters. I have never forgotten those moments. I just miss all of the moments of my life that I wanted. I don't know if I will ever stop missing those moments or that person but I can and do enjoy the new moments. 


I have pieces of my life that I look forward too each day. I'm who I am and where I am.  Not always what I like to hear but it is what it is. I keep going and my heart will always be full of love to share. This is where I'm supposed to be even if I don't understand who I help or why I have to go through this life. I will keep trying to rejoice in where I am even though I have to fight to keep going. To not give up on myself! I am thankful for so many parts and people in my life who keep giving me hope. People who believe in me and are answers to my prayers to be guided on the right path.

Dog in a Fight

What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight - it's the size of the fight in the dog.
       - Dwight D. Eisenhower




I feel like this so much more lately. I have been living and hanging on, yet recently I've been fighting to climb back into my life. A friend laughs at my size and I'm most generally easy going but lately there have been things happening that I'm tired of being kicked. I'm stronger then those moments. I know what I'm doing and how to make things happen. I'm not out for myself in life but sometimes I have to be there for myself. Who else is going to do things for me? My "person" is gone. The person I trusted with my life is gone. I have to fight like the tiny little shitzu with the heart of a doberman. This redhead has the spirit of a big bad Marine when provoked. Well I've been provoked into doing things I didn't know I could do. 


Tomorrow I go in for more tests. I don't know if he will find anything or if he is even sure what he is looking for in my diagnosis but at least he is trying. I know what I feel in my heart and soul. I know I have to keep striving to fight for my life. There are things and places I want to be. I'm not sure if I'm on the right path but darn it why can't I get a break. Why can't I be in a place where I am strong but supported by love. Why do I feel so lonely so often? I keep doing what I can only do. I'm the one that has to battle for myself because there isn't anyone who wants to join me  to conquer life. I miss life with a partner. I miss having the person who looks at me, knows what I'm thinking, smiles and says "tell them 'bite me!'" Then holds me to get through the next day, is there to hold my hand and worry when I'm not the best. 


I love my friends believe in me and keep me going with support but darn it!!! Why can't I be where I want to be? Why do I have to be here instead. I still miss my life but I'm adjusting to my new life. Somewhere I have to be in the right spot to be where I want to be and where I'm supposed to be. The spot where I get to have magic moments. Where I get to look up and smile into eyes of love and life. I'm tired of being the fighter but I keep doing it because I don't have a choice. I will fight to be where I'm supposed to be! Can someone just give me a hint where that magic is hiding?

Heart in a Box

"What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.” - Perciles

I'm so driven to complete projects and tasks. I don't like to do things half crapped. I want to do things to the best of my abilities. Sometimes it is possible and sometimes there are people who stand in your way. Scott used to laugh at me because I would get frustrated and then attack a problem at a different way. If I thought I failed he'd make me keep trying. There were several times when something would happen and he would say "just wait! You are right and it will happen!" He always knew when I doubted myself. The last few days I have been struggling with those thoughts again when I can hear him telling me 'you are good at what you do! You do the right thing and believe in yourself!' He left behind pieces of himself that are now a part of me.

I was thinking today about how much we are all connected and our lives matter to each other. There are people I know from childhood who are part of my fabric of who I am now. I may have spent years not knowing them as we grew up but now we have reconnected thanks to technology and they are a new part of my life. I have people I have met through the years that no matter where we go or who we are with we are still connected, no matter what! Scott has given me people to care for me too. The pieces of his life he left for me also came with some great new people I have been meant to share life with.  How else can I be so excited about my guys, my fantasy football guys, or Scott's FB wife. Then I have my new friends that make me laugh and smile. The new friends that see me. I'm trying to find my identity as someone other then the girl that lost her fiance/husband.

That person is here. It is now a piece of who I am but I'm not always that person. I love to laugh and giggle. I love to get things done that matter to others. I know I'm not always right but I like to find the best way to do things and help others. I can and will achieve each day. I battle the hurdles that are thrown my way. I don't like it though. I want a break but I seem to be on a journey that requires something or maybe I'm not listening to my Angel again. Maybe I'm not where I'm supposed to be and I'm getting a message with each crappy hurdle to make the right decision. I can't stay where I am and get what I want. Why is it impossible to have all the pieces of life connect at the same time. I did have it though! I know it is possible. I just keep dealing with 4/4/10 and the pieces of my life that have been left behind.

Sometimes I feel so invisible but then someone touches my life and I know I matter to them. A message on FB, a phone call, but my favorites is when I have given someone a smile to get them to the next spot in life. I touch many people but having that one to share everything with is what I miss most. I'm ready for my dream to come true but I'm not allowed to be there yet. I don't get to choose that dream, not yet! I must still have pieces of me I have to leave behind to help others. So here you go, here is today's piece of me. My heart needs a boost, my arms need a hug and I really need more but there are still some hurdles to cross. Maybe my heart is sitting in a box beating on it's own until I can collect enough pieces to put myself back together. Someplace where someone needs me in their life to share the highs, lows, craps and joy. There has to be a moment where someone will take my heart of this protective box so I can soar once again.

What Else!

Refresher course is what I needed today! I stopped in to see my favorite mental health professional. She told me how proud of me she is and I just have to keep doing the things that are right for me. The decisions I make have been on the right track. I needed to hear that. I have so many feelings that I don't know how to make some of them happen. I like the smiles. I like the feeling that I have a life and that I'm capable of so much more in life. 


I am happy. Despite all the stress and crap of things that happen each day. I'm full of life and positive. I have a smile and laughter and I feel. I feel hope. I'm still scared of life but I feel. I just take each step and keep going. I'm reaching out and asking the rule be modified. I'm asking for a chance to have a life full of love and laughter. I know I feel it. I know there is a magic to life that will make that happen. 

To love deeply in one direction makes us more loving in all others.   
       - Anne-Sophie Swetchine


I want to make my life happen. I know what I feel and where I am today. I have reached this place because of some really special people. I can be a real bear at times and I'm my own worst enemy but I fight to keep going. I have a choice to reach my dream. I keep going to reach my dream. I'm so different then I was in the short nineteen months ago. I have my ups and downs. I still shed tears of pain and heartache but I know I will always be in love. I will never have to face the possibility of not being in love with Scott. I doesn't mean I can't love again! I have really figured that out. I know where I am today. I know the feelings of joy and laughter. I know the fun of being silly and looking forward to spending time with another. 


I'm glad I had my refresher today. I know I believe in the power of guidance from someplace that we can't see. I know there are people in my life that only can be here because of my ongoing prayers. I continue to ask to be surrounded by light and love, to find strength and guidance to make it forward in my journey of learning to live. I want to live. I want to love. I want to share a life full of laughter and light. I am here. Help me keep going. I know love is possible through the arms of God. We are each in each other's lives are for reasons we don't always understand. Take a moment to find how to be there, you may be surprised what you find when you open your heart. I know I was when I gave up to love with Scott. He would be very disappointed if I hid my heart from the possibility of more! 


I look forward to tomorrow. I may be scared of next week but I can do tomorrow! Then before I know it I will be at next week. I will survive more testing. I will keep my faith in God to answer my prayers. I will be safe and loved. I will be healthy and happy. I will find my dreams. I will get to be where I want to be. I have faith in God to protect me and give me strength.  I have smiles and laughter to share and love to give. There is more for me to answer but I'm afraid of the question of "what else!" I can't answer that question all by myself. There are too many blocks in the road for that to happen. 

Steadfastness

Count it all joy, my brethren, when you meet various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
       - James 1:24


Each day brings you closer to the joy that is life. Each test I have been given makes me stronger but it is hard to tackle. There are some moments when I don't understand why I even try but I keep going. There are moments when I give it my all and it doesn't seem like it is enough. There are moments that feel like the finish line keeps getting further away or that pasta just keeps growing in the bowl. Some days it is like being slapped in the face for being who I am. I don't expect more from others then I'm willing to give myself. 


I am ready to push away from the table and walk away. To find a new place to be but God's plans don't match my own at the moment. I can't do for everyone else when I can barely take care of myself. Today was a rollercoaster and somehow it only became better when I had dinner with Hannah. There is nothing that solves a crisis like a talk with a smart teen and Mexican food. I will make it and it is time to try to sleep. It is time to face tomorrow with a smile and conviction to make it to my goals!

Water of Love

We are made for loving. If we don’t love, we will be like plants without water.
       - Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Nobel Peace Prize winner




How is it possible to do anything else but love. Even in all the grief and anguish, the swearing that I will never be loved again or be able to love that way again I find myself loving life again. I'm still struggling with the pain of losing my love. I still have moments where I don't know where to go but I'm trying. I keep hearing him telling me to keep going, that I'm going in the right direction. It has to be the right direction doesn't it? I still have several decisions I have to make but I feel like I'm back on hold again. I can't make the decisions because I don't have answers to my pain. How can I make it forward into a new life when the possibilities of what might be happening are endless. I'm back to baby steps in living. I do the important things but how do I make a decision about life changing things?


I don't just want to sit here and have life happen. I keep taking the steps but I when I try to take big ones I get the yield sign. I am just sitting at the gate waiting for the clearance from the control tower to take off. I guess my plans for life aren't where I was supposed to be but I do know Scott was supposed to be in my life. He was supposed to teach me about love and loss. I'm supposed to learn how to heal and step forward. I think the overachiever in my system wants to step up and find life again. I don't need to learn how to love. I've had excellent training in that department. I see love in so many places in life. The kitten that is laying on my left arm kneading and purring, my daughter that is growing up faster then I know, my mom who is willing to spend time driving around the Texas countryside with me, loving all my friends even when they do crazy things like running marathons or even my memories of my past. I know the only thing in life that matters in the end of it all will be love. 


I hope I make a difference in the life of someone else. Enough of a difference that I inspire someone else to love and be loved. You just can't take money with you. You can't take the successes of the job with you. Will that paycheck cry when you are sick, cheer when you succeed or hold you when you cry. I miss that part of my life very much. To know I'm being held up through all these tough decisions about crap that I shouldn't have to think about. I've dealt with enough mortality. I'm not ready to think I may have to make decisions about my own. I've had enough of that. Why don't I get a break to just be loved and held! What have I done to deserve to be in this world of lessons that I understand but I don't know who else I can help these days. 

Ask Me!

Life sucks and then you die! Sometimes it sucks more then others but the dying part well it just happens when it happens. I don't know when or where but I know it will happen someday. It has been a busy crazy strange rough week. I don't understand why I am where I am but here I am. Living in each moment.

Do you know how hard it is to live scared all the time? To be afraid to do things or try new things! I do! I'm afraid to put one foot in front of the other but I do it! I feel like a Nike commercial. This week has been very tearful for me. I'm afraid of this pain and all that I have to got through again to TRY to find out why I'm in pain again. It was great when I was numb. Can I just spend the rest of my life numb? I try but I seem to have recovered feeling. Not just the pain in my tummy but I have feelings in my heart again.

When I was in WDW I walk down memory lane with Scott. Mike gets upset with me because we have memories there too with Hannah. I think it is because I know I can keep making new memories with them but those are all the memories I get with Scott. I'm afraid I'm going to lose my memories of Scott. It is as if I have to make them stick really hard. I'm still trying not to talk about him all the time, to keep living forward but it just doesn't seem to be so easy. I want to remember as much as I can but I'm willing to make new ones too. I want more in my life.

I reach so far into each day. Somedays I come up empty and somedays are full! I like the days are full of fun and adventure. Today is one of those days. I stay busy and try to make each day worth still being here. I want more. I dream for more. I don't know if my dreams match where I'm supposed to be though. How do you deal with the reality of life when all I want is only a dream now. I'm usually really good at being where I want to be but now it just doesn't seem so easy to jump, leap, throw caution to the wind and kiss my dreams hello.

I don't know when to give up and when to keep punching away. Things just feel so overwhelming when a bowl of some shelf stable meal makes me cry. I know why because I'm missing the person that holds me up and takes my fears away. People care and people love me but that unconditional love and compassion is missing from my day. When I can pick up the phone to just hear a voice on the other end to aleve my fears of the strangeness that is my life is what I enjoy. I know it is there but it is that next step on a rung of fears. Why is life so full of moments of fears that are silly and irrational? I can make it through all the tests. I can deal with the answers. If it is the worst or the best, I need the answers. I just keep trying, even when I want to give up on my dream. I need help though. I need to hear the voice on the other end asking me "What else?" I may not be able to say what I really want to say. I need to leap but I don't know how so I stay in each moment of where I am. Maybe someday....