Treat Others As You Would Like to Be Treated!

I can't believe how some people just don't really get what life is all about. I'm tired of petty people who think it is okay to do whatever they want and say whatever they want to attempt to make themselves look good. Really what ever happened to treat others as you would like to be treated. I really try everyday to be that way. Smile, hold a hand, hug a friend. Really being nice is so much more fun then lying just to make yourself look good.  

If you can't tell my day sucked and before I say something else that really isn't nice I'm going to take my meds and head to bed. Really people if you look at the news and see others who have lost their lives, homes, pets stop and look at how your petty actions can have ramifications that go beyond making yourself look good! That bridge to the other side can come before you know it! I for one plan on making sure I get to reach Scott on the other side. 

After the day I've had I really wish it were today but I choose to keep going because something tells me I am working on making someone else's life way better because I do choose to treat others the way I want to be treated! To others though I just have to say grow up and be responsible. I don't always get my way and I'm certainly not going to throw a fit if I don't!! 

Please surround me with your light and love, guide me protect me and show me the way! I need it today just to keep going! 

Never A Day Without Thinking About Something or Someone!

‎"Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about." ~ (Unknown) 


This was a post as a FB friend's status a few minutes ago. I have several things like that. So instead of the moments when I say "I give up!" I should just keep knowing that I will make the things happen in my heart that I know are possible. I know what I need to be doing right now. I know that I need to focus on helping others.


Another friend keeps saying "you are where you are supposed to be." I have that feeling not just for myself but for one of my very dear Disney friends, Sid.  You see he moved to my hometown a few years ago for some great reasons but really not exactly the place most people move to if they have other choices. It is a small town in Southwest Missouri. The people have shown the rest of the world what it means to "LOVE THY NEIGHBOR!"  My friend Sid has tirelessly worked with supervising and running at points in time from the moment the tornado struck with the American Red Cross. Sid was exactly where he was supposed to be! I can only hope to grow up to be a fraction of the person Sid has shown with his kindness, caring and generous spirit. I know I can't wait to see him again. He was very supportive when Scott died as he got to meet him along with several other of my Disney friends. I know that Sid deserves far more then the words I can praise him with as he continues to help the survivors live forward!


I keep thinking about so many things and I'm will continue to work toward the place those thoughts lead me. I'm not always selfless I do have my moments of selfishness but I wouldn't be human if I didn't. It is just that in this last year as life keeps happening I have learned that I have a purpose that is beyond my own imagination. I am where I am supposed to be but when you pray you also need to be willing to accept the responsibilities that come with prayer. You may be only thinking of yourself but when suddenly you  have thoughts that come from nowhere and won't leave you need to make the choice to act upon them! Make the world a better place!  I will make things happen because it is the right thing to do. I have a purpose that is beyond what even I understand but I will keep living forward. My life matters beyond my own bubble! I hope you look inside your soul and see that you too have the capacity to live beyond. We are not entitled to be handed the world. We each have the power to make a difference in someone else's day! Holding a hand, giving a hug or building a bridge for lives ravaged by a storm! It doesn't matter as long as we choose to "Love thy neighbor!" and make the world a better place!


So thank you to my FB friend and former classmate for making me see that the things I have been thinking about nonstop matter! I have the power to make them happen! I will make them happen and if I sneak in a selfish little something for myself that is okay too! I want to know that when I cross the bridge to the welcoming arms of God, Scott and so many others that have gone before me I have earned my place to be with them! Scott is in my daily thoughts and will continue to be for the rest of my life here on Earth. I can do what I can because I know he hasn't stopped loving me but it is okay to keep living forward!

A Challenge to Give!

Do you ever really take a good look at your life and think you are where you are supposed to be or do you think there is something you should be doing different? I have those moments but for the most part I think I'm where I am supposed to be. Now do I think there are people who should be in my life that aren't? Always but I'm not the one who gets to make that choice.

This last week I have added to the list of people from my childhood/teen years that I have connected with again. Sadly, it is all through the miracle of a tragedy. Yes you heard me correctly a tragedy can also be a miracle. The tragedy of the loss of lives who mattered to others but the miracle that more weren't lost. The tragedy of loss of homes and memories but the miracle of a community coming together with the help of an entire country to begin to rebuild. The miracle of the Joplin tornado is seen in so many photos and stories of the passion of the human heart and the strength we have in our souls. We spend so much of our time wrapped up in petty squabbles or working ourselves to the bone that we don't take the time to look around and appreciate the miracles we each are given by living another day.

For the last week my brain has been working overtime on how to help my hometown. How can I make a difference in a way that is personal. Yes I could log on and write a check to donate money. I know they will need lots of it but how can I make a difference that helps others learn how to make a difference too? How can I find my voice to teach kindness, compassion and caring. I don't want the recognition but I want to do something that comes from my heart that I will know will make a specific miracle happen in a life other then mine.

I know how far I have come and what I have to give is going to come from my soul and spirit. So today I have been working on an idea to reach out to my hometown with the resources I have in my reach. I will keep working and when I know we are to a point that I can share more information I will do that. In the meantime I look at my daughter and her friends for my idea. They have a beautiful life full of gifts. I was the same age once walking down the hallowed halls of Joplin High (or for those of us in those years, Parkwood) I can only image the depths those students feel losing homes and family members but to lose the security of your school too!

So I challenge everyone, not just Midway ISD, to make a difference to my hometown. It can be with your church, your checkbook, your schools, your work but give to the victims of all the tragedy with what comes from your soul/spirit. Make it personal for yourself to know you have helped another find a miracle in their lives! We have each been given another day find a reason to collect your day tomorrow! I challenge you to give because tomorrow it could be you or I! I want to know that my acts of kindness matter and make a miracle happen! You can work your bobo off in a job that may pay the bills but in the end what counts isn't how many hours you have spent on the phone or contacts you have made. What love do you have to give to another! Whose hand can you hold? You many not feel like it all the time (I know I don't) but someone does love you take a chance and spread the love!

A Party Day

A day of more emotions. I keep them so well intact most of the time but today we celebrated Laynie's 7th birthday and I could feel Scott with us. When I was trying to decide what we should give her for a gift I came across a Longhorns purse in the shape of cheer megaphone that says "Hook 'em Horns!" I got all teary eyed and I struggled to keep it all together. I miss them both so very much. I miss my life still. I don't think I will ever stop missing them but I do know how to live forward in each day. I can't change the past but I can embrace the future.

When I bought that purse I found myself be told to buy it. I can hear him at times telling me certain things to do and that was one of them. Today I know he was there because of Laynie. He will always be there for her. I still know in the deepest part of my being that he would never leave me but he most certainly would never leave her. Today was a mixture of the people who love a very special little girl and I know how very proud she is to call Hannah her sister. That will never change and as she grows up to be a beautiful smart little girl she will have us here waiting to share her Daddy with her.

I added to her scrapbook today. I struggle doing that task but I know in my heart it helps both her and I live forward with the memories of Scott in our hearts.  I still have yet to find a day without tears but I do know how to laugh and smile too. I know I have more to learn and love to give. I have jokes to share, smiles to give and who needs a big hug? I found a way today to comfort a friend who's life has been turned upside down in a tornado with the words that normal is gone but keep living forward and the new normal appears. I am a daily reminder to myself of those sage words even when I wish I could just hide under the covers.

Tomorrow is another day

"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles." 
— Audrey Hepburn

"...that understanding comes from love. You might believe that you need to understand another to love them. The truth is you need to love them to understand them." - a friend's message from God post for today.

What do you get when you cross a grumpy teenager and an exhausted Mom. Most people would say a fight! Not in this house you end up with a Friday night four hour sleepfest and eventually dinner at 9pm. This week has been crazy and busy but that was by my own choice so I won't be complaining. So now I sit on my spot on the couch watching old Hepburn/Tracy movies and wishing for a quieter time in life. There is so much going on in this world, the horrific images that have been around the globe this week just don't stop.

I will never fully understand the actions or responses of others but that doesn't mean I still don't love them. For instance, I have one friend that drives me completely batty and sometimes I just want to slap some sense into him but it doesn't work that way. His sense is his own so it is easier to keep loving my friend and not always try to understand. The same goes for all the rest of the world. I don't understand so many things but that hasn't stopped me from loving others. I may lose my patience but through this all I have learned to bite my tongue and just love. There are things I have been trying to do to help others but getting responses out of people is just nuts! I keep trying though and know I will make things happen for a place I care about and people I love.

I am who I am and I don't expect others to completely understand me just as I don't understand them. This morning I woke up from the worst nightmare I have ever had. I can't even type the details but it still floats around in my mind still after all these hours later. It doesn't do me any good to focus upon a dream that wasn't based in any fact but thoughts that I know to be false. I believe that love and laughter are the best medicine. I somehow have to keep being strong when all things feel as if they are going wrong. I will keep trying to smile and find happiness in each day. I keep trying to make others happy too because loving others keeps my feet planted firmly on the ground. Praying for others keeps me surrounded by light and love. I think somewhere in this world there will more happiness because miracles happen everyday. 

Dome of Angels

http://www.mercy.net/joplin/stories-of-mercy/45-seconds

Tonight I can only share the link above and ask that we all continue to pray for all the communities that have been ravaged by the storms!

"I just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for a "Dome of Angels"
to protect Joplin from further tornadoes and that the Lord will use this opportunity to develop and strengthen the faith of the people there.

I can see Angels with swords facing outward to ward off the storms and protect the people."

This is a post from a friend on Facebook! It is all I have to offer tonight. But sometimes when you can do nothing but pray that is more powerful then we will ever know! Many prayers to my dear friends and family. You continue to be in my heart as I pray for you all to be surrounded by light and love as you live forward through this tragedy.

Blue Skies

"So often, we believe that we have come to a place that is void of hope and void of possibilities,only to find that it is the very hopelessness that allows us to hit bottom, give up our illusion of control, turn it over, and ask for help. Out of the ashes of our hopelessness comes the fire of our hope." -Anne Wilson Schaef

"At the bottom of the well, one can look up and see the sky." -Martha Whitmore Hicks

That hopelessness and despair has permeated more days for me then I care to remember. There are lots of days that I don't even remember. This is very odd coming from me. I remember all kinds of details. Scott used to laugh and say he was the big idea man and I was the detailer to make it happen. I've sat for more hours doing nothing. Staring at mind numbing television - House Hunters International and iCarly - but these days the TV rarely comes on and I face life head on. Most days.

My mind has been nonstop on my friends, family and my hometown these days. I sat this afternoon at my desk crying over learning of the loss of my elementary school and junior high! Now all I have is the memories.  A few years ago when we were in town we drove past them all with Hannah. We did the tour of my past. Scott wanted to do that tour with me but we never got the chance. It's been one of those things hanging out in my mind that I wanted to conquer but now I don't have to address the thought. When I return it will be all different and it will never be the place I was going to share with Scott. Our lives will forever be connected by that town that we shared at different spots in our life but never together.

I can look up now and see the blue of the sky. I can feel the sun on my face. I feel hope and the possibility of a future. I know how to live and I know how to love. I have friends from the past to give a helping hand just as I have been given so many hands to hold me. I know how to live outside of the darkness and despair. Living forward is a possibility with lots of prayer. My prayers allow me to treasure each day I have been given. They allow me to help others. I know that there are so many people in  my life who have "changed me for the good."  I know that it is up to me to take that and make it for the better, not just for myself but as many people I can reach. I know that I have a gift and it is up to me to share. It is up to me to keep living, smiling and loving. I am who I am today because I knew you! One of Scott's favorite songs to sing with Laynie was "Blue Skies" by Willie Nelson. I owe it to him and our love to keep looking for the Blue Skies of happiness!

Movie Timelines

"For much that is given much can be lost" - Immortals (new movie coming out)

I have been struggling the portion of "can be lost" these days. I'm feeling the loss as I know so many people are these days. My problem is the feeling that I wish I understood why it feels like the only thing that is happening is loss. I keep thinking "am I missing a purpose of where I am supposed to be or who I am supposed to be helping. What do I need to change in my life?" I want to hide from the world one moment and the next hold hands and provide comfort.

Tonight I reached a point where I needed to focus on something other then loss and sadness. I picked up Hannah from school and we took a time out from reality. She is my lifeline and the true love of my life! We had a great dinner and our favorite Johnny Depp in Pirates. I realized tonight how I can tell what points in my life based on movies. My life in Joplin = Sixteen Candles! College = Pretty Woman, with Mike = lots of years that are covered there, and Scott = new Batman's, Bourne Movies, Pirates Three, now my life goes on into new movies. Yet I feel like Scott was with us. I don't think he will ever be very far away.

So tonight I left my reality and counted my blessings that I can. There are so many who continue tonight with the beginnings of shock and grief. I want to go home and help. I want to hold hands and walk with others as so many have done for me. Tonight I settle for my blog and know that so many people held my hand that I can only pray and hope my words give another comfort. Loss of a love is worse then possessions. I would gladly trade surviving a tornado with Scott by my side and losing all our possessions to have him back holding my hand. I don't get the choice. I can only offer my continued prayers to my friends and family. In my heart I am there.

I keep living forward and know that each day I will make the best out of what I have been given. Even if I ask it isn't my time to go. I have accepted that I have to live if only for my beautiful Hannah. I don't ever want her to feel the pain of losing a parent at a young age, or losing the love of fairytales. I want her to know that living forward is the only option even when it seems hopeless. I will continue to deal with all my emotions each day. Now who has a smile for tomorrow? I have one I can share.

My Prayers

Today the tears of sadness watching all of the devastation from so many hours away bring so many emotions to the surface. Then you get to work and the world goes on but how do you focus when you want to help the people you care about and a place you have great fondness. I have so many people from my life effected by this storm and the aftermath. The really horrible part of all this is the lives lost and now people are going in taking things from people who have lost everything. I'm still stuck in a world where I don't understand people or life. I don't think that will ever change. Just when I figure it out something bad and awful happens that takes my spirit and faith and twists it into many knots.

I am struggling with the life goes on part again. I wrap my brain around it or try to everyday when I get up from an empty bed. To a day of not being held or cherished by my love. I can't imagine the loss and devastation my friends and family are trying to cope with during this tragedy but yet I understand the grief process so deeply. I just want to wrap my arms around them all to surround them with light and love. If there is anything I know after this year is life doesn't have a rewind button. Somewhere there is a power button for strength when you think you can't continue.

I sit here looking at the images of this on the screen. Anderson Cooper is in a town that has hit the map. I want to keep all my cherished memories of a life and a place that can't be ever again. The courage of the survivors gives me hope for their lives. I want to be able to give to them. So many are focused on living forward. Several people have posted pictures from St. Mary's Catholic Church with the cross still standing and another from St. John's Hospital with a cross still hanging on the wall. There is a message for us all. So as I once again struggle with my faith and spiritual beliefs all I can do is pray.

"Please surround them with Your light and love, guide them, protect them and show them the way. Give me the strength to find a way to help friends, families and strangers as they begin the hardest journey of their lives. I'm sorry so many people had to reach their expiration dates. I'm trying to understand the plans you have for them. I will continue to ask each moment to help find the survivors and guide the souls of our lost loved ones into Your arms." -K

Joplin, Missouri

I can't even write tonight. I just keep thinking about my hometown and Scott. They are tied in my heart. Connected because Scott had his very first seizure in my hometown at the McDonald's near my house. It took us 20 years to meet and now this. A college friend posted a picture of a double rainbow 60 miles from where the tornado struck. All I can think of is the bridge that rainbow represents for those who lost their lives today. I'm not sure where or what I'm supposed to be doing but I feel like I should be there.

I understand tragedy and surviving the other side even when you feel as if you should have been taken too. I feel the pain from that small town. I see the images and my heart breaks. Today all I can pray is for the people hit by the horrific event to be surround by light and love, to guide them, protect them and show them the way. Today I want to do more. God please help me find the path to help my hometown, guide me to show them the strength to healing.

Exhaustion

Lot's of hard work today and now I may actually attempt to sleep. Who knows though if I will succeed. I feel like I have achieved a huge milestone tonight after working on the committee for the Band Banquet. Those kids are amazing and I hope they felt the love we all put into tonight to give them memories. I remember doing things like that when I was in High School. Huge parties and ceremonies. Tonight our Band Director spoke of his days at this High School and what he recalls are the friends and the memories. I wish our graduating seniors well and hope the rest of the kids continue to be so awesome and make wonderful memories and bonds that last a lifetime.

I still feel a lot like something is missing in my life but I just fill it up and maybe someday I will turn around and know that I have a lived a life that was more then grief and pain. I'm trying so very hard. It won't be an overnight transformation it will continue as I've done slowly. I know who I am and what I can achieve. I will make it forward while living. I continue to ask for light and love. I will find the strength for tomorrow but now after one long hiney day I'm headed to bed. I'm curling up on my side of the bed with thoughts of my love and maybe a few tears. Yes, this is my life now and I will keep living forward. I will make it someday to the power of light and  love!

Dressing to Kill

And then there are days like today that make it all worthwhile! Work felt like another Monday for part of the day but then again I survived. The best part was picking Hannah up from school and heading to Dillard's in what turned into a shopping spree for her. The band banquet is tomorrow night as I'm still diligently working on  table decorations that look pretty awesome if I say so myself. Hannah, however, needs to look like a "Bond Girl!" I think we made it after two hours of watching her try on little tiny dresses in a body that I would kill to have myself. We finally picked three after lots of giggling and sorting through dresses. I'm glad I accepted the fact that she wanted to do this shopping trip with me!

We picked out shoes too! Now that was another experience because the cute little boy sales clerk was flirting outrageously with her. He admitted to her that he thought she was graduating. Oh boy Dad we are in trouble. Why do I know in my heart that Scott would have been standing right there alive so I know he was there in spirit. The last time Hannah and I shopped for dresses was before Scott died. We argued and he had to intervene. Today wasn't like that! It was a perfect afternoon/evening. I am so very blessed to have Hannah in my life. God new what he was doing when she was given to me. She is my old soul with a very powerful spirit.

We came home and I watched her try on all three dresses that we bought and practice in her first real pair of heels. Oh my! Scott you had better be making sure she is protected from above! Hannah then had a fashion show for my friend, Rhonda who came over to help me with these decorations. What a great evening. For the first time in a long time I didn't feel lost on a Friday night. No boredom here! Mike came to pick up Hannah for the weekend so we had another fashion show. The look on his face was priceless. I think I'm handling the teenage girl idea better then he is! I, however, am sure that I will be losing the "date" bet with her looking like that. I tried though! Let's just say it is fun to have a good relationship with you ex enough to say, "Who you gonna set me up with!" His answer was, "I've got some ideas!"

I liked tonight! I love having the perfect life with Hannah. I'm still so afraid of being alone for the next two months but I have a feeling Hannah would be here in a heartbeat if I need her. We have our moments of battles but the love is such a deep bond with my beautiful, heartbreaker daughter. I know all I ever have to do is ask and she is there for me! I know she worries deeply about me being alone as life continues to live forward. I know with her I have truly been surrounded by light and love! She gives me strength to LIVE, LAUGH and LOVE! Somehow I have a feeling, "It's Okay. I love you!" will continue to fill my life. I will be loved again but I'm good with the love of my daughter, my friends and my family.

To Be Cared For

"The world is not divided into the strong who care and the weak who are cared for. We must each in turn care and be cared for, not just because it is good for us, but because it is the way things are." -Sheila Cassidy

It is so hard to admit I need to be cared for. I'm getting through all of this on sheer force some days. I know that I have so much hope, light and love surrounding me but during this last year it has been very hard to just stop and let someone else take care of me. Even when others are trying I still resist. I curl up inside my head and hide. I write and you are here but sometimes I bury what I'm really feeling so deep inside that I can just barrel on through life. Even now after all that has moved forward I have to remind myself to stop and ask to be cared for. I have to ask permission to have my hand held or little things done for me. I have to ask myself permission to accept others who are willing to care for me.

I'm such a caregiver. I'm so used to solving others problems and making others lives better that it is hard to look at myself in the mirror and admit that even after a 13.5 months I still need a shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold me. I need someone to tell me a joke to make me smile or offer to do my nose bopping for me. I can take charge of decorations, I can organize paperwork and make things happen everywhere except for myself. It is really easy for me to hide from the rest of the world but is it okay to admit I would like moments where someone else takes charge and just knows without a doubt that I can't admit to my weaknesses. I have so many friends that will do that for me and do that for me all the time.

I think I'm a really good actress some days. Sometimes I open up and say help me but I'm just not as strong as I let others think I am. I need someone to take me and care for me. Let me admit that I'm really not very good at being alone all the time. I have soon to face being alone for two months. I have to be here for the first time truly alone. Last summer I wasn't left alone very often. This summer will be different, so very different. In less then two weeks I will be alone and I'm scared to death. I need a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, a hug. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to face my life so soon in an empty house. I need to be cared for I need someone to make me smile and give me a hug. I want so very much to be cared for so I can find my strength again to keep living forward.

Power to Do

"What lies in our power to do, it lies in our power not to do." - Aristotle

We all have the good and the bad inside us. It is up to each of us to choose the way we want our journey to go when "bad things happen to good people." Each day since Scott's death I have had to make the choice to have the power to keep going. Sometimes that means I fight with all my energy to get what I need to stay healthy or I put a specific song on my ipod and cry all the way to work. I did both today. This morning I needed to know I'm not alone here. On the days I feel disappointment, loss, pain, and a whole host of other emotions sometimes I have to work to get myself to my smile.

I have a public face and a private face. I think we all do to some extent but there is a point where I have to make the choice to stop the public face because it sends me into overload and get into a place where I can have my private face. I still haven't reached a day that I don't cry at least once. Some days it is only in the shower in the am or just at bedtime when I feel so alone. Other days I cry at the drop of the hat. I know I have come so far when I can sit here watching Scotty on American Idol and hear my Scott's little country twang. There are so many things I miss and I know most people can only imagine what goes through my head at different times. I also know I have spots in my life that give me meaning. New people with new personal jokes. Life does just happen to keep going.

I have made the most powerful choice to keep living. I have made the decision to not just float through whatever days I have left. I was told the sweetest thing today by a complete stranger. I am working on developing a new program at work when this new patient and her husband stopped by so that I could verify their insurance. As we were finishing up they both looked at me with greatest sincerity and said, "it is so nice to meet someone so sweet and kind. They have the right person in this job!" Do you know what that does for my doldrums. I was out of my poor pitiful me morning. I made it back to my real smile. I know I make a difference in so many lives but I also know that my work is not the only definition of me.

I am so much more then that and I have so much more to give from my heart. Now as I listen to "I Hope You Dance" on American Idol I feel the music giving me the power to keep making the choices I need to live forward. I will Dance, I will keep giving faith a fighting chance. I know the strength is in my own heart to keep living forward surrounded by light and love!

Nose Bopping

"and the walls start coming down, your heart starts to open up, and you find happiness once again" -a FB friend's status shuffle

I'm still very protective of my heart but I do find lots of moments of happiness. Then there the moments I want to Bop someone in the nose. I guess that means this is my life for now. I'm trying but I guess my happiness includes a bit of a hollow spot. I have the moments where I just feel life around me. It was a night/day like that for me. I love my daughter and I'm trying to throw myself out there but I feel like I'm floating above the crowd watching life happen around me.

I guess I'm worn out and tired. That is when that feeling overwhelms me. I had a wonderful conversation with my boss today. It really helped to feel like the skills I have in my job matter. My team works so hard and they make me want to come to work. My patients make me want to come to work. I just wish I could hit the lottery, become a best selling author, have some long lost relative leave me money, anything that I could become a hermit or do only the things I have the energy to do. I know, sounds nuts but you can ask my dearest friend from college! She'll tell you I've talked about being a hermit for at least 20 years.

I think for me that means I am happiest in my home with the people I love the most. I have not a clue what that means anymore but I'm trying to let those big heavy bricks of the wall around my life loosen and let others into my world. Oh maybe a bit at a time. Tonight I'm just done for the day. I'm done with stress and craziness. I think a nice padded cell today would have been perfect today. The funny thing is I still feel calm cool and collected. The other day at my doctor's appt my blood pressure after having been yelled at work was 98/72. Peace I feel complete peace even in all this stress. I feel like my prayers for light and love are being answered.

I feel at peace when I stand in a room full of people floating above looking around. I feel the spiritual awareness to where I am closer to where I will be. It is funny today someone mentioned the end of the world might be this weekend. We don't really know but I'm prepared because I know I live each day where I am supposed to be. I will keep making each step forward, each day to it's fullest because I'm in peace with who I am and where I am. I may be alone in the crowd, no dance partner to share life with but I'm at peace with me. Now who will bail me out of jail when I finally lose my temper and bop someone on the nose?

To a Quiet Mind

Today was a three Pepsi day - which I never do! If I drink one it is usually where I cut myself off. I must have needed it because I certainly got tons of work done. At one point though I was literaly buried in paperwork. I was answering an email trying to find my keyboard underneath it all. It is a good thing I type by touch!  It's not enough though. I don't want to be defined by who my job is although I love helping my patients. Who knows maybe I need a night out with drinks - which I really NEVER do!

"Go in all simplicity; do not be anxious to win a quiet mind, and it will be all the quieter. Do not examine so closely into the progress of your soul. Do not crave so much to be perfect, but let your spiritual life be formed by your duties, and by the actions which are called forth by circumstances. Do not take overmuch thought for tomorrow, God who has led you safely on so far, will lead you on to the end." -Francis De Sales

I have struggled with this since before the loss of Scott. As you can tell from my day that I strive so hard to do all the right things. I make mistakes all the time but I never stop trying. I, however, have learned to admit when I need to stop and slow down. I can't say yes to it all and I can't be something for everyone. When I get into that "Three Pepsi" kind of day I have learned how to stop and focus on what I need to do for me so that I can get back into being there for others! Most importantly Hannah.

When I was Hannah's age I embroidered a sampler for my Grandmother. It says "As You Go Through Life Take Time to Smell the Flowers!" It was hung in my craft room years ago when my Grams gave it back to me for after her passing. When Hannah and I changed rooms she requested that it remain in her room for her connection to memories and Grams. I think about how many hours I spent in patient work to complete that work of art. I need to pull from my ability to spend hours in needlework to have the patience in my own life. To turn a pile of mess into something beautiful and amazing. I am that person still but when I go into overload taking the time to step back and find my self again takes work.

I came home to the simplicity of my garden and quiet reflection. Tonight I found the peace of my heart to return to my life and keep going. This morning I didn't think that was possible because I felt like Eeyore, "nobody loves me!" I know that isn't true. The problem comes from me not loving myself. I will make it, I do have it in my heart to stop find the simplicity to keep living forward. My heart is here, I have open arms for today. I know I will do with what I can tomorrow but today is all that matters!

Lemons!

Here I am another Sunday night and counting. I keep busy. I really try to focus but sometimes I feel like the batch of lemons is overwhelming some days. I can only stir so many pitchers of lemonade. I guess I need to learn how to make lemon pie. Whose up for some taste testing! I know I have a great life but on Sundays I just can't help thinking that my life was so much better before. I can't stop questioning the will of God today. I don't have the patience to deal with more lemons. I don't have the power today to feel blessed with what I have. I don't know why. I haven't let it take me over though. I have taken my mind to other places.

I feel like sitting an crying. I hate it when I feel oh poor pitiful me. That is not who I am and it is not how I define my life. I love Hannah and what we have together. It just feels today as if a huge chunk of my life is gone and I have to be like this forever. I am whining. I'm a big huge crybaby I guess. I try so very hard to just keep going. I make it most days. Today not so much.

Instead of feeling that pain I have gone into activity overload. I have planted ten pots of plants out in the garden, cut hundreds of pieces of paper to make decorations for the band banquet, tackled Wal-mart and the grocery store with Hannah, mounds of laundry and making Disneyland Mint Juleps! I found a new use for lemonade! I just threw myself into tasks. I jumped from task to task at some points but well here it is the end of the day.

Tomorrow is a new day. Maybe something good will happen or maybe I will keep finding chores to make it through each day. At some point maybe I will find a better life then I had before but really this is just still a bit of a half life for me. I guess I'd better go google more recipes to do with lemons. (darn TV commercials with talking lemons)!

Beauty Pageant of Life

"Don't Stop Believing" was playing in my head when I woke up this morning. I must have had a visit last night to keep believing in the my life. Today Hannah had some volunteer hours to achieve for her confirmation next fall so I found her volunteer time at the Ms Senior Waco pageant. I helped out too because the ladies coordinating the program are friends of mine and former coworkers. It was great fun afternoon to see these beautiful "young" ladies competing. One of the ladies in the contest spoke of losing her husband of 63 years last year and then shortly there after her son. She did what her husband and God would expect from her. She heard the words in her head, not in her own voice, "Be Happy and keep going!"

I had tears in my eyes looking at these fantastic women who have strength and power to survive life. I want to be happy. I looked across the room and could see happiness. I can't stop believing that I get to find my way to more love. That I will have more in my life then business and work after Hannah leaves the house. One of my friends today lost her husband 8 months ago. I was in the hospital room with her when he passed away. I felt him leave his body. Today she has found happiness and love. She has remarried a wonderful man who supports her but also understands her loss. I could feel the love surrounding them.

To look across a room of people and see a smile just for you, to receive a hug in a smile that is magic. That is what makes this world go around. Those women today proved to me what I already knew. Love is the secret to a long healthy life. I may not get to be married for 63 years but any possibility that there is someone out there to share my heart with is worth believing in. I don't care about money or things. They make life a little easier but they don't give me happiness.

Hannah and I went to dinner this afternoon in our routines. I love my little girl so very much. We came home napped on the patio. I was looking at the palms that have yet to come back when I finally stood on the ladder to see if they have died too. They are gone. Seems like God is sending me another message. I hated those palms for being part of my loss of Scott and now they have died too! He loved those DARN palm tress must have been enough to need to take the reminders out. The symbolism isn't lost on me! Those trees are coming out and I have to plant something new. Life continues and changes happen. I am living forward. To me it isn't moving on because my memories have shaped me. When I was finally able to be outside and accept the trees they are gone.

I will keep believing that I will get the Magic of across the room. I deserve to "Be Happy!" and "Don't Stop Believing" in myself and my own ability to make Magic in the lives of others! I will keep living forward and have the patience to know that I am happy in my life and when I least expect it my fairytale may get to continue. I love my life most of the time and some of the time it is okay if I have moments of my life is crap. I keep living forward and finding my smile to share with others.

Puzzles

"Out of every crisis come the chance to be reborn, to reconceive ourselves as individuals, to choose the kind of change that will help us to grow and to fulfill ourselves more completely." -Nena O'Neill

I didn't get to write yesterday but that was a good thing for me. I went to bed early for me. Now I'm not saying I slept but I read and destressed myself. I had a huge complement yesterday from a coworker. Our maintenance guy was fixing the a/c in our office. He told me "You must be an incredible Mom! You have this amazing quality about you. You never get real ruffled and you have this peace and patience. You have taken a part of something horrible and grown." I did tell him I have my moments but yes I have changed.

This evening I was waiting on my car at the dealership getting her oil changed. As I was sitting there Oprah was on in the lounge area, she was talking about moments that were most inspirational to her during her shows. There was a woman who had dealt with the loss of her daughter and how she realized she had to make a change, embrace the memories of her daughter and keep living to honor her daughter. That is exactly who and what I want. I would not be true to Scott's memories if I continued to focus on his death.

I have grown so very far in my life over this last year. The piece of that puzzle is that I have to keep focusing on more growth. If I stop learning then I have finished where I am in life. My goal though isn't about me but about giving what I have learned to others. I have my smile, laughter and love to share. Today someone jokingly said to me, stick with me and I'll make you rich. My instant thought was I just want love. I have so much love from so many people. I want that to never stop but for that to keep happening I must keep living forward and loving forward.

During Oprah's show today she also said, "when you are in a relationship you bring from your past the things that you need to heal from." I agree! I healed from lots of things in my past with Scott. I will keep growing and learning from what I have survived in this pain. I know who I am most days but it really is a never-ending puzzle. I want to keep finding "sunshine on a cloudy day in the month of May!" This puzzle has more then fit in the box, just like Mary Poppins carpet bag. Puzzles are always a lot more fun when working with a group of people.

Hidden Treasure

"Each substance of a grief hath twenty shadows." -William Shakespeare

I am getting through each shadow of grief. There are things that happen that I don't even expect. Today we went to lunch and I passed on a detour a path I didn't even know I had taken before because it was from the opposite direction. Overwhelming memories of being on those streets and in those buildings with Scott. I often wonder if there will be a time that something doesn't strike me. It isn't painful just a wave of loneliness for the laughter and love.

"Never forget that you are not alone. The Divine is with you helping and guiding.. He is the companion who never fails, the friend whose love comforts and strengthens. Have faith and He will do everything for you." -Aurobindo (Hindu)

I know those spots are great memories that keep my heart full of love and laughter. I know that where ever I go I am surround by that light and love. I know I have so many great new memories attached to those old ones. I do still feel the pain but I am able to be in the world and live forward. I understand so much more then I ever did before Scott died. I also know myself. I accept those moments of memories because they keep me going into whatever life I may be patiently waiting to continue.

I have so many things to focus upon that keep me in my smiles. I have so many people that I want to keep going for. I can't wait to find more joy and happiness. I can't wait to have a new path to drive past with new memories. Scott loved to drive me around all the places he had lived and point out his memories. His life is forever entwined into mine. I still have many more memories to make. I just take each day I am given and find those moments to treasure. Driving a detour today was like a special treasure hunt just for me. Look up, look around, your treasure might just be somewhere you have been before!

I GIVE UP!

Always remember that God's dream for your life is so much bigger than your own. He's going to bring people across your path, who will help you, and He's going to arrange new opportunities for you along the way. You'll look back and say, "That was a God moment. I never could have orchestrated that all on my own." -Joel Osteen


Do you know how often I feel that! Why do people fight those  moments? What are we all so afraid of in life? I couldn't have orchestrated some of the things that happen each day in my life. I can't imagine having some of the people in my life if it weren't for God. It happens daily for me. I have just been able to accept all of the odd moments of the things that happen.
 
I have had a rough week but I keep going. Until this afternoon when I sat in my office sobbing! Rhonda and I were talking about my life and how I have one that many people would envy. A beautiful, smart, funny daughter, wonderful parents, friends who hold my hand and make me smile when I don't even know I need it. I have a nice home, a good job, and take vacations that are dreams! Yet here I am with all of this and I miss that partnership. I would trade most of it to have a yelling, door slamming, pouting fight with Scott.
 
I get so frustrated sometimes with people who just don't seem to care. I do have contact with some really amazing people but there are just enough who are place holders in life and don't even see what is right in front of their faces! The next time you want to pick a fight with your spouse or significant other remember there is someone right here who would love to have that chance again!
 
Tonight I came home listening to my usual station on the radio when I went back out to the car to go to my Band Backers meeting (my lifeline) the station was on something different. Rhonda laughs at me when stuff keeps happening around me! I just say hello Scott and keep going! Sometimes I may ask why or what am I not doing right but there are so many things that our vision is too limited to see. It is like when you lose something and it turns up in a spot you have looked! Or suddenly the light bulb comes on to look in a certain spot or you had some information but it is gone from your computer so you have to call a specific person again! Have you ever thought that you were meant to interact with that person. You could have made their day with a kind word or a simple joke.
 
I think that so many times a day. On Sunday, Hannah and I went home a completely different way. Our normal path was blocked by construction and our secondary path was blocked by traffic. I went a way Scott and I used to travel together from work on the backroad. This same path I could take a bit out of the way but the shorter road goes right past the turn for Scott's pond. I made the turn. It is only the second time in 13 months that I have made that turn. I felt the draw to show Hannah where he was. We weren't out there for long. I cried but that isn't anything new! After we left I sped off down the road at my usual speed out there. In all the years I've gone that way I got stopped. Hannah says I played the dead husband card to just get a warning ticket. I told him the truth when he asked me where we were coming from and why we were out there!  I have to accept there was a reason my Angel wanted me to slow down.
 
I trust in God to surround me with light and love, protect me, guide me and show me the way. If you are drawn to something or someone trust your heart and God's power to lead you on the right path. We still have the freedom of choice but sometimes you just shouldn't try to fight what is right in front of you! Sometimes I have to just say "I GIVE UP!" and trust in God. I may want something to happen but I need to stop and listen because I may already have the answer but the patience to wait for it to happen isn't always easy!

Connecting the Dots

"The warm air makes me dream of what was, and of what would be if you were here. I know that this dream is but an inaptitude to live the present. I allow myself to drift on this current without looking too far or too deep. I await the moment when I will find my strength again. It will come." - Anne Philipe

There really are so many things that take me backwards into my memories. That is a good thing not just for me but those around me. Scott was a huge part of my life for a very short time. Our relationship hasn't ruined me to another but taught me what love really means. I will know when the time is right when that someone is there for me that I don't compare to Scott. My friend Monica and I were talking the other day about Scott and I. Our relationship formed in front of an audience. Some agreed some didn't but to us that didn't matter. It was about us! It was as if we knew our time was limited and we needed to make the most of it.

I want to be that comfortable again in a friendship first. It was a gradual change where suddenly I knew his opinions mattered. We had what was right for us. It made us solid but we still had fights. I miss those fights though. I miss knowing that the one person who could always get what was bothering me was Scott. I laugh and think about being stalked throughout the house until I talked. Scott taught me that it was good to be taken care of and supported. He wasn't always that way thought. He had his moments of cluelessness but he eventually listened. There will never be another Scott for me but I can find another who is themselves. I know so many new things about me these days but finding the memories in a smell, a joke, a holiday, etc. are all important things to keep living forward.

My heart is big enough for more. I can make it to more! Until then I've got so many things I need to be doing to be the "perfect" Mom. I may not get to be the "perfect" wife but I can do the things I need to do for Hannah. So here I go throwing myself into activities that keep me from sitting around moping for what should have been. I know I have the power to live, love and laugh. Maybe eventually I will have the power to sleep! I just keep wishing for that one! Maybe that one comes attached to something else. Who knows if I could go to the grocery store alone maybe I might sleep. Don't know how those two items could be connected but just a thought! Where's the numbers that fill in the pretty picture 1, 2, 3, 4, ... Nope life doesn't come with easy step by step to living forward!

Challenge to Date

Do you know what happens when you don't sleep? When you can't sleep is actually more like it! I have horrible thoughts. I try to distract myself. I try to get my medicine just right but that doesn't work. I'm trying but I'm not succeeding. I'm really good at pretending for everyone else around me. I can answer the question, "How are you doing?" so well now that it is just really easier to tell everyone "I'm making it!"

I am making it but I'm miserable on the inside at least at I am miserable at 2am when I can't sleep and I don't know how to sooth myself. I hate this part of me. I hate that I can't be who I really am; part of Scott and Kristen. I miss that person holding me when I can't sleep. I miss that person who was beside me cuddling me, talking to me, helping me sleep. I miss his smell and warmth. I miss him.

I am trying and I am ready to try new things and keep making new steps but the times that I backslide are not easy. Yesterday Hannah and I were laughing and she said we should have a bet! Who can find a date first! Funny that my daughter is ready to date and I'm still taking baby steps! It is so funny to think about something like that!

One minute I think I can make that step the next minute I think my life is now only about Hannah. I am sorry I'm so pitiful again. I will make it just needed to get all the thoughts out of my head and try to focus on my life now. I don't need to focus on what is missing but it is hard. I need to focus on where I am right this moment. I miss my life yes but I do still have a life and some very amazing people in it. I need to learn how to get through the middle of the night alone without my furry monkey next to me. I am living in this battle day by day. I just need to reformulate my battle plan. To bad I'm not much of a warrior.

So here I go, paste the smile back on my face and tell the world I'm living forward and I am making it! Yes really I'm living through the PTSD, pain and anxiety I am winning the war. I think I might need papers to prove that to myself - does anyone know where I can get a set? So here I go headed to bed once again and try to make it to a new day! Maybe I will find the real smile again, at least in my day to make a difference for someone else. Now the real question is should I take Hannah's challenge or just let her win?

Stepping Stones

Wow. Something struck me hard today. We are doing what we do every Mothers Day - spend it with Mom. Last year I was just in a huge fog. I didn't even know who I was or what I was supposed to be doing. Yet here I am again. I'm so very lucky to be in the middle of the most important women in my life; my mother and my daughter!

I woke up this morning in my room at Mom's with as always my pillows long ways so I have 'someone' to snuggle. I don't know if that will ever go away but it is soothing for me. I woke up remembering all kinds of things but that is a normal morning for me and that's okay. We've had a very nice day. So different yet the same.

Two years ago Scott, Hannah and I made these stepping stones for Mom and Grams and they are still displayed prominently in Mom's garden. I walk pass them, smile and tear up still. I wish so much to rewind but I know I have to live forward. So I celebrate My Mom and being a Mom to my beautiful daughter!

I know I am so fortunate to have been loved so deeply by my Grandmother and Scott. They gave me the strength to live! Now I hope I can continue to honor their love for me by living forward. Tonight we went to dinner at a great little Thai place. Suddenly in walk two of Mom's friends whom we ran into last Mother's Day in a different restaurant. I don't understand why but it seems to have a meaning.

As I sit outside on the swing looking up at the big Texas Sky I know there is more in store. It doesn't change the fact I miss being held and loved like that though. It always seems to be the special memories and dates will be destined for a moment of tears. I can only hope that someone will reach out and hold my hand again someday.

Friends and Smiles

Do you ever just have friends that make you smile and laugh and perk you up even when you didn't know you needed it? I didn't realize how tightly I was wound today until I had two friends do that for me out of the blue! Two people I care for very much but have gotten to know them even better over the last year.

I have others who've known me for a long time do that all the time but it is an added bonus when someone touches you enough to be allowed into the inner circle of friends. I keep saying that I have so many people in my life for so many different reasons but I don't always understand. It just makes it easier to live forward.

After talking with one friend today I cried over something after our conversation that I can't even explain. I don't know if it was the tone of voice, the look in the eye, the words themselves! Most likely a combo of all but simple words brought tears. It wasn't a sad cry though and it didn't last long. Maybe it was the feeling of peace and answers becaue of prayers. I accept those who are in my life for reasons I don't see. I hold the hands of friendship to help me on my journey.

Those will have a special place in my heart just as with my inner circle. May I continue to feel the peace flow through me as I journey forward

Hand of God

"When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned and the flame shall not consume you." Isaiah 43:2

God is promising to hold our hands through anything. If we reach for him he will be there or he will provide for us in our time of need. He doesn't promise us that we will be immune from any of these things. It also means that we will all be given challenges to rise up towards the hands of God. I have learned how to be at peace through all of these hurdles that have been given to me. I know that each one of us has a battle to live through the obstacles. But in that battle there is power!

I have daily challenges but I surround myself in my protective bubble of prayer for light and love. I reach out for the Hands to guide me. It was supposed to be one of those all planned out days when everything was going good but God had other ideas! I made sure my first priority was Hannah and doing the things I had to do for her. When I got her settled I was able to drop my own personal plans and go to my Mother-in-law. She broke her other hip today. I wasn't with her the entire time but got to her, talked to the surgeon and made her feel better. I got her settled into her room because it was where I was supposed to be.

I don't do things like this for recognition or to show off. I do it because I am feel the right thing to do in my heart. I want to know that I touch a life for the better. I want to love and be loved. As I left her tonight she told me she didn't want me to leave her, that I had spoiled her. I told her I'm right down the street if she needs me as she was drifting off into a medicated sleep. I do this because of my love for Scott. He loves her and I can't not honor that love. I love her too. Her year has been worse then mine could ever be. I want her to know that I am also honoring God's journey for me. I was in the right place.

I have learned to reach for God to guide me and protect me. I only hope I can pass that love on. I want to know that I matter to others that I make a difference. I don't want anything but love in return. That is what matters for me! I feel the peace is within my bubble of light and love. I will make a difference in each day I have been given! I will keep living forward because I've been given the days to make a difference!

Catepiller into a Butterfly

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us. ~Alexander Graham Bell

This is certainly something someone who has lost anything in life hears all the time. You lose a job you hear it! You have someone you love deeply pass away you hear it! That is one of those phrases that just frankly you really get sick of hearing. But at some point something happens. You move a pill bottle on the counter, you put away a baseball cap, you take down a picture from the wall that formed your entire little family unit and change the way the arrangement is on the wall.

I keep telling you I'm different but I have not told you the entire story. I forgave myself. I am different because I found it in my heart to forgive myself for letting him leave the house, for being so upset with things that were out of our control. When I was able to forgive myself I took the largest step that I have to face. You see I have mentioned this very rarely. I love Scott always and my memories are who I am but I have finally made the choice to step outside of my comfort zone. That choice was to move my beautiful diamond rings from my left hand to my right hand. I haven't given them up they are part of who I am but I made the choice to live forward. Scott wants for me what is in my power to do and be.

Moving those rings means I am open to face the possibility of doors opening. I don't want to be stuck staring at my past when I have a future that I am supposed to live. I'm not jumping into the deep end but doing what I do best listening with my heart for the light and love. I will know what is right for me at the right time. There is a path of love that is leading me forward. I'm not alone because I have God, Scott, friends and family. I have found the peace to move forward.

Tonight I sat outside in my place of peace working on my embroidery, reflecting on my life. I choose to share how I have changed because the time is right. I will keep going in my journey to live forward. And here is the other one you hear often, God has a purpose for (insert loved one's name). Those statements don't hurt so very often. I have become this different person kicking and screaming. I know I have more work but I have to keep living. I don't have it in me to play the martyr and hide in my own panic and pain. Someday I may fly with the butterflies again but I am emerging from my cocoon.

TLC

I think I'm crazy most days. Today I decided I am! On the way home from work I had a panic attack about something I can't even control. Then I just started crying out of the blue. Wow it really does happen. When an emotion needs to get out it will come out whether you want it to or not!  I don't know if I had reached my stress limit for the day, or my year of sleeping in small chunks of time was catching up with me but really I wanted to yell at myself to just get over it.

I got home laid down for a couple of hours and then managed to have panic dreams. I made myself get up get dressed and go to my band banquet meeting. I texted Rhonda for moral support but that was not easy. I'm better now but I felt like I needed to go check myself into the psych ward. I haven't had those feelings for some time now. I think I just suddenly felt this immense loneliness that it made me doubt myself. You know those feelings of being an insecure teen - the panic was that feeling. Those feelings have subsided so much over the last year. I miss my rock, my support, my best friend to make me laugh and not worry so much.

I have so many people who do that for me now and I don't know what I would be like without each one of you. However, I want someone to hold my hand look at me and make the rest of the world disappear. I know it is possible to love again. I have that capacity because God has given me the knowledge that love makes us stronger. I just hate doubting "why would anyone want me!" I just have those moments where I feel broken still. I am so much stronger then I was through all these months so it does surprise me when I am hit with the panic, the doubts and fears about who I am.

So with this I do what I know how to do! Please surround me with your light and love, guide me, protect me and show me the way! Now I smile and move on into different tasks! I focus on the things I'm good at and I make a difference in someone else's life without asking for anything in return because I do still have love to give. In that knowledge I will think of my patient with ALS for whom I will bend the ends of the Earth to make his days better! If it is to tell him I will find out about his power chair repairs even when I know the answer or sneak him a Pepsi even when he can't have it because he aspirates! I will do what I can to make my smile give him joy! I will make a difference! I do matter I just have to stop the self-doubt!

Storytelling

"Anyone who tells a story speaks a world into being." - Michael Williams


This is one statement that can be true not just in the telling of the story of the life of the person you love but also in the telling of your own story. Scott's life was more then our moments together. He was an entire life before me. I still am fascinated hearing the stories from other people. The moments that he shared with me. I have both sides of the book. I loved listening to him tell me all about his life. He tried so hard to make up for lost time together. He always told me our life should have started in my home town where he had his first seizure! Life is connected you just never know when or how you will intersect.

As I sit here writing I think about my own story. It's not over I have so much more to live and share. This journey is where I am supposed to be. I share with the hopes that I can make a difference in someone else's life. Truthfully, though, I would rather be writing a story of my own imagination. I would rather be writing an intruquing romance novel. That story isn't one that comes from my fingers at the moment. What I have is my life to give.

Today a friend of mine commented once again on how patient I am. I chuckled to myself and thought "if you only knew!" Then I think about the person I have the least patience with is always myself. I want my story to keep moving on. I know that in my writing I have found my own way to heal, my own way to keep living forward into this new person I have become. I want to keep writing until my story has a place to end. I want to know that I matter to someone as much as Scott matters to me. I still look for him even though I know he is gone. It doesn't seem fair that I look in every Tundra that passes but I keep living. I haven't just stopped my life. I will keep living my own story. Now who stole my romantic scenes because I personally think I'm boring!

Creating Fact

"Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact." -William James

Sometimes this is so much easier for all of us to think then do. I know even before Scott died I had many a moment that I didn't believe in myself or my life. I have had such guilt at times for some of the arguments we had, for some of the moments we missed because I was being selfish or the just because he walked out of this house. I know in my heart I can't change anything that occurred in any of our days. I can only change who I am at this moment in time and live life now as if it has a purpose.

I have walked and lived so many miles this year. I keep living forward and I do believe that I have a purpose to keep living. I will make it one step at a time and keep finding places in my life that give me joy and hope. I have peace in my heart because I believe in my faith. I believe without a doubt in the possibility of the unknown. I don't have the answers but I trust that I will make it because of my faith in light and love. I have an open heart to knowing "it's okay! I love you!" matters in my life to pass along to others.