Blue Skies

"So often, we believe that we have come to a place that is void of hope and void of possibilities,only to find that it is the very hopelessness that allows us to hit bottom, give up our illusion of control, turn it over, and ask for help. Out of the ashes of our hopelessness comes the fire of our hope." -Anne Wilson Schaef

"At the bottom of the well, one can look up and see the sky." -Martha Whitmore Hicks

That hopelessness and despair has permeated more days for me then I care to remember. There are lots of days that I don't even remember. This is very odd coming from me. I remember all kinds of details. Scott used to laugh and say he was the big idea man and I was the detailer to make it happen. I've sat for more hours doing nothing. Staring at mind numbing television - House Hunters International and iCarly - but these days the TV rarely comes on and I face life head on. Most days.

My mind has been nonstop on my friends, family and my hometown these days. I sat this afternoon at my desk crying over learning of the loss of my elementary school and junior high! Now all I have is the memories.  A few years ago when we were in town we drove past them all with Hannah. We did the tour of my past. Scott wanted to do that tour with me but we never got the chance. It's been one of those things hanging out in my mind that I wanted to conquer but now I don't have to address the thought. When I return it will be all different and it will never be the place I was going to share with Scott. Our lives will forever be connected by that town that we shared at different spots in our life but never together.

I can look up now and see the blue of the sky. I can feel the sun on my face. I feel hope and the possibility of a future. I know how to live and I know how to love. I have friends from the past to give a helping hand just as I have been given so many hands to hold me. I know how to live outside of the darkness and despair. Living forward is a possibility with lots of prayer. My prayers allow me to treasure each day I have been given. They allow me to help others. I know that there are so many people in  my life who have "changed me for the good."  I know that it is up to me to take that and make it for the better, not just for myself but as many people I can reach. I know that I have a gift and it is up to me to share. It is up to me to keep living, smiling and loving. I am who I am today because I knew you! One of Scott's favorite songs to sing with Laynie was "Blue Skies" by Willie Nelson. I owe it to him and our love to keep looking for the Blue Skies of happiness!