Power to Do

"What lies in our power to do, it lies in our power not to do." - Aristotle

We all have the good and the bad inside us. It is up to each of us to choose the way we want our journey to go when "bad things happen to good people." Each day since Scott's death I have had to make the choice to have the power to keep going. Sometimes that means I fight with all my energy to get what I need to stay healthy or I put a specific song on my ipod and cry all the way to work. I did both today. This morning I needed to know I'm not alone here. On the days I feel disappointment, loss, pain, and a whole host of other emotions sometimes I have to work to get myself to my smile.

I have a public face and a private face. I think we all do to some extent but there is a point where I have to make the choice to stop the public face because it sends me into overload and get into a place where I can have my private face. I still haven't reached a day that I don't cry at least once. Some days it is only in the shower in the am or just at bedtime when I feel so alone. Other days I cry at the drop of the hat. I know I have come so far when I can sit here watching Scotty on American Idol and hear my Scott's little country twang. There are so many things I miss and I know most people can only imagine what goes through my head at different times. I also know I have spots in my life that give me meaning. New people with new personal jokes. Life does just happen to keep going.

I have made the most powerful choice to keep living. I have made the decision to not just float through whatever days I have left. I was told the sweetest thing today by a complete stranger. I am working on developing a new program at work when this new patient and her husband stopped by so that I could verify their insurance. As we were finishing up they both looked at me with greatest sincerity and said, "it is so nice to meet someone so sweet and kind. They have the right person in this job!" Do you know what that does for my doldrums. I was out of my poor pitiful me morning. I made it back to my real smile. I know I make a difference in so many lives but I also know that my work is not the only definition of me.

I am so much more then that and I have so much more to give from my heart. Now as I listen to "I Hope You Dance" on American Idol I feel the music giving me the power to keep making the choices I need to live forward. I will Dance, I will keep giving faith a fighting chance. I know the strength is in my own heart to keep living forward surrounded by light and love!