TLC

I think I'm crazy most days. Today I decided I am! On the way home from work I had a panic attack about something I can't even control. Then I just started crying out of the blue. Wow it really does happen. When an emotion needs to get out it will come out whether you want it to or not!  I don't know if I had reached my stress limit for the day, or my year of sleeping in small chunks of time was catching up with me but really I wanted to yell at myself to just get over it.

I got home laid down for a couple of hours and then managed to have panic dreams. I made myself get up get dressed and go to my band banquet meeting. I texted Rhonda for moral support but that was not easy. I'm better now but I felt like I needed to go check myself into the psych ward. I haven't had those feelings for some time now. I think I just suddenly felt this immense loneliness that it made me doubt myself. You know those feelings of being an insecure teen - the panic was that feeling. Those feelings have subsided so much over the last year. I miss my rock, my support, my best friend to make me laugh and not worry so much.

I have so many people who do that for me now and I don't know what I would be like without each one of you. However, I want someone to hold my hand look at me and make the rest of the world disappear. I know it is possible to love again. I have that capacity because God has given me the knowledge that love makes us stronger. I just hate doubting "why would anyone want me!" I just have those moments where I feel broken still. I am so much stronger then I was through all these months so it does surprise me when I am hit with the panic, the doubts and fears about who I am.

So with this I do what I know how to do! Please surround me with your light and love, guide me, protect me and show me the way! Now I smile and move on into different tasks! I focus on the things I'm good at and I make a difference in someone else's life without asking for anything in return because I do still have love to give. In that knowledge I will think of my patient with ALS for whom I will bend the ends of the Earth to make his days better! If it is to tell him I will find out about his power chair repairs even when I know the answer or sneak him a Pepsi even when he can't have it because he aspirates! I will do what I can to make my smile give him joy! I will make a difference! I do matter I just have to stop the self-doubt!