Challenge to Date

Do you know what happens when you don't sleep? When you can't sleep is actually more like it! I have horrible thoughts. I try to distract myself. I try to get my medicine just right but that doesn't work. I'm trying but I'm not succeeding. I'm really good at pretending for everyone else around me. I can answer the question, "How are you doing?" so well now that it is just really easier to tell everyone "I'm making it!"

I am making it but I'm miserable on the inside at least at I am miserable at 2am when I can't sleep and I don't know how to sooth myself. I hate this part of me. I hate that I can't be who I really am; part of Scott and Kristen. I miss that person holding me when I can't sleep. I miss that person who was beside me cuddling me, talking to me, helping me sleep. I miss his smell and warmth. I miss him.

I am trying and I am ready to try new things and keep making new steps but the times that I backslide are not easy. Yesterday Hannah and I were laughing and she said we should have a bet! Who can find a date first! Funny that my daughter is ready to date and I'm still taking baby steps! It is so funny to think about something like that!

One minute I think I can make that step the next minute I think my life is now only about Hannah. I am sorry I'm so pitiful again. I will make it just needed to get all the thoughts out of my head and try to focus on my life now. I don't need to focus on what is missing but it is hard. I need to focus on where I am right this moment. I miss my life yes but I do still have a life and some very amazing people in it. I need to learn how to get through the middle of the night alone without my furry monkey next to me. I am living in this battle day by day. I just need to reformulate my battle plan. To bad I'm not much of a warrior.

So here I go, paste the smile back on my face and tell the world I'm living forward and I am making it! Yes really I'm living through the PTSD, pain and anxiety I am winning the war. I think I might need papers to prove that to myself - does anyone know where I can get a set? So here I go headed to bed once again and try to make it to a new day! Maybe I will find the real smile again, at least in my day to make a difference for someone else. Now the real question is should I take Hannah's challenge or just let her win?