Connecting the Dots

"The warm air makes me dream of what was, and of what would be if you were here. I know that this dream is but an inaptitude to live the present. I allow myself to drift on this current without looking too far or too deep. I await the moment when I will find my strength again. It will come." - Anne Philipe

There really are so many things that take me backwards into my memories. That is a good thing not just for me but those around me. Scott was a huge part of my life for a very short time. Our relationship hasn't ruined me to another but taught me what love really means. I will know when the time is right when that someone is there for me that I don't compare to Scott. My friend Monica and I were talking the other day about Scott and I. Our relationship formed in front of an audience. Some agreed some didn't but to us that didn't matter. It was about us! It was as if we knew our time was limited and we needed to make the most of it.

I want to be that comfortable again in a friendship first. It was a gradual change where suddenly I knew his opinions mattered. We had what was right for us. It made us solid but we still had fights. I miss those fights though. I miss knowing that the one person who could always get what was bothering me was Scott. I laugh and think about being stalked throughout the house until I talked. Scott taught me that it was good to be taken care of and supported. He wasn't always that way thought. He had his moments of cluelessness but he eventually listened. There will never be another Scott for me but I can find another who is themselves. I know so many new things about me these days but finding the memories in a smell, a joke, a holiday, etc. are all important things to keep living forward.

My heart is big enough for more. I can make it to more! Until then I've got so many things I need to be doing to be the "perfect" Mom. I may not get to be the "perfect" wife but I can do the things I need to do for Hannah. So here I go throwing myself into activities that keep me from sitting around moping for what should have been. I know I have the power to live, love and laugh. Maybe eventually I will have the power to sleep! I just keep wishing for that one! Maybe that one comes attached to something else. Who knows if I could go to the grocery store alone maybe I might sleep. Don't know how those two items could be connected but just a thought! Where's the numbers that fill in the pretty picture 1, 2, 3, 4, ... Nope life doesn't come with easy step by step to living forward!