To Be Cared For

"The world is not divided into the strong who care and the weak who are cared for. We must each in turn care and be cared for, not just because it is good for us, but because it is the way things are." -Sheila Cassidy

It is so hard to admit I need to be cared for. I'm getting through all of this on sheer force some days. I know that I have so much hope, light and love surrounding me but during this last year it has been very hard to just stop and let someone else take care of me. Even when others are trying I still resist. I curl up inside my head and hide. I write and you are here but sometimes I bury what I'm really feeling so deep inside that I can just barrel on through life. Even now after all that has moved forward I have to remind myself to stop and ask to be cared for. I have to ask permission to have my hand held or little things done for me. I have to ask myself permission to accept others who are willing to care for me.

I'm such a caregiver. I'm so used to solving others problems and making others lives better that it is hard to look at myself in the mirror and admit that even after a 13.5 months I still need a shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold me. I need someone to tell me a joke to make me smile or offer to do my nose bopping for me. I can take charge of decorations, I can organize paperwork and make things happen everywhere except for myself. It is really easy for me to hide from the rest of the world but is it okay to admit I would like moments where someone else takes charge and just knows without a doubt that I can't admit to my weaknesses. I have so many friends that will do that for me and do that for me all the time.

I think I'm a really good actress some days. Sometimes I open up and say help me but I'm just not as strong as I let others think I am. I need someone to take me and care for me. Let me admit that I'm really not very good at being alone all the time. I have soon to face being alone for two months. I have to be here for the first time truly alone. Last summer I wasn't left alone very often. This summer will be different, so very different. In less then two weeks I will be alone and I'm scared to death. I need a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, a hug. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to face my life so soon in an empty house. I need to be cared for I need someone to make me smile and give me a hug. I want so very much to be cared for so I can find my strength again to keep living forward.