Memorial Day

I had to work today. I think that was a good place to be. Memorial Day has always been special for me. When I was a kid my great Aunt (more a grandma) would load me up in the car with the artificial flowers and drive all around southwest Missouri remembering our loved ones. We had a lot of ground to cover. Memorial Day to her having been through a war as a person on the home front was about not just our soldiers but the family members who made sacrifices at home to help in our freedom too. She would tell me our entire family history standing in the cemetery and we would remember all our loved ones. I was always to be the one to continue the tradition but I grew up and moved away.

I know I'm not the only one to suffer a loss. This isn't my first loss but it touches a different place in my heart. I'm trying to find a place to be less sad. It is my job to continue living even when I don't want too. I can honestly say I have times when I want to be with him completely again but it isn't my time. I have a purpose to fulfill. I don't know what it is but trying to find my way to positive and help others will keep me "living" forward.

Have you ever watched "Bewitched" or "Heroes?" They always have episodes where they freeze time and then rearrange things. The people who they do this to always look bewildered and confused trying to figure out how this happened. I feel that way. Who rearranged my life? When you are with someone almost every hour of the day it really makes the pain intense. I keep asking "what am I supposed to do with life?" I don't really know how to make it. I'm just making it up as I go along. Just like with the birth of a baby, there is no rule book. I don't know if I'm doing it right or wrong. I go through all the emotions of grief, sometimes in seconds. I'm a mess and I pray to continue to receive the light of God's love and that of all those who have touched my life and moved on in their journey. One moment at time will give me a place to find quiet and someday comfort.

Major Achievement

Today was not a day to get out of bed much. I haven't done this except one day during the last eight weeks when my body went into overload. This is the first time in my life I've slept consistently each night. Today even after a night's sleep with the help of the "go to sleep" medicine I spent most of the day in bed. Hannah gave me permission and that was all I needed to hear. I dozed off and on. Had some wonderful dreams. I got a big hug from Scott in a beautiful dream today. Dreams have amazing abilities!

I read some off and on. It always made my eyes heavy and I'd fall back to sleep. Yes I did shower today. I even brushed my teeth - eventually. Hannah was making a desert jello cheesecake thing and she needed milk so SHOCK - I showered a second time and actually got dressed at 7pm tonight. She made a list for other things we needed. The list finally got long enough I told her that maybe I needed to figure out how to get to the grocery store.

Hannah was with me. We got in the car and drove to the grocery store! As we pulled into the parking lot the radio did it's thing again. Alabama's "Forever Is As Far As I'll Go" started playing. I hear Hannah make a little noise and the tears start rolling for me. Once again I will say there are things that happen that we can't explain! I was crying and Hannah reached to turn off the radio but I wouldn't let her. We talked about how much he loves us and that love is a very powerful emotion that can't be explained. You can and will take it with you - LOVE that is. He continues to reach for us and be there when I need him.

It was going to be OK. I was going to do this major task and he was going to get me in the doors of the grocery store. I got in the store and they had done rearranging. It was different. It was the same building but like all grocery stores the stuff was all in different places just like my life. I'm learning, not easily but I'm learning. There is no timeline for grief. It goes forward and backward but I don't know any answers to being in my new life.

"Wicked" Ways

Eight weeks down out of my measurements of time. It was another step in the progression of things we had planned. The last of the tickets to events were used this afternoon. If you knew Scott in his younger wilder days he was different. He loved being a family man and doing things just the two of us or with the girls. We have been to many live stage performances in the last two years. I tried to get him out with his friends to fish or whatever. Didn't happen. Even fantasy football was me totally involved. We were really not ever very far apart, a couple joined at the hip.

Today's tickets were for Wicked. The only reason we even had a decision to make about attending was the time for the last minute "to do" list for his must have celebration with our friends and family of our love - AKA castle formal wedding ceremony. That date is fast approaching but I'm not thinking about that yet. There is no reason to do anticipatory grief anymore then I already do. We had it all set out and scheduled on our calendar. We had other things to do but this was a gift for Hannah. He would do anything for her. Just like myself and Laynie.

She played the music in the car all the time. He didn't complain - often - he loves his girls and experiencing all kinds of different things in life. We went to the show. The knots in my stomach were horrible. I sobbed the entire show. The worst was the end. The song "For Good" was played at his funeral. He and I had listened to the song many times just the two of us. Even then I would cry and he would hold my hand and tell me how his life had been changed with me in it. His heart was huge. His love is huge. Hannah reached for me. She held my hand. My mother held my hand. Even Hannah's friend who went with us was wonderful and concerned. I did it. I survived the show. Not the way it was supposed to be but I can't change that. I will keep trying to "Defy Gravity" daily and move into where all the memories of him don't cause such immense sadness.

Then I do dumb stuff like cut my finger with a steak knife while cutting a hamburger in half at lunch. The waiter had previously offered to have the kitchen cut it for me but I told him it wasn't a big deal we could cut it up ourselves to share! Have you ever asked for a band-aid in a restaurant? I got a big blue bandaid to wear. A war wound and he would be laughing at me. I'm the accident prone one. When we got home I finally pulled out one of his Easter gifts from the basket he had hidden in the bedroom cupboard! Buzz Lightyear bandaid. I made a step forward. I took something out of his Easter basket. His idea of cleaning was to stuff it in a drawer or a closet in a stack. I opened the box and put it away with the rest of the first aid supplies. It is progress. I'm not going to turn into a hoarder who has to climb over the stuff in the house.

Today not so easy but I had help. I'm still not doing this alone and I couldn't do this alone. I'm not hiding in the house like I want to because I'm not alone. It's a good thing I'm not alone. It makes sense why people die soon after the loss of spouse most especially if they are alone. The one thing I don't like hearing is - "you are still young!" Yes I may be young enough for "another" life but that isn't where I am and not sure if I ever will be. So for today I have my reminder of our love on my thumb. I love you Buzz.

Being an Adult

I'm so tired of life happening. Yesterday I tried to bring a lightness to my self. I tried faking it but it doesn't really work well. It's amazing that it used to work. I could pin a smile on my face and be there. Now not so much. The person I went to for my support is gone. It sucks and that is putting it nicely. When you loose your love, your helpmate, your best friend and confidant the world isn't a very nice place to live. He understood every part of my life. He knew how to walk me through stress at work. The lingo was understood. We could read each others thoughts. We finished each other's sentences. Now I have a bad day and I can't call him or text him. I can look at his picture. I can talk to him and know he hears but it's that physical thing again.

This week has been long. I've needed my partner he would understand my crazy issues. He would calm me down. I'm not saying I don't have support. I'm not saying I can't go into my bosses office and get her help. Thank goodness for that. She is keeping me sane. I'm not saying my staff isn't there. They are and I count these people as my friends. I wouldn't be this far without them! I'm usually the fixer. I may have a meltdown but I do have the ability to be rational. Shocking to myself! It is just frustrating that I'm not handling stress at ALL! I know don't tell me - IT'S OK! I'm my worst enemy.

At Christmastime, we were out of town and Scott's truck was broken into while we were in dinner. The only thing they took was Hannah's computer and with it her iPod. During that time we worked together as a team to console Hannah and Laynie, call the police, call the insurance, and patch up the window enough to drive home in the middle of the night cutting our vacation short. Today Hannah's phone was stolen at school. She knew the rules of keeping it in her locker but she was careless. One of the things that happen but I'm the adult. She did the right thing she let me know right away. I called it and whoever had it tried to pretend like they were her and texted me. If you ever need to know you can disable a phone from your account online. They can't use it! If they did they didn't have much time. The phone had issues anyway so it's not like they got much other then pictures and memories.

I had a meltdown in my office before I got to that point. I had to melt. I work with one of Scott's bestest buds. He can't do much for me, his week hasn't been all that great either but I was able to vent for a moment. I got home and had the "lecture" with Hannah about being responsible. I did the parent thing even though I knew she understood already. I had to make a phone call first to a friend who could ground me. Get me far enough out of my emotions into thinking to fix it. Closer to my normal self.

We have old phones hanging out around here so we headed to the phone store for a new sim card. The guy that helps us is the one that set up our account from the start. He helped us once again. We got it taken care of with his great help. Hannah has a new phone because we had an upgrade available and was less then paying the insurance deductible on her phone and waiting for it to arrive. Even in the store Hannah and I had bonding time. We have always been close but this has given us strength in love. We talked about how in the scope of life it is just stuff and you can't take it with you.

There really is a point that life's lessons and getting through them is overwhelming. I know I had a life before Scott but he was such a bright spot in really a relatively small section that it is hard to see right now. I have other people in my life - Hannah is my bestest but it is a different type of relationship. I have to learn how to be an adult without my partner again and not fear life and tasks that I really do know how to handle. I have events to look forward to and reach for but also regrets to move past. It all works together.

Bragging

Today I feel like I can be a bragging momma. Every parent should take the time to brag about their kiddos. No matter what the achievement is! Today I attended the Eight Grade awards ceremony. There were lots of wonderful, amazing kids in the Auditorium that deserve brags but I will center out the only one I gave life! She received SIX awards today. I couldn't count at the time but when I got home she had them so I could see them. Well rounded and well grounded. Through all that has happened over almost the last eight weeks she continues to be an "old soul." She makes its all look so easy even when I know it's all so very hard for her too. I love you my beautiful, smart, funny, loving Hannah.

I walked another marathon today. Each day feels like I have run those 26.2 miles. Where's the medal with Mickey on it? I made it out the door again tonight. The choir students at the Middle School put on a show each year called Pizazz. Last year Scott and I went because Hannah was part of the performance with the full orchestra performing. It was surprisingly a lot of fun to see all those 7/8th graders cheering each other on to big and better things. Tonight I hadn't planned on going but I went with my new dear friend who got me to grief support group with her. We have bonded in our own personal grief for our losses. I thank everyone who continues to reach out to me and pull me along in life.

Those students are very talented and certainly touched my heart with their music and magical voices. The theme tonight was Michael Jackson but not all the performances were Michael. I cried and laughed all in the same breath but hey I guess I was still breathing. I know public is still the hardest place to be but I'm not the center of the world and not even the center of my world. I have a daughter who gives me joy even in my darkest hours. She puts up with my addiction to House Hunters because it doesn't require thought to watch. She doesn't complain very loudly when I ask her to just be in the room when I'm watching TV. What will I do over the break when she is with her dad? I'm not going to think about that right now. It's another few feet away.

Full Moon

Today was wild. I'm struggling to get through each day and some people are so random with their needs. I love my patients. They are what get me through the day. Helping them helps me. Today was a pushing my buttons. I was on overload. I wanted to come unglued but I couldn't. I cry. I try to cry quietly but I do just want to shake some people sometimes. It's funny though because I look at our family picture and see Scott smiling at me and I try to go to a quiet place.

It is so amazing to have a relationship like ours. We shared so much in life and so many things that mean nothing to anyone else but it is MAGIC for us. Little things to share. Remembering those little things that even explaining to anyone else seems like they wouldn't understand. He was so romantic, so sweet, so kind but even the moments when we drove each other nuts are special. I can remember a huge argument we had that resulted in something needing to be fixed. I'm smiling through the tears. He had a temper. He was working on it for us but it wasn't very often we had moments like that.

I'm still struggling with normal. Finding a new normal when the love comes from a different place. Not a physical touch but I know God is in all of us and is love. No matter what your choice of organized religion the end result is all about God. How you worship, where you worship and the feelings you receive are all a very personal choice. I have to believe in the power of faith, love and the spirit that rests in all of us. My purpose in life isn't finished but I have to choice of free will. I make the choice to find my way through the middle of the grief even if I have moments of crazy people in my life. How I CHOOSE to react is what gives my life meaning and purpose.

So if the craziness is because of a full moon or just people who don't think before they act or speak, I don't know but I reach into my heart and try to live with love. I try to hold my temper and learn new life lessons to make it forward one step. Someday maybe there will be a place I can be confident in my spirit again.

If Tomorrow Never Comes

"...Where there's no second chance
To tell her how I feel
If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way
To show her every day
That she's my only one..."

Once again the music hits a note of presence. These are part of the lyrics to the song by Garth Brooks. It played on a station on the way home tonight. I wasn't alone in the car. Hannah was with me. I haven't heard this song play. I have to say to him I know how much he loves me. We told each other every day. We worked through some crazy things in our relationship and never once stopped loving each other. I know he continues to show me every day how much!

Tonight a very wonderful friend got me out of the house. She teaches kinder and got me out of the house for the kinder teachers after graduation dinner. It was rough I had a tears when I first got there but she and Hannah got me through. I made it through it and even ate a bit. Shh don't tell but kinder teachers can have a bit of a wild side. Who wouldn't after spending all day with five and six year olds. It was just dinner though.

I made it. Another step. Life isn't measured by how it used to be measured in future plans and enjoying each day planning. What is the smallest form of making it forward? That is where I am. I'm trying I can't get always get there but I'm trying. Getting to where I don't panic. Getting to where I can sleep without meds. I miss my love. I will never stop missing my love. He did give me everyday.

Merry-go-round

I'm riding on it but I shouldn't be. It is making me dizzy and sick to my stomach. I can't yell and scream. I cry instead. It sucks. It really sucks. I can put on a brave face but that only last so long and I melt. I have a real aversion to being in public. I carry tissue in my purse. Make-up I generally think, why bother. I need a haircut but can't get myself there. I do manage to apply a dusting of lipstick and to wash and dry my hair. Although on Saturday it took me all day to realize I forgot to brush my teeth. That isn't me! I'm a fanatic about teeth and fresh breath.

I eat but not much. I do drink water. I can't tell you how much weight I've lost but I'm guessing about 20lbs. Today my normal people to shove food at me changed but another person stepped up. She kept bugging me until I went and got some food. Granted I sat at Sonic picturing all the times Scott and I got food together, laughing, joking and talking. I sat there for a bit and realized everyone around me was getting there food and not me. I got lunch for free.

I was super busy at work today. That helps it makes the day pass by but the day does have to end. Tonight Hannah had the end of the year band concert. She moves up next year. She is growing up and the world keeps spinning. I have great people around me. I was in public, crying again! At least it is dark and I can dab my eyes as each band played at least one piece that was all Scott. I got through it. I was there for Hannah.

I dropped her off early and had an hour to kill. We don't live that far from school but I'm in the mode that if I come home I have to force myself to leave once I'm in for the night. I ran to Wal-mart. ALONE! It was horrible. I got things but I don't think I got everything I was going to get. I wandered around looking at people, at the same time trying not to look at people. The check-outs were packed. The one I ended up in had a cute little old man in a store scooter with his cane. He did it all himself. I could hear Scott asking me if he should offer to help. I made it barely through the experience. I got to school and a friend commented on how I didn't look to good. Thankfully they had me sit with them so I wasn't alone.

One of Scott's doctors was there. His child is a year younger then Hannah. Scott had talked to him about seeing each other frequently at all these band events. It is hard to see him. I have thousands of questions that as a medical professional I know he can't answer. If he had the answers he would have cured Scott. I don't ask I just nod and move on. Someday I hope I don't personify tragedy! I don't know how to make it. People keep telling me I will. I try to believe I will but I really do want the merry-go-round to let me off or at least let me scream without scaring the rest of the world. I'm want to skip forward or backward but it won't help so I face it the best I can. Please keep holding me in your heart. Please reach for me and give me a hug. It helps it makes my heart hurt less. The hole won't ever be gone but it does hurt a little less for a bit.

Sunday

I dislike Sunday now. It is just a darn day of the week but it is a time marker that I don't like to remember. Sunday's keep happening and I keep seeing his face telling me "It's OK! I love you!" I'm not sure how to keep that from replaying in my mind. I don't have many memories of the week we found him or the week after his funeral. I was on autopilot. Little things pop into my mind. Little film clips. The thing I remember most is standing in front of him, seeing his body and then laying my head on his casket at the cemetery and praying.

I come home and find things that meant things for he and I. Tonight I was standing in my office and found a piece of paper he'd written the time of our New Year's dinner reservation on it. I don't look for things much. Sometimes they just appear. Memories I have to treasure. I don't want to end up a pack rat hoarder. I've got to get myself to a place where I can put the stuff into scrapbooks to keep on the shelf so it's not just scattered everywhere. It is hard to think though to reduce some one's life down to things. I leave it all laying around for now.

Last night I watched "The Blind Side" with my parents. I had a hard time with that movie. He watched it the week before at his sister's house. Then before he came home he stopped and bought it so we could watch it together. That didn't happen. I sat there hearing his voice in my head telling me football facts. I can't believe I'm saying this because sometimes I told him to stop talking football but I miss him talking football. It is funny though because he liked other things. We enjoyed doing other things together but the football sticks out right now.

So back to the Sunday thing. The guys at work were joking about a time machine. They were talking about going to the future. I want to go back. I want to return to do the things we should have done. I know don't tell me that technology doesn't exist and it wouldn't change the outcome. One of the final movies we did watch together was "Time Traveler's Wife." I sat here and cried my eyes out. He would expect nothing less from me at a tearjerker movie. He didn't laugh he hugged me and held my hand. I know I have to go through the pain but if someone does really learn how to time travel I just want one more night in his arms.

Happy Birthday

Today is Laynie's Birthday. I was invited to attend. I'm thankful for that. I couldn't attend because I can't still can't stop crying. I wasn't going to be a downer for a day that belongs to her. We love her. I want to see her grow up. I pray we see her grow up but I know Scott surrounds her with his love just like me. I give her my birthday love and someday if she asks I will share with her all the things we did together as a family. Those memories will shape who we all are and I have thousands of pictures of the things we did together.

I'm sitting here with my parents because I don't know how to be alone. I've been alone before. When I divorced I lived alone. I did all kinds of things. My house was spotless. Now I do really good to sit on the couch but that's ok, I guess. I want him back. I want to be with him. I know I can't. It's not my time yet but it was his. I love him so very much. When we first started dating I tried to avoid things and situations like birthday parties but he made me go along. He loved us all. He wanted us to get along and be there for Laynie. I gotta get myself far enough along to be there for Hannah. Maybe someday I can even figure out how to be there for myself. I wish I could keep myself together enough to be out in public.

Activities

It's Friday night and what do I do? My personal choice is to plant it on the couch and play mindless games and watch mindless television. Nope not tonight. I joined my parents at their Friday night Bingo. We had been there with them a few times. Scott talked a lot. I was always shushing him. So I played tonight but I wasn't really there. My mind wandered and I didn't win. I wander why (sarcasm)! I have pictures in my facebook photos of the last time we played. I hadn't looked at that picture but I did tonight. The funny thing is it is one of him needing to shave.

I was always giving him a hard time about his rough face. He'd hate shaving but he'd do it for me. He had shaved for me Easter weekend. He went to God clean shaven but I made sure he went with his ball cap. It does bring a smile thinking of him in his shorts and tshirts all the time or his collared shirts. I was always buying him new shirts. I think there might even be one or two new ones he never wore. I will get to a point I can separate and share his things with all the ones he loved but just not yet. It is too painful just now. I'm not trying to keep it all for me it just hurts to much to look at let alone sort it out.

I don't know what activities I can handle or even try. I take them one by one. It is still fresh and painful. The time moves forward. For some reason the Earth doesn't slow down for a break. I just keeps happening. Now I have to replace the roof on the house because of the hail storm last night. Scott would help me through those decisions. I'm not saying he would know what to do but he'd be there as a partner. Fixing things - not his strong point - but he tried! When we were replacing the fence I was better at keeping things level and screwing in the screws but he gave it his all! I didn't argue or correct him on that project. We worked together! Now building the shed - different story. His Dad and my parents helped us start it out but he and I argued about directions the entire time. I was the one reading the directions and he would say it can't say that. I'm laughing just thinking about that crazy shed.

I will find my way to do activities again. Not just fun stuff but household chores. Just not yet. I need to be comfortable in my own skin again. If you've offered to do things or get me out of the house keep offering. I will get there. I will get to where I don't cry at the drop of a hat. I have to! It's what he wants me to do - LIVE.

Overwehlming

This morning I woke up in full panic attack mode. I got myself out of bed and into the shower. I got ready for work. I couldn't keep it back. I couldn't keep the anxiety down. I tried. I tried to breathe. I tried to step forward and it wasn't happening. I finally took the step to reach out. I texted a friend. She immediately called me and walked me back to a place that was livable. She told me I needed to get from my heart, where I've been for the last six weeks into my head to reason where I haven't been able to go. I got there until I could go to my see my counselor. In the meantime a text from my a friend for the last 20+ years from college helped me along too.

Last night at grief support group I was loaned a book, "Living With Grief After Sudden Loss." It has a bunch of stuff that doesn't apply that doesn't fit the situation but it does talk about how hard it is when someone is taken from you so quickly. The unfinished business. The things you didn't get to say or wrap up. I know that feeling. My head throbs from those feelings. The thing I'm thankful for in all of this was finding him. We got to give him a final resting place. We got to see him. It doesn't mean I understand or do I think I ever will. This pain will be here for a very long time but I can do without the anxiety attacks.

When I got home from counseling I laid down. Grief is tiring. It requires rest to cry so much. I hate that feeling! I don't sleep without meds for very long. I woke up with another panic attack. I tried to get myself out of it again. I had a meltdown. I need things to run without much thought. I don't have the energy to think. When things are off balance in the slightest way, I'm off balance. Communication with me right now is the key. I'm trying to get through home alone while Hannah is out at a school event.

Laundry is calling my name. I'm trying to do normal chores and the panic continues. I finally decided to take the med for anxiety. That is what it is there for and I haven't needed it. This is the first time since the two weeks after he passed on that I've needed to take it. It is working. I'm calmer. The doctor teased me when she wrote the prescription that it was a very small dose that she would give a little old lady. I also reached out to another friend. I'm waiting for her to wrap up with her kids and give me a call. I'm reaching out. I'm trying. I know I can't get through this alone. My soul hurts and craves his attention. I can never replace that or will I try. I love him and he loves me. I feel that throughout our house.

So in a pause I received a call from another friend. A person Scott shared work with through Head Start. It was wonderful to feel him sending me messages from her. To know how much love he gave to others and how he shared his love of our daughters and with me. He loved us all. I know he has powers now to continue that love. God needed him as an angel. I can't count the people's lives he touched but to hear those stories makes his life important. There will never be a Scott museum but as long as he is in our hearts the power of his love survives.

Oh and just so you know Zanax is nice to have to take the edge off because now it is storming. Not just a little storm either. So here go the prayers for protection!

A Year

This week has been a year since my Grandmother passed away. I sat at her bedside with my Mom, aunt, uncle and his wife. I held her hand and said goodbye. The day before Scott and I had been at the hospital to relieve my Mom. He knew just what to say to her to calm her down. He knew what to say to calm me down. We got through that week as a family. Not just my immediate family but the entire extended family. She was the reason we laughed, loved and celebrated.

On the drive to and from the funeral it gave Scott and I a chance to talk about death and our wishes. We knew all the intimate details. We as a family celebrated Grandma with a cookout and family time after the funeral. She was there with us, holding our hands and wiping our tears just like when we were little. Scott was welcomed with open arms. Families are there no matter the situation with love.

I have my family with me now! I have my friends. It is all possible with love. The next month will be a struggle for me. I will be up and down but I don't think anyone will be upset if I'm not mentally here everyday. I will promise to do the best I can. I promised Scott my love and he always gave me his. That love will never be doubted. I hang onto his love and know I walk this path not alone!

Love

Earlier today I posted on my Facebook profile that the end of your life shouldn't be measured in dollars and cents but who you loved and how you treated others. It is true Scott was a very wealthy man indeed. My financial life is in a strange place but that doesn't really matter to me. I can make it. I have skills. Our life together wasn't about buying or having things. We had love. I don't want to measure his life with things ever. I want our girls to know how many memories we created. Not just in our travels but making homemade pizza together, putting up and tearing down a fence or eating ice cream for dinner sometimes! Those are the moments that matter.

I've had a lot of loss in my life. My life is mixed with joy and sadness but whose life isn't? If you've never lost then you are a very lucky person indeed. You can prepare for the passing of some loved ones but an accident that changes your life sends your life in all kinds of way. Right now I'm looking for a way to get through just one day without tears. I don't want to deal with somethings but life moves on and it doesn't just stop! I've learned so many things from Scott through the years. We both had our moments of frustration and anger but we balanced each other out. When he got upset I calmed him down and he did the same for me. I hear him now when I'm upset calming me down!

There could never be enough money to buy love that Scott gave out daily. He wasn't perfect. I could give you a list of when he was a doodoo head but who wants that? He loved people and he never met a stranger. He held doors for others, he made others smile and gave kinds words out freely. He wasn't a saint but he did give out love and helped others. His life was rich with in ways that I could never measure with dollars and cents. I don't think anyone should try to do that for anyone. My grandfather that passed away this year spent his life obsessed with money. It didn't make him a better person and now that he's gone I pray that he has found what he needs to work on as an angel and all that he missed by not giving out love freely to those around him.

We each have our own lessons to learn, our own places to be and people to help. Reach out and love someone. Find your own personal strength and take it to the limits. Give your love freely and don't expect anything in return. It will come back a thousand times all the more powerful. Love knows no boundaries of space and time. Scott's love is still giving me strength. I find comfort in that knowledge every moment I'm beyond coping. It gives me a place to breathe and find hope that the future will continue to give me love.

Frustrations

I'm so tired of roadblocks. It just seems like they are everywhere. I don't ask why me and I don't try to understand the reasons for things happening. I don't have any answers. I just keep trucking forward. I'm not really strong. I'm not really hanging in there but I also don't give up for Hannah. Today's "Meditation for Grief":

"The world is not divided into the strong who care and the weak who are cared for. We mus each in turn care and be cared for, not just because it is good for us, but because it is the way things are. -Sheila Cassidy."

I'm tired of heading in the right direction. I'm angry, sad, lonely, but I love him so much. He is dead but he isn't gone. His spirit and his love live on. He wanted so much for us and our life with our girls. I don't want to be angry but I know it is part of the process. I don't want to keep crying but I know it is part of the process. The meditation book also says today, "I am a human being and I don't need to put up a facade of strength." I have no more strength for today.

Storms come in many forms. They can be rain, emotional, outside influences but they are still storms. They can be weathered but the destruction can happen. You can prepare but sometimes they still get you! I'm tired of trudging. I want my life back! I'm angry, yes, but there is no way to make that anger change anything. It doesn't bring him back, it doesn't take away the pain and in the end it can only hurt someone else. I don't want anyone else to feel the pain I feel! I love him but never once would I want others to think it was a competition for his love. He had plenty to share in many different ways.

So forgive me if I can't be strong. Can someone please come hold my hand and tell me that he loves me?

Heartache and love

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.
--From a headstone in Ireland


Once again. I've been reading. I find comfort in others words. This quote came from an article on grief and loneliness. It is very true. It also reminds me Scott needs a headstone. That decision can wait. It is okay that I can't concentrate. It is okay that I just sit today. It is okay that I cry. My emotions are trying to heal. Last night was a nice break. Today I'm mentally fuzzy and feel alone. Hannah is here and we watched a movie for a nice break. I've seen the movie before but I didn't recall much of it! That is not me. I only have a few movies that I like to watch multiple times. I don't seem to have problem with that right now.

I laughed when I pulled up his Netflix list on our account the other day. I have to say I had turned his rentals off while he was going to school because he would be watching a movie instead of doing his homework. He didn't mind because I always kept a movie on my list for both of us to watch together. His Netflix list has 190 movies/shows on it! I don't know how he planned to ever watch all those. I feel like I have plenty of time to watch movies but I can't watch some our favorites yet. Cuddling on the floor for movie time picnics with his is gone but the memories aren't. Our life together was made up of wonderful togetherness. We were never truly far apart.

Dealing with the loneliness is hard. I can't rely on Hannah at all times. I have to learn to trust myself and trust my intuitions! Know that I'm finding the right way through the middle of the fire. I have experienced the gift of love that goes beyond words. I have to take that love and continue on in my life. I don't know what the future holds. I'm not ready to know what the future holds. I am taking this journey and making my way. I'm reaching for support and love from my friends and family. It doesn't have to be lonely but I am the only one who can make it to the other side. He loves me and having people continue to share how much he loves me helps me deal with the pain of grief and the hole in my heart.

Two Hours

Today we drove home from our night in Dallas. The drive was certainly quicker then on the way up last night in a storm. It was a big milestone for me to attend something that we had planned. Being home was harder still. I found my way to a place to sit and be. Not necessarily in peace but a place to sit. I keep thinking I'm going to flood the house with tears. Hannah and I watched a movie a really great movie - The Young Victoria.

I took Hannah to a party for a friend. She is the reason I can get up and do things. We had to pick up a gift at Wal-mart and managed to pick up some items for Hannah to eat. I will try to eat too! I try but food shouldn't taste like cardboard. I dropped her off and came home. I have several other movies rented so I settled in on the couch with my old Myrna Loy and William Powell movie. It was almost time for me to pick Hannah up and the doorbell rings. It's Mike! He was supposed to come by tomorrow to help us clean the pool filter out because I can't get the lid off myself.

Earlier Hannah had called him and told him he had to come today! She and I had been outside when I cleaned out the skimmers and did some basic pool maintenance. When we were doing that I found the tools Scott had been using "that" Saturday. He had started to clean out the pool filter but I said it was getting late and we could do it the next day. Except it rained most of the day so we couldn't do clean out the filters. Another chore on the list.

Mike and I were talking about some of this stuff. He commented about the things I've said about my last day with Scott. He said "he seemed restless." Maybe he was but he was like that most of the time. He never really sat still when he felt good. He was always busy. I know he was restless the last hour but hindsight is 20/20. How do you fight "It's OK! I love you"?

Mike ran to get Hannah while I sprayed the filters with the hose. Yuck what a dirty job. He returned and we worked into the dark. Actually I sprayed and they watched and talked to me. I had two hours of normal peace. I'm so thankful Mike and I can still have a great friendship. I'm so thankful Hannah knows how to get me help so I wasn't alone because she knew I wasn't doing well! I'm thankful Scott understood how important it was for Hannah to have ALL of us as a family. Mike can still be here for me too. People don't always understand how this works but it is possible and Hannah has us all to love her with only a fight here and there!

I want the times of peace to grow but for now I am so happy I had two hours tonight without the intense pain. My heart hurt but the pain was masked by love for our daughter!

Music Speaks Loudly

This morning I melted in a meeting at work! I had to get up and walk out. I went into overload. I'm thankful for my work family because they truly are a family. They let me melt and apologize! I don't think I could do that anywhere but where I am. The addition to our building us growing. I'm achieving something that has been a personal triumph for me with my fabulous team! But I wouldn't be there without Scott. When I needed a job he got me out of bed and depression to find one. I love my job and I would be lost without being able to keep shuffling papers and focusing on my patients.

I have to admit during my morning long melt I finally experienced the desire to be with Scott. I willed it away, he willed it away and I sat in the bathroom sobbing for ten minutes. I got through it the feeling passed and I stood up again and kept going. Not easy but I did it.

We bought tickets to Stars on Ice in March. I should say I bought tickets. Scott was willing to go for his "girls"! They were part of our birthday surprise weekend for Laynie. I split up the gift because there were more tickets to another event and Hannah and I mailed them to her. I hope she gets to use them. Tonight however we took the Stars tickets and went with my Mom and a friend of hers. I cried everywhere but I also smiled. People looked at me strangely but I don't care. The skaters are beautiful. The music, however, spoke loudly tonight.

I didn't know the music or program beforehand. I only knew some of who was scheduled to attend. One of the first songs skated to was "One Day I'll Fly Away" Nicole Kidman from Moulin Rouge then "You'll Never Walk Alone" Barbra Streisand. The other two songs I tagged with my iPhone were "Who Wants to Live Forever" Queen and then "Brave" by Leona Lewis. The final kicker was Sasha Cohen skating to "Hallelujah". I was sobbing! The skating was beautiful but the music speaks. Tonight Scott was with Hannah and I as we clung together. We celebrated. I also kept thinking how when we watched the skating on TV he always say "it's more fun to see someone fall at least once!" that happened during Sasha's performance to "hallelujah" I know what I think! So tonight Happy Birthday Bear! We love you and are always here for you!

Random Events

Today the words I didn't want to see arrived in the mail from Scott's parents. His death certificate is here. I have a few things I feel like I need to take care, actually more like he would want me to take care of for him. We were together we had a life together! We had a family with our girls. That physical life is gone but our love is still here. I'm hanging on to our love. I know he is helping me heal. It really does suck I can't lie but I'm walking straight through it.

Then as I'm dealing with this new piece of paper with the words in black and white I get into the car and a song comes on "I DO"! He is sharing, he is loving, he is our Guardian Angel. I push on. I deal with the next crisis. Hannah's phone has stopped receiving text messages. So that required a trip to the AT&T store. I've been putting it off. His voicemail box is full, his phone drowned with him. Our phones were together in the same account. He loved his number. If you are a personal friend his phone number is as unique as him! The very nice man helping us in the store has helped us before. He knew who I was. The man who merged our accounts into one was in there and he saw the news on the TV and they told me how much they liked Scott! Who else has that capability? That was my life with Scott. People knew him everywhere we went! I can't cancel the number. I will never listen to the full voicemail box but I can't cancel the number - not yet.

I was in the bookstore last week and was walking to the checkout counter when I glanced at these new bookmark cards they have on display. The first one says

Soulmates
From that first moment, we made a connection, and I knew that our relationship was meant to be. Thank you for all that you are, and for reminding me each day of why I love you. The bond we have found is as everlasting as the spirit.

I pulled it out and smiled. The one behind it wasn't the same! It reads:

I Love You More Everyday
As time passes I realize just how blessed I am to have you. The journey of life has made me appreciate the treasure in our love. The passing of time has given us a book of memories to hold dear. Thank you for bringing love into my life. I love you!

Just as I'm thinking how cool, I look and the next one is different still!

I'll Always Love You
Your love is the most important thing in my life. When I am with you, the past and future lose all meaning, as the "present" with you is truly a gift. Thank you for all you are... my love, my companion, my friend. I'll always love you.

Okay wow someone was rearranging but the final one says:

Be Strong, and Don't Give Up
Remember, there is a deeper strength and an amazing abundance of peace available to you. Draw from this well; call on your faith to uphold you. You Will make it through this time and find joy in life again. Be strong, and don't give up. I know your going to make it, and my love and prayers are with you. - Pamela Owens Renfro

So I feel like this isn't so random anymore! I bought the cards. They help me. When I'm alone they give me strength. There will be a point where I move forward and find joy but for now I walk through the fire with the strength of God, Scott and my family and friends. I'm taking nothing for granted but I sure do miss the person who knew all about me and always forgave me for yelling and screaming. He knew I didn't ever stop loving him and he was there waiting always with a hug, kiss, smile but most often laughter.

Prayers and Friendship

I am an avid reader and I'm trying to find things to read that give me comfort. Lately that means lots of spiritual readings for guidance and support. Yesterday I read where a person was dealing with grief and found herself praying a lot to her loved one. Her comment was that praying and speaking to her loved one seemed easier somehow because God has so many responsiblities and places to be but her loved one was closer and could just pass the message along. It made me think that tuly if the ones we love have gone to be with God and we consider them Angels this makes perfect sense to me.

I find myself talking to Scott all the time. Whether it be something sad, funny, loving or even in anger I can still tell him anything. I think what I feel from that is that he is now my Guardian Angel. But I'm not being selfish with him. He has the power to be in more places then just one at a time. Heaven's residents don't have the limitations of time and space. They are on a plane that we can't explain. All of those he loved in life get his guidance and love. I believe that for all us. He knows our love, sadness, happiness and yes even our anger. He will protect us all because he is with God now.

Now with those heavy thoughts I move on to my "laundry man" duties. I'm doing his neverending chore of laundry but why does there not seem to ever be enough hangers. As I'm thinking that I hear him tell me "because you need to clean out the clothes from your closet you never wear!" My thought was immediately but why can't I just buy more hangers? Which I don't know why I thought that. He was always buying more hangers but I blame him for my closet right now. In March we'd been shopping and he picked out all these clothes for me for our honeymoon. I must say he had good taste! I hate to shop but he was always making sure I had new things to wear. So yes I blame him for my closet fullness. His closet remains untouched just as he left it! I'm think just buying hangers is a good choice!

Today I took myself to my MD. She is amazing and I'm so thankful to count her as one of my friends. I will continue with the Ambien to help the sleep patterns and then anti-anxiety meds are there if I need them. She agreed that I was doing all the right things and keep reaching out to all my friends and family for support. I think whatever continues to happen I keep finding away to make sure when I need people to reach out. Thank you to everyone who keeps calling, texting and reading. If you find others in this situation it means the most to continue asking that person if they need anything or just saying "thinking of you!" I've found in our society we just don't know how to keep grief from being such a lonely path. I don't feel it's on purpose but as if we don't want to make that person's pain seem unbearable.

I was thinking today about all the great support for all of us during the intial weeks of shock. I can't even find the words to express my thankfulness for everything from everyone! Now I find myself in the land of what I've laughingly called "Beyond the Fried Chicken!" We had tons of it that first night. I couldn't even eat. Oh wait I still struggle to eat but I'm trying. So today my advice to everyone is reach out for help and if you are on the other side reach out and continue offering support. Even if that person say's "I'm good" the thought that you checked makes grief a lot less lonely.

Depression hits home

Today was a rip in my heart overwhelming depression kind of day. I reached out to my friends and family - they came through with overwhelming support. I can't explain what hit me but it did. I cried all morning and then got a phone call, some well placed text messages and Facebook support that walked me through to a smile. Scott always would tell me how much my smile was for him. I would feel down and still be smiling. He was the same way. He was the outgoing one but we both have the same reaching for people to give them hope.

The music on the radio is like a message from him. It happens everywhere and not just with me controlling the station. It happens but one song which I know is on the playlist right now is Rascal Flatts - Unstoppable. Listen to the words! I have the album on my iPhone. We had listened to it multiple times while he was alive before they played it a bunch. Right now I feel like it belongs to us. Then today I was almost home just pulled into the driveway when the Trisha Yearwood song, The Song Remembers When came on the radio. Music is a gift from God, a powerful healer.

Last night I had to deal with a task I'd asked Scott to do over Easter weekend. Clean out the A/C filter. The task is an easy on to do but something we both always put off. Well last night the coils were frozen. So I put it on fan only and let them thaw out. Then it dawned on me that we never did clean out the filter. So here I am with Hannah at 10:30 pm unscrewing the panel on the unit in the A/C closet in the garage. We have one of those spray out filters so we took it outside and cleaned out all the dirt and cat hair. It certainly is working better. Last year when this happened we had an argument over exactly how to do this task. I was telling him the steps and he had to call his Dad to have him tell him the exact same thing. I stood there putting the thing back together and all this came flooding back.

I was chuckling to myself as I did this task. Then today it was painful to think that why did his own list of things to get done have to be so over-powering for him that day? Why did he have to trim the stupid palm trees? He was obsessed with the stupid things! It was something I enjoyed taking care of with him and asked him to wait for me but he kept trimming. I should say they aren't finished. I don't want to touch them right now. I need to finish the pruning it's on the new to do list but I can't get there. Today I'm still sitting.

Yesterday in my book Healing After Loss: Daily Meditation For Working Through Grief talks about grieving the loss of a loved one is like leaving a room where we have been where we have been comfortable and functioning well and enter a new room. In that new room are some of the same people but the room is different and requires a new way of thought to find a different way out. It may be a window or a different door but the old door is closed. I'm looking for that light to keep shining my way. Scott is there with God and my other family and friends gone before him guiding me with their love. I will find the path just not today.

Stress and Health

This morning I woke up with tremors, aches and pains. I gave myself permisssion to stay home and sleep. I've been doing well keeping going but today just was enough. It has been five weeks and it still feels like yesterday that Ryan, Matt, Amy and I stood with the sheriff's deputy exactly in the spot where he went off the road and it still took another 16 hours to find him. I know I need to do things for my health to keep going. So today my body got to do the talking.

I feel his love around me. If you don't believe in the afterlife or have doubts about what happens to our souls when our physical form is done on this earth then you may choose to not read this part. Scott and I both believed in the afterlife and the ability to communicate with our loved ones left behind. God is loving and he wants to continue that love from heaven. Throughout my life I've had experiences that just required faith to believe. When I was young I lost my Grandmother (Dad's Mom). Before my Dad called to tell us three hours away that she passed away, she came to me in my sleep and told me she loved me and goodbye. I woke up before the phone rang. When it did about 10 minutes later it was my Dad telling my Mom she was gone. I now share this with the world for support that things happen that we can't explain. She has been with me my entire life.

Now I feel Scott's presence. He's not always here but there are enough signs to feel his love. I'm open to him being here for us. I have to say I also talk to him just as I do God. His spirit and soul are now part of God's love. I open to signs and dreams from him. For me it's not like the shows on TV where they see the dead and have tasks to do. He is just around and sends his love my way. The other day his sister locked her keys in her car. She'd been complaining about not having him around to pick on her or argue with. My first thought was he was laughing. I had to share with her that was something he regularly was doing. Enough so that not but about two weeks before he died I had to leave work and go up to Wal-mart to let him into his truck.

One of his friend's wife sent me a text not to long ago that this friend had come downstairs wearing a shirt he'd bought when he was with Scott. He was wearing it then because it reminded him of Scott and he was closer to God now maybe he could help that basketball team win! If it were the Cowboys - I'd say absolutely but I didn't have the heart to tell her Scott was a fan of the Spurs not the Mavs. It seems fitting that he passed on during his quiet sports time of the year but on the day before the final four! His life didn't revolve around holidays and family events so much as football and the final four.

His spirit and soul are here for love and support of all of us. I just happen to be the one who shared all the little details in his life. I would often just ask for 20 minutes of quiet to breathe but he had so much to share and give to our relationship. It was as if he was trying to squeeze a lifetime into the time we had together. I know he is here with me recalling all the things we loved and even fought about. I know he forgives my doubts that weren't about our love for each other but outside influences. He will be here to help me move forward because I will forever feel his love and understanding.

Mother's Day

I love my Mom and my wonderful daughter! They both are giving me such fantastic moral support. I don't think I'd be putting one foot in front of the other without them. They let me find my pace. I still don't know what that is but I'm here.

There are so many people who have walked this road. Is there a reason it has to be so lonely? Grief is undeniably painful and there are no answers. I find comfort in others support even if it is just for me to say what is going through my head at the time. Others should know that there are ways to walk through this with support and love. Reaching out and not hiding has been my best way to put one step in front of the other.

I don't know what the future holds. I guess I never really did but we had plans - so many plans! Walking around those plans is gut wrenching. I'm such a planner and coordinator. I don't even want to do to plan. I just want to sit and stare at the computer or the tv! Bills and work don't let me do that. Do you know what it's like to lose your other half of your income in a 36 hour time frame of waiting on your fate. Our relationship wasn't about money but it sure is a factor now.

I'm making cuts and plans are limited. I guess that is one foot in front of the other kinds of activities! We didn't live outside our means. But things that were being put together for our future didn't happen. I will get to where finances don't terrify me once again. But for now when they trigger a panic attack I go to my breathing room and get out there again.

Hannah got me through a trip to Wal-mart on the way home tonight. If that isn't love for me then I don't know what is. I'm glad that Wal-mart has groceries! The grocery store is still there and I think it will be when I'm ready. I've discovered that Scott's tummy was expensive. Yes you know I would rather have his crazy food habits back along with him but I know that isn't happening. I have to someday get off the couch but I know it is ok for right now. My coworkers told me if next year I'm still sitting at my desk and crying every morning at 10 am then they'll kick my rear but for now they'll allow it.

This is very helpful for me to type. I can reach out to others and you can grieve with me or what the hey just ignore me :D

Life's moments

We went to dinner tonight and I can't believe the big void from losing two very important people in my life in less then a year. Grandma and Scott should have been there eating our favorite food - Mexican! We were seated at a table for SIX for just the four if us. I kept thinking about them. Scott got me through the loss of Grandma. He was there for me. It was why we shared so much about what we wanted to be done when our time in our physical form was done. I love them both. I miss them both!


Today the TV programming seems to be controlled somewhere else! It has been Scott's favorite day of things on TV. Two of his favorite movies and then his top actress. The very first movie we saw in the theater together with her in it! I can only smile for those events. I believe in the power of love and things that we can't explain. I'm holding onto these small things as gifts of love. Those things are giving me the power and strength to be here - left behind!

I can make decisions and I'm not sitting around waiting. I'm trying to keep living. I'm making small moments that add up to days and now weeks. I am learning to carry on conversations without crying. I'm learning to show people that talking about Scott is a good thing for me. His personality - fun, friendly, joyous, loving and happy. Strangers didn't exsist for him. We never went to a place he didn't find someone to talk to or that he already knew. He wasn't a grudge holder. He had a gift of forgiveness! If he wanted one this passed on and never forgotten - love each other as if it was time to say goodbye! Smile and love!

Grocery Store

Did you know that going to the grocery store can be a painful experience? Yes even before I hated it. I can't go there now. The last out of the house thing we did together was go to the grocery store. Scott was my amazing and did so many things some husbands wouldn't volunteer to do. He would always call to see if he need to pick anything up or not complain if I called and asked him to pick something up at the store. Granted I have a pantry full of stuff that only he would eat! Anyone need any Hormel shelf safe meals?

He had run a few errands on Sunday afternoon, texting and calling me the entire time he was gone. I was the one that was hurting and didn't feel well. My disease process of whatever that may be is painful. I was hanging out in our bed watching movies and reading. I have texts full of I'm going to get this and do we need that. He brought home weed-n-feed for the yard and over and out for the ants. He picked up cereal bars for me. They were on the counter. When someone was here they opened the box and took one out. I have the box stashed in the cabinet. I really think I'm nuts!

Prior to Scott's death we never had paper plates in the house. Now I have been using them because some great friends caring for us in the time after his death brought stacks of them. Plastic silverware too! I'm sure he's loving it. He used to tease me all the time about my dislike of wasting paper products into the trash. That would be why we had real dishes. I ate my solitary dinner on a paper plate tonight and could feel Scott laughing. His use of paper products was amazing to me. Not just paper plates but he went through paper towels and (shhhh) toliet paper at amazing speeds. I think I'm saving money on toliet paper alone!

Today I have laughed, cried and remembered! People keep asking me how I'm doing. My answer is just that I'm trying. I keep trying. I promise I keep trying.

Anxiety Attacks

I didn't know what truly that meant until now. I can see how some people could be crippled by these feelings. Let me descibe what I feel! My stomach starts churning, I feel the world closing in and I can't breathe. It could be very paralyzing if I gave in to the feelings. I make myself close my eyes and go to what I call my room. It is a place I recently designed in my head to find peace. It really works for me. I put myself there and take deep breaths for a few minutes to collect my positive engery to get myself going. I then think of positive happy times because we had many. I then have one prayer I say quietly or in my head. The anxiety slowly backs off and then I can open my eyes and try to put one foot in front of the other.

Last night I had grief support group. Two weeks ago I didn't know if I was ready. Now I anticipate being there. I know I'm not the only person to walk this path nor will I be the last but I want to be able to share my pain, struggles and the someday the hope. I'm amazed that I can get myself to a calmer place. The tears are still here, they are very therapeutic but at times not always the right place.

I reach for him and he isn't there. I put the pillows in the bed longways so that our bed doesn't feel so alone and I remember his touch, his smell and look at the picture on the bedside table and tell him I love him. He didn't doubt our LOVE. I don't doubt our LOVE!

A few days ago I was looking for a piece of the pool sweeper in the garage. Our youngest kitty likes to carry stuff around that is plastic. She drops them in her food dish and I try to put them up where she can't find them. The piece I was looking for was, of course, in a little plastic package! I checked the box. I didn't find what I was looking for but found a notecard he had written "I LOVE YOU"! I got a message from him. I can't explain anything about what happens after death but I strongly believe that love continues to surround you.

Pieces of my life, mementos, memories and love are provinding me with guidance. I know I'm not alone in my grief of Scott. So many lives he touched, so many people he changed. His love was great. He gave me love that dreams are made of, a true fairytale. I can never truly find words for our love. He gave me circles of love that I will feel always and forever in my soul.

Strength

"Anyone can give up, its the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength." -unknown

A friend that Scott and I worked with at another local nursing home a few years ago posted this quote on her Facebook page a bit before Scott died. I typed it out and posted it at my desk and in the therapy gym for our patients. I also handed it out to my coworkers. Little did I know I would need it to get through my daily work tasks. I have it posted next to our family Christmas picture. I'm so thankful that I'm the picture taker. He would tease me that I was always taking photos. My answer was life is to short not to preserve all the moments that make up our lives.

I have hundred of photos and mementos that I need to put together into a scrapbook. I have a room designed just for that. Shelves that he helped me put together and so much junk that I should be able to achieve many volumes. I'm working my way toward that goal. It is amazing that I never had the time before because we were to busy making memories! Did you know that is the theme song for a former ride at Walt Disney World? I had loaded his Ipod that I bought for his birthday last year with all the music that was on my computer. The Walt Disney World soundtrack was one of those albums. He was always playing that music in his truck. Music made him so happy.

I found the list of songs he was putting on his Ipod for our honeymoon on the desk in Laynie's room after he died. He'd been hiding out in there and I couldn't quite figure out what he was doing. Now I know he was listening to songs for our romantic one of a kind week. I keep wondering how he was going to achieve this because he could not ever figure out how to get the music on his Ipod without my help! Silly things like that that I'm smiling about now but at the time was frustrated with because technology is my friend. But it's okay because he loved me even when I was frustrated.

He was enjoying sharing his new found love of Disney World with others. He was proud of the fact he'd been three times in the last year. He would come home after talking to someone about Disney World and share that he helped someone and he hoped their trip was going to be magical. All three trips we had were so amazing. The trip with the girls and his "the ring was burning a hole in his pocket proposal," the trip to meet my world of friends and finally our trip as a couple. The CD of our photos came Friday in the mail before he died. He got to see them! He actually brought the disk to me at work. I finished what I had to do for my job and then we snuck out early for a late lunch. Those are the moments in life I'm struggling to understand that they are not going to be repeated.

Our relationship by far not perfect but he made me laugh when I was mad, happy when I was crying and just sat and held me because it made him feel good! Those memories keep me going. I get teary but that's okay. It is working me through the pain. The daily meditation from my book for yesterday was "I will not try to hide or walk around it. I will walk through the center of my sorrow and I will emerge - proud and strong" So in this path I will honor my love for Scott and his love for me exactly as he wants me to be!

The world keeps spinning

That would be my emotions. I'm told this is normal but darn it's not my normal! I have to find myself again someday. I know my life is forever changed. Scott and I had all these plans leading up to our ceremony in June. Today I erased the wedding off my work calendar. I'm not erasing him from my life he is everywhere I turn. I'm not sure what others believe but I believe in the soul and a Higher Power. I feel him and his love along with the power of God. There are things that happen in this world that can't be explained. I know he wouldn't leave me or our daughters, his calling was to be in another place. That is hard for me as a mear mortal being to comprehend but we shared so much as a couple.

So I erased the wedding and our honeymoon trip to Fiji for August from the calendar but I do have fantastic friends and family to fill the void. I'm headed to Minnesota for that weekend in June. One of the things Scott and I had done was make a list of all the places we'd like to visit in each State. He was the last one to update our list. It is saved on my phone and still one of my connections to him. We'd already done so much in the three years we were officially together. How do I ever explain how powerful love is?

As I ramble my way through this I was originally going to start with all the wonderful friends and family support I have received. It is like I'm on a schedule for being followed up. That is not a bad thing. I don't even know what I need these days but someone just saying to me "I'm here for you" makes the world a little less painful. There will never be enough words to thank everyone for the gift of love. I can cry my way through a box of tissue giving thanks.

Tonight I'm worn down and the evening is dragging. I went to my counseling session this afternoon. I've got the TV on and Hannah mowed the yard. I thank God for her and her amazing strength. I know she is doing her own grief cycle and I praise her. I sit with Facebook games as my friend and watch Dancing with the Stars. The evening is slowly going by tonight then I can head to our (Scott and myself) quiet place and read. It seems silly but he would read in the tub or I would sit in the tub and we would visit that way most evenings.

I miss him and but I feel his love around me a lot of the time. So I don't know how I do it but I keep going. Right now I don't want to know how I do it.

Tomorrow is a new day and even though my brain is working slower I try to get things done at work. So to all my fantastic friends and family (new and old) thank you for the support. I couldn't put make it to the next day without each of you.

One foot in front of the other.

So how do you do that? I guess I should start at the beginning of my immediate life change. My husband left the house at 7:30pm Sunday, April 4, 2010 never to return home. After a two day search we found him and his truck submerged in a pond close to where he'd been dropping off branches from the palm trees in our backyard. His thought on that was always it is recyclable why would I send it to the landfill? I always chuckled and told him to not get caught. Little would I know that his favorite places to be - out in the middle of nowhere close to home on a country back road would be where we'd find him.

Scott and I were to do the big official marriage ceremony in June at a real life castle in the Texas Hill Country. His choice! He was doing most of the planning. We had however lived together and considered this a formality. We had even done some prior setting up of an insurance hospital policy where he listed me as his spouse. Now I know that in Texas that is all it takes, so yes he was my husband. My daughter called him StepDad and I introduced myself as his daughter's stepmom. I can't believe that his fairytale wedding ceremony had to all be cancelled.

So after two days of trying to get the police in our small town to listen to me they found his body in his truck. He suffered from seizures and the last few weeks they had changed. He had been to the neurologist and they had upped some of his meds and it appeared to be working. Just before he left the house I noticed he didn't seem right. Off in a distance. I asked him about it and told him I was having a hard time finishing our wedding invitations because he seemed so off. He looked at me and told me "it's ok! I love you!" Those were his last words to me.

After they found him they sent his body for an autopsy. The results we found out by watching the news! Not once did anyone call myself or his family. He suffered a coma induced by seizure and drove his truck through the barbed wire fence up an incline, 150 feet into a pond (stock tank in TX lingo) and drowned. I'd been with him everytime before. Prior to this they were rare. He was cleared to drive and always knew before he had one. I guess they call this an aura. He knew. This time I noticed he was different but I took his word that he was not feeling that. I know I couldn't change it but that doesn't mean I dont' want to change it.

Our lives are all different. Mine because he was my best friend and the love I'd only dreamed. My daughter because he was there everyday for the last two and half years. His daughter because she is going to be six and will never know her Daddy in the growing up times of her life. His parents because they can never stop the pain of losing their son. His sister has her own life issues that come from being like most of us with siblings. His friends because he was always their and never asked for anything in return. The list continues on because he touched so many lives in so many ways.

I can say that he and I didn't have the perfect relationship we had our fights and moments but we worked through them. In all of this I feel like I'm the one with the guilt because he believed in us and our love beyond whatever problems other people put into our path. I doubted my strength but he had enough for us both and taught me to be a stronger person. He continues to share his love with me and all those lives he touched.

I've decided I need to work through this overwhelming loss in my heart through writing. He always said I was the creative one. I always thought to write silly romance novels but here I am writing my story at one month since he left his humanly form to take his healed soul and spirit into the light of God's love.