Music and Lyrics

Today was a peaceful day. I felt surrounded again all day long. Sometimes I think the feelings are very overpowering and I tune them out. Today it was very helpful. Almost as if something happened that was pleasing to him. It was like I had said to God and Scott I needed some kind of reward for enduring all of this and taking care of things and here you go. I am so very grateful for the pleasure of the reward of today. I take nothing for granted.

I got things done. One of my new patients that has been there for about a week told me, along with his wife and my favorite repeat offender patient that I was great and could really help. That made me feel so good. His wife also told me there was not any chance I could be a Speech Therapist for almost 20 years because I only looked as if I was 30 myself. Boy did they boost my ego. She also asked me how I lost my husband and I was able to stand there with only my eyes tearing up but they were manageable. Now off and on I wanted to cry the rest of the afternoon but whenever I was near a radio the music spoke to me in volumes. Today was a serenade kind of day.

I wish I could explain it more in depth to each of you reading this. I can't even portray the powerful energy that surrounds me. The list of music and variety of artists that played today was too many that I stopped trying to track it after five songs on my way to work. The song that stuck was "My Valentine" by Martina McBride because it was new to the songs he has been sending my way. It was one of the first songs we listened to together and he always commented on how I new all of the words. I will always be his heart.

Now for a great rest tonight that will bring on another peaceful day! I don't think I'm asking for too much, since I can't have what I really want I will take the light and love that is given to me each day. Keep saying prayers for me. I'm not through all of this yet but I'm trying.

Pressure Cooker

"Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak
Whispers the oe'r fraught heart and bids it break." - William Shakespeare

Oh the days of studying good 'ol Will in High School. We read them all if that seems possible. Now hear I am putting meaning to his words in the worst time of my life. Really that is what he is saying. If you don't take the time to talk about all the grief then you really become a pressure cooker and explode. Sometimes I feel like I'm repeating myself all the time but this blog is all about me truly.

Hard to admit that because I'm always taking care of everyone else but if I don't take the time to express the random thoughts that can become lodged into my head and won't leave then the only way to get them out is a mental meltdown. I don't need that anymore then you need to pick me up off the floor. The quote is from a few days ago in of course my meditation for grief book. Reading and writing are my building blocks these days to keep my boosted off the floor. I need a rocket attached to my back some days but well amazingly I've made it to the end of the day without blasting off.

The mail attacked again today but I got to vent. Scott had one bill that arrived after he died but for some medical services way back in November. It was a measly $25 and the stupid hospital had sent it to a collection agency. I had sent the check a few weeks ago after getting the estate settled and Becki and I paid what we could with what little money he had. I got to tell the person on the other end of the phone at the collection agency when she asked if Mr. K was present that "NO he DIED in APRIL!" Well I must say that is one way to silence them. I then told her I sent the check a few weeks ago and otherwise that was it! That felt good. I've never had collections calling me but I've gotten lots of wrong numbers for people!

The best part was the looking forward into 10 months from now and the cruise brochure. There wasn't much in it. Not more then what was online but it was fun to look at the glossy photos and have an actual ship plan to study. Now what do I want to do when I'm there? Relax, Relax and maybe a wilderness hike to say I've done that. Or how about a helicopter ride over the glaciers? I'm planning and I can't believe that I am planning something again. It is who I am - the organizer. I miss Scott and his thousands of questions. He would be asking me things I don't know any more then he did. He did that with Fiji. Umm, Honey I've not been there! Then I think that he knows the answers and will be my guide through life. When I get there we will have so much to share.

So for now I continue to repeat myself to get the pressure lowered before I explode. I lived another day. In circles I lived another day. But as they sing in The Lion King - The Circle of Life. Ahh there goes another Scott memory. I've had lots of them this evening. Things I'd tucked away in the recesses of my mind came back to me. I'm lost within my own memories but it is an okay place for me to hang out. Now to start the circle again with the closed eyes and hopefully a dream visit from my Love.

Nut Job

Where's my repeat button for Sunday? I can sit here on my spot on the couch and work on keeping myself from crying and having a panic attack all day. I don't know how to make it through these times. Hannah has been here but I not worth anything today. We got up earlier and I did shower but leaving the house didn't happen. That would require more energy then I have. I can really see myself becoming a hermit if I didn't try so hard. Today I didn't try at all.

I have to try again tomorrow but here we are at almost five months and my world just gets smaller and smaller. I'm kind of lost at repeating myself. I don't know how to ask for help. I don't know how to explain that the feelings of pain and loneliness are even more intense now then they were. I don't like me, I don't like life. I'm living but I don't like it. I live for Hannah not myself. It is really hard to say but the very core of where I an and continue to be.

I find myself doing things that are silly but I can't stop. My newest addition to my trouble sleeping is one of Scott's t-shirt hugged to me like a blankie. I walk past our pictures all over the house and blow him a kiss. I talk to him all the time. There are many more things but now I don't always realize I'm doing some of the things I do. I have some OCD and now it is all about Scott. Why can't I OCD my craft room? Maybe this will pass or maybe I will spend the rest of my life a lonely woman living with memories of the way my life should have really been. Scott is forever young. I just get to be older. Yuck. I don't want to grow old without him.

A part of the daily meditation book says, "I will step into the unknown dark, trusting I will be safe." I don't feel safe. I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a high spot and trying to find a safe path but I'm being pushed from someone behind me that I can't see. I guess I'm a little morbid tonight. I don't mean to be that way but I really hate Sunday.

So I work through this day which repeats once a week and marks time with the following quote from my meditation book.

"If God is, He is everywhere present. He is not an occasional visitor, nor ever more truly present than at this very instant. He is always ready to flow into our heart; indeed, He is there now - it is we who are absent." - Arthur Foote.

I'm not truly alone in my sorrow if I keep the presence of the love of God and the knowledge that Scott is part of that love. That I am part of his Heaven and one day we will truly be together again but it doesn't make it any easier to get through Sunday. Help me please keep me together and not a psycho nut job that I've never been until five months ago.

Lots of sleep

Last night was fun and sad at the same time. I'm getting there. Yes I am facing this process with as much bravery as I have but sometimes I'm a big 'ol chicken. Mike and Pamela picked me up and we drove south for an hour and half to meet my parents at Joe's Crab Shack. It was one of our favorite places to eat. I was the one who picked it. I was craving Great Balls of Fire. I felt so very odd man out. Sitting at dinner with four other people. At one point I had to get up and go to the restroom and cry my eyes out. I couldn't do it. Then I found my courage to go back to the table and finish my dinner.

We made it straight to the game. I hated watching the game without Scott filling me in on all the details. Questions were asked and I couldn't answer them but I knew Scott would be able to give me the details. I was surrounded by people and I've never felt so alone. I cheered in all the right spots. I loved watching Hannah participate in the marching band in the real moving formation. We got a great view of their backsides but they moved great and sounded good. I'm trying. I'm out there and trying.

We drove home and it seemed like no time at all and we were there. The kids weren't to far behind. At 1 am after being up since 6 a.m my head was hitting the pillow. Today I slept. I managed to get out of bed at 3 p.m. with much reluctance. I dreamed of Scott all night. It was an entire story line. He was alive (more like he felt like he should be alive) and I had tasks to do to be with him again. It really does sound like life or a novel. You pick! I guess for me I do have things I'm supposed to complete and be with my love, his heart. I'm not happy about being separated. Being together was important only behind our girls.

It is still my process that I don't want to be in but the only choices I have aren't choices I would be allowed to make. I keep getting out of bed and making the choices that others approve. I make the choices for my beautiful daughter. It is the only choice I have that fits into someday being with Scott again. Mike said last night that he felt like Scott was with us. The three of us talked about him and how he was in life. We knew the adult he had become, the person he was at his death was not the child, teen, college student but the formation from those points of life. Others can recall their times with him as he was. I got to know all of him. All of the stories and times of growth gave me the man I love. He used to say he wished he could have skipped some parts of his life and met me at 19. I used to tell him then he wouldn't be who he had become for us. My life will never be the same because he changed me for the GOOD!

Knowing What to Do

Are there days where you just don't know what to do with yourself? I have lots of those days. I do the routine stuff but then when I have to move on from there I get stuck. I guess that is why I'm so stuck when I get home. I have a bunch of stuff I should try to do but I still can't. Tonight Hannah was out at band practice and then some time with her Dad. I was home alone. It took me an hour to decide to actually take out the bag of spinach, wash the strawberries, open the bag of almonds and mix it all together with poppyseed dressing on top. Not to hard to do for most people but for me it is like taking the tweezers to my leg hair. I cringe at the thought.

I finally did it after much self prompting. Then it felt like I had months to kill before Hannah got home. So on goes the television to mind numbing programs again, House Hunters and Big Brother. I have other things I should try to do. The front lawn needed a haircut but I can't do that because I can't get on the lawnmower. I avoid all things that have the remote possibility of causing a panic attack. The things is all of these things I avoid I can give you very specific reasons why I can't do them. I won't bore you with the details and as irrational as I sound to myself I can't convince myself to do them.

I have a disc with pictures on it that I need to have printed for Laynie. I can't go into the craft room to get to the disc because my wedding dress is hanging on the door in front of where the pictures are sitting. The panic attack is still greater then doing something for a little girl I love very much. I can send Hannah in there but somehow that always ends up with me standing at the door sweating and Hannah has finally said to me, "It's okay Mom we will get to it, just not right now." My poor daughter takes care of me so very much. I want to get better! I just have to be gentle so I avoid right now and approach things slowly and conquer as I can. Not to bad for four and half months.

I often wonder how it feels to others? Time is so irrelevant for me because I can see him everywhere I go, except my brand new therapy gym because that was just a dream when he was still alive. We had forms and dirt moving and now it is four walls and a place to work. It's not finished yet but that is just cosmetics. For me it is still the week of his death, sometimes it is dreams of our last trip together. As I sit in my living room I can see him in his two favorite spots or I can hear him going in to take a bath. He is with me still. Not just in my memories or imagination I feel his presence.

So tonight Hannah finished mowing the front yard at 8:30 pm while I watched. I took out the trash and came up the front walk as I passed the mailbox I could feel him standing there watching her mow. The guilt of not being able to do somethings that I used to love doing was overwhelming. I went inside and started a load of laundry for her, sat at the table and talked to her a bit about her school day and put stuff together for Friday Night Football tomorrow. As I sorted her clothes I looked into her room and on her bed is the blanket we made for Scott for Christmas to surprise him. He found out because she didn't hide it well enough but he never said a word to her. She knows now and I knew because he told me. I think she misses him bunches to and not having him here is hard on her. She is stronger then I ever feel I will be again.

I'm working my way through stuff but without her here I'm lost. Okay I have to share that as I am typing this our oldest kitty gets off the couch walks to the door to the craft room which I can see from where I am sitting. Stands at the door and meows. I get up walk to her and she paws at the door wanting in. I open the door and turn on the light for her. She walks in stops, turns around and meows again. I step in and she meows in front of the pile of wedding reception things and stops at a bag from Disney World with the tiaras for the little girls that we bought in March and paws at it. I picked it up and she walks on meowing me along. She goes around my desk chair to the front of the closet door. She stops and meows. I sit down on the ground and start bawling my eyes out while she pats me and meows. I can see the dress and the basket of pictures. I am in there. Why do I have this strange sensation that Scott is right there with me guiding the cat? I will take care this. I'm am in overwhelming panic mode from being in there for two minutes, so I tell him I will keep working on this project. I have a new project. He has apparently told me I can do this and he will be right there with me.

I'm at my threshold for the night but for doing things I must overcome. He is here. When I need him the most he is here. When he wants something done he is here and sometimes he is here just because he loves me. I will never doubt our connection. It is beyond what I could ever dream of being. The things that happen I could never imagine. I accept and I love him to infinity and beyond.

Popping Bubble Wrap

So you see there are always kinks in the system. It can be any system and right now for me it is basically called life. There are things that have been achieved because I've been patient and known I needed to take care of them, even when other people have put rocks in the road. Of course, the ones that help me grade the road outweigh the ones who think stoning someone is fun so I'm good to go with that. I have developed a patience I didn't know I possessed in some aspects of my life.

Now if I can be more patient with myself I'd be sailing on the big fluffy white pillow cloud in Heaven with Scott. I'm learning I really must be learning. This morning was a rough start. I did get out of bed earlier then normal to do my Mom duties. Hannah made it to school for early band even after late band and homework last night. I'm very super duper proud of her. She is amazing and working hard. How many Freshman do you know come home and say, "This will look really good on my college applications!" So with that said she has worked her way from the "Z squad" into the actual marching group. I'm not taking credit because I voiced my opinion but she worked hard to get there. She comes by that ability honestly. If you know her please make sure she knows for the rest of her life, even when it is my time to go, how very much I love her and how very proud of her I am. I tell her everyday but I want her to know that I shared it with others.

I make it through days without patches of grief hitting me in the face but today wasn't one of them. Last night I picked up one of Scott's t-shirts and held it close like a child would a blanket. I am craving being held in his arms and smelling his scent. I can still smell him but that warmth and strength of being in his arms and being tucked in close is so very painfully missed. The immense loneliness and pain is so very hard to describe. It does make what I've worked hard to achieve hard to continue. This world is cruel and there are no guarantees but I have to be patient with myself. No one is pushing me to be more then I am except me. How do I explain the feeling that I will forever be stuck in this bubble on a teeter-tooter. Smiling for the cameras and crying alone.

I'm not asking for explanations. I know it is what it is but that doesn't keep the world at bay while I work through the most painful event in my life. I know I'm not alone. I know others are out there who go through these moments after loosing their spouse but I can only speak from the depths of my own heart. I can only hope that someone has taken the time to pad my teeter-totter with lots of cushions so I don't hurt myself. Or at the very least wrap my poor fragile soul and heart in bubble wrap. At least then I would have warning when something is not right because I could hear the POP.

My friends that truly know me understand the depth of the love Scott and I share. If you were around us for any length of time I've been told before and after his death that he only had eyes for me. I know the same is for me. No one knows this story but in Jan a former coworker texted me out of the blue on a cold rainy Saturday morning. Scott had gotten up to shower and I was still all snuggled into the covers. This person proceeded to ask me out. I started laughing and showed Scott the texts. His response was "he'd better think twice about that! You're mine!" I had to agree. There were very few secrets we kept from each other. His teaching Hannah to drive might be one of the very few he was successful at keeping from me. If there are others that I don't need to know please don't burst my bubble wrap right now around my heart. I know we had our ups and downs but we had a great ability to communicate that got us through any troubled waters.

So today I faced a slap of grief in the face and got up and made it to work. There I let the problems of others consume me until I was able to hide from the grief and bury my troubles. Now if someone knows why my hair is falling out in huge clumps and I'm covered in welts on my neck and chest please send me a remedy! If it is psychological I guess I will just have to keep my biweekly counseling sessions. Hey at least she tells me that knowing me before and after the tragedy she knows I have abilities to find my way one day but right now it is still okay if all I can do is get out of bed.

Tomorrow will be another day of life. I want to look forward to them not just looking forward to marking them off. I don't want to live the rest of my life this way but here I go again expecting myself to fix everything in one day. Not today. Maybe not ever but I will get to know the joy of Scott's love again one day when it is my time. I'm not asking when or why. I just know it will happen. We are given two things by God in this life that are promised, birth and death. The time that comes in between is a gift. I thank God daily for my gifts but I also have to recall that the difficulties are also gifts. Just like eating your spinach, they will make you stronger.

Horror or Romance

Today I don't know what to write about. I'm on a big roller coaster today. I have felt like I'm part of the story of the Pit and the Pendulum by Edgar Allen Poe. That would fit my life maybe even to the point of Stephen King. I feel some days like I'm in a horror story, a tormented prisoner not of my own choice. I prefer to read mystery romance novels with a happy ending. Nicholas Sparks, Danielle Steele maybe would be better then this. They have ups and down, happiness and tragedies but most often points that make life better.

I have almost an entire collection of Danielle Steele's works. It was my inheritance from my Grandmother. She made sure I got them long before she ever died and then continued to add to them over the years as gifts for all occasions. I feel like I should be writing a story of my life but that it should be a work of fiction. Then I realize I'm one of those tragic souls in her stories but now how to I recover? How do I make it from my pit of despair into the light and love that was my life with Scott. I look around and most times I am good to go and then suddenly I feel alone in my bubble.

I don't want to be bubble girl. I want to live forward but I don't get to live forward how I would choose to be. My rings are super lose on my left hand. I'm afraid they will fall off with as much weight as I continue to lose but I can't bring myself to remove them. They are my connection to Scott. My Magic, the magic he gave me with his love. I can look at them and know exactly how much that love really could not be measured in dollars and cents. To infinity and beyond is priceless. One day I will be buried next to him and I will be at his side in the light and love of God but for now I have lessons to continue learning here on Earth. The mortal world as we know it.

Now in this fictional book of mine I could make anything happen and it would all come true. It now sounds like the makings of a movie. I know nothing of formal writing other then taking the words that aren't really floating in my head and typing. I sit here and write out to you without thoughts floating in my head. I read what I'm writing as if I've never heard it before. I guess that means I have magic hands and fingers because I'm only performing the action. Maybe this means I know how to use more of my brain then I realize. I type and the words poor out onto the screen. If I stop to think my brain has nothing there, not a little voice planning ahead just a blank canvas.

I need to know how to take this and earn a living that provides for Hannah into college and beyond. If I felt like I was worthy them maybe I could make that happen. Someone give me the courage to move forward with a new dream in life beyond the dream of being Scott's partner to infinity and beyond. I have no doubts that is the truth! The other side of taking my self esteem to the next level from spilling words forth. Hmm maybe this will give me a place to think after my fingers are done with my brain. I wish I had all the answers but I guess tonight isn't the night to find world peace or to even know I will be cared for in my old age financially. Oh well I at least have a little bit better peace of mind then when I started this entry a few minutes ago.

With this I leave you with a thought from my Daily Meditation book:

"There is no way out, only a way forward." - Michael Hollings

An Angel Day

Sickness strikes. I should be used to it and I really do know when it is coming along. I get stressed and my immune system strikes me down. I know what I have to do to keep healthy and I think some of that needs to happen! Today I won't bore you with the details but a rash and a sore throat gets you antibiotics! Then before I can get the antibiotics I get water that won't stay down and a massive headache. So I did what I'm supposed to do rest and take it easy.

Hannah got home from a great first day of High School to take care of me. Not what I wanted it to be. I had her call Mike and he picked her up to get all of her school supplies. He took care of me too - sprite and jello all the way. I'm very thankful to have them both around. It makes me miss Scott. The last time I felt like this he held my hair and didn't complain. Silly but it's the times like that when you know they really do love me.

Today also has huge meaning as it is what my dear friend Christine refers to as an "Angel Day." It is the day my Dad became an Angel 11 years ago. I know this date and it doesn't have bearing to the sickness but it does make me a lot sadder this year then before. I've always handled this day ok, maybe a bit crankier but today makes me miss them both so very much. Two of the most important men in my life are hanging out in heaven talking in good 'ol boy sayings. I always told Scott he would have enjoyed spending time with my Dad. I love you Daddy please guide him on his new journey.

So for today I will rest and go to bed so I can get up tomorrow to return to work. I don't have a choice I have to work. I'd rather be in Disney World maybe someday soon I can get there again.

Names have meaning

Sunday night. My worst night of it all. The place where it all started. They keep coming but it still hurts. To spend all that time all those hours looking for him and being alone. Sitting up for 36 hours and not knowing the pain, the trauma it is part of my makeup now. I'm trying to find things to look forward into the future. Today Hannah and I spent the day lounging and researching our newest future. My Mom and Aunt decided they wanted to work on something that was part of their bucket list a few months ago.

After lots of discussion and financial decisions I asked if Hannah and I could be included. It will require some thoughtful budgeting but it will be something for all of us. Scott and I had started planning to take Hannah on a cruise for her 16th birthday in 2 years the week before he died. He was like a kid in the candy store. We had started a list of places to go that made our bucket list. The first place we chose was Alaska on a cruise. It seems fitting to make that journey. We will truly be a family for Hannah. Her grandparents, her godparents and all of her parents. Scott will be along because I know he wants this trip to happen. He wants me to keep enjoying my life and be involved.

I'm frightened and scared to keep moving forward but I'm just trying. Yesterday we were talking about name meanings and Alexis sent me mine.

"Creative, versatile and imaginative. You appreciate beauty in all forms. You have great inner strength and courage and have the ability to accept large responsibilities or challenging situations with patience and humility. Others admire these qualities and follow your lead. You are honest, discerning and self-disciplined and need to have a peaceful environment. Putting others before self your talents are used to make life better for everyone"

I was shocked about how that is what I feel. I don't always have great patience but that has certainly have learned things about myself in these past few months. It will keep happening. I will have more to learn about myself. I will make sure I do what Scott wants. There are still things that need to be done but it will be okay. We will be next to each other in death. Not just our bodies but our hearts and souls will forever be connected. It isn't my time yet but he will keep protecting me and loving me to infinity and beyond.

Draft Day

Today was another milestone day in many ways. We had some estate business to finish so I met Laynie's Mom and she had Laynie with her. Hannah and Laynie got to see each other today for the first time in 4.5 months. They were both so very excited to be together again today for just a bit. They love each other so very much. We had lunch and did the one thing that has stressed me out. His funeral is completely paid for. Thank you to so very many people but mostly Steven Carter and the gang at Brazos Children's Center. I can never thank you all enough for your final gift to Scott. The power of love comes in many forms.

It may seem morbid but my final resting place will be right next to Scott. I don't want to hear things will change, you are young! Scott is where I will always belong and even if someone new comes along they will have to be okay with that just as Scott was okay with Mike being in my life because he is Hannah's father. If you really love someone those things are understood.

Then it was back home to finish the Texas Gridiron Fantasy Football League paperwork. It is a strange thing to inherit - a fantasy football league but today was exactly how he would have wanted it to be. The guys had a surprise for me! They had these really cool burnt orange (UT colors) with white lettering made. The front says Texas Gridiron League 2010 First Commemorative Draft. On the back it a great picture of Scott at the NFL Hall of Fame in Canton, OH standing next to Bobby Layne's statue. Underneath it says "It's a "Korny" kind of league. The guys all had jean shorts on because that was Scott's uniform. If you know him you can picture him. I had arrived in the t-shirt he always wore to drafts. Yes I have lost enough weight to wear some of his clothes. It was a first to leave the house in them though.

Now I have to say I had help getting the sheets together with all the stats on them. My bosses husband Is a sports writer for our local paper and does his own Fantasy Drafts. Insert BIG GRIN HERE. I sent him my picks after we were finished apparently I done good ;-) I've helped Scott do that and wrote them down for him while he spewed for his statistical knowledge but I have not a clue as to how to put those stats down that way. I do understand yardage, sacks, touchdowns and all the rest so once I had it organized I was able to pick with a bit of help from Mike keeping track of where we were in the draft. I was also at the same time putting everyone's picks into the computer so it would all be good to go for the first game of the season. Now I channeled Scott through most of this I'm sure because I looked at the list baffled and I was told once again what to do. They might be humoring me but they did tell me I did a pretty good job. We shall see when the season actually starts.

It was laughter and tears today for me. He would stand behind me against the wall where I sat today. I could feel him over my shoulder standing there laughing, joking and picking right along with the rest of the guys. We had so much fun then I had to leave to come home alone. I can picture driving home with him last year and the year before. Right now as I'm sitting here on the couch I can feel his arms around me holding me close. I will make life happen with his presence. I will learn to conquer more then I have and I continue to face the days of milestones. The first year has many of them but I will keep living forward. He wants me to live and live life to the fullest not sit around the house like a hermit. So today was all about Scott. So much so that Hannah's friend Alexis put a Buzz Lightyear on my keyring for me today also! He will never be forgotten!

Burgers and Fries

I wish for lots of things these days. I don't know how to keep from hoping that somehow one of them will come true. One of my residents tells me a lot lately that he is so happy to see me smiling again. I smile it is part of me just as the sadness beneath it is part of me now. I can never truly explain how the depth of all of these emotions. I am very much amazed and overwhelmed still by all of the things I'm struggling to make it through.

It's the crappy milestones that I have to get through. I don't care to much for any of them. But here we are it's time for Fantasy Football. I want to go and I don't want to go. I want to hide yet here I am. Tonight I took Hannah and Alexis to eat at Five Guys burgers. It was really funny because I had a few fries on a napkin that I was eating from and I looked up and Alexis was filling them up again as I ate. Yes the women in my life are amazing! Hannah let's me tag along with her friends and her friends take care of me too. The radio overhead did it's thing again while we sat there. I got tears in my eyes and Hannah was immediately all over it with "What's wrong? Are you ok? Mom?" I could only say it's the music. She didn't know the song but it was Eric Clapton.

I'm sitting here right now watching Letters to God. I don't know if I'll make it through the movie tonight. Tears and crying and all that. I'm trying to live forward. I will watch this movie because I need to have positive things to hear. Just now - "listen to your heart and hear what God wants you to do." I'm trying everyday I pray for the power of his light and his love to guide and protect me on this journey. To show me the way and to know I'm on the right path. I love and miss you, my love. Hold my hand and love me to infinity and beyond.

Something Found

Tonight I found something that I wasn't even looking for. I was trying to get the rules together for the Fantasy Football draft for Saturday. I pulled out Scott's computer which I haven't touched since the week he died. I had put it all away and haven't been able to touch it. I know I have the rules on my computer but I thought maybe they could have been on his because I don't remember updating them last year but I didn't find them there. Instead I found videos he made last summer for one of his OTR classes. I didn't see him but I can hear him. I can hear his snorting and his cute little Texas charmer voice. I was laughing and crying at the same time. He did a video on the steps for washing his hands.

I was sitting in the floor crying when Mike brought Hannah home from band. Hannah sat down next to me and we watched for a few minutes. Mike told me I need to make sure I get those onto DVD or saved somewhere else. I will do just that. My cute adorable Scott. It was another gift. It was another place he sent me to be. I asked to feel his presence today and there he was when I least expected it. Those moments are good for me. They give me hope that we will be together to infinity and beyond.

Hannah let me know she had a much better evening at band camp. Suddenly there are two more spots in the clarinet section and the "loser group" was getting extra practice tonight running them through the paces. Some of the kids, Mike said, were tired and sitting under a tree but Hannah was working hard. So my daughter was doing exactly what she does, works harder and gets what she wants. This may be a step in the right direction for both sides of the battle. I can't speak for the other kids but they were given a chance and what they do is their responsibility. If Hannah is working her hardest and not giving up then she is doing what she can do without just being handed a spot but on the flip side actually being taught and not just stood in the back.

I asked Scott for help and guidance on this problem. I don't think there will ever be a point in my life that I don't make a decision without asking for his input. Don't get me wrong he is not God but it is so much easier for me to ask him because he's so much closer and is part of God's love and a maybe has a bit shorter path to deliver a message. There wasn't anything we didn't share and if something was going on for either of us we knew how to help each other through the situation. That crazy other half twin telepathy. I know true love and that goes beyond any expectations of perfection. True love is perfect in both the good and bad times. I have no expectations to find someone to fill his shoes because honestly he was a one of a kind. Tonight I was happy and okay being in the house alone but yet I didn't feel alone as I have in the past. I felt like he was here hanging out. That isn't always the case but Thursday were always our night for each other. Even if all we did was go to the grocery store!!!

Keep praying for me. I'm not through this yet but I think I've become really flexible learning how to kick myself in the hiney! Hannah comes by being hard on herself naturally! She gets it from me but don't tell her I don't need any extra guilt right now :D

Priceless

I'm so very tired of life again. My head is pounding and I really don't need stupidity and stress but it is everywhere on days that I need to be calm and quiet.

I don't get how education is all about winning a competition instead of teaching students to succeed without segregating them into a losers group. I'm trying not to dwell but I'm very upset and irritated. Just because a "long history" of this doesn't mean it is acceptable. It is okay to change the direction and still win a competition. It will be fixed. I'm not okay with this and I can't believe OTHERS find this practice acceptable!!! I'm appalled to consider these people part of the community and let this practice continue! Tonight a very dear friend said to me the band should be just as her band director in a large school in Texas said to them way back when.... "You are only as good as your weakest link. If you see someone struggling then you need to be out there helping them along!" I agree and will fight that for not just Hannah but the other kids who deserve to participate.

I don't need more to stress about but here we go. Life is to short to be about winning a stinking competition but giving kids a chance to learn and grown and make amazing memories as a team is something they can take with them forever. I feel the need to shout from my soapbox at the world. Stop and smell the flowers, enjoy the scent of the rain and marvel at the sight of a rainbow! Those things make life a bit better for each of us. Take the time to love and rejoice in life. Give a gift to someone and expect nothing in return. Hold someones hand, teach a child, hug an older person! Do things that aren't measured with money but give a meaning that is priceless!

Is There an App for That?

Today I realized (like I didn't already know this!) that my iPhone needs apps for a variety of things that happen in this world. I'm actually in an okay mood for all that has happened in the last months. I'm not happy but I'm surviving. I don't like to just survive but well I'm also not crying all the time. So in me trying to find humor in the day to day parts of this crap that is my life for now I started thinking about things I would like to have an app to help my life be less crap!

I need an app that:

1. Drives my daughter to all her new extracurricular activities and outings with friends.

2. Tells my staff at work to stop expecting me to hand them things on a silver platter with instant gratification and to stop asking me to do something which I have not a single bit of control over thousands of times!

3. Scoop the kitty box

4. Do my laundry or at the very least fold the stuff in the dryer!

5. sorts and answers the two separate piles of mail on my counter - Scott's and mine!

6. wipes my tears

7. cooks my dinner

8. helps people realize that tomorrow isn't a promise and we need to work on being a better person today.

9. takes my aches and pains away.

10. brings Scott back to me.

Well I don't think there will ever be an app for any of those things. So if you can find an app that helps me sleep longer then four or five hours at max each night let me know!

A Few of my Favorite Things

Rainbows and Music are just a few of my favorite things!! Tonight I dropped Hannah off for the Meet the Panthers and new stadium ribbon cutting ceremony for the High School. Yes we really do take our high school football seriously. Scott was so excited for this year and watching our daughter play in the band and all the stuff before and after halftime. Yes that would be the game. If there was a stat he could tell you what it was.

I went back during the time we had to be there and I walked into the beautiful new stadium. Bits of it are the same but not much. I stood in the stands at the 50 yard line and looked East. Over the guest side of the stadium between the lights was a partial rainbow. It was there during the National Anthem. I found a new place to cry - Panther Stadium. Hannah played and I could see her. Today I went and purchased our season tickets to our four home games. It will be hard to go but I will be there for Hannah.

Before I dropped Hannah off we went to eat. We were waiting on our food in an empty restaurant except for the workers in the kitchen. As we sat down Hannah says, "oh know" and then I hear the song. It is, of course, "I Hope You Dance!" I just smile and tell her he plays that one a bunch. We talked about how it was switched at the funeral but that's okay. I don't care how it got switched. I dropped Hannah off and then headed home to change. As I pulled into the driveway, "The Dance" plays and I sit in the driveway and cry.

I love feeling his presence. Sometimes I continue to be amazed by the power but I'm never afraid. He is very comforting just as he promised. He will always find a way. He has gifts that I can't understand just yet. It's not my time to understand but I do embrace the love. I do have Rainbows and Music as just a few of my favorite things.

Short

Home again. It was a funny weekend but I survived roughing it. No water except to turn on briefly. I must say I don't think I would have survived well in the Victorian era. I certainly don't like camping out. We got some things done at Mom's house but I was ready to get home to shower for real.

Tonight I actually ate tons of food. I actually think I overdid it but it was food. More then I've eaten in four months. My tummy doesn't like it but well I bet that everyone that has worried about how much I eat would be okay with that.

Tonight I'm keeping this short. My brain and body are tired and I really should sleep tonight before midnight. Work is back and Monday is back. I'm sure the pile on my desk hasn't moved and I will be ready to conquer the stack. This week will be more to keep my mind occupied and I have my wonderful daughter home again. The loneliness is so much less just having her in the house.

Anticipation

I managed to get a sound sleep last night. I still woke up at the crack of dawn but I was rested a bit more and smiling. I must have had a nice dream because I woke up thinking of Scott and smiling. Sometimes being in our home is hard but other times it is the only place I can function. I still cry multiple times a day but not always the overwhelming ongoing sobbing.

My Mom keeps me busy when I spend time with her. She called me yesterday and she has a leak in the plumbing in the wall and the water is off most of the time until the plumber can get here to fix it. I told her she could come to my house but well anyway you know how that goes with Mom's. I'm sure Hannah says that about me. So here we are roughing it. Today though she rented a condo in her neighborhood for the day to can pickles. Yes she kept me busy, chopping garlic. I smelled so lovely but hey at least I got to shower.

I could have stayed home alone but I can only stand my self for so long and well I'm starting to answer myself when I talk out loud! I don't know if I can stand myself for the rest of my life. I miss my best friend and love. See here I go crying again. I'm antsy again. I need to head to bed but I'm having trouble sitting still. When I get like this I feel the intense pain of what/who is missing from my day. We were rarely apart but in the times we were early on in our relationship it was the anticipation of being together again. I have that anticipation but know it isn't going to happen. The downward spiral starts from that and sometimes I really have to work to get moving again. Listening to his voice on his voicemail doesn't solve the problem but it does ease the pain a bit. Smelling his deodorant, his smell makes it bearable. Now that I've lost so much weight I can wear his longhorn athletic shorts and most of his tshirts but I only have one I prefer to wear. It all makes me feel close to him. It doesn't bring him back into each others arms but I know he really wasn't a figment of my mind. He really did love me for five years. He really kept my life full of excitement. Not always the way we wanted but hey we all have baggage.

So today I once again got up and now I once again complete another day. Unless I develop Alzheimer's I don't think there will ever be a day that goes by without me missing our life together and the love we share. Infinity and beyond!

Magical Package

What a week this has been. I'm worn out but my desk at work has many fewer to do tasks. I still have trouble multitasking but I am making decisions faster. I'm just such an OCD personality sometimes that if things aren't organized my mind gets muddled. I'm making it and prioritizing what needs to be done. I like having projects and there will be ongoing projects because well isn't that life.

I have a new little travel buddy. My friend from grade school, Jr. high and high school is a Disney buff just like me. I know there are more of you out there. She and her family went to WDW in June over Scott's birthday. She knows about our trips and asked if there was anything she could do for me while I was there. My only request was of a photo of Buzz and to ride Pirates of the Caribbean. This last week I received a care package in the mail. I got my own little stuffed Buzz to hug and a photo her husband took of Buzz for me. Also in the box was the most amazing photo by my new favorite photographer, John Knell, her husband. He has his own page on Facebook, Knell StudioWorks. Check it out!!! John took this photo that immediately captured my heart. It was taken after a rain shower in the Magic Kingdom and a rainbow had formed right over Cinderella's castle. John gave me this photo because of the powerful positive emotions and how touched I was by the Magic from this exact moment.

Life still has meaning. I would never trade the three magical years Scott and I shared. If I never find love with another I'm truly okay with that because I know the power of real love and what life is supposed to be for me. I wish that for each of you and that you never loose the joy of life. I'm trying to find joy on my own. I can see it in little things but the magic is hard to create sometimes. I will find a way to get through the panic attacks that still hit even with meds. I will find a way to be outside my turtle shell a little more as time goes along. Right now it is okay to have the shell to protect my fragile heart. I believe that with everything I know that life is too short to have regrets, anger or hurt. I believe in the power of love in all that we are and all that we will achieve. Love is the only thing we can take with us and how we approach any difficulty makes us stronger or kills us! I may have days that I want to be with Scott but I don't get to make that decision so I have to keep trying to live forward.

Partying

Hey I'm a party animal. One of Hannah's friends since the fifth grade has a bunco party for back to school and I was invited to attend too. It was a blast to be there with the girls. The girls are all so great and we cheered and had fun. Hannah didn't mind me tagging along and we didn't even end up at the same table once. I had a really nice time with my daughter and her friends. Thank you so very much Tammie. I'm so glad our girls have given us the chance to become friends over the years.

I have to say in all of the past four months that women are truly caregivers. My friends, ALL of my friends and family have been here for me but the women deal so much better with the emotional side of all of this. I feel so protected and loved. I know I still feel lonely because of the constant companionship being gone but I am making an effort to be out of my little turtle shell. It is so funny because Scott got to deal with my emotions but he really hated when I cried. He just wanted me to be happy.

This morning when I got into the car the first song out of the radio was Diamond Rio singing "I wish for one more day with you but then I'd wish for more." So just so you know and I'm very clear on this, I WAS crying before I got to the end of the driveway. I got my morning hug. Yes I am emotional but it is very comforting feeling his energy around me so often. I know I am part of his heaven. I am where he wanted to be forever. He is helping me live and until we get to meet there he will help me.

For several days I've had this nagging feeling I needed to do something. I haven't been able to figure it out. The today I was explaining this to my counselor who really keeps me sane. It was finally loud and clear that I needed to do something with the bookshelf in our bedroom. I've looked at the books before. I've pulled them out and laughed at all the wrinkled pages. Tonight though I found a book my mother had given me that I'd forgotten about. It is the song that was played at the funeral in the wrong spot that I didn't select but it seems to be right. The book is a testament to "I Hope You Dance." It has the intro written by LeeAnn Womack and then it takes the song and breaks it into pieces with each section adding quotes and thoughts. It also comes with the single on the CD in the back.

He really does send me on missions. I can't explain the drive to do somethings sometimes and today I told him I wasn't getting what he wanted me to do. I needed him to be clearer. Well I found what he wanted me too. I think the book was an added "I Love You!" I can say that because the other day I made a comment about the fantasy football draft. I am responsible for keeping Scott's team going in his league. I know how to keep the league running and the guys are helping but honestly picking of the individual players is a bit of an overwhelming process for me. I used to listen to the football and I know the rules of the league and how to play but I would get lost in the stats. He would tell me stuff and I couldn't hold it in my brain. His brain thrived on numbers and stats of players. My comment was that I know Scott would be there helping me pick players for his team. Well on that bookshelf was the magazines he used last year to research.

So I was told what magazines I needed to buy! Tonight Hannah and I ran to the grocery store and I just happened by the magazines and saw exactly what I was supposed to buy. Now the overwhelming energy of get this done now is resting for a moment. I guess the next responsibility is to read them. I won't know what I'm reading but I will ask for answers. It is the only thing I know to do! I have to laugh because it is truly how he is.

"Give the Heavens above more than just a passing glance!" - I HOPE YOU DANCE

Hard on myself

In all of these days that have passed nothing really seems easier. I force myself not to cry. I force myself out of bed. I do achieve so many things but find enjoyment happens because I look to make it happen. I look for the joy in little things. When I do find enjoyment I feel the energy of Scott enjoying the times with us too.

Tonight we toured the High School looking for Hannah's classes and her locker with her friend, Holly, Holly's Mom and another band friend with her mom. I could see Scott walking the halls and marveling at the beauty and the size of the school. He loved being Dad to both our girls. I find so much joy and fear in sending her off to high school. It is another step forward. I want so to be so excited for her but then I selfishly have my own moments where I want to stop time.

I need to face all of the things I feel. I think about all that I have left but the hole is still there. I'm working around it but I'm not very good at it. I'm on overload and I don't know exactly what to do somedays. I'm worn out but I still can't sleep. Can someone please tell me how to sleep? How do I make it to a happy place again? I don't know really what I want but I can't stop being hard on myself. Why am I so hard on myself? I can't find a place where the emptiness is less painful. I love him so very much. This isn't the path he chose for us but I have to make due with what I have.

That sounds so very pitiful and I don't want a pity party. I really do want to live forward but with a little less force!

Fiji someday, maybe

This morning I sat in the floor of the shower talking to Scott. It is a place of comfort with the water cascading over me. I asked for him to hold me and send me signs that he is still here with me. His favorite mode of communication with me has from the very beginning even alive been music. He would sing to me and even now the music is powerful. The minute I turned on the car the radio started singing to me. I was crying before I could even pull out of the driveway. It was the song that played at his funeral as they took his body out, Leann Womack "I hope you Dance."

It continued all the way to work. I'm surprised I wasn't a raccoon. It was another day to get through. This entire week has just started but I want it over. I know I couldn't have gone to Fiji without him but the funny thing is I feel like he is disappointed that I didn't go. He wanted that trip for us. It was his gift to me but I couldn't get there. The travel company was horrid and refunded nor credited the trip to something I could use later. They applied the "credit" to a card he had used once to make an initial deposit. The rest of the funds had come straight from his checking account. So they did this without even consulting me even though I was part owner of the trip. I try not to think to much about it. Maybe one day I can get to Fiji but I don't really know if I will.

The life I have keeps stepping forward. I keep making new memories but feel Scott in everything that his happening. His energy was very powerful for me when he was alive and it is the same energy I feel with me now. We each have our own energy or spirit that we can feel. I know I have been around others who I feel have a negative energy that surrounds them. For Scott our energies entwined were very powerful. I feel his specific energy with us. Today I felt him when I took Hannah to pick up her schedule for high school. It seems not so very long ago that he was with us and waited in the car when we picked up a schedule for fifth grade!

He was with us tonight as Mike, Pamela and I learned to march on the practice field. I could hear him laughing as we created new memories. I know he is here. I know I feel his love and when I ask for signs I get them. The other thing I told him this morning was that I was tired of being alone and I really missed Hannah. Somehow today he answered. Hannah will be home a few days earlier then planned. I can't explain but I trust in the power of the love Scott and I share. It is lonely but he will continue to guide me through this process and help me reach a new place that is full of life. I will live forward. I will also love forward.

Emptiness

I think I'm in a new phase of this process. I know it because I feel lost and lonely again. I struggle with what I have to do each day. More so then how I was feeling over the last bit. Just when I start to feel better and not feel so hopeless I have a new surge of everything again.

I can't seem to bury myself in anything right now. Sometimes I've been able to get involved in an activity and feel normal. But right now I just hanging on again. I'm doing it but if someone can define it that would be a big help!!! I hang out at home. I have my alone time but well I don't want so much alone time. I want a social life but I don't know what that means either. I am amazed at how important being a couple with Scott was to me. I know it was important to him. Not because he is gone it was that amazing to me when he was alive. Joined at the hip, yes. I love that feeling that never dulled. I miss those feelings. I don't like this emptiness.

So today I can be once again ok with a variety of emotions from the start of the day to the end of the day. I have more work to do because I didn't get it done but I'm done for the day physically and emotionally. I'm going to sit here and be until the clock tells me to go take my meds to go to sleep. Maybe I will feel different tomorrow. But I won't know that until I get to the day.

Nope, Nothing

Just a day. A day that is further from the last time I saw Scott. The last time he touched me, told me he loved me, teased me, held me in his arms, and kissed me. It is hard to continue to move forward alone. Today I tried to do the things I was supposed to do but apparently I was to attempt to conquer today alone. I ended up having one of those dizzy spells I get with low blood pressure.

I have made it through the day sitting on the couch, wondering around doing this or that and spending so extra time resting. I have the kitties to keep me company. Earlier today they laid down on me and now my oldest one is laying on the arm of couch with her paw resting on my arm. The youngest was doing her chase around the house with Scott. She stops and looks where he sat on the floor and then suddenly starts running. I miss sitting here with him, each on our own computers, sending an IM across the room. I miss hearing his voice telling me football stats.

Today the Cowboys played and the thought makes me cry. Last summer we went to training camp with friends. We had the best time. We laughed and joked and walked. Loneliness is a horrible pain. When I feel like this I try to talk to him and keep our connection going. I just started crying and the cat sitting next to me has jumped onto my chest and is licking my tears off my face. So I still have to figure out how to live alone without having a panic attack, move forward to the whatever I'm supposed to do. I don't want to move forward. I want the life I had back but well I don't get that. I can't get anyone to tell me what to do. I can't get anyone to hold my hand. I can't get anyone to sit and hold me when I cry. The pain is still deep. Too deep for words.

Spriitual Treasures

Today was another one of those days. I have been busy all day. Exhausted but busy. I had to do a few chores related to the estate this morning. Three banks and four hours later we are a bit closer. It is stressful but I'm glad it gives me something to focus on in besides my grief. I've got things that I need to do for Laynie and I. The way Scott expects it to be handled. He guides me through this process. When I don't know what path to take he shows me the way. I hope one day Laynie and I can sit and remember the three years of her life where we tried to give her the world. I wish I could spend more time with her - maybe someday. We miss her dearly just as much as we miss her Daddy.

I have things I do to keep the pain at bay when I've got to get through another event. I don't know when the events that we had planned will stop hitting me in the face but someday they will be fewer. We had plans beyond our retirement. We had plans on tormenting the staff in the nursing home. I don't want to make it that far but I don't get to pick my expiration day. So I will push through our plans and learn how to make new ones.

Tonight I met my good friend and her daughter for my Mexican dinner fix at Ninfas. We sat talking once again! We can keep talking for hours. It got me through to the time Scott and I should be on a flight from DFW to LA and then onto Fiji. As we were talking she shared that she had been out to the cemetery where Scott is buried. There is an old section and a new section. She was in the old section doing some genealogy research when she felt a calling to go to the new section. She didn't go to the graveside at the funeral. She didn't know where he is buried.

She drove with her family straight to his grave. She felt as if she was pulled to be there, as if he was pulling her to be there. She got out of the car with her daughter. Then her daughter went back to the car. She stood there talking to him. She asked what he needed from her. She told him she was checking on me and was there if I needed her. He just needed to help us along. I know the pull she was feeling. I feel it daily. So tonight he sent us together so that I didn't have to make it through all my what ifs along. His love is powerful. I will take these treasures from Scott. He is here. He will love me to infinity and beyond and I will love him bunches of circles. My heart I love you if flowing into my head. He will continue to make my life magical.

Out There

This has been a very long week. I'm so very tired of repeating myself here but it does help me get my feelings sorted out and keep living. Just as my reading, crazy television schedule of numbing programs and hanging out with my pillows when I go to bed at night keep me calm.

I'm learning to get to places that I don't think I would have been in before all this stuff happened. I would go and do things with Scott and we would socialize together but we were just that together. Tonight I took Hannah to her band picnic. It was fun to see the kids have so much fun. I talked and socialized without Scott. I'm not incapable of this skill I just am overcoming the hurdle of it being easier in a pair. They were having a discussion about college band departments and the differences between each program. Someone mentioned Grambling State and they wondered where the school was. I couldn't tell you but I kept thinking that I knew Scott would know without using Google.

I'm trying to get there. I liked seeing the kids have a crazy time with all the games and the food fight with Ramen noodles. It was fun seeing them have a blast. I know my life is possible because of Hannah. I did manage to have the radio do it's thing on my way home so I sobbed for a bit and then sat in the driveway having a one-sided conversation with Scott about how we should be loading all the last minute items into our luggage and trying to get our sleep schedules adjusted. Now I'm sitting on the couch watching an underwear commercial. I think I got the short end of the stick! I know he didn't leave me on purpose and I know he would rather be here headed to Fiji. Tonight in my dreams I hope we can find a way to see each other again. I like seeing him and hearing him say the things he only said to me.

A Clue!

I'm getting there slowly but surely. I am being true to myself and understanding who I am. I am a little out of kilter but I am recognizing that and trying very hard to not let it control and consume me. The trip to Fiji is really getting to me. The little things that go along with planning a special trip. He bought my Kindle for me at Christmas with the International feature so I could read all I wanted laying on the beach or the daybed in front of our bure. All of the special times a truly romantic honeymoon is supposed to be. Don't get me wrong we had that everyday but making memories was very special. We worked really hard to get what we had and do the things we did. I'm trying to get to a point where I can learn to make new memories and not just sit on the couch and stare at the computer and TV. Someday but not yet.

Today's quote:

"Nothing can fill the gap when we are away from those we love, and it would be wrong to try and find anything. We must simply hold out and win through. That sounds hard at first, but at the same time it is a great consolation, since leaving the gap unfilled preserves the bond between us. It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap; He does not fill it, but keeps it empty so that our communion with another may be kept alive, even at the cost of pain." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I do want to feel better. Someday I will feel better but I will never forget. The discussion part of the passage today states, "...our ability to love and care is not limited to some finite number, so that taking on a new love means replacing an old one. Time does not expand, but love does..." The space in my heart marked Scott will always be his. Love has no boundaries. I have the ability to keep loving all those I love now and there will always be room to love more. Each love is just expressed in a different way.

I'm taking it easy on myself but darn it I really want to be in Fiji with Scott. Our discussion in the hammock on the beach at DisneyWorld was partly about how the next time we sat on a beach would be even more magical then that moment was and it was very amazing. He is holding me. He is here with me. I wish I could travel with him to make that dream come true. Maybe someday but not today.

Tonight my beautiful silly daughter and I sat on the couches watching TV. I wasn't allowed to watch House Hunters so we finally agreed on Blues Clues. It was a great memory to make with her based on the memories of her childhood. It really made us laugh and smile while we were yelling at the TV helping find the clues. When she was in diapers she would run around the house in her diaper yelling, "Mommy! Daddy! I found a clue!" My beautiful little girl is turning into a amazing young woman.

I will keep getting out a bed and finding my purpose in each day. I will keep living with the pain but more importantly the love for so many people that I can't express the words to all of the people that have given me strength to make it.

Magical

I got up and went today but it was not easy. Not because of grief per se but more because I'm exhausted. I guess that is really the grief then.

"We cannot do everything at once but we can do something at once." - Calvin Coolidge

I'm trying to do something one at a time. I don't always know what I'm doing but at least I am doing something. To be honest I'm not sure what it was today but I'm sure I did something. Oh wait I went to work and treated my patients. Granted I was there until almost 7pm because I had trouble being inspired to get out of my chair at my desk. I came home and nuked a frozen breakfast burrito and let my bobo planted on the couch. Now I will finish this and head to bed.

I want to keep living. I want to be happy without taking meds to smile and sleep. I want to go places and live the life Scott wanted us to live together. This Saturday I was supposed to be on a plane to Fiji with Scott. He was like a kid in a candy store with all this stuff. I was excited but was trying to live in what we had but he took me along so I know I was just as excited as he was. I can make it through these milestones and find a way to make plans for new ones.

They are happening I just don't care so much for all of them. Not that I want to offended anyone but well just hard to make it through stuff. I know he's here I know he wants me happy. I know that there will never be another person to fill my his spot in my heart. The power of love is beyond words. It knows no boundaries or places to stop. It is endless just like the circle.

So with that thought I leave you to ponder the love in your life and know there are not ways to create a fence for the love. Find all those you love and feel the immense satisfaction in love without rules or expectations. It is truly magical to love that way.

Meanings

Life with Scott had so many meanings for us. We could communicate in the code or with a look. Today I spent time thinking about the things that were large symbols of our love. Our wedding rings! When we decided to go the formal route of the piece of paper that didn't change our love. That day we looked at each and started laughing because for the thousandth time someone had said to us, "you two are already married, why don't you actually get married." It was a nice cold winter Saturday. We were out running errands and suddenly we were in jewelry stores - eight of them. His instructions were very specific, "Pick out one ring in each store that you like!" I did just that in six of the stores. So for the next month and a half it was banter back and forth about the time and date of the proposal. He refused to tell me. Imagine that! I hate secrets and he managed to keep that one. My engagement ring has so many meanings but the big stones were about two families becoming one and the past, present and future. That was the most perfect proposal for us. His little boy excitement and my shock and surprise.

Our individual wedding bands were also special. He picked mine out on his very own. My band has his favorite lucky number of stones. I can see his little smile of joy when we stood in the jewelry store after he called me in to make sure it fit with my ring. I love going back and standing in the store and the bench that makes me smile and have tears. At the same time we had received a catalog with a ring that I just knew was for him. We went into that store on the same day. He tried on several different styles but came back to the one I had originally picked. It is two bands, one silver inside one smaller of gold. It symbolizes our infinity and beyond love. A circle has no endings. Our love has no endings.

Tonight I went to dinner with my friend Angela. On the way there I was driving along and was suddenly aware that I had TWO WHITE TOYOTA TUNDRAS on each side of me. The same body style as Scott's. I was glad I didn't have far to go. Seeing the trucks around town has been a step for me to overcome. Unless I move to Alaska I have to get past somethings but it is only one step at a time. There are still things that I refuse to even address. Someday but not today. I feel a mess in all of my emotions. I'm understanding bits and pieces of life, my new life, at a time and the old pieces still matter, still have meaning.

Family

Right as I type this I'm texting with my brother. He texted me out of the blue to tell me that he loves me. I have the best brother. Granted we haven't always been that way and I know we have grown up bunches over the years. You know the saying I can mess with my sister but just let anyone else try! That is us. Scott and I talked lots about our relationships with our siblings. We both had crazy ups and downs.

We are both the oldest and that isn't always easy. Just the week before he died we had a conversation about how I felt as a sister and how he felt as a brother. We talked about how just as in our relationship, spending time with each other because you never know when life will be over, that we must keep trying to make nice with our siblings. It is hard to believe that the next week he was gone and now my brother who I know loves me is actually telling me he loves me! In the end it really is love that you take with you. I love my family so very much. I have a huge extended family to support me also. My Grandmother would be so very proud of the love of all of her grandchildren. We each have our own lives but dropping everything if times of crisis or just calling to say I love you and how are you hanging in there makes it all easier.

"In the community of love, all are at home." from my daily grief meditation book


So in my chosen community of love I will make it through each day until someday the pain isn't the focal point of my daily life!

Hanging Out

"Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged,
Missing me one place search another,
I stop somewhere waiting for you." -Walt Whitman

Yes it is true. Scott's presence is very apparent for me at times. Today has been one of those days. I feel him protecting me today. I'm not sure why because it has been a nice day but then again maybe that has been why it has been a nice day. I talked to him when I felt him and the power of love soared. It is very overwhelming power of love that we shared all the time.

Mike brought Hannah over to mow the yard. It was funny because he ended up mowing the yard for me. I can't get on the mower yet. We would have battles over who mowed the yard better. Mike has talked about a dream he had last week with Scott in it. He said it was very unsettling. I feel like Scott is telling him to keep an eye on me and help me. I know this is a hard time for all of us. Mike and Scott spent lots of time together. Two very amazing men. It really is possible to be nice and wish each other happiness. I know Mike knows the depth of the love Scott and I share. He has never once voiced a grudge. He just talks about what great guy he was.

Today was less lonely. Like I said before he was here all day. The energy I feel is relaxed and settled. Like he's home and taking a break. I wonder what his responsibilities are like on the other side. We as humans are all about money and such but I can't imagine that is important anymore. We should be less focused on stuff as humans. I have stuff yes but it isn't what makes me happy. It makes me comfortable but happiness for me is from my interactions that are filled with love and kindness. I don't understand anger and hatred. I get snarky sometimes but then I feel guilty so I try to stop myself. All of our stuff is intermingled. We really had no defining of his and mine. After living in the same house for almost three years we just had our stuff.

Things we had bought together. We shared everything. It is hard to open a cabinet and use a cooking utensil that we had purchased. I can remember the exact moment the blue spatulas were bought and the laughter, teasing, hugging and kissing in the kitchen store. It didn't matter what we were doing we just loved being together. That is the feeling I have had today. That we hung out together. It felt less lonely today. I felt pushed to do the laundry. My laundry man still doesn't like me leaving piles of clothes sorted in the bathroom. It has been just an overwhelming sense of peace today. I continue to pray for love and peace.