Bungalow of Love

2010 has been the worst year of my life or at least I should say the last nine months of it. Tonight I should be ringing in the new year just as we had planned an exact duplicate of last year. We went to our special place in Fredericksburg for a romantic weekend getaway. At this time we were sitting down to a five star gourmet meal five course meal. Wine and beer were allowed because we just had to walk to our little bungalow down from the main house. We held hands and discussed our bright future and all of our exciting plans and dreams.

Our honeymoon in Fiji had just been picked, we were making a list of things that needed to be done and timelines for it all. We didn't make it to midnight to ring in the new year. We snuggled into our king sized bed and held each other tight in the arms of our love. It had become very cold and blustery so when the new year dawned we awoke to freezing temps. Scott was always prepared because he never got that cold. He could layer and was happy. I had forgotten my coat so we did a Wal-mart run. Great sales on wrapping paper for this Christmas. It was hard to pull it out and use it this year but I did. You see we never stopped planning ahead and never taking any moments for granted.

Have you ever felt like you were capturing a mental photograph in your head to save it forever. That seems to be what happened with all of these amazing things we did together. Tonight Hannah and I drove to Mom's to take care of her after surgery. As I'm driving I feel Scott with me because the route is an exact path just stopping a bit sooner. Hannah and I stopped in the same store at almost the same time Scott and I were together gathering snacks for the weekend. I have the cutest picture of him taken in our bungalow. It was the first picture of him in 2010. He worked a bit on reports for work to try to get things done while I read my Kindle - my gift from him that hasn't stopped giving. Each moment of last New Year's Eve has come rushing back all the smallest details. Bet you didn't know buying a can opener could be a memory of romance for our future together. Our things in our kitchen, not his or mine, but ours. It was to be a great first year for new memories but it all came crashing down three months later. I treasure all the time we had together but if I knew then what I know NOW!!! He never would have been allowed to drive again but then it would have just been something else.

So tonight as I'm shedding tears of what will never be I must choose to keep trying to live forward. I will always see him across the table from me on every New Year's Eve for the rest of my life, smiling, laughing and loving me.

I keep telling you how things happen that I don't always understand. Tonight I got an email from our photographer we had hired. He had refunded half of our full payment right after Scott died but he felt regardless of the contract he can't keep the deposit because of the tragedy. He is sending me a check for the rest. I'm am so very touched by his kindness and his thoughtfulness. I don't need the money. I had accepted it was part of doing business but tonight someone does a great gift of kindness. So through my tears of memories of love and missing what I will never have again someone touches my heart.

I have a huge heart filled with love but it is cloaked by the pain of grief.I feel like Scott is still here with his arms around me guiding me, protecting me and showing me the way just as I ask each day. Someday I will return to our bungalow and cross another bridge. Tonight I live with the memories of Scott and our love. It will never be replaced and it can never be taken from me. My love, my heart to infinity and beyond.

Dollhouse

Last night I was doing my favorite activity planted on the couch streaming netflix to the TV and playing Frontierville when I here a person on the tv show "Dollhouse" say "the true strength of a person is how they deal with pain." Hmm it must be true because I'm dealing with lots of pain and I keep moving. The TV program has meaning for Scott and I. We started watching this show quite by accident and because it was on Friday nights we always seemed to miss it for the most part. We caught up when Season 1 came out on DVD so we rented them all and laid cuddled in bed catching up.

It was a fun show and by the producer of Buffy and Angel, which we both liked. The best part for Scott was he thought the lead character played by Elisa Dishku was hot. We tried to catch Season 2 but it seemed like we always had wedding stuff to do at my parents house which required traveling on Friday evenings. We missed most of them so I put the show into the queue so we would be able to watch them all. Sadly the we found out the show was cancelled before Scott died but they hadn't finished airing all the episodes. We had never seen the one I was watching last night. He died before it aired. So I feel as if he was there with me again.

For the most part I just hang out in the evenings when I get home. The activities of the fall have ceased. My driving foot is not so worn out but I'm a bit bored. The people have stopped calling and getting me out of the house. I'm sure life is busy for them so I'm okay with entertaining myself. Not much different then before except I had company all the time. I have spiritual company but it's not the same as the someone tickling your toes to get your attention.

So does it really mean the strength of character is judged by how a person deals with pain? I don't know I can't answer that question but I can say that living forward is all I know how to do. As I wait on the eve of a day that was a magical time for us. I will explain all of that. I know how to protect others, to keep them from feeling sad. I can wait and deal with it in my alone space and feel the gentle reminders that Scott is with me loving me forever, to infinity and beyond.

The Dishwaher

What do you do when the world comes crashing around you? I happen to know the answer not because of Scott's death. I knew that answer long before he and I ever met. So you see 11 years ago my Father died and three weeks later I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I know how to get off my bobo and live forward. It's just that I keep getting kicked. How does anyone keep getting up? I know I'm not the only one in the world who goes through this stuff? It just feels so very lonely sometimes.

One of my MS things is fatigue. If I don't watch it I'm dead to the world. The last few weeks have been rough emotionally. Those emotions end coming out some how. I try to keep then explored and dealt with but sometimes I can't avoid it. Last night I went to bed with a migraine. I took meds and woke up worse then I was when I went to bed. I have had a nice migraine which leads to the right side of my face swelling and feeling like rubber. Don't be shocked. I've gotten used to it over the years and I know how to deal with it. The part I don't care for is the dizziness and the weak muscles. Makes living a little less fun. So today I did what I know to do. SLEPT ALL DAY!

Works for me because it is what I know. Now the part that frustrates me is that is all I know. Just like loosing Scott. It is all I now know. Reality has shifted. I know my reality isn't the only shift in the world. I can take care of myself but when I was in the hospital and dying the person I saw when I woke in the ICU was Scott. Now I know that when I see him again it will mean something different. Why was I given another chance at life only to be going through this. Scott used to tell me he wouldn't have been able to handle losing me. Now here I am finding whatever the heck it takes to deal with losing him.

So here I am, fighting with my body to cooperate. I don't really have control of anything in my life. My body does what it wants and I learn how to make it work. That is really hard to do when I'm an detail oriented organizer. Oh well I guess it's like the dishwasher. If someone else takes the time to load it just wash them don't go back and rearrange them. I can't fix my MS, I can't return Scott to his physical self and I really wish I could afford to hide from the rest of the world but I can't so I close the dishwasher and press start. I just hope it all comes out clean!

A Cuddle and a Movie

It really is the small things that seem so ordinary and suddenly here he is. Just when I can't figure out how, who, what, when, or why the answer floats into my head. We have had a netflix subscription since Scott moved in with us. We each had our own lists and a number of movies. Scott was abusing his and not studying so I gave him the "really" Mom/wife look and took his list and put some of his movies into mine. Actually we did this together because when we had quiet down time we snuggled and watched movies.

Tonight I have been snuggling with my large Buzz and four blankets watching the Netflix movies that have arrived. It was my entertainment when Hannah and Scott were doing homework. I used to watch them and see how many I could get unlimited in a month. I've even figured out the postal system to have a new one everyday. I don't do that so much now but it was fun. I would watch all my British based on a novel BBC movies and somehow they would both find their way into my shows. They got their homework done but they would get hooked on my multidisc episodes and would ask me when I was watching the next one. It is so funny to sit here thinking about Scott watching my program about an English Victorian female doctor. Shh don't tell him I told but he really was very well rounded. Not all football and sports.

As I finished the first of my two movies it dawned on me why this movie was in my queue. Two + years ago we sat on the couch one night picking movies to watch. Our list was 200+ movies but this was one he selected. I was okay with the choice but until tonight I had forgotten. That is how it works a new movie arrives and it is like the lottery because I don't check very often unless there is a bunch of new movies out that I want to get added so I don't forget about them. The next movie was about a widower who has two teenage children and meets another woman and lives forward. I don't remember putting that one into the queue but I must have.

So I find myself thinking that I got to watch movies on this dreary, rainy night curled up on the couch not in my blankets but in Scott's arms. I can feel him snoring lightly in my ear because even if it was a good movie he would be comfortable and relaxed. I will keep having these quiet reminders. I know they come from him. I often wonder if he is like Bruce Willis in Signs but then I know he is surrounded by so much light and love that he knows the truth. He is here because I need him and he loves me.

Now maybe I need to go check out the Netflix list and send myself some lighthearted musical comedies from the bygone years. Who wouldn't find a smile with Bing, Fred, Ginger, Gene, Doris, Debbie and oh so many more. I wish they made movies like those still. A little M. Night Shyamalan is okay and yes Pirates of the Caribbean is always good but I like the pep me up froth of Singing in the Rain. Oh what a glorious feeling cuddling and a movie.

Press Pause

"Love is the heartbeat of all life" - Paramahansa Yogananda

"The love we lavished on the one who is gone continues to move toward that person. But in our sorrow love seems to extend itself, and in tenderhearted compassion we recognize how bound together we are are - life to life, fragment to fragment, love to love." - Martha Whitmore Hickman

So as I come home today from work where I'm supported by the love of a friend I find myself alone. I curl up into my jammies and spend some quality time lounging on the couch in front of the TV. The lights on the tree are shining and I feel the love beaming from the twinkles. I like my quiet time. I miss Hannah too. I'm glad that I have gotten this far but really did I have to be here. I'd rather be lavishing my heart and soul.

I guess I keep moving forward but when I see other people's lives I get stuck sometimes. I get stuck in the sadness of the pain in my heart. Most of the time I'm able to move forward and I know it is okay for me to have times when I'm in pause mode. Just like with the TV - pause the DVR - pause my life for a bit. I'm not sure where I'm going tonight but I am here. I am where I'm supposed to be for the moment. I'm making plans and in 20 days I will get a new adventure. I will have the presence of Scott with me. I have no doubt he isn't ever very far from me. He is waiting and loving us always.

I will get through this week. It was another planned weekend for us. We had scheduled our time with the girls so we had New Year's alone together again this year. We had plans so many plans. Someday I will go back to our spot and I will hold him in my heart. Not yet our place for just the two of us is in my heart. I feel the push from him to go but it is a gentle push not like before where I was to get things done immediately. I will find the path just tonight it stop at the couch again. It's the love from the heart that counts all the year round. I have that love forever to infinity and beyond. Scott gave me love that will never be replaced.

Soul Identity

You see we happened to leave a present behind. I got it out to take with us but it didn't make it to the car! When we got home Hannah opened it to find a Buzz holding a Buzz Blanket. There was no tag but we decided we just might know who it was from. We were right. It had arrived the other night when Hannah had her girls Christmas gathering. It was from my friend Angela. I now have a small, medium and large Buzz. I get to choose who I hug to bad they aren't the bedfellow I would like to have (wink). I have amazing people who do care about me in my life.

I've been reading on my Kindle. I'm always reading but this book is called Soul Identity. It is a work of fiction, a mystery novel. The general premise of the story is that souls are here on earth more then once. The corporation keeps a person's possessions that they would like stored until they can be reunited with their soul in a different form. A different version of Buddhism. I have learned a bunch about different practices of religion in my quest for knowledge over the years but I seem to have developed a well rounded belief system. This story is amazing to me. That someone could come to these specific words even in a work of fiction.

I know what Scott and I felt when we met. I know the instant fulfilment we both talked about at length. The eyes are the window to the soul and the connection we share is magnificent. One of friends wrote today in her facebook status that there is one soulmate for each of us on Earth. Some are lucky to find theirs. I know I was lucky to share that intense feeling that defies words. I'm struggling with missing looking into his eyes and seeing the love we felt for each other. I see his smile in photos all over our house and feel him looking at me. There is a culture out there that believes photos steal your soul. I don't recall which culture but I know I see Scott's soul in the love in his eyes for me. I know it wasn't stolen but captured for memories to continue.

That love and our memories are here for me to start each day. Each night the childhood prayer goes through my head, "Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take." I know it isn't my time but I will be ready when it happens. I'm at peace and I don't feel as if I have any personal goals to obtain other then to be here for my daughter. For some reason Scott and I were only allowed to be together briefly but it really was as if we knew each other forever. Maybe I need a pilgrimage, like Eat, Pray, Love to find myself.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas. Today was quiet but I was joined by Hannah, my parents, Mike and Pamela. My niece called and we talked to her a bit. It is funny because she is the only I know who just asks or says point blank stuff about Scott. She asked me if we had seen Laynie and how she was doing! Then she asked what I got for Christmas and she said that would have been for Uncle Scott! I was surrounded by love just a different kind.

My beautiful daughter had my friend Rhonda buy a giant stuffed Buzz at the grocery store. She got it in the house and wrapped. I got a beautiful Precious Moments statue that I specifically requested. It is two angels hugging that says "Love is Always With Us." I brings tears to my eyes because that is correct. It will now sit next to the bestest of my collection that I received last year from Scott, A bride and groom wearing Mickey Ears! That says it all we loved each other forever and the stupid castle was just a formality.

Hannah is so funny as she was opening gifts she would say thank you Mommy on mine. It wasn't Mom or Mother! I think she had a very good Christmas considering how my year has been. She is my reason for being. That is for me what Christmas is about. The teachings of Christmas are more then celebrating a birth but about the teachings in the stories. Love, family and sharing. That is the basics of life here on earth. We need to celebrate those things. I choose to give it isn't about the gifts themselves but the love and thought I pour my heart into. Each gift I give is about love. If I make a scrapbook or pick out just the right shirt it is about love. You can't buy love but you can make a person know that you really were thinking about them when you gave them a gift.

I survived. I'm sad and quiet. I napped because I was mentally and physically worn out. I hide for most of the day but apparently because I was within sight of others then I was good. It doesn't stop the loneliness but I guess I survived. Hannah and I are sitting here in the office at Mom's. She is laying on her blow up bed and I'm at the desk. We each have computers going but we are interacting. She is my lifeline. I hope by the time she goes to college I can have some path of existence that is less painful. I keep trying to live forward and find my way to whatever that is. I know how to take care of myself. I'm okay being alone but the magic of love is just so hard to be without. Scott is here because we love each other but I wish it was like before!

Merry Christmas to each of you. It is possible to feel the love of you all even without seeing your beautiful faces and magnificent hearts. I hope you all enjoyed the gifts of family, sharing and love on this day and each day as we all live forward.

Christmas Eve Magic

It's Christmas Eve! Do you think Santa will bring me what I want? I don't think so. I think I hide my cynicism really well for the most part! I've learned to accept the disappointments and not let them show. My heart is forever broken. I think you all know that but what you don't know is that I have no expectations from anyone but myself. Scott and I love each other no matter what. That was always the way it was with us. We had lots of things that happened but it was always "I love you but this isn't working." Our love wasn't contingent on everything else working.

Tonight we traveled to Mom's. We all went to Mass in a church sitting High on the top of the Mountain overlooking the lake. The Church was built so you could see for miles to the west. I sat looking out the window at all the Christmas lights below. We are to the right of the alter on the side. In front of me is a Christmas tree and as I was thinking where are you please be here with me now about six or seven lights on my side of the tree blinked off. After a few minutes of prayer they blinked back on and never went off again. As we are going up the hill the street right before the Church was Scott drive and as we are leaving there was a statue and on the plaque it says "Fr. Bob Scott" I never doubt I just ask and receive. I mentioned the lights on the tree to Hannah and she said yes she saw that happen too!

So I guess in a way my Christmas wish did come true. He is here with me. He always knows when I need him the most. I didn't cry to very hard in mass but the homily was about traditions of Christmas and Fr talked about the carols and what they mean to him. Amazing because carols are my favorite and I have struggled with them this season. I cry the most at "I'll be home for Christmas if only in my dreams!" Tonight was better they only performed my favorite carol but not Scott's! The last time we went to Christmas Mass together they did his favorite and not mine! He is here with me. He will always be with me. Love is the answer to all that is wrong in the world. I know this to be the truth because all that is preached in church is about the Light and Love of God.

On this eve of Christmas reach out and love someone without conditions or expectations. Find the love in your heart that we all deserve to feel. I feel the love I just miss the touch. Merry Christmas.

Others Dreams

Others dreams. This morning as I was sitting at work Rhonda told me she had a crazy or strange dream last night or was it really one with a message. She wasn't sure but she really was. She told me she dreamed that we were going to a football game at Cowboy's Stadium (imagine that!) but when we got there the parking lot was empty and it was silent. We went to the door and it was open but once inside there wasn't anyone in sight. She then told me we headed to where we knew we wanted to sit. The stadium was quiet but down on the field there were players practicing. No sound. As we walked to our seats Scott and her mother were watching the players. They turned and waved to us and slowly faded away. I started yelling don't go I need to tell you but they faded away. Rhonda said she woke up crying.

Rhonda and I were both crying as she told me her dream. The crazy thing is I can picture it as if I were right there with her. I never met her mom and Rhonda never met Scott. Later in the day I had a sudden out of the blue question for Rhonda - "Did your Mom like football?" She told me are you kidding she was a diehard Cowboys fan. They really are hanging out together with us. They really are here with us. How can they not be?

I'm not the only one who receives messages. There are reasons for these visits. The world isn't all what we think it is. There are so many things that happen. So much in this world that doesn't mean anything but love. I have the love of so many around me and the love and light from God and Scott. I am getting through each day one step at a time. I don't know how and most days I don't even want to try but I still do.

What Day Is It?

What is today? I have lost track. Work is super busy and I have to tell you I'm getting good jobs for me and my team left and right. This was a positive move for me and I think Scott knew that. He knew I should have a place that needed my knowledge. I'm glad I have this place to be something besides lonely. I'm glad I have a place to grow and feel needed.

Life is crazy nuts. The holiday is crazy for me. I don't like it but I have found focus spots that keep me from thinking about my own crap for most of the part. I have my moments but I do tuck my feelings inside to deal with in my own time. It is the only way I can live forward. I do the best I can right now. I just don't like it when I can't control what is going to trigger my brain and the pain in my heart.

I came home today and just collapsed. The fatigue is hitting me hard. My MS symptoms have been back because I bury the emotions but it lets me get through the day. I come home and find a way to keep the panic to a minimum. Thank goodness for meds. I don't know if there will ever be a day that I can live without meds. I don't know if there will ever be a day I can live a life that I like. I'm getting through each day focusing on our daughters. I have to find how to live whatever crap this is for them because I'm not allowed to give up even when I want that. I will get to someday but not today.

Days before Christmas

Tonight my darling daughter had a great friend's gift exchange party at our house. What a better way to immerse myself into something new then a bunch of beautiful, smart, funny 14 and 15 year old girls celebrating with the joy the spirit the holiday should be celebrated! I should just stop here and call Christmas good. It was so much fun watching them.

After the party was over Holly and Hannah were eagerly awaiting their Christmas present from me. You see I found something very special and magical that will be a great time for all three of us. I bought the girls Wicked tickets for March. The tickets are the best - second row from the stage! Yes I can finally see the stage and costumes with my poor vision it will be nice to see all the detail of the costumes. I can find the joy in the beautiful music and I'm sure cry again but it's good. Scott changed my life for the good.

So I can share a special place that Scott and I shared. I can do something with him in my heart and soul. I will be able to enjoy a magical location that we shared more amazing times together both with and without the girls. I love my memories of our times together on the Riverwalk and the Majestic theater. I will make it and now I have another milestone to look forward to at the time we should have been in DisneyWorld with our girls but I will make memories that weren't expected. I'm trying to live forward.

I also received another beautiful magical handmade gift tonight from my friend Angela. She painted the most beautiful ornaments for our tree. Scott's ornament made my eyes fill with tears and down my cheeks. I'm not sure how I'm making it these days before Christmas but I am trying. I'm here and living in the present with the arms of love and light surrounding me. How else can I explain all the support I am receiving. I will live forward one moment at time. I will find a way to get to the place I need to be. The place I know Scott wants me to be. The place Hannah needs me to be. Now if I can just be where I want to be not today but someday.

Presents or Presence

"The present is bad enough when we are hit with fresh grief. But we compound our sorrow by spinning our minds out over all the years and occasions of the future when we will so sorely miss the presence of our loved one." - Martha Whitmore Hickman

I am getting through each day. I'm doing so with the help of so many loving arms. I'm blessed with so many people in my life who are giving to me with open arms. It's the holidays and I'm trying. Today I worked very hard at staying in the moment. I have been blessed with people trying to help me. We had our staff Christmas Party and I have to say how very much these people deserve an afternoon of fun. We did a Chinese Gift Exchange but since we only had 11 people we played all out. It was so much fun. They gave me the nicest gift basket with a few of my favorite things. It was so very yummy. I must say a Pepsi and Mint Oreo Cookies can keep me fed for a few days.

Then when I got home a box had arrived from a great fantabulous handmade paper cake. On the Cake was a Mickey wishing me a Merry Christmas. Then inside each individual cake was a Buzz or Briar Rose (Sleeping Beauty for those non-Disney fans). I had a fresh wave of tears but I got through them. I miss all of the future memories we would have created. I treasure the past with all my heart and I'm trying to enjoy the moments of life in the here and now. Today I made new memories. They are part of my make up of my future.

Tonight I made new memories with my beautiful daughter. We finished the wrapping, ribbons and tagging. Straightened the house for her party tomorrow and added a few more decorations. I'm here in the moment. I feel Scott here with me in the moment. Today I will continue to ask God and Scott to surround me with their light and love, to guide me, protect me and show me the way. I am still living in each day. I am back to my only goal of getting out of bed. Sleep is not very restful and as the commercial says "Christmas is cancelled." I want to try but the world isn't cooperating so I will live in each moment and hope something sinks in.

Spoiled Our Princess

Today was a nice time to get to spend with Laynie and spoil her with dozens of gifts. There is a but in this that it was bittersweet. I know Scott was there with his arms around us. I can say this with complete certainty because each gift was what he told me to pick. There were a couple of things he kept leading me to that I didn't buy. The biggest item was her scrapbook. She looked at it with me but we didn't read the story. She is just as emotional about it as I am but I hope it will give her many years of love and magic.

I could feel him there. It was even more powerful today. It was so funny because I mentioned one of the toys that is still here and Becki immediately said Laynie has been asking about it. It is one of those things that came to me the other day out of the blue that I needed to give to her and she is mentioning it. Nope I know he is with both of us. How could he not be? I have come to firmly believe that Heaven is with those they love the most. He knew what toys she liked to play with or wanted and then for her to mention a toy that is still here. Amazing and magical.

I hope she knows how very much we love her and that we miss her. Seeing her more often would be wonderful but using the scrapbook to share all the memories in my mind and those captured on film will give her love and strength as she grows into a beautiful young lady. She will always be more then just Scott's daughter to me. We both called them our girls and in my heart she has the love from me just as Hannah does.

Now I need to get back to wrapping presents. My thighs are killing me from sitting on the floor working on the scrapbook and wrapping presents. I think I will someday move the TV we bought last Christmas to my scrap room. When I can spend more time in it then just sitting in the doorway using the printer. Reminds me of one of my friends from college. I will work up the courage to continue past my demons. Now if I can find an answer to the dozen lanterns we bought at IKEA for the wedding table decorations I might be able to move a bit further into the office. I'll get an answer when the time is right. It just hasn't been yet, someday but not today.

Scrapbooks are Love

Hanging out. Just hanging out. I realized I haven't eaten much today. But then again I'm not really hungry. It is okay to not eat much. I'm not starving myself but I'm just not really hungy. I also like the days when I don't have to leave the house. I'm not been laying around doing nothing. I have been super busy. I am achieving a hurdle today on my very own. I'm doing this without anyone to hold me up. I've been working on a gift that requires me sharing my memories. I have done three sets of pages and each one completed is done with tears of love.

I love them all. I can only do a few right now but my goal is to slowly add to the neverending story. My thousands of photos and memories are a gift to show how much love was there. I am amazed that I have been able to do this but you see a dream several weeks ago told me what I had to do. Scott was in my dream telling me what to do. It is amazing because this gift has required me to go into the room I've avoided like the plaque. My craft room. I'm also using my Cricut machine. It is another one of those special gifts given to me by Scott. It is one of those items that I looked at thousands of times but would never buy myself. He surprised me for my 40th birthday with this gift.

The last time I used it for any big project was working on our wedding invitations. They are almost done still in the same state they were in on April 4th. I haven't been able to clear those pieces out of my craft room. It is hard to be working on someone and hear in my head our last conversation before he left our house. I told him I couldn't finish our wedding invitations because I was worried about how he was acting. He told me, "It's okay. I love you!" I know that with all my heart. I am taking that love and sharing it. I'm not the only one he loves and I have the abilities to share the love he had for us. It is what he asked me to do in my dream about Christmas. I only hope she can know how much she is loved by her Daddy. I can only hope she knows how much she is still loved by Hannah and I.

Family, Love and Sharing

It is one week until Christmas and I've been a busy little elf. Although I'm jumping from activity to activity and not completing any task fully. I am the super organized stick to a task and have the routines down to keep everything on track and moving along. This year is just day by day. I think I'm getting things done but at this point I can't really tell you what things are done. Oh wait I know my positive note for the day!! I bought and wrapped my gift exchange gift for work. That party is on Monday. I also finished the wrapping of Laynie's gifts that Hannah had started. I also started wrapping Hannah's gifts. No she really doesn't have to wrap her own gifts.

I am also making a very special never-ending gift for Laynie. I started that tonight and I need to finish it tomorrow. I also need to finish my Tagrel secret Santa gift and get it in the mail. I also braved the wilds of Walmart on my own this evening! I am very surprised I came out alive. Crazy people - I was in there for over an hour. I worked very hard not to have a panic attack. I braved the mall and finished Hannah's gift buying. I can't believe all I have done this year. Maybe I'm doing things from auto pilot but some thought has been required. Gift giving is a very personal experience for me. Lots of my heart goes into a gift. I can't just buy something without love. I think that is very true this year. Not a single gift has been purchased without love.

I have so many gifts that have been given to me over the years by some fantastic people. I treasure those gifts but right now I'm fixated on Scott's gifts. Tonight I was looking in my paper cabinet for a sheet of paper when I found a gift I gave Scott several years ago. It wasn't anything big and was something I gave all the people who worked with me but he asked me to hold onto it until we were together. I'd forgotten all about it. It was a tearful moment. I lost my dad when I was 30. I have a present he was to receive that never made it to him. It is still wrapped in the paper from all those years ago. It goes under the tree each year and then packed back up. I think tonight I had the question I've been asking answered. I found the gift for Scott that will join my Dad's gift. They will both continue to always be part of Christmas. Even as the journey to live forward continues they are both with me. Different feeling of grief for each one of them but I will never stop loving them. Christmastime is for family, love and sharing. I'm trying to keep that spirit in my heart.

Resting My Weary Head

This morning on my way to work I passed a puppy that had been run over. Standing over him/her licking it was another puppy. He was standing in the middle of the road watching the cars pass. I couldn't stop because of where I was in the traffic but the impact was huge. This puppy looked incredibly sad and lost. He'd lost his brother/sister. He was looking around for someone to help him but he just stood there in the middle of the traffic. I can relate.

Life moves on around me yet here I am still stuck in the middle of the road with the cars zooming past. I'm living but it is very exhausting at times. I went to counseling this afternoon. I didn't go back to work because I was so exhausted. I took the rest of the afternoon off and did something I rarely do. I took a nap without the aid of any sleep medication. I slept hard with really deep dreams. I must have needed to work through some issues in my heart because these dreams were so powerful.

I still wonder if life wouldn't be easier if we had rules for grief and morning. Victorian times they had mourning times so that others recognized the loss and they helped each other. I know grief doesn't follow time frames. I know this journey is different for each person but sometimes it would be nice to not have to repeat this tradegic story. I know it has made it easier to say. It is called desentization but really it may allow me to tell the story without crying but it doesn't stop the pain that rips through my heart.

As I sit here watching Hannah wrap Laynie's gifts and I see the paper leftover from Scott's gifts last year. We wrapped every single gift that was his in Buzz Lightyear/Toy Story paper. He loved picking up the packages from under the tree and commenting on how many he had. Now I sit looking at the paper and it is just something else I have to work through. I'm doing it but today I had to shut it all out for a bit. I shut the world out for a bit. It's okay I love you keeps replaying in my head. I know he loves me and I know I will get through this year of firsts without him. I will learn what all that means. When you are a baby all your firsts are documented by your parents. It is all meaningful to them but you don't know any different. This year of firsts is meaningful to me but I do know the differnce. I would go backwards in a heartbeat. Instead I took a break and rebuilt my energy supplies. I will do it.

I will survive. I will make it to the end of this year of crappy firsts. I can do this because I'm stronger then what I feel sometimes. We are all stronger then what we feel! Mortality sucks for those of us left behind!

Bouncing Bases

Today was the final grief support group meeting for this time around. We have covered all the grief bases. The only thing with grief is that it doesn't run with the rules in any order. It keeps bouncing around and you just never know where it's going to land. Today's topic was acceptance. Acceptance doesn't mean that I'm okay with everything that happens. It means that I know Scott's physical death happened and my life is forever changed. I don't have to like it but I do have to keep taking the steps to live forward.

I grieve all the time. I put my needs out there. I've learned how to be alone. What I'm struggling with are the traditions old and new that are so foreign to me now. Starting new ones right now isn't an option for me. I'm back to living each day at a time. I am doing so much better then I was but this time of the year was very special for me even before Scott. With Scott in our lives it became even more magical. The holidays for me are about love, family and sharing. That is the true meaning when you sort through all the different beliefs out there. I'm learning how to make it through each step but sometimes there are spots in my life that I just need to be cared for. I'm the organizer, planner and the one who makes sure everyone knows they are wanted and loved. Not just at the holidays but all year. Scott was that person for me. We understood each other and now I have to learn how to live forward without his physical presence. Trust me he is still reaching out to me but in different ways.

It is very hard to instantly lose someone who was so affectionate. We were always hugging and kissing. Hannah taught Laynie how to say "gross, get a room!" but then Hannah would smile and laugh. Do you even know how isolating it is not to have that physical contact? I got a hug from our dentist yesterday! He hugged me tight and told me to call if we needed anything. He is a member of our church and has been our family dentist for 14 years. It sunk in after that hug how much I miss Scott's everyday love. Those memories are there but I miss the touch. Pillows length ways in the bed give me something to hug but it is lonely. I miss Scott. I do accept that he gone. I'm okay with the alone times in my house. I don't like it but I've accepted it.

I will continue to make it through the variety of grief bases and I've learned how to step back from life and regroup but there continue to be times where the pain is heavier then others. I don't think I'm doing too bad with myself. Hannah was at church stuff tonight so I ran errands. My positive note for the day was going to Wal-mart and actually being in the store for 30 minutes without anyone with me! I don't sit and cry all the time. I have people who see me everyday that keep telling me how proud they are of me. Right now I have given myself permission to not take care of anyone but Laynie, Hannah and myself. Whatever else happens will just be extra. I'm given today and I try to make the most out of it. Someday I will look back at who I am right now and know I made it further then I ever thought I would. I know this because I'm different then I was six months ago!

I'm not good enough...

Do you know how hard it is to tell someone exactly what you want to do for Christmas, ask them to take care of it because you can't and then have tell you that you really don't need to be around your own daughter for Christmas because it would be too upsetting for her? I did exactly what my counselor told me to do! I haven't been able to get Mike to hear me so my assignment was to tell my mother exactly what I felt I needed and have her talk to him to coordinate schedules so I could be where I think I need to be - with my daughter. I give up. Christmas just isn't happening for me I guess.

I can't talk about it without crying. I tell two people that I need to be with Hannah but I need to be in a space where if I become overwhelmed I can step aside and just be alone. I don't know what else to do. I guess I will just take care of myself like always. I know I am the only one who has control of me. I'm not asking for a forever but a day or weekend. Just like my great friends did for me six months ago on my wedding weekend. They took me by the hand and took care of me. When I needed to cry they held me and let me cry.

So I guess my family feels my daughter needs to be with her dad and stepmom without me around. My own mother believes that I'm just to horrible to be around for my daughter. That my sadness to be on my own. I can't even talk about Christmas without crying. I'm doing really well to get through each day until then. It will happen. I have done things I didn't know I had the strength to do, the tree is up with our special decorations, Scott and Laynie's stockings are on the fireplace mantle with Hannah and mine, gifts are bought with a few more left to do. Today I offered to make some Mickey heads for a friend. That means I have to open my Scrapbook room and use it. Not just walk in get something out and leave.

I've promised not to give up on life. I've gotten through so many days I feel like giving up. This just makes me want to buy a ticket to wherever and disappear for a few days. Just be alone without telling anyone where I am. The problem is I'm not a mean or self-centered person but really Southwest.com is calling my name as is some fancy hotel somewhere to be determined. Oh where do I want to see!

Scott's Socks!

"Dead and gone though they may be, as we come to understand then in new ways, it is as though they come to understand us - and through them we come to understand ourselves- in new ways too." - Frederick Buechner

This is from my grief meditation book! Imagine that. I'm faithful in reading it but I don't always have a comment. This passage was very profound for me. The author goes on to speak about we think of our immediate relationship as ended but we know we will continue to remember and grieve.

"But as we dwell in memory on our experiences with the one who is phsically gone, his or her psychic presence, rather than being confined to the body knew and loved, seems somehow to expand and surround us with its gentle understanding, its compassion and love."

I feel that all the time. I'm glad that I have been so open to this spiritual possibility. I do believe I have been able to open myself up to conversations that happen without words. I describe them but I'm not sure I always do them justice. The magnitude of the impact of these seemingly random events are filled with so much love. I have learned in my "new world" that I don't think for granted. I appreciate each day that I have and I treasure each memory.

I've been thinking a lot about all of Scott's favorite things. I've been keeping a tally in my head. You know the general ones, color, sports teams, those kinds of things but it's the random ones that have come up for me lately. It happened very strongly last week when I experienced being shoved head on into the Christmas Lights Spectacle in Highland Park. The seemingly random songs playing on the radio. Generally I have been able to listen to the Holiday Pops channel in the car because it is mainly instrumental. I know most of the words anyway but if I don't hear them I can control the tears. Sometimes the station will have a lineup with words from a choir. Last week as I'm driving around searching I hear first my favorite Christmas song and then right after his favorite song. My song and his song together. I choose to think the event wasn't random. I was supposed to put the pieces together.

There isn't a person that Scott didn't meet who doesn't know his favorite color or favorite sports teams but the details of even narrower favorites like Christmas songs make me smile and know how special our relationship still is to both of us. The one that makes me laugh is the random favorite of how he put his socks on everyday. I can still see him doing his little routine. I won't share because he would find someway to torture me forever! But I get to laugh. So if you come upon me smiling randomly and chuckling to myself I just may be picturing Scott and his socks. And because I don't get to touch the physical Scott, I will settle for wearing his long sleeve shirt and feeling his hug that way.

Living Force of Hope

"When everything is dark, when we are surrounded by despairing voices, when we do not see any exits, then we can find salvation in a remembered love, a love which is not simply a recollection of a bygone past but a living force which sustains us in the present. Through memory, love transcends the limits of time and offers hope at any moment of our lives." -Henri Nouwen

This statement is so very true. Those memories get me through the darkest moments of my time alone. I have hope because I know Scott is here in my heart. That love will always be there for me. I've been working on Laynie's Christmas gifts. It is just so very hard doing all these things we did together last year. Christmas wasn't perfect but we tried. Scott and I both believed our girls shouldn't have to suffer because their parents couldn't make it work. With that said, Christmas is about love and sharing and that magic belongs to the girls. We invited everyone that mattered to Christmas at our home. It wasn't easy but we tried. Everything didn't go as planned but it was for the girls so we did the best we could with the personalities involved.

The girls got to have Christmas with both sets of their parents. We didn't know it at the time but that was the last time for that to happen. Laynie will never have Scott again. I do know that I'm not the only one who suffers. Therefore I think it is my responsibility to help Laynie know all the memories I carry in my heart of the love Scott has for all three of us. We did so many things together as a family. We worked very hard to make magical memories for the girls. We had so many plans to continue to make those memories for the girls.

Christmas is about light and love. Christmas is about more then gifts and buying things. We all need to take the time to create memories. Leave your comfort zone and give with all of your heart. Make a difference to someone. Laynie is my daughter in my heart. The love I have for Scott is there along with the love I have for Laynie. We were a family and it is so hard feeling as if I've lost them both some days. I want Laynie to know Hannah and I are here to help her forever know the love of Daddy and make those memories have a life of their own. The love I have for Scott, Hannah and Laynie make me find the hope to make this daily journey.

Marching Along

Today I met a woman who lost her husband 20 years ago. I don't want to be like her. She was very nice but sad and bitter. She talked of other women friends that has lost spouses that remarried and she didn't think that was right. She was still holding on to her grief. I don't want to have my grief define the rest of my life.

I want my love for Scott to define me. It is the positive. I'm most usually the positive and that is what I'm trying to continue being. I have to face the grief to keep finding the positive. I have had the choice to make to live forward. It isn't easy most days but I am trying. I don't want to end up like that woman, sad and alone.

I have to keep making it through each day. I do have things to look forward too. They aren't the same without Scott but I try to get there. Today I watched the little Christmas Parade that Hannah marched in. I was amazed that it was 45 minutes long. The wind chill was a bit nippy for my ears but I did smile and laugh. My only moment of tears were watching the vet's office float stop right in front of me being pulled by the White Toyota Tundra. I couldn't help from crying. It was agonizing two minutes. I will have to deal with that panic inducing fear someday. Maybe I just need to buy one to get over the fear. Who knows. I do know I can deal with the fears in each little bit of time where I can tolerate and move forward.

Now that I conquered the Christmas decorations my next step is the actual time itself. I will make it. I want to keep finding peace. I have to take it one step at a time. Just as today. The last time I watched the HS band march in a parade was sitting on Main Street in the Magic Kingdom with Scott. I keep telling myself of all the memories that are embedded in my head is the foundation of the love we share. That love will get me to a point in my life that I'm happy. I don't know the exact destination but I won't have to be bitter, sad and alone. I have to say the band was really adorable in their Santa Hats marching down the street but I was certainly fondest of my beautiful Santa Mickey girl. She keeps me headed in the right direction. The Christmas season is about my love for her and so many others. That is what will help me make it to the next step.

Decking the Halls

The house has a dressing of Christmas. It isn't the normal Christmas but then again my life isn't normal. Tonight Hannah and my friends, Rhonda and Holly came over and helped us get through the process of the next step in our journey. I know Hannah has been through so much too but the hardest thing for her has been watching me struggle with life.

Hannah cleaned the house before they arrived and decided that we could get the tree Scott bought me out. It is the smaller of my two trees and the only one that is up. As she was bringing in the pieces of the tree, I pulled out the rubbermaid boxes of the rest of the stuff. I opened the first box that holds the wreaths that normally adorned the windows on the front of the house and immediately begin crying. If the floor in the garage was clean I do believe I'd still be sitting there. Remembering putting the new bows on the wreaths last year. Remembering Scott sliding down the ladder landing on me when we hung lights last year. Then all of the sudden the boxes which were stacked neatly behind me fell over. I got the message!

About then the doorbell rang and Santa's Helpers arrived. My heart was lighter having them here. I needed the help. They flewffed the tree and were amazed at the amount of Christmas ornaments I have. Yes I do have enough to fill two very large trees. I have always loved Christmas and really would leave it all up year round if I could.

We slowly put things up and I had tears. Lots of tears over very special memories that I needed to explore. I sat in front of the tree with Scott last year after the girls had gone to bed, hanging the last of the Hallmark Disney ornaments. He sat on the floor with me when were done holding me and promising me so much. I struggle with the promises we had for each other. I know he is still here. He is trying so very hard to make sure I know he is here and loves me to infinity and beyond.

Each step of decking the halls held memories and tears. I was able to make it through the private journey with love surrounding me of three people holding me together. I hung Scott's Buzz stocking from the fireplace mantel with great tears being held back. I hung Laynie's stocking there too. She is missed just as much as he is in our life. Scott was here with me tonight. I could feel him. I did the next step just as he wants me to do. He wants me to be happy. I just don't like this life. I'm not happy but I'm trying to make the motions to face this journey head on.

Thank you for my true Christmas gift tonight, Hannah, Rhonda, Holly and Scott. Love is the best gift in the world. There can never be too much given and that is true meaning of the Spirit of the Season.

Holiday Red

I'm really tired and worn out today. I was in productive meetings today and then headed home. I made a stop for as a friend's daughter says, "a delicates purchase." Now if you knew Scott we can safely say he enjoyed well endowed woman, namely me (big grin) but I also know I wasn't the first woman in his life. The last time I made the purchase Scott was with me. He waited "patiently" for me to finish. He was mad because they didn't let him go to the dressing room. He wanted to voice his opinion. So today I made the stop for my Oprah measuring at Nordstrom's. When you live in the sticks that once a year trip to the fancy store makes me feel like I'm from the Beverly Hillbillies.

As I waiting to be assisted I found, easily, my usual comfortable unmentionable. On the same rack was a new color - brilliant bright red. At that exact time the music overhead started playing "I'm still here holding on. I will never leave you!" Do you think it is possible to imagine this stuff. I don't see how. I'm living it. The kid in the candy store in the lingerie department at Nordstrom's was Scott. I'm sure there are other men that run from that I know Scott's choice was to dive right in making suggestions. This was another chore for me. I was long overdue for the purchases but we all know what happened in April that changed the way I live.

I can only tell you that I smiled with tears in my eyes feeling his love surrounding me. I could hear his whispers in my heart of the many private conversations we have had over these shopping adventures. I made it happen just like the rest of my life for now. I will make it one step at a time. I won't tell you if I ventured to a new color of holiday red but if Scott were alive I think that purchase would have been a private Christmas gift. But I won't ever have that joy again, the thoughts of what his smile would have been were priceless for me. I had the time with him that created my ability to know exactly what he would have said to me. I also know that song at that exact moment was not an accident. I do miss being part of the couple. We really were one love that shared two bodies. I will be on a new journey but I am who I am because of the love Scott and I share. Just because he has passed on doesn't end that love and if a red delicate makes me remember a loving moment then I did the right step today.

Surrounded by light and love

Today started out very rough. I still don't know whether to treat Christmas like any other Saturday or fill it with others. I'm really okay with just spending the day alone and not worrying about anyone else. If other people are around I feel huge amounts of guilt for not making it a day that they enjoy. I hate that being the widow makes people feel like they have to walk around on eggshells. I do need TLC. I'm not saying I don't. What I really need is to come home to the Christmas elves but then if then it might just stay up for two years without coming down! Is there anything wrong with that either?

I'm full of pain but I'm having a hard time convincing others that I can be taken care of in the bad days but also I'm good at telling you when I need more or to back off. Just ask Betsy she'll tell you what I mean. I have promised I will never actually do anything to cause myself harm. Now close your eyes if you don't want to be shocked right now. I can tell you I think of different ways my future passing may happen! I blame it on TV crime shows. I won't actually do anything but South Oak Cliff at night... Yeah right I was scared enough in the daytime going to the Texas Fairgrounds like I'm gonna hang out at night there! We are all taught to protect ourselves if we are attacked and how to fight back. I don't know if I could say fight or flight would kick in. I have to believe it would but I'm not going to intentionally put myself in harms way!!!! I have made that promise.

I had to go to Dallas for a meeting for work. We had our Program Director Christmas Party and I was following the destructions just fine but I missed the easiest turn. I even looked right at it as I was driving by. I went to turn around and somehow I got all out of directional alignment. That is very unusual for me. I believe that Scott decided I needed an extra large does of Christmas lights. The ones at home just weren't doing the trick. I ended up driving around Highland Park area in Dallas. High faluting homes of the rich and famous Dallas socialites. They hire people to put out these lights. They offer carriage rides through the neighborhoods for romantic light tours. The only lights I've ever seen that beat these are the ones on The Plaza in Kansas City and maybe some of the lights in Disney World.

I love Christmas just ask anyone who knows me how much! This year not so much. I can't stop crying and it is getting worse as the holidays get closer. Yes I know I've earned a free pass to do only what I want this year but somehow I feel Scott pushing me to keep going. I hope that makes sense. He would always grumble, good naturly at me about my Christmas fetish but he got right in and joined the fun. I have to explain more of the magic of Christmas lights though. Last year we hung the lights, just the two of us, to surpise the girls. While we were hanging the lights Scott managed to slide down the ladder that I was holding for him. Yes he landed on me. No we didn't fight and for a bit I thought one of us was broken and it wasn't me! Those lights were magical because they were hung with love. I don't think there was ever anything he did for me that wasn't with all the love he could demonstrate. I wasn't always willing to listen but I would tell him, "I can't handle... but I love you."

Christmas is about love and light and a journey that begins. Each day I ask for God and Scott to surround me with their light and love. I'm trying to recognize those moments because they do happen. However tonight was a literal meaning. Yes Scott I see you have surrounded me with light. Now I'm trying to take one more step forward through this journey of healing. Just please all I ask is that you keep holding me and guiding me. I do see the light. I'm just stuggling with the steps at the moment.

Lights for the Holiday

Tonight we had a bit of time to kill between the HEB and taking Hannah to Young Life. We ended up driving around looking at lights with the Christmas Pops playing on the radio. Rough and not as enjoyable as last year. We drove around as a family several times but the one I remember most was after picking Hannah up from church but before we dropped Laynie off at her Mom's house. Scott and I held hands and Laynie described all the lights she saw. Hannah helped point them out to her and it was all like the world was brand new for her. We had so much fun and we talked about the lights we wanted to do next year from looking at others lights. Nope my heart isn't in something I love to do this year but I tried. I'm really trying to get there.

In the grocery store we went down the cereal/candy aisle. It is funny that candy and cereal are paired together but aren't they for the most part the same ingredients? Scott loved bringing home boxes of cereal, strange cereals! I have an almost full box of chocolate cheerios in the pantry. Someday I may decide to throw it out! As I'm standing looking for the cereal I'm craving, one of our favorites, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, when I look to the candy. Up on the top shelf was a huge, giant plastic container of Banana Laffy Taffy. How many people would eat only the Banana? Scott! He would pick all the banana out of the Halloween candy bag of Laffy Taffy. I'm standing there in the aisle with tears in my eyes. Hannah looks at me and says what is wrong. I tell her I found the perfect gift! She wrinkles her nose and I hear yuck. I tell her it would have been the perfect gift for Scott. I love finding crazy things like that for presents that show someone that I really do know them and love them enough to remember funny little things in gifts.

So I'm not ready for decorations in my house but I still wish I had an army of Santa's elves that show up and took care of me. That were able to give me a little piece of the meaning of Christmas. My heart hurts to much to try on my own. Free Pass, that's what I keep telling myself. At times though I feel him telling me to do the things we loved to do together. I've made so many steps. I'm not just sitting still and letting myself fade away to nothing even on the days I'd like to try. Listening to John Mellencamp sing, "save your time for living... cast your eyes up to Heaven... try not to be judgemental so others will not judge you... could it be there is nothing more at all? Save some time for your family and yourself" Yes the music does it's magic once again when I least expect it! I rarely watch Letterman but WOW! I think I found a new CD I have to buy - John Mellancamp "No Better Than This"

Forever Darling

The time, oh the time, it travels fast and slow. My heart feels like it was yesterday and my calendar tells me it has been eight months since he told me "Its okay, I LOVE YOU!" I did believe those words when he left the house. That is how he got out of here. I don't believe all of them anymore. I know he loves me but It's not OKAY! I will never be okay again. I'm forever changed. He changed me.

Today we watched a Lucille Ball and Desi Arnez movie Forever Darling. In it Lucille Ball had a line about loving as husband and wife. That you are great loves, brother/sister, best friends and all the things in between at all times. That really was our life together. I made a pumpkin pie yesterday and I sent the picture on to several people. One of those being Mike. His comment was that I've made them before my relationship with Scott why would that be so hard? Yes I had a life before Scott and Mike was part of that life but how do you explain to the man who is your friend and the father of your child the loneliness and isolation that is some days my entire being. Mike has Pamela and yes we were married before. No my life didn't stop with Scott's death but all the new memories and life we had created were so powerful. We never wanted to ride ourselves of our past but we did love making our own memories together. We so weren't done making those memories but God had other ideas.

I don't get the Forever Darling with him physically but I do get to infinity and beyond for the love we have for each other. My life will continue to step forward. I won't be sad and empty forever but right now it does still feel like yesterday. I'm taking steps to live but just as an infant that didn't just happen in a day. There are so many if onlys surrounding my heart but right along side is all the love I never knew was possible. I love Mike but the love for him is different then my love for Scott and maybe someday there might be someone else to love but if not it's okay because right now I have to just focus on living! Even when I don't want to!

Safe to Pity Party?

Just when I think I can have a pity party all to myself something else happens. Today I made my own Thanksgiving favorites. Lots of food leftover but well I found my own way to comfort myself with just that one tiny plate of food. Hannah will have plenty to eat when she gets home. I may make an exception and eat a bit of leftovers tomorrow. Hannah had regional band tryouts today. She wasn't playing because well as she keeps saying, "I'm just a freshman." She did however volunteer all day helping out. She'll be able to learn from just being surrounded by the music.

While she did that I hung out at the house waiting and waiting and waiting for the Direct TV installer to come upgrade me to DVR service. So he is FOUR hours late. I had time to complete all the cooking, eat, clean up, take a nap, play on facebook, watch two movies and call to find out where he was! So he arrives and tells me that he will be charging me $75 to run a new cable to run my free upgrade because it is on an inside wall. I was furious. I basically told him to take it and leave. He stepped out and came back in after a bit with Direct TV on the phone. I ended up with the credit to my account for the price to install the cable. Then because I know the guy didn't really want to be climbing in my attic at 9 pm at night to put in a cable he proceed to install the newest technology Direct has for my $75. I now have the capability to use the whole house DVR service.

While the guy is installing the service he has to go out to the back to the roof to fix the equipment. He was in and out several times. When we had service before Scott would follow the guy around the house making sure he was doing the job right I guess. I don't know what he thought he could fix because he wasn't very technology savvy. So tonight Direct TV dude would go out the back door or even when I went out the back door. I would make sure it was latched and then suddenly the door would open like he was checking on the guy. He is here. He was making sure that this was right. I finally told him after about the 10th time of the door opening that if he could open it why can't he close up after himself! I think it was more to tell me that he was here doing what he promised. Taking care of me.

So now the house is back to calm. The kitty is meowing and chasing around with Scott but that is nothing new. He does that all the time with her. I know he's here I just wish it was a bit easier to talk to each other. Someday but not today! I am happy knowing he is here with me as in the best way he can be, to infinity and beyond. I don't get to have a pity party tonight my life isn't boring even when I want it to be!

Shopping for Christmas Spirit

Well I actually did something tonight I've been not wanting to do. I shopped. A quick run into Best Buy and then a stop at Bed Bath and Beyond. A little birthday shopping for Scott's niece and Christmas shopping for Laynie and maybe just a bit for Hannah. So I did it and cried all the way home! Yuck, yuck and more yuck. We had so much fun shopping for everyone last year. I remember him standing in the aisle looking at pots and pans with me for his parents and talking about how much they needed them. Then the trip wandering around Sears for Mike's gift looking at the Christmas decorations with Mickey on them. Little did I know he would go back and buy them for me as a present.

I hated shopping tonight but I took care of some business. It feels just like that business. I miss the spirit, the joy and love it used to bring. Now it just feels like a chore. I don't like that it feels like a chore. It was always so special to celebrate the holidays. For the meaning of the season, the love and happiness. I did find a reason that will give two very beautiful young ladies a treat that will give them joy. I'm tired of hearing everything happens for a reason but this is just not so much of something I would offer to anyone. I'm trying to find reasons to have joy for this season.

We can buy anything out there! Why can't I buy what I really want. I would trade any money to have Scott back and have the joy of the season because the reason we celebrate just reminds me of his death. Maybe if he hadn't died on a religious holiday! But those maybes don't get any better answers then the what ifs do. So with that I return to my new Friday Night, a bottle of wine, and old movies. I sure miss following the football team and band around. Alas football season does end. Now can the Christmas season just be gone?

Flirty

Can someone tell me how I make it through each day? This crazy weather has me in a rollercoaster. I finally feel some of my MS symptoms hitting hard. I know how to work them out but geez I'm don't like being sore from head to toe. Tonight I'm thinking of giving a cranky 14 year old of few pieces of my mind! Not good to be in this mood either I guess. I'm from one extreme to the other with my moods. I'm just really glad that tomorrow is Friday and I can do my favorite thing on Saturday - ME TIME!

Today I was working with Rhonda when we got a visit from our Scooter store rep. Did you know I can smile and laugh and flirt? I didn't know that was possible! He left and I looked at Rhonda and told her that felt funny. I don't feel guilty but I didn't have to pretend. Scott was my favorite flirt. Yes you all know it! He charmed the women of all ages but he always was with me. I knew he had a skill to make others feel good about themselves so I don't feel guilty for flirting. I'm not better but hey it was a step.

Now if someone can tell me flirting would make my Christmas tree magically appear I might try it more often. Yeah we all know that's gonna happen. Scott I can just picture him getting whatever he wanted if it had been me to go first. I'm just trying my best to keep my sanity and put one foot in front of the other. One day at a time and yes a nice smile from a cute guy always helps. It's not a cure but it does help!

I Wish I May

I made it home tonight. Does that count for something? Eating not so much fun. I most of the time don't have the energy to really eat. I still try but food is so bluck. When it is just me why bother. Tonight was PB&J. It is so much fun to try to make yourself eat. I have had problems before Scott passed away but now it is just hard to even think about food. He made sure I was eating now no one really notices if I eat chocolate for dinner or for that matter eat at all.

I do eat but not much at a time and I've discovered that my pickiness is bordering on obsessive. Well you know we are all crazy in some way but my psychosis comes out in food and the panic attacks. Maybe that is why I love my cozy little home world where I can hide for bits of quiet. Today I had to talk to a friend of Scott's for the first time. One of those people that had heard but just didn't know what to say to me. I wouldn't know what to say to me! I hate how my world has changed.

I'm miserable on the inside but keeping it together for everyone else. We have this patient room at work where it has a bad feeling to it. A place that you put a patient and they die. Yesterday I wanted to volunteer for my office to be in that room. I have promised that I won't do myself in but you know if that is really the curse of the room I'd take that chance! I have a bad case of depression and yes I'm taking my medicines but well happiness just isn't ever going to be a reality for me. Just when I find it in a depth books are written of, I get my heart ripped out.

Yes my heart is very broken. I'm sorry you have to listen to my horrible sadness tonight. I have tried the things I know that work for my comfort, warm bath, reading, frontierville and now House Hunters. Nothing is working I wish real sleep was possible. I wish I may I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight! I used to love being alive now I'm just going through the motions. That is just how I'm living these days.