Sad Day

Yup today didn't turn out to be the best day but well it was a day. Things don't always happen as you expect and sometimes someone will say something without realizing what a small thought on their own life will do to someone else.

I really only have one thing to say today. Life is nothing without love! That love comes in many forms, friends, family, husbands, wives, lovers, children, parents and the list can keep on going. If you really think you can make it without any of those people then you aren't living life to the fullest.

I'm tired from being so sad this afternoon and hopefully I get a chance to make it right. I am here living forward not because I want to but well there is nothing in my life without love. I lost Scott but my life didn't stop! I've been hurt but it won't stop me from living forward!

If you are reading this you are in my life for a reason. We all have a purpose we just have to live forward to find it!

Lifeforce of God

"God is serious about knowing how it is with us." - Willie S. Teague

"Sometimes in my darkness I can believe I am held in a love which supports all creation. Not always, but sometimes." - Martha Whitmore Hickman

How very odd that this entry in my daily grief book has the name of the town Scott is buried and his parents live. I have found all my changes over the last ten months have given me a boost in my spiritual awareness. It is not possible to not feel the support across the planes of spirituality. Each of us has our own personal journey to take. We each will have moments in life where we feel the presence of God. I have been given this journey without understanding of where I'm supposed to be but I haven't avoided the journey.

Today I spent time outside looking at the palm trees around the pool. I am amazed at how much they have grown in the past year. It seems so odd that they have continued to grow. It is God's gift to nurture the nature around us. God nurtures us too. I worked in the flower bed for a bit. This is progress for me, to be able to sit on the patio, to see life around me. I feel his arms surrounding me, pushing me to live and find the peace in my soul. I have things I have to look forward too. I have a reason to smile tomorrow. I am finding joy in the small things that make each day possible. I won't be the crazy cat lady. God has a purpose for me and a place I am supposed to be. I continue to ask for guidance and protection as I make my way.

I am not alone, everything is in God's hands and I have the peace in my heart to live forward one step at a time. Sometimes though, I try to rush the steps and move forward too quickly but I know that there has to be something good out there for me again. Now if the darn Hallmark movie would stop with the tearful commercials. I really don't want to be reminded of Valentine's Day but I will survive. I am not so sad anymore and the memories of giant kisses and hugs make it possible to get through each day. It may be possible to be loved again but that is an answer I don't have just yet. Maybe someday not today but I keep living forward!

Peaceful Moments

Well here we are more days they just keep coming and I just keep living through them. My Mom called today. She was very chatty. We talked about Easter and the anniversary of Scott's passing into the arms of the God. They aren't on the same day this year. I think it will most likely never happen again but the two dates are equal in my mind. I am making it but I really don't want to think about those things.

I know Scott wants his life to be celebrated not forever mourned. We used to have this discussion about the cemetary and how it wasn't where we ever wanted each other to make it a habit of visiting if the other passed first. He's not there and it's certainly not a place he is happy about. What joy is there in someplace that seems so morbid.

"Healing is impossible in loneliness; it is the opposite of loneliness. Conviviality is healing. To be healed we must come with all the other creatures to the feast of Creation." -Wendell Berry

Yes you see I know that it is okay that I want to be surrounded with others. It is good that I am learning how to smile, laugh and find joy in conversations with others. I want to be surrounded by my friends. It is funny because this thought has often gone through my head, "I realize I am not a bundle of cheer right now. But I needed to get out and be with people." I have managed to do that. Now I'm ready to not just be there as a body in a crowd. I'm ready to not be sad and find the joy in the moments.

I know I will still be allowed to have to moments when I get to be sad. I know that someone is always there to hold my hand. I know that it isn't the same person always. So many people have held me through my new life while I learn to hold myself upright again. I refuse to allow loneliness to be the way the rest of my life ends. I want to find happiness and joy on this plane. Scott wants nothing less for me. I will find a way to possibly understand April 4 and Easter but I have learned in all of this I don't have to do it right now. I am at peace for the moment and I hope many moments to come!

Grief is Fading

"Feeling better...I also felt a sense of betrayal of my husband, even though I rationally knew that sustained grief could be morbid. Because grief may become a substitute for the dead one, giving up our grief can be the greatest challenge of mourning." - Mary Jane Moffat

I am feeling better. I am not struggling to deal with all the grief. I am ready to try new things and experiences. That doesn't mean that I love Scott less. It will never mean that I have forgotten him. It does mean, however, that I have an understanding of what he truly wants for me; Happiness. He wants me to live my life and love my life.

It will be okay that I am living forward. Scott promised me love and he will never stop loving me. He just gets to meddle whenever he wants. I'm sure he will always love that! Really the radio thing does get a bit old sometimes. I've outsmarted him though, I put it on the classical station. It is all good my heart is happy. The love is there but the grief is fading. I know I will still have moments but I know how to make it.

So my next step is not feeling guilty for feeling happy except I have this new energy that makes sitting on the couch a lot less fun! I haven't watched House Hunters in a month! I haven't watched iCarly in three months. You see I'm gradually getting there. I can give up my grief. I don't have to give up loving Scott! I just happen to know a few secrets that some people never learn. I have to say I'm glad some people never have to learn them because they are truly very lucky. I continue my prayers. They will all be answered. I have faith in that power!

Surprises and Happiness

"I will keep my eyes open. Something surprising and good may happen tomorrow - or the day after." - Martha Whitmore Hickman

I like it when good things happen. I like it when someone brightens my day with a quick phone call. It is good to know I can make someones day too. It really is the little things in life that matter. A smile, a hug, a laugh, they all make my heart feel bigger. This morning was a jumbled madhouse for me. I had a desk full of papers, an out of balance itouch, four people starring at me all at once when my phone rings. I love it when a phone call with a side note tucked in makes all the craziness less chaotic.

I want to know that surprises and happiness really are out there to happen. I'm ready for good things in my life. I'm know that sadness happens but I have learned how to move out of that and feel myself being alive. I know that Scott died but I didn't. I know he wants me to be happy. I know he is in God's light and looking at me with love and pointing me to the happiness. I got off the phone with a dearest friend a bit ago. She laughs and jokes and tells me she knows how happiness is what Scott wants for me. It is okay that the pain in my heart is less. It is okay that I smile most of the day. It is good that I feel alive.

What is not good is that I'm figuring out that I'm tired of my own company. It's not that I don't have great friends around who have helped me through so much but I'm ready to hop a bit out of the nest. I don't know what that means though so I'll be content with a bit of happiness or surprise around the corner. I know that the point of really living my life again is arriving slowly but surely. I know that I love Scott forever. He is my love to infinity and beyond and he waits for me in the beyond but I still have live. I don't get to give up. It's not my time. I don't get to be the 40 something crazy cat lady. My friends won't let me do that! Happiness and surprises will be a nice thing. You know I love a little magic in my life. I must still be on the Disney Magic high, best drug in the world!

Blessed Comfort

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." -Matthew 5:4

"I think these difficult times have helped me to understand better than before how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way and that so many things that one goes around worrying about are of no importance whatsoever." - Isak Dinesen


I've been in a weird mood today. Just sad and I don't know really why. I can't find the words to explain. I've accomplished so much at work and really enjoyed our trip. Today, however, we walked into my favorite burger place and suddenly I was a mess. I've been there before but today was different. Ugg I hate it when I get these moments of panic and anxiety. I am understanding so much.

I have been making it forward. I don't avoid my grief and when moments like these happen I find a way to deal with it. I worked on a project today that needs to be done. I focus on our patients so I can make their lives better. I am a better person because I can help others. It's just sometimes I need a big hug. On the way home tonight I realized I have another darn step to take, another day to face. There will be no roses and tulips for me this year. I'm so glad I'm a photo nut and took pictures of all the beautiful flowers from Scott. I don't know how to deal with all of this sometimes but I just keep trying.

He is here always because he is in my memories and my heart. I am learning how to make it and make room for more of my life to happen. I know I just keep asking for light and love to surround me. I know in this process of mourning there will be comfort from the Higher Power. One of the passages in my reading today was about the ability to share grief because in the lessons I have learned there will be someone else who will follow who needs the guidance. This blog has given me a place to get my mind into an understanding and hopefully provide insight for someone else.

I just really need a big bear hug. I really miss that feeling. I know how odd that sounds but I love how much you can feel in a hug. I love how much Scott was able to give me with one big hug. Oh well I guess I will spend Valentine's Day with my stuffed Buzz this year and the great memories of all the love and maybe hope for a future beyond being the crazy cat woman.

Magical Self-Confidence

I realized today what it is that everyone is seeing that they mistake for happiness. I have my self-confidence back. It took me many years to develop that in myself. I've spent my entire life fighting shyness. Putting myself out there and staying out there means I risk pain. Scott wasn't my self-confidence but he encouraged it. He knew the secrets to keeping my outlook positive when I was down. The moment I lost him I lost my self-confidence in my grief. I've had to fight that he left me. I know he didn't leave me on purpose. It wasn't his choice to go but God needed him and so my self-confidence disappeared.

What you all see in pictures is my trust in myself. I can do this. I am doing this journey of living forward. As my friend Nancy kept telling me this weekend, "You are amazing strong. You are doing the hard stuff!" That is why my self-confidence is back and my smile is sparkly. Other people may have opinions about who I am or where I am in this journey but I'm the only opinion I care about. I have control over my own self-confidence. I can make decisions that are right and I have made decisions that are right. I'm tired tonight. Jet lag is catching up with me so my self-confidence is a bit shaky, I doubt myself sometimes but I can work through those feelings. It is amazing what thousands of dollars worth of grief counseling can do.

I am living forward, trusting in God and being true to myself. Someone recently described me as sweet. I'm not sure what that means. I can say that I try to live my life as a nice person. I have faults and sometimes get cranky and mean but that just makes me feel guilty and I don't do guilt well! I know that I'm not perfect. I don't expect special treatment but I try to treat others with kindness and respect. The kindness and respect others have shown me throughout all of this past almost ten months has been the greatest foundation I could ask for.

I had this discussion with my friend Rhonda today about what being sweet meant. She explained it well! She said it is not a bad thing. She said some people could say it was fake but anyone who spends enough time around you realizes that is you. I started laughing because I know several who would disagree, Hannah being the main one, because I do have a temper. I am still so very different then I was ten months ago. Scott's passing has taught me that in the long run there is nothing in life that can't be fixed except death. It doesn't pay to lose my temper or get angry. I'm trying very hard to use that mindset each day because I know if I am patient all things work themselves out.

I trust in the Magic that is life! I know with each prayer for strength and direction there are answers. I have my self-confidence shining through. I am still not always happy but I know Scott will forever be in my heart. I just know I have room for someone else when the time is right. Only I can answer that question and take the next step in living forward. I also know my self-confidence isn't made or broken by another. It does however get worn on my sleeve at times. So I smile because I know my attitude gives someone else a smile.

Now off to write a letter Disneyland about there less then Magical Cast Member and most importantly the Magical Cast Member - Charlie! I saw him when I was alone a few times and he smiled and waved. He knows how to pass on the Magic in life. It is possible to pass that Magic on outside of Disney too!

Allowing the Magic

Wherever I go, whatever I do, I am still a small town girl. I am very happy with my most of my life. I can't change the things I'm unhappy with so I try my hardest to smile and live forward. I love to travel but it is always so nice to return home, even if I still haven't taken down the Christmas tree. The cats are always happy to see me.

Each time I go and do something it gives me strength to keep growing and learning to be in the moment of my life. It is my life to live and I am the only one who can make me happy. However, this time I have realized that the feeling of someone waiting for you at home can't be replaced. You all know how I feel about travel. Life is nothing if you aren't doing something you enjoy and I want to know that when it is my time to join Scott, Hannah has memories and the knowledge that I love her and will go to the ends of earth for her. Over the past few years, Scott was here waiting if he wasn't with us. We texted, talked and just flat out communicated with thoughts. I miss that feeling of giving love and being loved. In the same breath I can also say I am my own person. I do create my own happiness but geez a hug and kiss when you get home are powerful!

So my life is being lived forward. I don't sit and dwell, not very often, on the memories. They happen to bring smiles and joy to my heart all the time. I am forever different but I will keep growing. I'm not just sitting in the house collecting cats and dust. I'm am refreshed to continue my daily journey. I can be flexible and whatever is to be is where I will be. Betsy keeps saying, "Magic happens when you least expect it and you have to be willing to change your plans." My heart is what matters. I may not be cute, little blonde, skinny girl I was in my twenties but that's just the outside. I stop and inhale the magic in each moment I am alive.

It is going to be okay. I still don't like it but it is okay. I continue to feel God and Scott in each day. The light and love that surrounds me makes my heart lighter and freer to live forward and love all my friends and family. There is a great big beautiful tomorrow out there!

I Can Quote

I'm finally so tired tonight that I can't keep my eyes open much longer. I think I might actually be able to sleep for a change without meds but I'm not even attempting that one. If I fall asleep at the keyboard my blog may be really short tonight. This has been a great weekend and I wish I could do this more often but somehow paying the bills matters too.

After the flying home part tomorrow and then the drive I will return to work with my positive attitude continuing. I just wish I could get all my pieces of my life functioning all at once again. I'm ready to figure out what my next steps are to be. I know if I'm patient all good things will happen. Yes I would like to believe that because of all that I have behind me. I am living forward with strength, courage, light and love. There is no power greater then trusting in God. Therefore, tonight I put my heart in His hands and hope to make even more steps living forward.

Today when we were watching the musical production of Aladdin on stage in California Adventure, Genie is describing how the three wish rules work. At the last one he says, "You may not use your wish to bring back someone from the dead but I here they have an app for that!" Ahh wouldn't that be a strange app! You know there would be a catch there always is! So I try really hard not to wish my life away but to live forward in a new type of happiness. To quote Pocahontas, "just around the river bend!" There has to be more for me in this life besides growing into the sad, lonely old cat lady!

Time for sleep and maybe some answers. I will get there. Scott has my heart forever but somehow it has an endless supply of love to give in all different types and varieties! Just like the different ways Disney can make Magic!

Rollercoaster High

Today has been a busy day. We started out bright and early at 7 am. We were in the park about 15 minutes before nine. Here it is 1 am and I'm still wide awake and my wonderful roomies are out and snoozing softly. I wish I was able to make this much energy come forth all the time but I'm pleased for the enjoyment it has given me today.

The highlight of our day occured after one of our favorite rides no matter where we go! "The Great Potty Ride!" Hannah proudly tells that she had selected the bench the sit upon while several of us made a quick visit when this "suit" cast member stops to talk with them. As I come out of the "ride" he has just asked them what their favorite ride has been. Hannah quickly answers The Matterhorn. He then proceeds to ask us "if we could ride any ride at that moment what would it be?" We can answer that quickly because we are headed to California Screamin to meet some friends. He says, "okay let's go now" and walks at a very fast pace to the larger then life coaster.

Along the way we cross paths with some of our friends in our march. We scoop them up and tell them, "come along don't ask questions, but this is a good thing!" We make it to the ride where Charile let's us add some friends to our Magical gift. One of my friends, Twinks, has this fear of rollercoasters but she somehow manages to convince Charlie to ride with her. As we are waiting for the ride to begin she suddenly starts having doubts once again when I remind her of what she keeps telling me. "We all have to do hard things! Look at the past months for me!" She tells me I'm right and that she needs to try at least once. Her daughter is so excited to ride and she has conquered so many challenges in her young life.

Somehow along the way Charlie hands us four more "magic" fast passes to use at other rides in the park. We started calling them the "golden tickets" and tried to use them but our friends kept droping like flies. This was one of those times when it paid to be flexible and just go with what was happening. In the end Hannah and I rode Screamin three times and Tower of Terror twice. I have been feeling so happy and energetic today and I'm sure the adrenaline junkie that I am was thriving on this magic. At the finale of the day we had one remaining fast pass and no way to use it so now we have a souvenior for our scrapbook and a great picture of Charlie with the original group waiting at the exit of the "Great Potty Ride!"

Prayers are answered daily in the most unexpected ways if you are willing to conquer the hard stuff and stay flexible. I'm getting there but I wouldn't be if it weren't for friends reminding me of the person I truly am. We can make it to a spot that doesn't require the coaster junkie in me and I will stay flexible in what I have to do.

Scott continues to hold me in his arms with God's light and love. He surrounds me with so many to care for me and keep me living forward. I will find those golden tickets and keep the magic open. My heart is still full of love. It didn't die with Scott and his love is still here with me as I travel each day. To infinity and beyond.

Facebook Profile Picture

So if you haven't noticed I did something today that I didn't have a timeline it just felt right. I finally changed my profile photo. I found one of Hannah and I that was taken today that captures the spirit of who I am at this moment in time. I didn't know it could be such a thing but here I am. Learning to live forward one step at a time.

Our first stop today was the beach. It was a beautiful morning and the sky was a bright brillant shade of blue! Hannah stepped her toes in the water and proclaimed it a bit cold! We had quite the hike on the beach but it was fun to feel the wind in my air and the sound of the waves crashing. I hate sand and managed to get very little on me except a bit in my shoes. We have had so much fun being together. It is a healing journey for both Betsy and I.

I borrowed the Garmin GPS thingy from Mike before we left. I had it preprogramed for a few places, our hotel and Disneyland being the main locations. Hannah was able to make it direct us to Huntington Beach but it really doesn't like it when I decide I want to make a stop or a detour! I have taken to calling it Suzy Garmin and my new game is to see how much I can annoy it. Yes like it really is annoyed but she sure does get made when she has to recalculate. Well get used to it baby cause that is my life!

We made a stop at the Crystal Cathedral on our way back from the beach this morning. It was as if I was being guided in that direction. Suzy didn't send us the same way back that we took from the hotel because I had inserted a stop at Target for some necessities. Betsy forgot her toothbrush and I wasn't sharing mine with her . After that stop we passed a sign for the Crystal Cathedral next right. I turned and boy did I make Suzy mad! We weren't there for long but it was very peaceful. Not a single sound of the city, very meditative. We walked around the grounds and peered into the doors of this magnificant place I spent my childhood watching on the television! Outside were these stones in the ground with bible passages engraved. We walked around and I was surround by light and love. My daily prayer continues to be answered.

God has granted me the ability to ask for his love and guidance. I will continue to do so for the rest of my life. I am a very different person yet I am the same. My soul has new meaning and purpose. I will find the continued strength to face things each day as the time is right. Tonight I was forced to face the fireworks at Disneyland, mainly because I didn't know how close some of the show resembles the Magic Kingdom. I cried the tears of love, magic and sadness because I avoided the fireworks in October. I will forever be cradled in Scott's arms laying in a hammock dreaming of our future together in my heart. At the same time I will forever be living a life I didn't wish for but making new wishes to live forward too! I will keep following the light and love! I am not alone in my journey. I can change my profile photo and not lose the memories and love for Scott.

Country Girls Big City

Wow what a day of travel! My tush and back hurt from sitting but the weary travelers have found a place to rest their heads. Yes and we have a view of Disneyland from our 5th floor room! Yes it is really Disney property it just happens to be the back side of ------- wait for it! ------- the parking garage! Hey it's still a view of something Disney.

I've had five people tell me today how happy I look. Who wouldn't be happy with a quick vacation. Each time I travel I find new emotions to attack. You know the game where you put you iPod on shuffle and name the first song that pops up. Well I do believe Scott was at it again. I have a very eclectic collection of music, Disney to Kid Rock! And well up pops a song from Kenny Rogers about being there again and holding you in my arms, then a Martina McBride song and well two hours of this. I have lots of music that Scott never listened to with me on my iPod now because I switched it all out. See that was a chore that you wouldn't think that matters but it does. I cried on the plane but how do I explain how very different it was for me.

I have an acquaintance that is fast becoming a friend. On the plane I was processing all of the changes I have made. He was there before the tragedy as just someone I knew. Three weeks after Scott's passing he stopped by the office for a marketing call and asked me what was wrong. I spilled the story crying the entire the way through. He sat and listened. I have changed from then to now. I'm a very different person. I think the next time I see him I will have to ask that question from his unbiased view of watching someone go through a life changing experience. It is so empowering to make new friends. I have learned you can't have too many of them and age or all the other things don't matter!

So you see this trip is for me too! I will make a difference in my own life so that I may make a difference in my daughter's life and so many other people around me. I ask for continued strength, guidance, light and love. Now keep following along on our new experience! The country girls go to the big city!

Bags of Happiness

I'm ready for more birthday celebration! I'm finally so excited. It has been a slow process but I feel so very alive. There are so many things going on in my life but this is by far the most exciting! Why does it always seem like all of the stuff that has to be done in the world MUST be done before you leave on a vacation. I'm only going to be gone from work for two days!

Tonight I was actually dancing around the kitchen to the music Hannah was playing in the bathroom while she showered. I miss this feeling of alive! It doesn't happen very often but it really has been happening. Scott is still in my heart and my life. Trust me I think he will always be around but I live with that. Someday I will get to the point of living forward to being able to remove pictures from the walls but really it's okay if I don't right now! Who wants empty walls and closets.

I am making new memories. Enjoying time with new friends, old friends and friends who would be mad if I called them old. I write daily because my emotions are now so very different then they were 9.5 months ago. I feel like I'm accomplishing so very much. I have some new things I want to be able to do but waiting on someone else to make a decision. That list Scott and I made all those years ago sitting in our burger place, the Double-R, will get done. And who knew this year I would complete two of those check boxes. My heart is so full of happiness for this week of celebration and all of the other things that are making it worth living forward.

Happiness is in my own hands, it always has been but my heart just hurts a bit less these days and I can see the possibility of a future! I'm so happy my new feelings are happening on the celebration of the birth of my beautiful Hannah! Now lets get those bags packed and find some more happiness!

I Grant You Love

I love birthday celebration week! Yes we celebrate all week. It is the joy of having an only child. Even when we had two we celebrated all week. Hannah had a great day at school and didn't even wear her tiara all day. I wasn't surprised because she hates being the center of attention. Then we had a visitor in the way of a BFF who brought cake and a dinosaur/alligator toy. I love birthday cake. Yum.

We have traditions that I work very hard to honor for her birthday. Yes some people may just say I'm just a control freak but growing up without traditions makes me want Hannah to have memories that last a lifetime. I want her to remember when my life is over that I was always there for her. In a conversation tonight I named each birthday and what gift she received for the last four years! There is nothing more important than sharing a day of magic with your Mommy and Daddy! Mike always tells the story of the night of her birth and her first time to wrap him around her finger.

I love my daughter and hope her life is more then mine has ever been. I wish her much joy and happiness as each year passes. Let this week continue to be magic and joy. She is my greatest gift and the reason for each day. I love you Hannah! Scott is here giving us a big hug just like always squeezing us tight, giving us each a kiss on the cheek wishing you a happy birthday!

Flying High

Today, tomorrow and the rest of this week will be a celebration of life! The life of the most important person I will ever love, my daughter. Fifteen years ago I spent almost 24 hours in labor in the middle of a blizzard. I will never forget driving across town being the only ones on the road to reach the hospital. It took us an hour and Mike kept saying you'd better be in labor. It is still so funny to think that he doubted I didn't know what was happening. The doctor had to walk to the hospital just to be there. I survived and we have the most amazing gift. I love being her Mommy and I know Mike loves being her Daddy.

Children are a treasure that gives you hope and happiness. She deserves all the best the world can give her. I'm so very sorry we have had to live through this but she gives me a reason to live on. Therefore, this week I'm trying to make it a celebration that will make her have some magic after the last year we have had to endure.

She deserves the best because she is the best. I hope she knows that she is loved beyond measure and I will move heaven and earth to make her life precious and joyful.
Let the party begin! We will have a magical journey! Bring on the airplane!

Country Strong

Emotional mess is the best description of me after seeing Country Strong. I wasn't expecting the ending of the movie. I sobbed and sobbed. I haven't cried that hard for a bit. I think I was seeing the movie with the right person. Kris held my hand and I survived. She got it. I drove myself home and pulled into the drive just as Faith and Tim started singing "It's Your Love." I put the car in park and cried that animal cry that hasn't happened since the few weeks after he was gone. He was there talking to me and loving me.

It is okay that I am healing and that his space in my heart is there. He is my love. Always and forever my love. I need to live the life I am in but there are so many events that keep happening that are beyond this plane of what we know as life.

I know I will find my way to peace. I am so very different then I was a year ago or two years ago. Two years ago this weekend we were headed to Kohl's when we looked at each other and said "everyone keeps telling us we are already married and we should just do it formally." We then began the week long search for the perfect ring. Two years ago we decided to make it formal. He should be here but he's not. He should be here for longer then he was but he's not. I am forever changed. I know the meaning of love and that was the best gift he ever gave me. No diamonds, no trip, no electronic gadget will ever replace the love we shared.

So just as Kelly Canton says in the movie "Country Strong," - "Always chose love!" I will always chose love. I know Scott continues to love me and support me. He will continue to surround me, protect me and show me the way. He wants me to be happy and I'm learning how to find that road again. Scott knows the true meaning of Country Strong. He survived so many things in his life to find the happiness and love we share. I can only hope to be as strong as his soul will always be!

Listen with your Heart

Oh this day. This day should have been the way the day kept going all those many months ago. It would have been wonderful to have had the day kept going all rainy, cold and miserable, just like today. It didn't the sun came out and he went outside. I, however, can't control the weather anymore then I could stop that other thing that happened.

I curled up in the bed today and was suddenly napping. I don't nap much. I don't sleep much without meds but today I managed. I had lots of dreams but they weren't the kind I recall. They weren't visits just crazy funny stuff. I like that I did not have a nightmare. I will say that is a minor victory.

"The earth is my sister. I love her daily grace, her silent daring, and how loved I am. How we admire the strength in each other, all that we have lost, all that we have suffered, all that we know. We are stunned by this beauty, and I do not forget, what she is to me, what I am to her." -Susan Griffith

Even this dreary, cold rain makes me feel the love and strength in God's beauty, light and love. I just know that Scott's love continues to be with me. He is here looking over me and guiding me. I know this to be true. The beauty in life that surrounds me makes me know that we all have love in our hearts. God's grace tells us to put aside any perceived differences and reach out to love. We as humans create the strife and drama. We need to take the time to remember that love will solve so many problems, to put aside and listen to our hearts. We all must have faith and trust in God. Listen with your heart you will hear the answers.

I listen with my heart and know Scott is still with me. I know when the time is right for things to happen or be done. In life I will keep living forward listening with my heart. I will share that love I find when I listen with my heart and pay if forward. You are loved by me forever to infinity and beyond.

Wonder, Magic, Dream

Did you know there is magic and wonder in this world beyond what we know? I'm so very grateful for the amazing people, places and things that happen in my life. I love to know that I am loved and cared for in my life. This has been a journey for me that isn't over by any means. I know the road continues ahead twisting and turning. When you drive the roads in western Kansas you can see for miles and miles. That is what I see now all the miles ahead and Oklahoma behind me.

When my Grandmother passed away we drove the miles to Kansas to be there for the funeral. As we crossed into Kansas Scott was amazed by the fields of wheat. We started playing this game. He spotted a tree off into the distance and then we measured how far it was until we made it to that tree. The girls slept in the back and we had so much fun laughing, joking and being there for each other on the never ending road.

I feel the magic that is beyond what we can explain in our concrete brains. This wonder is abstract and gives me so many things to dream and hope for. Someday I will be in a place that all my questions will be answered in a castle that is filled with light and love. So while I'm here on Earth I will find the people who help me with that ongoing feeling. I know love is still here for me because I still have love to give. I'm so happy that I still have the joy and wonder in my heart to share with others. I'm glad I can make someone else's life have a bit of love and life. So with that know I'm reaching out to each of you to return all the love that has been given to me. It will come back. It always does.

Life Is Nothing Without Love

I would give up every possession I have to return Scott into my life. It's not about the stuff, the trips, the house or cars! I would give it all to join him but I don't get that choice. I'm very lucky but also I have worked really hard to have the skills I have to be where I am. My parents don't support me. I've made it on my own since I was 23. Money doesn't make life work. I'm responsible for my own choices and where I am. Scott and I made the choice to be together. We were so very happy. That was true at the very end.

I miss him everyday and today I did something that I haven't been able to do but I knew it was the next step. I picked out a headstone for us that will make sure our girls, grandchildren and beyond will have a place to honor our memories. You see I know that I'm not going to be here forever and I know that my final physical resting place should be next to the other half of my soul. He is as much a part of my life today as he was the day he walked into my house and kissed me.

I have more to accomplish. I'm will do the things as I can continue to handle them. I will continue to live my life as God shows me the way. My life is in God's hands. No amount of money spent can change that day into something that makes me smile. I have grown as a person and know that all the words in the Bible don't mean anything unless your actions match your words. We may not always get along but that doesn't stop me from sharing love and kindness from my heart. So Laynie and Hannah I love you both and hope you know how much Daddy and I will always do for you! You are the top priority in all my decisions as I continue to live forward, I will do what it takes to give you all the memories of love from Scott. Always know that Daddy and I shared this magical secret. Life is nothing without Love.

Blushes

Ahh the middle of the week. I am so looking forward to Friday. I'm not wishing my life away because I am lucky to have each day with my daughter. However, I am looking forward to spending quality time with her someplace new for us together. I love traveling with Hannah. She is so much fun and mature.

We have gone lots of places together just the two of us and with other people. I'm so very glad we have given her so many life experiences. That is the positive that keeps me stepping forward each day. It helps me get to work and look a little bit to the future. I'm not ready to look that far beyond because it will be gone before I know it.

I don't want to be sitting here alone on the couch as the old cat lady four years from now. Scott gave me the joy to interact with others. I can see that change in myself. I really see it at work. Where else can I actually flirt and blush over the scooter dude. It is funny because I am learning that it is very different from Scott. The world stood still and there was never any learning it was as if we knew each other forever. I realized today that if this journey to living again includes dating that it has been almost two decades since I dated. Dating with Scott wasn't really dating. We spent so much time together for so long that we were never dating. It all just moved forward.

So it must be progress to be considering this as part of the process. Scott wants me to be happy. Right now I am finding my way but I do feel more alive as each day moves into another. I will not be jumping out there but I'm processing all of these thoughts. Living forward is a step by step momentum. To infinity and beyond

Can I See You?

Yes it is official I'm tired once again. I work hard and then book appointments to take Hannah too! Yesterday was to better see you with so I guess that makes today better to eat you with. I'm giggling at my own jokes. Can you decipher where we went?

So hopefully someday soon Hannah will be able to smile with nice straight teeth. It keeps me busy and if I'm not busy enough tonight I signed up to be on the committee for the end of the year band banquet. I must say at least they are planning ahead. Usually we get emails three days before and event to assist. So I hope I can help with a cool event for the kids. They work hard all year and deserve some fun.

I'm really ready to have some fun myself. I know my reality has shifted and I'm attempting to shift. I still have many things that I still have to address but they will shift when I'm ready. Do you know how much fun it is to go to the dentist and tell your hygienist that there are times over the last nine months that you don't even bother to get dressed or brush your teeth. Laying in bed on a weekend and going nowhere are sometimes the highlights of my weekends. It's okay because I don't make a habit of it. Sometimes though I do manage to shower and dress but somehow I manage to forget to brush. Who cares nobody to kiss but I will try to remember.

I'm living forward but maybe someday it will have meaning again. I really am tired of living forward without the meaning and purpose. Someday Little Red Riding Hood has to find a way home again.

Who Moved My Sleep?

Ha It works again. Sitting in the eye doctors office and I'm waiting for the appointment to continue I look up and notice her certificates on the wall. Her maiden name was Scott's middle name. Not a real common name! Nope not looking for it stuff just happens.

I am so tired today. I'm not sleeping. That doesn't sound new for nine months I don't sleep. I don't know how to make sleep happen that is sound and restful. I don't know how real sleep possible. I try everything. Hot bath, soothing music, my journal, reading, just laying in bed counting sheep. Nothing works. I get to sleep each night by taking my anti anxiety meds, melatonin, crying while holding a Buzz Lightyear.

I use my mental imagining to try my best and somehow I sleep but it isn't restful. I ask for help and ability to rest, truly rest. You all know that feeling. I used to know that feeling and maybe someday it might happen. I know it is from the nightmare of spending 36 hours looking for him. No I'm not the only one who looked for him. I wouldn't have survived those hours without so many people, so much help. Sometimes I can put it away for a time but it all seems to come rushing back and lately it has been heavier. The frantic and panic. Driving around in the middle of nowhere by myself looking for him when no one else knew he didn't come home. Knowing he wouldn't leave me for anything. Knowing he was supposed to be right home. Knowing just knowing how much we love each other and now I'm stuck. I'm stuck! I'm stuck forever.

This grief rollercoaster is mean and drops the bottom out without warning. I'm dealing with the journey. I keep trying. I just don't know somedays how to make it. I get up exhausted, I work with focus. I achieve because I have other people's need to tend then I return home and hope Hannah and I function through the evening. Now it is time to go to bed and here I am filled with dread. I can fight the meds because but I know that doesn't help. I try meditation and yoga to find peace. I stick to meaningless TV, just ask Hannah how many House Hunters International we have recorded.

I keep trying and maybe someday it will stick or maybe I will get to when it is my time and I don't have to try anymore. I don't get to choose though. I don't know where my expiration date is stamped so I just keep living forward.

Cocoon

Brrr. It is a day like today that makes being alone even harder. Stuck in the house. Hannah is here but well I miss my goofy entertainment. This would be our last weekend of winter break with the girls. But all of the scheduling is easy with just Hannah now. I keep wondering what we would have been doing this weekend. We had plans but they were always flexible. I don't know how to stop being so reflective about the past and missing the future.

I have been so much better about so many things. I just don't like the days where I am so forlorn. I don't know the answer to when it will stop but I know I'm ready to do more. We have a bunch of plans coming up and I keep trying to pack for Alaska but we aren't going there yet. When spring hits again I will have new emotions to deal with but I will also have something to look forward to in the months that follow. It will be great.

I am making new moments in my life sans Scott physically. I am trying to figure out how to move forward. I will know when it is time to take the pictures off the wall and his clothes out of his closet but that just doesn't speak to me yet. I know this is a very personal journey for me and each person has their own timeframe for taking the steps. Just because I sleep with Scott's shirt and know how to keep his smell every present to help me sleep doesn't mean I'm wrong. I am getting there and someday I will understand where I've been. Right now isn't that day. Someday but not today.

Time to wrap up back up in my Princess Aurora blanket followed by my new Buzz blanket. I feel the love of my friends who gave me these big hugs to get me through these cold winter nights snuggled up on my spot on the couch with a movie and my embroidery. When spring arrives I may emerge from my cocoon as a butterfly. There is a book that I gave a friend in college. I must find that little book again. It was a beautiful story about a caterpillar who becomes a butterfly. I know the feeling of the caterpillar at the moment. Someday I hope I can spread my wings and fly again.

Remodeling my life

I'm here once again in my favorite spot. The corner of the couch watching old Doris Day movies! I'm surprised I haven't worn a hole in the couch. Today I was actually thinking about redecorating the kitchen. That's a huge step for me because here I have been happily sitting in the house with the few things we have done and all the ideas we had stuck in my head.

I pulled up google maps the other day and I could see that it was taken when Scott was alive - last winter. I don't think there are spots in my day when he isn't in my head. I never stop thinking about it. It hasn't subsided. I know he is in my heart but I do nothing without thinking about him.

Yesterday I amazed to go to Walmart and go into the door we used to go in all the time. I was in there for over an hour alone! I didn't have a panic attack and I managed to browse. I was in there to go to the pharmacy and a few other things but imagine when the prescription pickup line was 35 people deep. I skipped that and didn't have a problem in the store. I am doing things in life but I know I'm still a long way away from making it through all of this. I know it is okay to have Scott with me in my heart and head. I know it is okay to cry everyday if not more.

I just wish I didn't make others feel bad about how I'm feeling. I don't like being a downer to others. I'm so used to making others feel joy and happiness. Scott was that way too for most people. I know there were a few he liked to torment because I watched him do it. I just want to be able to live again not just going through the motions. I want excitement and joy like before.

It is so funny because I know he is here connecting. Hannah and I returned again to Walmart so I could pick up my meds. As we were leaving one of my favorite channels plays the theme to Lady and the Tramp. He is here with me. It is a private statement that was for me. He surrounds me with his light and love to infinity and beyond. Now I need help painting the kitchen! Any takers :D

Happy Birthday Grams!

What do you do with days that have special memories? You celebrate and remember the person attached to them. Today is Grandma's birthday. She was the person in my life who got me. She knew what my emotions were and could always make me feel better. She is the very first person I have ever watched slip into the arms of God. I miss her all the time. She was such a sweet loving gentle soul. I can only hope to be half the woman she was.

As I sat with my Mom, her brother, his wife and my Aunt at Grandma's bedside holding her hand as she told my Aunt, "It's okay. I love you." That seems to be a common theme in death with people who love you. It really makes me know that at the end of life there has to be something or someone telling you it will all be okay and that love is the answer to all.

I know I have been very blessed in my life with the love of so many people. I still have so many people that love me and I return that love. I can only hope that I will continue to find new people in my life to give the love in my heart. Today at work we were talking about children and just having one child I can't answer about love of many but one of my friends can. She talked about loving each one of her girls completely but each love was different. I know that is how Grandma describe her love for all of her grands. We each have different personalities and positions in life but each one of us knew we were loved by here. We each had our secrets with her and we all knew we were special.

I have to imagine that moving forward in my life and possibly finding another person to share my life will be the same. I love Scott, just as I love Mike but the love for both of them is different. If I find another someday I hope I will be able to explain that love has so many different facets. Just as the light and love of God and our loved ones who have gone before us. It's okay, I love you! Yes life really is okay with love!

The Little Engine

I don't feel like writing tonight. I'm tired and worn out and spent all day trying to make a computer work right. Today overall has been a good day. I'm at peace inside and I know I'm adjusting. I don't like it but I'm adjusting.

"The best way to know God is to love many things." - Vincent VanGogh

I think I'm trying to do that. I will keep trying. So for tonight I will walk quietly in my heart through our memories. I love times of quiet but it isn't so much fun to be alone.

I will make it. I don't always hit the right notes but I will just keep trying. I think I'm done trying tonight the words are stuck. Hard to believe from me but I'm trying to make it to a day where I don't have tears yet. I don't have it yet after 9 months I still cry everyday.

Let's keep trying, Let's keep trying. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can just keep trying.

Email messages

You see I know my life is in each day surrounded by light and love. I got a great gift today. I was checking my email and I get notices for upcoming shows at certain venues from ticketmaster. Today's email was presale notice for Toy Story on Ice. So that wasn't even the biggest part of the message. The show will be playing on the weekend of the anniversary of Scott's death. I see the magic of this because it has answered one of my many questions. It has fulfilled a prayer I say daily.

You see it is at that moment that I continued to know my path is guided by light and love. I showed Rhonda the email and she just said, "Oh MY! I think I would be a bit freaked out by the stuff happening all the time!" I laughed and explained that Scott was always never very far from me. That if I was in the bathtub "relaxing" he was right there with me. He texted me ALL day. I explained he is loving this and finds it funny just because of some of the things that do happen.

I know if I ask for a break he gives it to me but I also know that God does answer prayers. I will continue my daily, hourly, moment to moment prayers. I will find what strength that appears in that spot it hides in my soul. I love my times when messages appear and riddles are solved. I await the ultimate answers without fear and the knowledge that love is the answer to all things and prayer/meditation whatever your choice doesn't just have to occur in church. God and the people we love that have gone with Him are everywhere in everything we do. We have the freedom to choose when, where and how we ask for guidance. Religion gives us the guidance when we have questions.

Take the time tonight and pray from your heart. My spiritual fulfillment is about not what the Church tells me to believe but my understanding of the path I've been given and the lessons I am learning and the growth my soul is given on this journey that I never would have chosen. Scott is here. He is still part of my life's journey and my soul's destiny. I have answers for today and I will continue to ask for guidance. I have the horrible days still but Scott is here for me just as he promised so many times - to infinity and beyond.

Unsolved Mystery!

How do I find answers to messages I receive? I do know I usually figure it out but today it seems a bit odd. I'm a fanatic about my radio being set on certain stations and yesterday Hannah was clicking through them and didn't return one of the settings to the right channel. I flip back and forth between the two settings from set 1 to set 2. This morning I got in the car and flipped to my country station and it wasn't there. It tuned to the Cinemagic station and voila, lots of songs. Now one of those songs was from Flashdance. Interesting but not as difficult as listening to the theme song from An Officer and a Gentleman.

The tears rolled gently down my face all the way to work. Sometimes I wonder if others can see me crying as I'm driving but then I think does it really matter. "Love lift us up..." Meaning another song that I haven't heard since before he passed on. It is one of the songs on his list for us. He is still speaking to me daily. Now back to my dilemma of the Flashdance messages.

I'm working away at my stupid computer that has issues daily and I can hear the resident across the hall tv all day long. Rhonda and I looked at each other because it is always tuned to soap operas or Christian television with God's message. Not today! It was tuned LOUDLY to Flashdance! Rhonda can vouch for me because I then told her about the song in the car. Am I connecting the dots on this one. Nope but if something else happens I will let you know!

I'm making plans for the future. I can get myself up to about six months but anything beyond that I kind of freeze. I'm waiting for 14 days to pass when the most wonderful person and the most important achievement in my life turns 15! She is my light and love on Earth. Her soul must have many years of practice. She just always seems to know when I need her. I'm just sorry she has to grow up in these teen years taking care of me. I feel like a helpless child most days but I'm trying. So I'm off to ponder Flashdance and veg on the couch.

Monday Monday

It's Monday and well it's Monday. It's day 3 of the New Year. I keep busy with work and Hannah. I guess that means I have a routine. I don't like everything I do though. I guess I need to make some changes but what is that going to be. I'm up for suggestions.

Where should I start. The couch is getting worn in my spot but then I think about making a change and I panic. So I guess I will stick to the small steps. The next part of the my small steps is birthday celebration with Hannah. I'm thinking a change of place and a breather will make the next step easier. I'm finding out that I really miss who I was with Scott in my life.

He was silly, funny, loving, a practical joker and heart as big as well Texas. I miss that so much. I'm so boring without him here. Who else would sit on the couch right next to me and send me IM on Facebook when we can see each others screens. Today Rhonda and I were talking about mine and Scott's headstone. It has been something that I know needs to be done. I guess this week I will make it right for the girls to have a place for both our memories to be held in love. Laynie has to do that know. Hannah will not have to worry about all this stuff. I would love to make it so much if this wasn't the case for Laynie but all I can do is give her memories to know how much love Daddy, Hannah and I have for her. The cemetery isn't where Scott is. It is just the final resting place for his body. His body failed him but his soul is magical and his love is powerful. I will remember his love and I will always share that love.

I know what it will say. I now know what it should look like. The final step is to place the order and wait for it to be delivered. My physical body will someday rest with him just as my soul will join his in our castle. Now what to do in the meantime. Small steps someday the transformation will show to me.

Eat, Pray, Love

"We must always be prepared for endless waves of transformations." - Julia Roberts in EAT, PRAY, LOVE

I'm sitting here watching a movie that speaks to me in this time of my life that is complete and total transformation. I'm taking the steps but I'm not always sure I'm in the right direction. It is okay to be in the wrong direction because if the above statement is true then transformations continue endlessly.

So with this time in my I am in the ultimate transformation. What does that mean? I'm still the same person, with the same physical attributes, the same loving heart, the same career, the thing that has changed is my family unit. How do I transform from something that was so ultimately beautiful? When I divorced I knew I was at a point of transformation. This I didn't pick. I'm struggling to accept the changes let alone find a new path.

I wish I could afford to go on a year long journey to find my new self. To find what seems so lost to me. My own very soul seems like it is missing. I have been reflecting so very much over the past nine months. I know the life we shared was so very close. We had very few secrets. We could never lie to each other. I'm lost without my other soul half. This movie is so full of things I need to keep trying to do. He just said "stop trying and surrender?" Just what am I surrendering too? I know he is gone. I am still here but I don't know how to surrender. I have already given up control. I lost control on April 3, 2010 at 8:00pm when I knew he was missing. I can't surrender to the panic because it leads to collapse.

So I will finish watching this movie and attempt to send him light and love and live forward. I will do the work to get through this grief until something changes. It seems to be the only way to continue my transformation.

A New Year

It's the beginning of a New Year! Am I supposed to feel different? I don't it's just another day. I keep thinking about what a resolution I would have if I made one. I won't tell because well I think I'd scare some of you. Each day is just a gradual addition to life. When I was little I liked counting up, actually until 9 months ago I still enjoyed counting up. Now I think I'm just counting down until it is my time. I feel like I'm just floating through life without meaning.

What is my meaning or purpose? I have suffered a major tragedy. I'm not alone. There are millions of people that have suffered but do they have the ongoing thoughts I have about just ticking down the days? What do I have to give that makes a difference in the world? I know I make a difference in Hannah's life but not the way it used to be. Now I have to work really hard to stay focused and in the moment. I have to work really hard to hold back the tears and pain. That's not fair to her. She shouldn't have to grow up with her Mommy feeling this way.

I struggle with sleep. Betsy asked me the other day if sleeping ever gets easier. Right now my answer is still no. I don't sleep without drugs. Last night I had a panic attack before bed. I had to take two of my panic meds. I am in control I don't try to do anything bad to myself. However, the thoughts are always just under the surface. I have so much in my life that Scott would tell me were more important then him. He was right in individual pieces but as a whole he is the missing link that completes my life. He gave me so much in our five years. It doesn't stop the moments I stand in the shower crying, the times I want to hit a brick wall with my fist or just turn inward into my own world.

I'm not sure how this New Year will play out. Just like last year was not the way Scott or I would ever imagine. I hang on to his last words to me and know I was the one who had his heart and dying love. "It's okay! I love you!" I hear it everyday. I know he is here and I know he will guide me and show me the way. He is my strength to get somewhere everyday, even when I don't want to go. I will keep living forward.