Out of Character

Okay so I figured out the answer to my crazy roller coaster of emotions. Yesterday was the last time Scott and I fought. I don't mean the "I'm concerned about you please listen to me conversation!" but the knock down, door slamming, I can't deal with this outside BS anymore fight! I still have all the emotions of all those days. I know I always will but I really want to live! I want to be alive and feel alive. Someone keeps saying to me "What would Scott want you to do?" I can answer that with a thousand percent certainty!

He wants me to live and love and laugh. He doesn't want me hiding. He always told me he was the luckiest man in the world to be with me. You know what I wish I could have told him he was right! I doubt myself and he knew how to push me out there. I know Hannah comes first but really you think I'm nuts talking about this on the anniversary of his death but I think it is time to spread my wings! Whose got ideas. I don't require someone to take care of me but there are benefits to adult relationships that well let's just say a ghost just can't do!

I worked myself out of some really crazy thoughts because those don't do me any good. I have decided Scott doesn't want me to focus on the events of his death but on love, life and laughter. He isn't at the cemetery. I did my best to memorialize his memory. I left space for me but it's not time to use it! I don't need to focus on the bleak and painful! I am here to live. I thought maybe I could disappear and not tell anyone where I'm going but I'm too responsible for that. I will however say a few people know where I'll be and maybe I will share. According to my Mom she told me if I was going somewhere then it had better go on FB so she could keep track of me! No matter how hard I try I can't break my own rules!!

How about this suggestion from a friend! He told me to go have Mexican food where I'm going, have a shot of Tequila and kiss a random guy!! LOL! Made me think of the song "Tequila makes my clothes come off!" Well I'd say that would certainly get me out of character! Scott would have loved that! Oh wait he knew the effects of alcohol on me! Maybe someday I will get my feet wet! LOL! Shh I know TMI!

I am better! I am stronger! I just have moments of relapse and for some reason I needed a kick in the pants last night and a dose of Xanax! I am myself. I have been able to multitask and smile and laugh. I know you all care about me! I, however, need to figure out how to be in a new life and open to new experiences and opportunities! So maybe it is time to conquer my other fear of dating. I don't know the steps to that or admit that it is a lot easier to play it safe and hid in the house and not do anything but dating doesn't mean I have to be in a committed relationship! It does mean that I need to fly a bit. It also doesn't mean that I will ever stop loving Scott. How can you when you know for a fact he will always be here with me, messing with me, pushing the buttons on the TV, changing the music stations on the radio. I have my feet. I am a survivor.

He loves me and to me that means forever happiness not forever misery. He wants me to fly! So he isn't in the cemetery but he is always in my heart! He lifts me up and gives me wings. I ask for it daily and today I received the guidance I needed. There are some amazing people in my life and they know exactly what they give me! I'm not perfect. I make mistakes but I try to keep living forward. I'm not giving up!

Lifehouse

"So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah I miss you

So far away from where you are
I’m standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they’d mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they’d mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here"


I'm not in a good place. I don't know if I can make it. I cried all the way home listening to this music, once again not my choice (thanks Scott!). I put myself to bed and I'm only up because Hannah came home from Church CCE. I was asked today what I'm going to do Monday. I know what I want to do but that would just surround me with a bunch of people so I won't say it. I want those feelings a being okay. I want to be good but I will never be alright. I'm not where I think I'm supposed to be and I'm having trouble trusting myself right now. I want to be that person who can be good in a conversation all the time without thinking of Scott in every sentence. Why does it have to be with just one person? Why can't I have a real life again?

I have no rational thoughts except I'M DONE for today! I'm retreating to my Sleeping Beauty persona! I miss my Prince Buzz to awaken me. I need to understand where I should be because I'm not trying again tonight. Tomorrow is another day!

Turning Left

This week my brain is dysfunctional. My synapes are firing all kinds of ways that aren't normal. I'm having trouble just thinking what I need to do while sitting at my desk. I move papers around really well but don't ask me to mutlti-task because something get screwed up. I can't tell you anything I did today except go to lunch with a few of my friends. Some of them just happen to be part of my staff.

"Someday, all of the sudden you will be able to make a left turn!" Really who knew this discussion could lead to a conversation that I really hate to make left turns. I don't know why! I can't explain it but I don't make left turns unless I'm forced to do so except with a light. This is the funniest reminder because Scott and I had this same discussion the very first time we had lunch together. Over the years he got a huge kick out of this bit of knowledge. Rhonda finds joy in this and now several more people laughed. Yes my friends you now know that I have other issues besides dealing with grief. It's okay I don't mind because it reminds me that it is great to have new memories of an old subject. See I'm learning to make left turns in my life.

I looked up today into laughing eyes and the world was a different color. Maybe there is a time when I can ride the lawn mower or even better go to the grocery store ALONE sooner then I thought! All that over chips/salsa and Mexican food! I felt like living and I felt like I was being protected. I truly enjoyed those feelings all from a table full of people who never met Scott. It is great to have a new life with pieces of the old one woven into it. I am a new person and I'm good with that today.

So with this new knowledge I will wait and see what continues in my life forward. It is going to be good to have memories and love of Scott but living a new life with new people. I am who I am because of my life then and now. I will make it learning to turn left. Just don't ask me to do left turns in the car! Emotions are much easier to make left turns! Surround me with your light and love, guide me, protect me and show me the way!

Rainbow Beads on a Bad Day

I kept it all together until I pulled in the driveway and Hannah unloaded the grocery store items from the car. I sat in the car sobbing. Now I have a nice headache and thnk I can cry for the rest of the night. I have eaten comfort foods; cheese, chocolate and yogurt! I really need a cheeseburger but I didn't stop. I was good. Let me backtrack...

This morning when I was done answering my first thing of the day work emails, trying to get ready for work I got a call to fix the sprinkler system. Not too bad but I really hope Scott makes sure they fix it right this time. I know you think I'm crazy but he's really super strong here right now. Even more wild things have been happening in the house but it's not scary for me. I go to the car and one of my tires seems to have a slow leak! I added some air! I own an air compressor!

I make it to work and I pull into a parking spot and scrape the car next to me. It wasn't a big deal wasn't any different then we've all seen before. I was in a hurry and was planning on telling the person as soon as I saw them. Well she goes nuts and acts like I drove off and wasn't going to tell her. Oh my is all I can say. I went and washed my car before the grocery store and what do you think disappeared!!!! Hardly visible. Really people a scratched car is not like losing your life in an accident. Enough said I move on but let's all call the police when you get your car scratched in a parking lot!

In between all that bit the funniest part was the dropped beads all over my office floor. I loved the rainbow day to lighten the mood. If I would have had time I think I would have sat in the floor and picked them all up one at a time. I wasn't the one to drop the beads but later today I was finding them in all kinds of places. I needed my rainbow today. What I wouldn't do for a Scott hug with that rainbow.

A bit more of the day and it was time to get my shot. I know I made it in time this week because I set my calendar alarm and it reminded me twice to leave work and get stuck like a pin cushion. One of the ladies at the desk noticed my engagement/wedding rings for the first time and asked me if I'd gotten married! Nope just my rings with Scott. I can't take them off! She said, "Good you should never have to take them off even if you do find someone else!" Wow she is right! Now I have more news. My doctor who saves my life all the time is leaving. What am I going to do? This is not good. I hate finding a new doctor! She is part of my life and I trust her completely! I'm cussing in my head but I won't be saying the words.

I made it home, grabbed Hannah and we did our grocery store run. What will I do without my grocery buddy sighing, freezing and complaining next to me as we find the things we need. I may have to buy a restaurant just to eat or hire a chef! Anyone have any recommendations. Single, male chef that might be a good idea !!! We made it home with not much hassle and I sat in the driveway and cried. Over what? I'm not sure. I opened the garage door and I could see a life, a love and meanings that are gone. A box of stuff from his truck that I need to clean out, a Christmas tree exactly where he left it and a lawn mower he bought me. Who cries over a lawn mower?

I need a break from life. I asked a friend today to get me out of the building for lunch sometime this week but I think I need to stay hidden all week or at the very least take an extra dose of my panic meds! Surprisingly in all this I was still smiling on the outside. I'm wilting and crumbling but I will pick myself up off the ground and live again. As I was sitting there in the car the neighbor kitty was sitting on my sunroof. I looked up and saw kitty bobo! I tapped the glass and she started playing with me. I found a playful moment and a way to smile through the tears. Scott wants me to succeed and find happiness. If that has to come in a little moment of rainbow beads or kitty bobos then I'll take the sunshine!

Human Hearts

"When your burden is heaviest, you can always lighten a little some other burden. At the times when you cannot see God, there is still open to you this sacred possibility, to show God; for it is the love and kindness of human hearts through which the divine reality comes home to men whether they name it or not. Let this thought then, stay with you: there may be times when you cannot find help, but there is no time when you cannot give help." - George S. Merriam

I can say that I have truly lived this over the last year. I have the best job in the world and I have the best outlet for keeping it all together. I have worked so hard to figure out how to live, how to love, how to walk into my new self. I can do it because I keep focusing on others. When I bury myself in Hannah's activities or my life around me I know God and Scott are always with me. Cheering me forward to my life.

This next two weeks will find me always surrounded by people who love me and want me to keep living forward. This circle of love will keep me going as I recall without trying the events of the last time Scott held me, hugged me, teased me, kissed me and walked out of my life in human form. I have been having flashes today of the watching them pull his truck out the pond. I will always suffer from PTSD. I am trying to fight, trying to keep my smile and know I am loved.

There are so many people I can lean on this week. I'm not sure what I need. I need someone to hold me up, anticipate and watch me very closely. I need someone who will make me smile, laugh and forget for brief moments of time. I want to live and celebrate a life that was about love! I don't want to grieve. I want to remember all the good times and not the trauma. I want to be me and know I am loved this week. I have made it this far. It isn't my time to be lost. I have a purpose and lives to continue touching. I am open to being loved and supported.

I ask to be surrounded by light and love, protect me, guide me and show me the way. Please help me make it through the trauma memories please remind me of happiness then and now. Help me keep my smile and look towards each day with a plan for the future! I have so much to keep giving to so many people. My life isn't about me, it's about giving to others. So the tears will flow but I know someone is always close with a tissue, a joke or even a flirty smile to give me courage! I may need a manicure though after holding on so tight. Maybe this week I just need to plant things in the yard and watch my birds. I will focus on one moment at a time again. I think it is where I am to keep living forward. I won't let a setback keep me down. I will live forward.

My Perfect Date!

I had the most perfect date tonight. It was just what I needed. No I'm not dating a guy. I spent a wonderful day with my beautiful daughter. We hung out. I did some work while watching her sunbathe, jump into the pool to immediately get out. I was multitasking but I was most importantly relaxing. My mind was not a jumble of interruptions of other people's to do lists. I got to focus on some things I need do for work but can never start because I get interrupted. My job is about juggling other people's priorities with a smile on my face and a get it done attitude. That was Friday for me. I don't mind most of the time, sometimes it is a bit much. I guess that means I am the ultimate politician!

Today was about Hannah and I (with a bit of work thrown in that she didn't see)! She is my world and my life and I will never have it any other way. We were together and we decided we needed our own date night after spending a day by the pool. Hannah and I clean up real nice I must say. We made a few stops then to the movies to drool over Matthew McConaughey and Josh Lucas in Lincoln Lawyer. Good movie, camera movement made me a bit dizzy at times but I was riveted to trying to figure out all the details. It was a good movie tonight it made me think and that is something I have tried to avoid in my free time.

After the movie we went to a late dinner. I had planned on cooking today but somewhere in my enjoyment of the day I forgot to thaw the chicken. Oh well it will still be frozen tomorrow if I don't remember to get it out again. The best part of dinner was having very grown up conversations. We talked about so many things. The question that startled me the most was when Hannah asked, "Mom, what are you going to do when I go to college?" My very grown up little girl worries so much about me. I honestly answered her, "I don't know. A lot can happen in three years! Look at Scott and I!" I answered her with tears in my eyes. I try to focus on the here and now. I used to have a life map but not anymore. I know it can all be gone tomorrow.

Last year at this time, Scott, Laynie, Hannah and I were at the movies. I know this because 1- I have the ticket stubs. I found them in my Mickey sweat jacket pocket after Scott died. 2 - I remember standing in the hall of the theater with Scott and Laynie waiting for Hannah to get out of her movie. There was nobody else around and Scott kept peaking his head into Hannah's theater to see if he could spot her, to see if there were boys involved. Moments in time, snapshots of life that was amazingly perfect for the short three years we lived together.

Scott and Laynie and I saw "How to Train Your Dragon." Laynie had decided she wanted a Shrek 4 party for her birthday. She stood up and pointed at the preview with sheer joy and excitement. Scott didn't get to see her do this because he went and got us drinks but we told him when he got back. He was loving helping her make her a decision about learning how she could choose things for herself not just because Hannah did it.

Today was very different then my perfect date last year. It is my perfect date in my new life for today. I have learned how to be happy in the moments I've been given. My life with Scott wasn't that I had to have a man in it. He was a force of his own. We were two separate people who recognized that loving each other was worth all the hurdles. We shared a life and love that is in my heart forever. Scott is his own person to me. I don't know what my future brings other then taking the time to be more then a to do list for work. That is there and if I can squeeze in a few moments it is good but it will still be there even after I take time for just me. Today was about Hannah and I! My perfect date with my beautiful daughter. I can only pray for more days like today! I hope tomorrow brings more moments of snapshots of memories. Those moments have given me an outlook that is truly me. I refuse to be bitter or mean that wasn't who I was before why should I be that now!

If you have a life that you can find a middle ground stop and look around because there has to be a hand to reach out and hold. Everyone needs a moment, a snapshot of love and kindness. Don't let your past keep you from living forward. There is someone right under you nose who may need you! I believe we all land in each other's lives for a reason but we don't get to decide why and if we are lucky maybe we do get to understand. Reach out and hold a hand. Stop what you are doing and go on that perfect date! Make a memory with someone of any age it will matter and you won't know it until it's too late!

I AM...

"What was it in the sweep of the sky, the giant outcropping of rock, the sassafras leaf in my hand? I did not know, but I felt hushed by awe and a quiet joy." -Avery Brooks

After all the trauma, stress, tears, loss, fatigue and all the crazy nonstop days I have learned to pause and feel that awe of and quiet joy. It gives me a rejuvenation that I know I need to keep going. There are so many parts to my life that I do enjoy these days. There are moments when I can have a conversation and the rest of the world disappears. There are times when I smile and feel full of joy. When I need a break to catch my breath, I stop and remember the times I have all the smiles, conversations and feel life.

The love of life is what I keep getting bits and pieces at a time. It hasn't completely stopped the breaks of loneliness or the quiet despair. I am trying to focus on my life in the here and now. I take the small moments and hope they add up to a magnificent moments. Tonight is the beginning of a week that should have been joyful and celebration I need all the moments of positive to keep me stepping instead of stopping.

I have all kinds of scenarios that run through my head of how to keep trying to remain focused. The ways to keep living forward. I have been so blessed with so many people holding me up and even pushing me forward when I don't want to try. My life matters to someone out there. I know it is more then just one person but having just one makes me keep breathing. I have a purpose, a reason for here and now and a place of where I will be going. I am learning who I am.

I received a phone call on Monday from one of those people in my life who has been on the fringe of my life watching and supporting me. She was changing jobs and wanted to personally let me know. She kept telling me what an inspiration I am and how special I am. It was nice to hear all of those kind words. My response though is always that I am being who I am. I don't know how to be anything more or less. I don't have a plan to get through this. I just listen to my heart and follow what I hear from God and Scott in my moments of reflection and healing.

Scott will always be a part of my heart but I have figured out that I do know how to live my life without him. I don't like it but I don't have a choice. I will do what I feel is the right step to take me further into my new life. I will always remember because that love gave me a life I will never forget but that doesn't mean I have stopped living. I am me! So in my time of quiet and reflection I continue to pray for light and love to keep me close in this last week of firsts.

Open Hearts

I'm not sure why but last night I laid in bed and cried for what seemed like hours. I couldn't sleep and that isn't a good thing. I don't understand some of the things that set me up for tears. It can be the most random of things. Yesterday evening I came home and laid outside on my chaise recliner reading. Just being in the moment. Sometimes I feel as if I could teach a class on embracing all the small moments in life and yet others I can barely brush my teeth. I actually fell asleep laying outside. It was the most wonderful feeling. It wasn't for long but enough to feel calm after the crazy aggravating day I had yesterday.

Hannah came home from Church and I found her outside later doing her homework on the patio. I teased her about sitting in my spot! In the house I have my spot and now I've staked my spot outside. I'm very territorial, I like things just so. I know laugh all you want but it does help me keep my calm. We did a few more things and suddenly it was time for bed. She headed to her side of the house and I went to mine. I was tired but sleep was elusive and suddenly I found myself in gut wrenching tears looking at the pillows I have in my bed. One is covered in Scott's tshirt. It doesn't smell like him but resting my head on it reminds me of so many things. I was finally able to calm myself but I still wasn't sleeping so I did what I do best read some more! I was up until 3 am. That certainly doesn't make for a pretty morning.

I was so out of sorts it was after 10 before I noticed I looked tired and sad when I was looking in the mirror in the bathroom. I was so befuddled this morning that I had forgotten my mascara! That is one scary sight! It did turn out to be a really good day though. It was quiet in the therapy department but we managed to get out for lunch. Then all of the sudden crazy conversations started happening.

I was talking to two separate people at two different times. One had lost her husband five years ago and one whose sister had lost her husband two years ago. Just random out of the blue conversations. They both talked about dating and how neither was able to date because they compared all men to the deceased husbands. Neither had sought counseling and still had issues that they were unprepared to face. It must be something I need to face to have it just be a random part of conversation. I think about all the people I know. Then I think about Scott. I see all kinds of guys out and about in the community but I don't look for him. The only thing that still makes my heart pause and look for him is seeing a White Toyota Tundra. I can't tell you what I would do about dating because I don't know. If there is someone who is interesting I won't be closed off and afraid. I know I will just do exactly what I have been doing living forward. It is my way to honor Scott's memory.

This year of firsts is rapidly coming to a close. In ten days it will be one year since Scott walked out of this house telling me "It's ok! I love you!" I don't know what tomorrow holds let alone the emotions I will feel on April 4! I am prepared to keep living forward in each day. I am prepared to be honest and truthful with myself. I am prepared to smile and find the positive in all that I am handed in my life. I don't know what the future holds for me but I am here pausing in each moment because I am not guaranteed a tomorrow. I will know that "in God all things are possible!" It will be possible for me to do whatever because I have come through the worst year anyone can have trying to live forward. I don't know if God only gives you what you can handle but I do know that some where deep inside each of us is the power of love to focus on the those moments we take to make it, even when all we want to do is end it! I will keep living forward. I don't know what I'm ready for until it slaps me in the face and I have to learn.

There are things I'm ready to do and in time I will get to them. Not today but someday. There is only one Scott in my heart and I know that we each deserve a chance to be judged for ourselves not how we compare to someone who is now without faults. I know what I am seeking and it will appear when the time is right. My heart is open to all the possibilities in this world I just have to step out from behind my protective castle walls. I will find my path one step at a time. I am living forward in all things today.

My Castle

Have you ever had a strength you didn't know you had? Today I realized the strength I had for Scott. He used to tell me all the time and I understood but I don't think I fully believed him. I was his calm. I wasn't always calm and I do get worked up. Hannah can vouch for me on that but when his life was nuts and he wanted to conquer or just plain ol punch someone out, I was the voice of reason. I could take his hand and give him my heart in my eyes and we were moved to another plane of reality. When we came back the world was right again.

It is hard being such a touchy feely person and not having an outlet for those emotions. I see it at work, I pat shoulders, touch hands and give hugs but I have realized I am so much more restrained. I'm afraid of all the emotions you get from others with the simple act of touching. I think I have turned off the feeling side of me some days it is so much easier to cope with the world when I focus on my own emotions. There are still a few people that I can't turn off intercepting their energy whether I touch them or not.

I really do try though but sometimes when those folks are agitated or anxious I feel it and then I don't know what to do with the energy when it is sent to me. I don't know if I'm making sense but I think we have all been there when you are around someone who is happy that you feel happy. I can handle happy not so much agitated! Maybe that is why I have shut my own emotions down. Maybe that is why I am so afraid of life still. I keep myself so protected. My brick walls are there as my castle.

I'm so afraid of interacting with others on such a personal level that I keep things so very superficial sometimes. Then I think about Scott. He never let me be that way. He made me join life. He encouraged me to open the door to the castle and not be afraid of others. I am still that person and I have the skills he taught me but I'm still very frightened of living. I am working on life and living. I am working on keeping myself out there. I can't be hard on myself but I'm still tiptoeing through the tulips! Little steps and I will find myself again.

An Ordinary Day

Yes finally an ordinary day in my life. Did you know that life could just be crazy and boring all in the same note. I was having one of those days where concentration wasn't happening. I'm still doing that right now. I keep drifting. I have no brains today I guess. I don't have enough sticky notes to make my world any easier and yes I do have an app for that. I finally just gave up on anything that required thinking and cleaned out ONE file cabinet drawer. It took me all afternoon and I was surrounded by OLD papers.

I don't think I have gotten anything done. Then I rewind my day, nope I don't remember today as much of anything. Hannah and I did our grocery shopping. I don't even bother anymore trying to do that on my own. I guess I have three more years to conquer that struggle. Today I did cook dinner. I haven't cooked since making dinners for my mother after her surgery. As I was standing there stirring. I felt my Angel's presence. I'm trying to be there in each moment of my days.

I keep remembering so many things. That must be why I'm struggling to focus and concentrate. It must be why cleaning out a file cabinet drawer of outdated, useless speech therapy materials was the purpose of my ordinary day. I need chocolate! Sadly I left the grocery store without any. I did buy tulips for myself! I am really good at taking care of myself. I just keep living forward one day at a time.

Love and Little Green Aliens

"Love... bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends." -I Corinthians 13:7-8

What a crazy busy day but maybe, just maybe I might actually sleep tonight! It didn't happen again last night but that's okay when I get tired enough I will be asleep. I may have a break down before then but I will sure have lived a life before I get there!

I have to say how much I love my daughter and how very beautiful and talented she is. She is becoming a very amazing young woman. This afternoon they had a pre UIL concert for practice before their actual competition. I wasn't able to stay for all three bands but I must say these kids are amazingly talented and have been truly blessed with great teaching along the way. They played an amazing song that is titled "Voices in the Sky." It was very powerful and I wish I had a copy of them playing the music. There are Angels in the music that deliver messages.

Then tonight, without a stop at home, I made my way to the best monthly fellowship a girl could have - BUNCO. These ladies are fantastic and amazing and I love spending time on our once a month visits. I can't tell you how much my boring little life is all brightened up after trying to count and talk at the same time! Tonight was even better because I won a prize. Made me feel like I need a trip to Vegas, I was on such a roll! I'm not much of a gambler though so I think it might be for the shows!

Well, work as crazy busy as it gets, I still have these great peeps who I love. Where else can you talk about little green alien men and oompaaloompahs all in one sentence. I still don't understand why the little green alien men don't come and kidnap you from work! Why is it all the safety and comfort of your bed? Just a random thought that made me go Hmmmm?!?!?

I also spent some time on the phone with Scott's sister. Regardless of the all the crap that we have been through we are family because of one amazing man. I don't understand all of this except one thing, We are all loved by the same man and he still guides us and protects us. I have to believe in all of this God isn't vindictive. He is all loving. I have to believe in the fact I have been surrounded by continued love from so many areas.

I will keep going these next two weeks. I'm not sure each day but I know in my heart Scott is here with me for the rest of my life. He is forever exactly what he promised with all his love. I can make it one more day. Now if I could understand the science of sleep I might me a bit better each day. I miss being held and cuddled. Maybe someday I can find a volunteer. I've got to keep thinking positive.

Odd Dream

I did exactly what I wanted to do this weekend - Nothing! Somehow I always learn something though. Last night was a no sleep night. I'm not sure why since I did nothing the day before. Today that translated into a nice nap. I just hope I can sleep tonight though. Work somehow comes bright and early on Monday mornings. My nap was interesting to say the least. No details but interesting and for the first time in a dream I can remember it wasn't about Scott but it was as dreams can be still someone untouchable! Interesting way to learn a lesson but well they have always seem to come at me when I least expect them.

I have so many other things on my mind. I guess I needed a mental break in my sleep. I focus so hard on just putting one foot in front of the other that I really don't think about some of the stuff. I'm still paralyzed at the thought of anyone in my life. So I will stick to dreams that books are written. I do love a good novel but I'd prefer my life to have a happy ending because this sure isn't what dreams are made!

I have been doing the things I love and for once stopping and taking the time to do those things. I don't know how I've reached a point to just stop and breathe in the air of life. Hannah just changed the channel to the KU Jayhawk game. Three years ago Scott and I sat on the Riverwalk during the final four with my parents. I miss doing those things that you do for someone because you love them. I miss having a life based on love. I am learning to do the things I have to be for me to keep living forward. I still don't like my life all that much. For that matter I still hate my life but I'm trying to figure all that out.

If that means I have a wild and crazy dream then I guess I will turn it over in my brain like I do everything else. I will keep trying to like my life. I will be happy with the moments I'm still here even though I don't want to be. I think I was where I was supposed to be this weekend with my birds, gardens and my thoughts. I wasn't fit to be around anyone else. I'm not sure I am ready ever but I've gotten really good at pretending. Pretending to be okay with living forward. Maybe on the days I have true smiles my thoughts are different. There has to be a moment in time when I have learned to be healed enough to be okay in my own skin again. I guess for now I will take the crazy dreams. I'm not sure what they mean. Not today but maybe someday!

Always a Big But...

I used to crave days like today. Sitting and doing nothing but reading my book. It would have been a perfect day. The sun was bright, the yard looks great, I have a funny book on my Kindle, the new chaise lounge on the patio but... Isn't there always a BIG BUT in my story. Sadly it is mine. I would much rather have had Scott sitting out here tormenting me about sitting around doing nothing or watching him trying to make me feel guilty by working on stuff so I would come help him. From the outside looking in I may have it all, great job, fun coworkers, friends and family who would do anything for me, a beautiful daughter, a nice home and great vacations. Here we go again the BIG BUT it's lonely.

It is still real easy for me to know which weekends we would have had the girls and when we wouldn't. Hannah is with her dad so we wouldn't have had Laynie. This still hurts to think about the things we loved to do together. One day he told me to get in the truck we had some things to do. We drove all around the countryside. Talking and laughing and just being free. We did his favorite thing of stopping at a hole in the wall for sustenance but we just really needed each other. I love how much time we spent together. I know that is why we had such a strong relationship. We had our battles but they never lasted long.

As I sat outside again today I was watching the birds and listening to the sweet doves coo. Along flew a blue jay. He was in the yard playing for a long time. Earlier the Cardinal was in the front yard but later on he was flying in and out of the same tree where the Blue jay had been. I just had to Google what seeing those two birds means.

"The symbolic meaning of cardinals deals with vibrancy and brilliance.

As we observe the cardinal – particularly against the backdrop of the stark winter months, we are reminded that even when things appear bleak or isolated, there is always the presence of beauty, hope, and love.

Cardinals encourage us to express our brilliance and reveal our truest selves. Their radiant red is a symbol for us to recognize the gifts in our hearts that we have to give to others in love and friendship."


"The Blue Jay's message is about embracing life to the fullest wherever you land and pursuing life with gusto at all times. They represent a more exciting, flamboyant, and glamorous life, arriving onto the scene with beauty, color, and vibrance. They are also known to represent people who have the "gift of gab". They command energy like royalty or stardom walking on a red carpet. The pronounced crest on the head resembles a crown for royalty. When a Blue Jay grabs your attention, it is asking you to embrace your God-given assets. You already have the world's attention- all you have to do is respond to it."


Wow! I've always seen lots of cardinals since my Dad died so I always have associated them with a visit from him. Scott was with me many times when we would see them and he would comment on how they seem to follow me because he had never seen so many. I have never seen a blue jay in my yard so I was very surprised. When I looked up the symbolic meaning I was very surprised to see the "gift of gab" I do believe Scott may have found the perfect bird to show me from him.

I have to think that I wasn't really alone today. I just needed a space to breath and recollect. I have so much more to give from my heart. I read or heard something the other day that said "your heart should rule above your head!" That is the kind of person I am. There are things I know and understand long before others see the truth. I will continue to wait patiently for the catching up to happen. It always does. I will keep being my truest self. That seems to be the best place for me to be! I am still lonely but my heart is a bit lighter knowing Scott and Daddy still love me and seem to have found each other!

Now I just need to avoid thinking with the BIG BUT in all my sentences! There is more life for me to live! I continue to ask for light and love, guide me, protect me and show me the way. There are more answers yet to find.

Patio Sunset

I'm not sure about so many things in life but I do know that I am trying. Last week after we tackled the yard I decided to do something for myself that Scott was going to do for me last year for Mother's Day. I have always wanted nice "wicker" furniture for the covered patio. I decided it was time to conquer the vision I always saw sitting out by the pool looking towards the house; Scott standing on the patio looking off into space and slowly walking into the house. I still have the other furniture but now it is different out here yet still the same. The vision is in my head but I can go outside and be at peace. That is another step for me that I was surprised I was able to make.

Then last night the other part of the outdoor living space has always been a pergola over the other part of the patio. This was the original design even when Mike and I were married and Scott kept saying we will get that done so your garden can be finished. If you garden much you know it is never complete and always changing but the main structures matter. The hardscapes need to be finished. As I was doing my usual games on Facebook along comes an add for, yes you guessed it, a local company that specialized in pergolas! I don't understand how I keep walking into answers to questions I don't even know I have!

The hardest part of the dream coming together is the loneliness attached to not having the person I love here to share it with me. Tonight I arranged to what I think may look right but I know I will move it around until it feels just right. Then I grabbed my laptop and sat out here in the warm air watching the sunset. It has been almost a year ago since I sat here watching a sunset but the feeling was different in a new chair. It is peaceful but very lonely trying to continue to come to grips with living forward. I know the end will never happen and I am changed but I refuse to pretend like my life with Scott never was. That would be far worse. We were very blessed with wonderful years and wonderful memories. I love him and he has a place always with me. That doesn't mean I am all boarded up and just hanging out to die. I will try. Some days I am more ready then others. Some days I feel pushed backwards but most days I live forward into a new definition of my life.

If I live for forty more years then I hope I can enjoy a life again like I shared with Scott. I don't really want to be sitting here on this same patio living a dream that will never be. I have new hopes and dreams that I know Scott wants me to have. He wants me to find my place in the world again. I will live forward one sunset at a time. I will eventually be able to swim again! I will eventually be able to go to the grocery store without having a panic attack! I will be loved again! Smile and think positively! It is the only way to get what I want out of my life.

Catching My Breath

My head is so tired. It has been a long week and wow it should really be Friday today but alas I have to do it all again tomorrow. Then this weekend will be me time I suppose. Tonight I was walking around outside thinking I need to plant things. It has been one of those weeks. I get frustrated, I dig in the dirt or I craft something that requires pounding. I'm thinking I'm not going to be crafting because that craft room just needs emotional attention. I've conquered the garden so maybe the flowers can help add to the project we were working on last spring. After Scott passed away I just was done with the yard but somehow Spring comes again.


"The strands are all there: to the memory nothing is ever lost." - Eudora Welty

I think the biggest lesson I have learned this year is that my memories are all the strands to our love. As long as I have those he will be a part of my life. I may someday experience the loss of my own world but at that point I will be so near to joining him that I will probably just be seeing him anyway! Yes working with Dementia patients makes you think about some really odd things. One day my counselor and I were talking about the memories and living forward with them. She was telling me about a gentleman she had that came to see her that was seeing a woman who had lost her husband. No names were ever mentioned but she said he always felt like her late husband was encouraging him and approving. This all came up when we were discussing how much I feel Scott around and that no I'm not crazy!

I feel so much less crazy today. I can only explain it that I just feel that comfort and peace surrounding me more so today. I was busy but I didn't feel stressed. I felt surrounded by love. I don't get it but really strange things happened today that just make me know. I get it and I accept it! My boss sent out an email that she was taking a day off because one of her closest friends lost their 19 year old daughter in a car accident. My immediate response comes from such a different place then it did before. Now I feel like I have a gift to share to others. The power to understand how to live forward. Sometimes the strangest things will trigger my tears but today I have made a mark with only one episode. That is a first for me in almost a year. I will keep trying to make it one step at a time. I'm sure I'm still strapped into the rollercoaster though I have just reached the catch my breath moment for more flying!

Grass under my feet

"'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all." -Alfred Tennyson

I love my daily book of grief. When I'm feeling the highs and lows I can open my Kindle to any day in the book and find something to give me answers. The author speaks of this line in the death of her daughter. She had a friend who had never had children send her a letter after the sudden death of their child which said, "Some people never have that much to lose." I can speak of that in all the honesty in my heart with an absolute YES!

I have had a rough week. I know it is going to be a rough month but I'm trying. Today was one of those days where absolutely everything that went wrong today was all the therapy department's fault. Lots of blaming from others who didn't want to take ownership of their mistakes. I'm guilty of that at times but really how is it the fault of one department. Where is the teamwork? So in the middle of all this my fantastic, supportive team whom I would do anything for witnessed my body fail me! They held me up and put me back together. I feel like Humpty Dumpty. I took today, the good bad and the ugly and made it my own.

I have the most amazing memories of a life with Scott that only fairytales are made! It is because of that love that I am able to keep living even in my darkest moments. I can only hope that my life can give a lesson to the someone else. I can only hope that I can show someone sitting out there hiding from love out of fear to give it a chance. Reach out and try something. Yes I know that the fear of pain or being hurt can keep you from trying but in the end I know that we gave that love a chance to fly! It gave me wings to soar through all the grief and pain. If I'm given a chance to do it all again I will in a heartbeat. If I'm not I know I have love in my heart to last a lifetime!

Yes I did lose my love but he always told me I am his heart. I know we will share that forever. It doesn't mean that kind, caring, loving, magical person he fell in love with is gone. I'm still here trying to live. If anything that person and those emotions are even stronger. I refuse to become bitter and sad. I will keep trying because I know that the love in my heart will have a place to go! Just kick me into action if I try to give up! Make me remember I still have grass under my feet today!

Can I?

"Do not let your fire go out, sparked by irreplaceable spark. And the hopeless swamps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish. And lonely frustration for the life you deserved but never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible. And it is yours."


I just swiped this off of Hannah's wall. I'm pretty sure she took it from ONE TREE HILL but don't ask me who originally said it. I'm not feeling so great. Not only do I feel like crap physically I feel even worse emotionally. I'm trying to make it but really just don't have the fight in me. I don't even feel like smiling or being flirty. Last night I even took my profile pic back to Scott and I. Geez how pitiful am I.

I keep trying to choose love which leads me to living forward but I'm not sure how I've even made it this far. I'm sitting here watching Hannah's show with her and the couple is getting married. I just don't get how we got to choose love and now here I am just trying to choose life. I have no answers tonight. I don't even know what questions to ask. So once again I will just ask to be surrounded by light and love, to guide me, protect me and show me the way. Maybe I can find living forward again, I just am feeling really sorry for myself. I need a focus, a plan and a place to be. I will keep searching my heart may still hurt. My heart will always hurt but I still have love to give.

Eating Elephants

I'm beginning to wonder if I have earned a lifetime supply of tears. I don't think there is a type of tear I haven't cried. Tears are very exhausting but yet cleansing at the same time. I can't explain the power of all my tears. Each drop that has rolled down my checks, made my nose run, caused streaky, blotchy, red, swollen eyes, ruined paperwork at my desk and even made others cry has carried an emotion. Those emotions are so different each time I cry. I really would like to have a day that doesn't leave me more questions about my own life after a bout of tears.

Today a long time friend and I texted all day. We have spent many hours together and are really close friends. He's had a bunch of life changing experiences lately but it was so funny for me to have him say things to me that I've said to him. I doubt myself so often. I doubt my ability to live forward and let go. He kept saying to me you just have to live for you. You can live for your daughter but if you aren't true to yourself and know yourself then what you are for Hannah isn't enough to keep going after she grows up! I just smiled and laughed with tears in my eyes. He was so right. I have said those words but yet here I sit over analyzing myself.

I just need to stop and breathe again. At work today it was 3:30pm before I even noticed that my watch still said the time prior to daylight savings time! I'm not sure what that means though. For the last year I have tackled so many things and just kept going. The only time I stopped was when I couldn't keep going. When I emotionally melted. I feel that melting happening again. I just need to be. What I would dearly love to be able to do is go to Fiji. LikuLiku resort sounds like the perfect place to be just me. That was Scott's plan to get me to a place where I didn't have a chance to run on full speed. I need to know how to pause and breathe. I pretend like I do but I'm not sure if I really do. Maybe I do need to just disappear for refresher.

I just start thinking about everyone I would upset if I just disappeared for some tranquility. Today at lunch we were talking about 12-12-12. I just said, "I'm ready!" I have faced so many of my own demons yet they just keep coming. My own emotions don't just fade. I have reached so far but I do know when I'm tired I can't push forward any harder. Maybe my journey isn't just about myself but helping others. I got to experience love and I'm ready to join him but I don't get to say when that date happens. That must mean I have lessons to learn, lives to touch, hands to hold, places to be and love to give. I can't be selfish! I just can't disappear. I have a life I'm supposed to hang onto. I have more to give just really need to get out of my own brain.

I need my fun, flirty self to make a reappearance. I like how that mood makes me feel so light and free. Not as free as the rollercoaster but enough to make the steps to keep living forward easier. Maybe sleep will stop my brain. The last two nights I have found myself wrapped in arms in my dreams. I can only hope they are Scott's. I can't see him but I'd know those hairy arms anywhere. He wants me to keep moving and to keep trying. He wants me to be me. So tonight I say to heck with the time change and go take my medicines early. I really wish I could have real sleep but that is another battle for another day.

My friend Betsy keeps saying, "How do you eat an elephant?" The answer is "one bite at a time." I have several elephants. I'm really full but I guess I just keep trying. Hand me the next bite, tomorrow! There are no time frames but you'd really think this elephant would be smaller! Thank you to the wisdom of a very special child in Betsy's life who can find just the right words to describe life!

Happier Heart

So I melted down over rocks. My carefully well placed rocks around the pool while we were finishing up in the yard. I know it only had one thing to do with Scott. I was good when we were in the front yard but working around the landscape for the pool was very hard. I melted. I couldn't do it anymore. I went into the house and sobbed. I still don't get why he left me. I don't think I'm ever supposed to get why he left me but it really does hurt when I cross things I have avoided or sometimes not even realized I was avoiding.

I know I was avoiding the landscape around the pool. I can tell you every step we made that weekend when we were working in the yard. I can even point out the last bush I pruned and the last place I sat watching him stare off into space on the back patio. The palm trees still need pruning. I wait until a bit of green comes out of the top for them. I will have to tackle that project but I can avoid it for a bit longer.

As I sat in the floor of Hannah's bathroom asking him why he left me, I started praying again. I asked him to let me know he was still here with me. A bit later I had to go get the last 30 bags of the 180 bags of mulch I bought this weekend. When I got into my StepBob's truck, which I have been driving all weekend, the radio started in with Scott sending me messages. Overpowering messages! I got it! I started smiling. Then when I went into Home Depot for the umpteenth time, I ran into the person I need to call about Home Health for my Mother-in-law to give her the info for Scott's sister to take care of all the details! Amazing!

Next weekend I am planning to have a completely me weekend! I will recharge my own batteries! I'm not sure what that means yet but I know it will not involve mulching, cleaning, hauling, or any form of labor! I am really thinking two days in my PJ's sounds really great. Not as much fun alone though. Oh well it's all I've gotta work with these days I might as well pretend to enjoy my own company when I'm here. I need to learn how to make the most of the life I have and that requires taking time for myself too! It is very peaceful sitting outside on the back patio right now. The only thing about it is sitting in the chair where I sat waiting for Scott to come home. I even have the same glass next to me filled with the same type of drink. It is once again a Sunday night. I will survive. I don't have any choice.

So when I finish this blog I will sit and meditate. I will make myself open to messages from God, Scott or anyone else who needs to visit and help me make it on my journey of living forward. It would be nice to be sitting here holding hands but I can take the noise from the road, kitty meows, locusts, crickets, a bird and off in the distance a dog barking. There is something to be said for taking the time to find peace inside yourself. It sure makes the days when I have to be on for the rest of the world so much easier to make it through. Listen to the quiet, it will make your heart a happier place.

Dirt Therapy/Grub Smacking

I'm not a morning person. I hate getting up early and I think perky early morning people need to be hidden until at least noon! My parents are here because I asked for help with the yard work and you guessed it they get up at the crack of dawn. I slept in for them so at 9 am it was time to go get the work done. I'll have you know I have been known to pull weeds in the backyard around the pool at midnight! It is when I have the most energy. That wasn't happening today.

I got up to the horrifying smell of coffee so I knew the only way to escape was to go outside and work. I feel like the energizer bunny kicked me in the head and then ran over me back and forth after all we've done today. I was working in the dirt with some of my plants, thinning them out and moving them around and I must not have been working fast enough for my Mom! She told me I could move those later. While I kept working they stopped for lunch. I was alone with nature, God and Scott!

I was digging and pulling weeds. I like being out there alone with the dirt and plants. The world is very quiet even in this busy neighborhood. I would dig, find some weed roots, pull them, plant the daylily. The usual routine of gardening. The fun part was digging up the grubs! It is very therapeutic to sit them on my rock border and smash them hard! The guts go everywhere! Much better then any chemical. Gardening is great therapy. The only thing is my type A personality takes over and I want it all to be just right and lined up perfectly without a weed in sight. I try real hard not to line the plants all up in neat little rows and pull every single weed. I have noticed that God didn't have that in mind.

I got a lot of thinking done in the short time I was alone in the front yard. I hatched a plan that requires myself and another friend letting go of our control freakiness! It works in the job but not so well all the time. I'm really trying to enjoy life and be happy in each day. It was hard today because of another bridge. I can stare at the palm trees around the pool and they still don't clip themselves. I still see Scott standing there, cussing them out. I still have his shirt in his closet with the blood stain from the palm poking him. I haven't washed it. It still smells like him.

I have lots of bridges to continue to cross. Dirt therapy helped me clear some things out of my brain. As much thinking as I do, you'd think I could solve all the world's problems. That's okay though I do know how to live forward today. I have answered a few of my issues. I just keep going one step at a time. When it is my time to join Scott and God, I will know that I took the time to listen not just to pray. I took the time to know that God wraps me in his arms even when I'm smacking a grub! I guess it's better then smacking a person! Cause I'm sure I could give you a list of people I've wanted to smack along the way. So maybe my solution is plant something whenever I want to smack someone! If that has always been the case then that explains the reason why I've bought 80+ bags of mulch to cover my flower beds.

I Am Beautiful

Yes, apparently it's true! At least according to three of my Residents and my Mother-in-Law over the last 24 hours! I must have really needed to hear that! Yesterday and today I have felt like CRAP. I didn't bother with my hair, I washed it and left it curly. I don't even think I know the definition of makeup yet here are these people seeing me. One of the Residents told me it was the sparkle in my eyes. I was pretty but my eyes made me beautiful.

It has been very hard for me to drive out to see my in laws but Scott's sister called me today and my Mother-in-law fell and broke her hip. As soon as I could I went to the hospital to see her. She had me sitting on the end of her bed and we talked for an hour. I've never talked to her that long ever. She was so happy to see me and I feel horrible that I've been so in my own world not to see her. We talked about Scott and of course, I cried. I could feel Scott standing there with us. We talked about how he was around and loves us. I would do anything for her because I love Scott! He used to tease her constantly and she loved every minute of it. She kept saying how she was going to work hard because that is what he wants her to do! You see I'm not the only one who knows he's here. I just hate it as much as she does that he's gone. It was nice to sit there and talk to her for so long just the two of us. Our connection is our love for Scott. She knows how much I love him.

I miss that love so very much. I miss having a life. I miss being told that I'm beautiful just waking up in the morning. I miss being told I'm beautiful when I'm sick and can't move. Sounds selfish doesn't it! The thing is I don't usually care much about outward appearances. I can dress nice if I have to but my priority doesn't require impressing anyone. I miss having someone to talk do and do silly crazy things with. The thing I am realizing is that person doesn't have to be a love interest. It is possible to have friends like that. Silly crazy off the wall conversations make me smile. Today I missed my crazy self and my silly friends.

This week has been rough but I have lived. I just don't know what my life will be like tomorrow. I am living forward. Let's all live forward. It would just be nice to have that one person who makes me feel beautiful even the first thing in the morning when my hair stands straight up and I haven't brushed my teeth. That's love! That's true love! I miss true love but I will take those special people who tell me that I'm beautiful. It's a great boost for my spirits. I need a swift kick in the pants though to keep going.

A Tree Bears a Message

"I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understand, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable." -Anne Morrow Lindebergh

To me this quote fits more then just the journey of grief. This is in fact the journey of life itself. We have all lost something/someone in our life. We have all experienced a type of grief and learning to come out on the other end a stronger, better person. I know what it means to learn to live life to the fullest. I used to take things for granted. There are moments when you just have to stop, take a deep breath and smell the roses. Life has thorns but finding that beautiful flower in the midst of all the brambles is shear joy. You just have to take the time to appreciate that beauty.

We all take the time to pray. I do everyday. It gives me a chance to ask for a helping hand to get me to the next day. I think the thing we miss most often is taking time for meditation. Meditation is the act of listening to God! How often do you take the time to recognize a moment when God is answering a prayer? I like to take the quiet and feel the messages flow through me just as breath of air. I may not always know or accept the messages I receive in the past but I lately I have learned to not question.

I have this friend who is even more of a controlling personality then I am! Shocked? Yes who would think that would be possible. Today we were having this discussion and I heard a message. I have something to give someone else. We were talking about taking nothing in life for granted. I understand fully that you aren't guaranteed tomorrow. You must take a break for yourself. You can have a family, children, others who depend on you but you will be worthless if you break. Money and things mean nothing if you don't stop to smell those flowers or taste the BBQ.

I don't always understand the things that have occurred in my life. I don't always believe in the strength I have but for some reason I have been listening. Not just with my head or heart but my soul! I heard loud and clear today a message, a purpose now to hatch the plan. I have learned in the last year above all else live for today, make a difference in some one's life because you could be gone tomorrow. I will make a difference because I have listened with my soul. I will keep praying for Light and love to guide me, protect me and show me the way. Take the time to listen for your path to continue your journey. Prayer only is one-sided. To have a real conversation you must also be willing to listen. God is everywhere, just look outside at the arrival of Spring. The next time you are outside take a moment to pause and feel the answers from God! Those beautiful blooms may be just the thing carrying the message you need to hear.

Guy Talk

I know I should be focusing on life right now but I'm focused on death again. I know it is time for my B12 shot I can feel it in my brain but today I just felt like giving up on my life. I want to make it through all of this year, all of the firsts. I am almost there. The only thing is you see Lent begins! The one part of my spiritual life I have not been able to come to grips with is losing Scott on Easter Sunday. That time is later this year so not only do I have to do the anniversary of the celebration of his life but I have to deal with Easter at the end of the month. My year of firsts is longer then most other people! For the first time since I discovered that I can flirt, smile and focus on myself I just don't care about living forward. Not today!

I feel this huge gaping hole in my heart today triggered by a random thought and I just don't care about trying. I'm sad, lonely and I feel outside of my own skin. I don't want to try anymore. Tonight I am the pathetic. It takes a ton of energy to fake it on days you don't want to be out in the world. Today must have been one of those days because I haven't felt the need to fake life for a while. Put on a happy face and pretend the world is all hunky dunky! I have been finding my smile in my eyes. I just don't think it was there today.

Today I want to be held and loved. To know I matter to someone else, that I am loved for me, warts and all. Yesterday, a friend told me Scott thought I hung the moon. I want to be with him on that moon. Scott wasn't the only part of my life but that kind of love is hard to lose. I keep hearing how I will find someone when the time is right and I need to not push myself so hard. Which I find really funny because I don't even know if or when the right time will happen. It would just be nice to have someone to hang with. I have my fantastic girlfriends but there is something about just having guy friends. The conversations are different! I need to get out of my own head because tonight I think I'm a lot crazy. I actually want to hear a lecture on the Final Four and who is going to be where and why! I HATE basketball!

I am struggling to get out of this funk! Today at work I couldn't focus on anything of any substance! I never forget stuff and I found myself looking things up multiple times just to answer questions. I finally gave up and cleaned out the closet in my office! I am paying for it now because I was doing things physically that I'm not supposed to do but if it wore me out to exhaustion maybe I will sleep. Okay guy friends where are you when I need you! Oh wait that's the trouble - here let me try this. I promise not to have an emotional melt down in your presence! I never would have to say that to Scott he would just know I had melted before I did! I guess maybe I am still trying to live forward. If I weren't I wouldn't be sitting here trying to get all of this out of my head!

I need superficial sports lectures or even just attending a sporting event. I think I may have just shocked Scott but I do like most sports. It's just that he loved his NCAA Basketball tourney. My seasons with him weren't about the changing of the leaves but about the changing of the type of playing field and uniforms. Hey I'm a good catch for some future yet to be named guy in my life! Scott trained me well to listen patiently to stats, teams and random facts. I must have learned something if I miss the lectures. Like I said my poor sad life! Now how to I find my smile again. Where did I sit it down because it surely got lost some where today!

Diamond Day

Rough does NOT even begin to describe today for me. I should have called it a day and left it to be. Nope I couldn't just let it all well enough be. I went to work instead. I can say I was busy enough that I didn't notice it was 4pm and then suddenly it was 5pm. I stuck a fork in it and called it done. I love that saying.

Two years ago at 7:30 in the morning Scott proposed to me in the lobby of the most beautiful hotel - Wilderness Lodge - in front of a random totem pole while I sat on my scooter getting ready to make our way to the Magic Kingdom. My engagement ring was burning a hole in his pocket and he couldn't wait for the boat ride across to the front of the castle. It was all good for me. I got a better memory and it is purely Scott. I can still hear his voice telling me "When I found you, I found the life I have always wanted. I want to love you to infinity and beyond! Will you marry me and love me to infinity and beyond?" Yes! I will never doubt saying yes. He made me happy and you can't take those special moments from me. I don't want to be here alone on the couch but I am.

Last year we celebrated and those are memories that can never be replaced! We should be at Disney World today with our girls. I should be holding hands and singing along to Pirates but here I am watching reruns of The Closer and eating a Peanut Buster Parfait! Okay so maybe I'm drowning my sorrows in chocolate tonight! I think I may have to add a glass of wine to the mix. I will find a way to get over this step tonight. It is just another part of my living forward. I am crying thinking, "He died but I didn't! I have to find a way to live! I am finding a way to live!"

I was treated like crap at work today by someone on a power trip with no real power. It was all I could do to stand there and listen to an idiot who doesn't know what it really means to help someone. She only knows what it means to look nice. I would never wish ill on others but there are some in life who need to know what life and love really mean. I wanted to explode but I kept my calm. When I was finished being treated like a stupid idiot, I sat at my desk and cried. I think my wild child needs to visit. I need to let loose and be free. I don't know what that means but there has to be someone out there who does! I can hear my friend Sheryl saying,"Me, I the sweet and innocent one!" Yes Sheryl we are but when we let go of that image you have to beware, you never know what you will find!

Scott understood my wild child and yet here I am. Alone! and crying again. I will get there but tonight I'm allowed a set back. I will find my feet tomorrow. I think tonight is hot bath, good book and early to bed. Maybe I will get a visit in my dreams holding me up! He always has a way of surprising me and I have to say there have been so many things that have come true that he has shared with me in these visits. To my friend Angela, "All things are possible in God!" Tonight I pray for God's light and love, to guide me, protect me and show me the way but really doing something I've never done sounds good to me too! I think Scott would be shocked and our anniversary day would be a new memory!

Rocky

I think I should have taken more days off! Tomorrow I will survive. I don't want to but I don't have a choice. Right now I'm not going to think about the day. I am going to see if something good happens around the corner. I made new crazy memories with two beautiful teen girls. Makes me feel like Rocky just a different kind of battle!

I have been handling all of the things thrown my way on my journey in my own time and in my own way. I don't know if I want to face anything more right now but I guess I will. Several times I have heard that I get to keep doing what I'm doing for myself on my own timeline.

I just saw a commercial that said, "What would you do if you knew you only had eight minutes to live?" I often wonder about stuff like that. I think more so since Scott died. I know for a fact that when he suffered his last seizure he knew nothing about what was happening. He wouldn't have seen anything or comprehended anything. I was there for him when he had one after being sick and dehydrated that lasted for 15 minutes. I don't understand why he had his last one because we had such a great weekend and all was well in our world. That darn last hour. I know there are somethings that I can't change. This will forever be the hurdle I jump each day. I know he left the house on his own but I get to deal with all that happened after that. I have to say my answer to eight minutes left to live would be to say I love you to all and rejoice in prayer!

I want to be okay for this week with all my happy memories and living forward. I want to make new memories. I want to feel special and loved. I always feel love - it just seems to be with me all the time. It makes me feel like there is nothing in this world that can't be fixed. I know that isn't true but I know in all of my soul that Scott loves me and wants me to be happy. He wants me to remember the yesterdays and live forward into new tomorrows! I can do this. I will continue with one foot in front of the other! Light and Love! Light and Love!

I Need Wings

Adrenaline is my drug of choice. There are so many other things I could have done this year to cope with all of the feelings of grief but I haven't. I have faced them head on! I haven't hidden in alcohol, drugs (other then my panic attack ones), sex, food or whatever else I could use to attempt to mask my grief. Adrenaline has been the one thing that makes me feel like I'm as close to Scott as I can ever get. It is a truly natural high.

Today I got a boost of adrenaline in the form of many rollercoasters! We were talking about the coasters today as we were riding. Holly hasn't ever ridden a big coaster. I was telling her about being 18 and finally riding my first upside down ride. I've always been scared of them but the last six months have made it nearly impossible for me to say no to riding! It is the only way.

Over the last three months I have found that I am smiling without feeling guilt. I can carry on a conversation without thinking of Scott even once - right now that is restricted to one person for any length of time but that is changing. He isn't ever very far away but it is nice to know I can have a few moments of being this new person I have become.

The rollercoaster gives me my high, let's me be wild and free. I am living forward just as Scott expects. I will learn what and where I am supposed to be. If that means I have backsliding moments then I know a rollercoaster will give me a power boost. I think I will be good for a bit! I think I can make it for a few weeks. Although a nice bottle of wine here and there is fun too! I just don't rely on it to fix my life! I will have to continue driving fast though because the rollercoasters just aren't close enough for me! I need some new selections to my music though.

So tonight I'm praying for wings to let me fly. Fly as high as I can be to feel alive! I will keep trying to live forward into my own great unknown because for some reason all those coasters come to a quick braking stop and reality sets in once again. I'm just glad I have a few moments of freedom to fly and feel the healing power of Scott's arms and love surrounding me unconditionally. I have learned in this journey that too many people have conditions on their lives. Go with the flow, have rules but be open to all the possibilities because you never know when God will hand you a new world to embrace! Fly!

WICKEDly Musical Day

Today was a WICKEDly musical day. I'm sad, happy, depressed and joyful all in one moment. The girls are funny and fun to be with. I enjoy the silly things that happen like waking up with the wind blowing so hard on our top floor balcony windows that is sounded like a ghost and seeing them cuddling sound asleep! They were cold is what I heard. Then at dinner tonight Holly dropped mashed potatoes in Hannah's shoe! The things they say are just a hoot. I wish I had half as much energy as they have.

I've said this before and I'll say it again. San Antonio holds so many memories for all of us. I think next to Disney World it is one of my favorite places to be. I'm not sure I could live here but Scott and I talked about it often. I know there are many places and things to do here that we haven't even touched. It just seems like when we come down here we have specific things to do.

WICKED was beautiful! I can and will watch this over and over! Someday I will make it to Broadway to see it there. It still makes me miss him so very much. He did change my life "For Good." I was able to see the costuming, peer backstage into the wings and look into the pit from our seats. Elphaba and I made eye contact multiple times because I was in the part of the audience she could see from stage. It was nice at the end to be applauding, they pulled the house lights up and she looked at me and said "thank you!" She doesn't know me but my face must have been pure joy!

After the show we were in no hurry to leave so we made our way over to the Alamo. I love being the Human GPS. Poor Hannah kept saying, "Where are we going!!!" Then when we got there she said, "Oh!" My poor kid has zero sense of direction. I'm really afraid to let her drive. As we were leaving downtown we drove past the Grand Hyatt where Scott and I stayed with friends when we all went to Cowboy's Training Camp. It is funny because Scott and I did several sports related things together on the Riverwalk! Crazy but I miss it all. Even last night at dinner when we met friends on the way down. Talk was briefly of baseball and Hannah was clueless but I understood! I miss my human sports encyclopedia! When we passed the Grand I texted one of Scott's friends and told him thank you for including us. It is a great memory. The hardest part for me is that there will never be another with him. I am making new ones though.

Later when it was time for dinner something was said about Mexican food. We ate that last night but I'm always up for that! All my friends know I would eat it seven days a week if I could. I thought is there another guy out there who will understand and take care of me! Feed me chocolate and Mexican food to keep me happy. I know it is more then that but it was a funny thought!! Someday maybe I will have it in me to find out. As the evening wore on. I started to fizzle out, as I'm sure we all do after so much going on. I sat in the restaurant and could feel myself turning inward into my own thoughts. Those are the times when Scott would take my hand, let me be and make sure I was taken care of. I take care of so many things for so many different people. Tonight I just wanted to be held up.

I started to fall apart when we requested extra blankets for the girls and they brought more sheets. The guy said this is all I have I don't have keys to housekeeping! I kept my cool. I was actually quite surprised because I am about to meltdown for over stimulation after that restaurant. They did bring the girls blankets and I went to Wal-mart to buy an iPhone charger. Why do I ALWAYS end up at Wal-mart on vacation? I can't answer that but I know I'm trying to live forward and not shroud myself in the past. I have people who make me smile and laugh. I have people who love me but we all know it isn't the same! That silent communication. To look at someone and just know they can read your thoughts. Someday when I'm ready but that's not today or even tomorrow. I am further then I thought I would ever be and for that I hold my head high and share my biggest smile!

Scott you changed my heart "For Good!" to infinity and beyond! You will find a way to keep holding me up and sending people to take care of me! I have no doubts. I prayer for God's light and love to guide me, protect me and show me the way. Please pray for that for me! I still need all the prayers I can get.

On the way!

Wow! Who knew I had it in me!!!! This will be a great weekend for the girls and I. We have a great start to weekend with a fun dinner and some new inside jokes! I love inside jokes it makes life so much more fun. I miss my inside jokes with Scott but it is fun to live forward with a smile. There are people who are meant to be in my life just to make me smile! I know they have other things to do in life but it is great that I get the effect of smiles!

San Antonio is a great place to continue making memories because I have so many from Hannah, Mike, Scott, Laynie, Stacey, Betsy, Lynne, Susan, Mom, Bob and some other peeps. I now can add Holly to the mix. We have some great plans for this weekend and I'm ready to make it forward into new memories.

I'm headed to bed tonight! I'm way too tired to let my fingers do the talking and way to much going on in my head! Fun stuff tonight! That's a good thing! Tomorrow it is time to be WICKED again!

Is Change Good?

You know what I discovered this afternoon! 1- I can take care of things all by myself when something breaks because I don't have to consult anyone! 2- Maybe sometime soon there will be a time when I can clean out and pack away the stuff in Scott's closet. If for not other reason then we are running out of hangers and I don't want to clean out my own closet.

I think I need some help with closet control! The worst spot in the house is still my craft room because it is still filled with things for the wedding. I don't have a need for any of the stuff. Why do I need 12 black iron lanterns and a mass of plastic plates, cups, silverware? I'm really not planning on getting married. I know I said that with Scott. I didn't say I wasn't ever doing that just that I'm not planning on it. If I say never we all know what happens so less chance if I'm not planning on it!

My wedding dress is still in there but that's okay the door to the room stays closed. I can't craft though and I really need to make some projects. It is just one of those things that I will get to when I can do it without a panic attack. Or someone can guide me through it who isn't fazed by my emotional attachments! I'm not sure that person exists so unless someone comes forward I will just keep the doors to the closet closed.

Today I achieved having the broken garage door repaired! I have asked for help to spread mulch and weed/feed the yard next weekend. That is more because it will go faster then if Hannah and I do it ourselves. The point in that statement is the weed/feed and fire ant killer! It will be used! I don't think I need to be attached to them just because they are the very last things Scott bought when he was alive! He will be very upset with me if I became a hoarder. I refuse to live like that so I am trying to step forward.

I am learning to make new memories and that is what is most important in life. Scott and I used to have this game to move into our new life together where we made our own memories. It didn't mean a change or forgetting out past but finding a new meaning to different places. My memories with Scott will never be gone but I have learned how to make new memories. I made new memories at Disney World with my friends. I will make new memories in San Antonio with two very beautiful, smart, young ladies! It's gotta be a better memory then having the truck broken into and Hannah's laptop stolen! I am even doing something completely different on the trip down and that alone is the most impressive fact. I don't like change and I am making a food change! I'm not promising I will be good with it but I'm trying to make a different step forward!

Leaf and Bloom

"It may be
that some little root of the sacred tree still lives
Nourish it then
that it may leaf and bloom and fill with singing birds." -Black Elk



I think in this journey of living forward one of my greatest gifts has been in the belief in the possiblity of death just being a door. Those of us have gone before us have more powers then we in our human form can completely comprehend but I feel the energy and experience things in my life which have allowed me to know without a doubt there will be a place for me beyond. Life does not stop because our human form fails. I don't question the love and light that comes from beyond. I don't question the people who have touched, are touching and will touch my life!

I'm not in a good way but I try everyday. I have never stopped trying. I not only fight the pain deep in my soul but my physical pain. This week I'm struggling with my MS but I'm still out there in my life. Scott will always protect me and provide me with strength from God. I'm a going to keep fighting because it is who I am.

Today I wasn't all there and someone noticed. Out of the blue our maintenance man walks into my office this morning and tells me "You weren't smiling this morning! You are always smiling and it reaches your eyes! I thought you needed you needed a smile to get yours back!" He then told me of his hard days after losing his wife ten years ago to cancer and how he still fights each day. I am important to someone and didn't even know it! I make someone else happy because I smile and battle through my moments. It is does make my heart sing to hear those words. My smile matters to others. I can keep going! I will keep going! I do keep going!

The next month will be the hardest of this year but I am trying to keep living forward. This weekend will be the hardest of it all when I keep remembering out last romantic trip to Disney World. A few days ago I had a rush of memories that I haven't had. I was standing on the balcony taking in our view and turned back into the room. Scott was laying on our bed his arm behind his head with that little grin that was for me only. I told him I didn't want to leave that I felt like this would be our last time here together. He told me it didn't matter if it ever was because we were together and had love! He said we will be back next year with our girls! I'm supposed to be getting on a plane Saturday morning and flying to Orlando. I made other plans because I have learned how to make new memories, different memories then what I dreamed!

The topiaries at the entrance to EPCOT this year are specifically for Scott! Buzz Lightyear will be in floral form. A new tree has sprung from the creative hands of the Disney landscaping Imaginears! Last year we found Briar Rose and I have the best memories of the perfect kiss saved forever on a photo. I want this year to be different but instead I am further then I ever thought possible in my journey to live forward. I am a different person because I do know the power of love! I have that gift in my heart to share. My ability to love hasn't stopped. I do have a gift to continue giving! My smile matters because it comes from my heart. That is a gift I will not stop giving. Scott continues to show me light and love from beyond that door. It is up to me to keep it living forward! When it is my time to cross through that door I want to know the love I have passed on will continue on with another on this Earth.

Funk or Funky

"To fashion an inner story of our pain carries us into the heart of it, which is where rebirth inevitably occurs." - Sue Monk Kidd

It is amazing how I have come to this point in my life. This blog lets me take everything in my brain and find a spot to dump it all to relieve me of the pain and focus upon my life. I am trying to be in the here and now. Sometimes I start the day in a funk. Oh geez, I think I just replanted "Play the funky music white boy" in my head. The funk that makes me want to cry all over the nearest shoulder. As the day progress I suddenly realize I may not be in such a funk as I started. I'm not so focused upon myself. I like that moment but it does take so much effort to get the day started sometimes.

I still can't do some things but I have loved the realization that I can make steps. I am further today then what I could have ever possibly dreamed. I'm not taking any days for granted because they may be fewer then any of us can ever imagine. My space right here gives me the chance to not dwell on what is in my head. I am trying to live and laugh. Scott still loves me and I love him. We didn't choose to be physically separated but he is here spiritually. The radio continues, the crazy gifts that don't make sense, the messages are here and the push to continue to find happiness and peace is in my heart. There is a plan for me and people in my life to keep the smiles coming. I'm finding myself in the pain. The place in my heart will always have him in it.

I'm making the journey. Oh no that means I'm now going to have Journey songs in my brain. I need the roads of Western Kansas, straight flat shot to drive all out singing at the top of my tone deaf lungs! I need to be goofy and silly. Maybe hanging out with Hannah and Holly this weekend I can laugh at their antics! I think I may feel the need to hold Hannah down again and tickle. I like the feeling of life and joy in laughter. I like knowing that there are a few people who get the full effect of my smile when it hits my eyes. I like the moments when I get out of the funk and have a real smile. One more day down in my own words. My fingers have spewed out some of what is in my brain. The funky music has moved into my head instead of the funky mood. Now that may be progress but I need a new song!